my grandmother and bonds with women

sorry for the typos no time right now to proof read

Hi

What and why I try to avoid working out in the mornings? I know for a fact, not why, exercising through some mechanism increases the effectiveness of estrogen. This in turn starts the process of pushing my body and mind to adapt to the increased effectiveness and thus the memories that are buried deep in my mind. This is why I think you are unearthing the devil at times.

This morning was one of the worst of my life.  I was crying on the floor as I stretched and suddenly I began to cry so violently that I shook my head. At this instant my mind had a flashback of my childhood. ( this is what estrogen really does) I remember crying exactly like I did this morning when I was a child. the event I remember is I was at my grandmother’s crying uncontrollably and my mother said to my grandmother, “ I did not touch Donnie and I do not know what is wrong with him.” My grandmother then asked me what is wrong? I said, as I cried, “ I don’t know.”

I do know now why I was crying as a child in that instant this morning.  I was so confused of my environment that I could only do one thing and that is cry. I really did not know what was wrong when I was a child. but I do know after today that my mother would make me pick, for instance, one coat or another coat when buying winter coats for me. I did not want either one but she was insistent I pick one of the coats. I would say, “ I guess that one.” Then I would not want to wear the coat and she would say you picked it. I would say you made me pick the coat.

It is becoming more and more clear that I knew when I was a baby who I was in this world. I can remember back to a time frame I have pinned down between 3-5 yrs old.  I know this because we only lived in this apartment in my hometown during those years of my life.  I am afraid I will soon be overwhelmed with what I knew when I was a baby to 2 yrs old. this actually is the critical time of my life because my mother more than likely went back to work for mcdonnell douglas aircraft corp where my family worked. Yet I am pretty sure that my grandmother baby sat me while my parents worked. This is not fact but there is a strong likelihood of this because of a picture my grandmother gave to me before she went into the retirement home. 

I think I was very close to my grandmother because … I was close to my grandmother because my mother told me on many occasions to go with my father while my brother and sister went with my mom. She compelled me to go with my father when I told her I wanted to go with her. Since my father was not a nurturing man and my mother did not want me particularly too much but only offered conditional love which I detested I was driven to my grandmother. 

So my grandmother did not live with me but she was my real mom. This revelation today was not really nice… as I cry….. I was not wanted by either parent since I like to spend time with both my mother pushed me away and my father wanted a man.  But my grandmother told me she loved me and hugged me a lot as a child.  she never abandoned me and I miss her so much. I wish she could see me now.  I am crying and crying…….

I know so much more every day it is so overwhelming. People say I wish I knew etc from my past believe me you don’t want to remember everything like I do.  I am do defiant of people because of my mother and her sister and how they treated me different then my brother and sister. 

I knew my grandmother loved me and she told me more than once if my parents threw me out of the house I could stay with her , my grandfather.  I just wanted people to respect me and my nuclear family did not want me. it looks like it was gender but it was all about my independence but gender was used to justify not talking to me at this point in my life. 

... was right I never was quiet because there was always someone in my life that had my back. When I was a child I challenged my mother and father because I knew my grandmother had my back and she was my strength.  There were times when I was told to do things and I would say something like “ I wonder what grandma would say about this.” ( I knew it was something that was not right and I would challenge my mother)  my mother would say, “ your grandmother does not run this house.” Then I would say, “ right?”  then my mother would say, “ that is right mister so get it done.” I would say, at times, “ let me think about it.” My mother would say, “ get moving if I will smack your ass ().  I would finally say , “ I guess so.”  This all started when I was younger and as I got older I became more challenging and my mother would get in my face and I had the look of the challenge is on and this was true of the relationship with my father. ... is right all I want is respect. I had no respect from my mother nor father so I gave them none.

But if my mother said, “ I am going to tell your grandmother.” I would think let’s not go that far lol.  My mother would ask me throughout my life why is it that your grandmother can get you do things and you will not do them for me. that was because my grandmother loved me and showed me through her actions and words.

I thought today who in my family is a loving person like my grandmother? there is only one me!!!............

All I know is the love of my grandmother is in me. she was my first mentor, friend and a woman of god.  I frustrated her many times in our lives but she never turned her back on me.  she was proud of me and when her .... did everything in their power to get my grandmother to turn her back on me she refused. Not only did she refuse she brought me closer to her. I think my grandmother was ashamed of how her daughters treated me.

My grandmother born in 1909 had strong morals, character and a deep belief in god which taught me.  I am so much like my grandmother but in my journey before hormones society had stolen my identity and my morals and principals did not matter. Now with my gender reset to what I should have been raised my high moral character is a challenge because there is a wide side that wants to do what a 20’s woman would do such as strip or date...........  This is a serious challenge and it will be hard to tell the first woman no if she comes on strong.

This brings me to how the physical therapist touched the back of my neck in assessing my pain. I was really shocked at how sensitive I am about being touched by anyone. I am a totally different person now and I am very scared of how I may react to a kiss from a woman and more. I think I am right! The world as I knew it will never be again and each new experience is just that new to me.  my mind is having a hard time adapting to the same environment as a new environment every day. This would include a trip to the supermarket.  This to me can overwhelm me. this highlights how fast my brain is changing and how hard it is to keep up with the pace of the estrogen or whatever is going on in my brain.

. I am getting more comfortable with myself. I just noticed the other day that I put on my lipstick in front of a full size mirror. I know why I did  not do that for so long and that is because it reminds me of watching my mom do that when I was a child. 

If I can hold on I think I will heal my soul but the future is so uncertain in my mind.  But for the first time I see hope in my life that surgery is down the road but that terrifies me to death.  Someone is going to slice up the back of my penis and make it into a vagina.  It makes me cry because I am not sure I will live to tell about it but others have? Why don’t other talk about it? Every time I try to talk to someone that lives close to me that has had surgery they do not answer my email or facebook message. Why is everyone hiding? What are they hiding.

But most of all why if I have sexual relations with a woman that is too rough too soon and I tear something? How hard can I push my body to work, sex etc …. There is no one to bounce this off of that I have met in person or on line. In fact I have tried to talk to a few in public and they simply ignore me like I am not talking to them. why? Maybe it is they do not want to be recognized as transgendered woman or different type of woman? 

The only people that seem willing to help me and talk about hormones are women. I think I have found my comfort and home with women.  I am not hiding from a community because I have been talked to women like my grandmother since I was child. there was no transition for me with women since starting hormones. The difficulty has been men.

I will have been on hormones for 3 yrs in august of this year.  I have to say I have had surreal ride in those three years. But all of this was started by my grandmother who taught me about creating relationships. The relationships I have today are the difference in me as a woman and the woman around me guide me no matter where I go in my life. This would include the VA, corps , Portland community, non profits, etc. it simply does not matter where I go I have learned an indispensable skill of creating relationship and nurturing them while keeping what is talked about to myself. This has created a deeper trust and relationship which has defined me as a woman. This is the Rachel difference on hormones.  

authenicate self , born a male and seek to just live in the country

hi


i was sitting in Fred Meyers and then it occurred to me why when you used the phrase " authenticate self" it really bothered me. at times when i heard others use it I made my stomach turn. i know why as i cry, cry.  it is because i have to admit that i was born with a male body .. wow writing that was so hard..... and a female brain. so when I was talking to a woman and explaining that the similarity between my brain and the female's is very, very similar and she said the brains are different that comment cut me so F----- deep i emotional shut down. so there are two issues here one is that i was born with a male body and physique, i hate it, i hate it, and others society cannot admit there is the possibility that my brain is nearly identical to a female's. 

i learned of transgendered people in 10th grade in ..... biology class. at the moment in time i knew that was me. in fact hearing it from a teacher and seeing an article in our biology book really was a shocking moment. but on the other hand i learned that there were others like me but i dare not talk about it. also , to be transparent , i had a pair of black thongs on during the class and perhaps that is why it hit me so hard?  so as i cry i knew most of my life who I was and kept it secret for safety reasons. 

i still detest the phrase authenticate self because i have been me all of my life inside and struggling to figure out how to almost find a way for acceptance. the fact is i will never be able to be my authenticate self because my childhood,teen years, and most of my adult life was stolen from me thus the experiences i would have had as a woman are gone forever before i started hormones.  i cannot reproduce the memories that were never and will never be in the past thus how can anyone say you are not living as you authenticate self. it pains me beyond belief that i could never be me as a child or teen. i have to tried to recreate those memories while in portand by hanging out of younger women in their 20's but you cannot recreate time that is forever goneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

i have tried to rationalize that everything will be ok now if i am able to work and have surgery but the fact is who i am was altered at birth because i was raised as male based on the pure fact i was born with a penis. now had i been born with a large bone structure and a vagina ohh then i would have been raised as a female. now narrowed minded is society to say penis is a male and vagina is female.

what can i do? I have no idea what my authenticate self is suppose to be or could have been because the memories will never be , never.  until last year i had to fight my way into womanhood like a street fighter fighting for each square block of territory.  there was little room for error and what better way to be trained then by a street figher and boxer , my father and the marines.  where was god ? seriously? 

my tired old body is fighting for my life each day to learn what it is like to be a woman while removing and adding what i need to move forward in my life. so the brain capacity to live as my authenticate self today is limited because of the hiding of the past 50 yrs.  while the trauma continues in many new forms such as the fear of rape, being killed, .laughing at me in pubic or just outside my apartment as i go to catch the train, job discrimination because who wants to put my face in a direct sales position, and much more. so take all of this stress and trauma and add it up and how can one blend into society and be their authenticate self?  or i could just do like some do after surgery and blend into society never to be seen again by altering my face but fear others can find out I was born a male. either way the trauma continues and continues ...... there is not end to the trauma and making peace with that is very difficult with , sometimes, another trauma daily. the trauma in my opinion replicates the PTSD of a soldier returning from years of combat only to fight different battles in the civilian world. the war will never end because the enemy is not me but the ones that fear what they do not understand.

my experience in the marines prepared me for this fight? how? in the 1970's marines would go off base and people would point, laugh, whisper under their breath while starring at the marines.  in response many of us, including me, would star them down basically saying please say something.  this trauma was in addition to living with men that were predators to women and others in the marines.  both off base and on base trauma never ended but there were people that supported the marines and the military in the 1970's but there was a portion of the population detested our very existence.  violence? in Hawaii I read reports that one marine was physically assaulted by 12 locals and another case two marines were sleeping in the best in Hawaii and a 2 by 4 piece of wood was used to kill them.  how is my life different now that when i was in the marines? i see no difference as i cry and cry... the war will never end for me me. there are specific reasons why i hid for decades. i literally had to be prepared to fight never ending war but before i started the process i thought it would be different for me but i was wrong again.

however when i lived in Herminston, Oregon USA I really had no issues in a predominantly Latino population. so in time may be it is a good idea to move after my surgery to another city other than Portland.  I really don't want to fight any more but I feel like i dragged into struggle after struggle because people lack the ability to understand that i am just a woman that wants to live her life without conflict.

also in a closing note this is almost like a running joke in the trans community. although a group of men will laugh at me, us almost every time one of the men will peal off and hit on us for sex. this has happened to me more than once.  it not appropriate to be with someone like me due to societal norms established by years of ignorance but that male would gladly have sex with us without the knowledge of his friends. this makes me livid and very anger.

on a closing note i take back that estrogen has given me the ability to be anger and fight others. i do not have the ability to be hateful and hurt anyone. i am a loving woman, and if you don't like me saying that, to others that think that .... ohh how at times i wish was in the marines.... but in all honesty I would not say what i am thinking because it is not me. 

while in the marines i did everything to be nonmilitary which raised eye brows but did not get me into major trouble. for instance i used civilian time, put my dog tags in my pocket, but when it came to completing with the boys i was game for that and workout to improve my fitness to complete in runs and hold my own lifting weights. my efforts lifting weights and running put me in good standing with the boys club but no one knew i was batting for the other team. so on my second tour my friends were women and the boys would say, " oh so you are siding with them... your a bitch now right? ": welcome to the marines and the testing ground for me living as a woman. as i said before i had to learn to use the mind of street fighter to navigate society. 

forever people are saying you are one strong woman and to that i say only because as i cry again i have to as rachel. i don't want to fight anymore but it looks like if i want to stay my authenticate self or close to it i will this until i move to a place where people simply embrace me as me and no further fighting is necessary.  but by then the memories of what could have been are forever gone. this is my prospective of my life and the challenges of it.

i love my friends to death and their belief in me but some of society continue to drag me in the gutter for a fight , mental or physical, that is not necessary. all i want is a girlfriend/wife and perhaps a child to raise as our own in the country just like i wanted as a child. i am not complicated but simply a country girl that had / had to fight with every fiber of her being to be just me and .... the damage done to me has been substantial when none of this was necessary.

i live in fear for my life as i broad the train , walk from my apartment or wherever i go in my life. to think i will never be raped, beat up or killed is not rational based on the pure numbers of us that are killed, raped and tortured like girl in Hawaii that was found tied to a chair naked back in the 1980's. this is my reality of the world as i just try to be me. wanna be me for a day you better get some training in the marines first or the street?

so between my life in the marines and today there is virtual no difference in the dangers in my life.  i am looking for pity but please be real to yourself before you undertake this life. it picked me i did not pick it and would want this for their child?

now looking forward I am trying to secure work again while emailing a surgeon in thailand on the specific issues surrounding surgery. i have an incredible amount of support but it is a pressure cooker of a life that you better want it this bad or turn back because this life, my life, will challenge like you never have been challenged before in your life. i want it enough to die for what i believe in just like joan of arc. this mentality has enabled me to make it this far on hormones and opened doors for me with the help of some really good people. but my enemies are within my community, outside my door and every place you can imagine. i am fighting so i just have my dream life of living in the country where i worry about how many dozen cookies my girlfriend/ wife will eat after i cook them for us.

thank you

rachel      

getting ready for thailand for 2015

I have talked to a friend in Portland and she is , as she says, on board for going with me to Thailand for my srs surgery.  My friend will video tape my recovery after surgery. So I am in the process of setting up a crowd fund site with a target date of February 2015. 

it is time to plan and place my life in god's hands because at nearly 55 yrs old it literally is now or never.  i wake up every morning with my estrogen surging to new levels each day and i cannot ever satisfy myself due to the mismatch of sex organ. it is my personal pain and i can no longer ignore it at this point in my life. i want to be happy and be with a woman emotionally and sexually but only as a woman.

my biggest concern is my mental state of mind after surgery and so little is known about it. i have very good women around me and it will take each one of them to help me with god through this radical surgery.

i will post a link soon to my crowd fund i will try to utilize to help me obtain surgery

thank you

rachel

rachel thoughts and research on surgery ... real unknowns

Hi,

I have been doing a lot of processing and the both of you have helped me get this far with….and other members of the Portland va. but primaril……….. have brought me to this point through the grace of god.

I am sitting going through scenarios of surgery and all I have learned about the surgery. The fact is I am not starting over after 2 yrs of therapy but I have amassed enough information to understand as much as any other person what sexual reassignment risks are involved and the possibility I could die from the surgery or mentally crack. Despite all of the risks the benefits out weigh the risk at this point in the process.

I am positioning myself for surgery next year with crowd funding , personal monies and whatever else I can gather up financially. If I can get the ……… that would put me in a position where , if needed, I could take a few months off from work after surgery. The idea of what I hear that women are going back to work within three week or so of surgery I believe this is not rational nor logical. I think many doctors and patients are looking at it from the physical recovery but I am more concerned about the emotional trauma of surgery, learning about your new body, and the psychological recovery time. there is no data what so ever on the time to emotionally recover nor anything in the mental realm of the surgery. There is zero talk of the emotional trauma of the surgery and everything seems to focus on the body’s ability to recover from the physical aspect only.

I am pretty sure that my body can with stand the surgery because of the many trauma’s I have had in my life but psychologically I will be challenged like never  before in my life. One woman told me when she looks between her legs and feels it is like a “phantom  penis.” I thought that would be the case since the loss of hair and the change of my facial structure earlier in the hormone treatment was a shock to my mind so much so I cried often for a while until I began to accept and like the new me. it has always been my perception that there is an image of your face and body etched in your brain over the last few decades and if that is changed abruptly it is a shock to the mind. This time around it is not missing hair or change in my face structure but the inverting the penis into a vagina which you must dilate three times a day for the first 1-2 months.

If you add all of this to the trauma of the surgery which takes 6 months to initial heal and from one blog 2 yrs  for all the nerve endings to reconnect to the surgery it is an extremely radical surgery. Arguable the most racial surgery done to a human being’s body.  The only reliable study on complications I have read is from brazil which states 40 percent have complications but this drops with the experience of the surgeon.  However at best you are talking about 1 out of 3 or 1 out 2 have minor to major complications.  The complications after surgery range from an additional skin graft needed, inflection, vaginal wall collapse, surgeon nicked bladder in surgery so the risk of inflection is greater, and in my case the risk of flaring up my rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia. The later is a concern to me based on risk events in my medical history, fibromyalgia, because once it flares up it in turn flares up my rheumatoid arthritis which increases my joint pain and if not addressed quickly could quickly mover from joint pain to sleep deprivation. 

I talked to my …..doctor , who seems very sharp and know me lol, and she told me that based on studies I will need to come off of my enbrel injections one week before surgery and resume them one week after surgery due to increased infection. She stressed to me that there is large study done that backs up the action of stopping and restarting enbrel for surgeries. So it is my plan to follow her advice unless directed to by dr …….. but I am sure he and I will talk in depth about this issue before surgery.

Now given the fact that I nearly had a panic attack this weekend because of an eye issue which seems to be an infection more than likely brought on by my mascara being over 3 months old I will need someone to come with me to surgery. I cannot see a way around that part of my surgery plan. If I am pressed I will go by myself but I am not comfortable. This issue of a companion is one reason , the only one, that I will wait if she cannot go until a few months later.

How who will to the surgery? That is literally a toss up because of no data is collected on any doctor anywhere in the world where it is published from a reliable source. This information simply does not exist so I will base my decision on the amount of money I have saved by next year. ( my goal of now is February 2015)  The doctor that charges 1625.00 for srs and 625.00 for ab tuck seems my first choice overseas. I need to first find out if university California SF is scheduling surgeries or that is a dead end?  If that is a possible solution I will gather the information and go from there? But stepping back do I want an experienced surgeon from Thailand to do my surgery or? I am crying because I hate navigating this nightmare in the middle of a crisis because it is very hard to look at a situation like this while you are so emotional and will do anything for surgery to possibly ending the emotional pain of , being direct, needing a vagina. 

I am so scared and cry so much because of the unknown factors. There is literally no one to talk to about the surgery.  In my opinion the forums on Facebook have no creditability and the information seems to be out right distortions of the truth , at times, to direct you to the doctor that supposedly performed their surgery while down playing the surgeons. Or in the case of the cheaper doctor I am considering the information on facebook says he is a bad doctor who is taken to court and Thailand tries to revoke his license to practice medicine. The fact is according to a BBC article this doctor is in court as a expert witness in srs cases and he personally has completed 50,000 surgeries. How much is true? But with my research he is the only doctor that does not charge a deposit on surgery and charges the same price for locals and foreigners. To put this in prospective he charges 65,000 baht ( Thailand dollars) compared this counter parts who charge any where from 250,000 baht to 500,000 baht ( 20k). so the pricing is from 2- 20k us dollars. 

According to multiple sources your stay in the hospital is 1-3 days. Usually 3 days possibly longer if there are complications. You spend this time packed in ice then after that period of time you are urged to begin to walk to prevent blood clotting I would assume.  After the 3 days, does not matter in united states or Thailand, you will have to leave the hospital and go to a hotel room to recuperate after surgery. About the 6-7 day the stitches are removed and they recommend you stay for 21 days total time which includes the surgery but the doctors are comfortable with a total of 14 days but recommend 21. From further research the 14 -21 days mostly is because the possibility of blood clotting while traveling by air and there seems to be evidence this is a risk of such an event. So any anticipated cost of surgery must include the expenses of food and lodging for 21 days. For me this would include my companion too.

So provided you make it through surgery without any complications and you heal with out any complications I am very concerned about the psychological recovery time and your state of mind after the surgery and how one recovers from such a surgery? This is the area of concern and that will challenge me and the people around me. I am also concerned about what type of physical therapy would be best after surgery to ensure I don’t overdo too much physical exercise. I am concerned because of my personal habits of pushing my body hard during workouts and to me that is a major concern because if I overdo my exercise too early I could do serious damage to me internally.  So what physical therapy exercise will I do and when is a good time to start running and lift weights again. I will be direct there is nothing available on either issue. I have heard the doctors do not want you to climb stairs for one month. This is a concern for me because in Portland I walk to the train, bus etc and carry a heavy purse at times and go to the grocery store and cart heavy bags. It is very possible I will need to plan for someone to help me shop and get around once I return from Thailand or California. If I go to Thailand and opt for the ab tuck and srs the recover time could be quite lengthy. Wow could there be any more variables in this surgery and challenges?

I am sure I will find a way to tap the resources I need but I will need to have it all in place before I return from surgery.  This is a marine thing I will plan for the worse case scenario so I have all the bases covered so when another hurdle appears we/I  will be able to adjust to the one hurdle at a time. 

The money is important but almost a non issue if you look at the bigger picture because the support and follow up care is the real expense in this group venture. I look at this as a group project because it will take dozens of people to pull this project off. Other’s may opt to do this in secret but the success of that method of approach would be limited. I seem to look back at what I said at …. when I said, “ there are 9 ways this can go wrong.”  I need good and your help because there is no way one person can pull everything together to make this happen.

My view on video taping the experience has changed to a small group or my companion and I making a skype or home made video. This way I am well protected and insulated from others using it to harm me mentally.  I am not sure I could handle an open film that was used in a twisted way to portray something about me that was not true for a company to make money. So I look at this like the speeches in that keeping this mostly within the walls of the va where people can limit the possibility of abuse by others yet help the people who helped me in my darkest hours.

I think of surgery almost every day and I am to point if I die that is ok? Not really but I have no choice at this point to go forward and pursue surgery as hard as I would any other project I have under taken in my life. As always I can tell you I am so terrified and scared that it overloads my mind when I think of srs. I mean someone will slice up one side of my penis and invert it into a vagain. I think it is rational to be scared because of the lack of info and just how radical this surgery is to the human body and mind. I cry , cry and cry and cry some more and yes it is every day. I am having a hard time using my current coping skills to hold it all together. The longer I am on estrogen the more I need surgery but what makes it even more intense is the workouts are intensifying the need for the surgery since it amplifies and increases the estrogen levels in my body. This in turn makes my breast ache more than just the estrogen and at times my head feels like my head is spinning and I become very light headed. This is something I am use to by now but it is getting progressively worse. The whole issue is can I hold on to this increase in effectiveness of estrogen until I have surgery. The answer is I don’t knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww?????   

    

 

how i rebounded from the hell over the few days and my private thoughts to friends

 i talked, my ra doctor, and dr ............with fibromagia it is
very difficult to treat and there are few meds that really are
effective in the treatment of this disease. the one that is effective
is the one that shut my hormones off. so the best choice of action ,
sounds like a legal doc sorry, is for me to see physical therapy and
the tens unit really has been a good pain reliever in this case.

i dare to say I have been blessed by caring women but in the
moment i want to push everyone away.  i have perfected this skill yrs
ago because of my own pain but i cannot shake ......  i really
cannot understand the rationale for the pain and suffering for 50 yrs
when i was a good woman most of my life and took the hard road many
times.  where is the logic?

it is possible that i fear a relationship with a woman would be too
painful to endure because once we became intimate .. i am not a real
woman yet.... i just don't know if i ever will have the ability to
have the surgery completed. i know there are self destructive
behaviors in play , which i have put in place subconsciously, that are
being put up by me to stop the surgery. yet it could heal me in so
many ways.

my god my breast are hurting and that is because by giving me this
space to write it releases enough of the pain that .... accept me as rachel not a man in dress.
 i just wonder how many i meet
in person do they  think i am rachel or man in a dress. i could
respect their opinion to a point and talk to them but i wonder if they
are lying to my face. answer is i don't know .

i reread the complaint i filed with ........ about this time last
yr as i looked over my files in my computer today. my ability to focus
on the issues and cut with my pen amazes me. i was able to access the
failings of the organization in the moment because it added
credibility to my claim. but today i do not have the desire or will to
fight any longer. i think i have learned that the bickering that was
practiced in my family and fighting has no value in the family or our
lives. the result is no one wins.

 i thought about this a while back and do you remember war games the
movie? and at the end would you not prefer a game of ?  the computer
had learned that the acceptable loses are not so acceptable. since i
was a political science major at penn state i relate to this movie
very well because we talked about acceptable losses in respect to
hospitals , people in the event of nuclear strike by the soviet union.
our professor was in the think tank of president ....brain shut down
the president that replaced nixon? this professor and his colleagues
sat around all day calculating the loses based on different soviet
strikes and how we could respond with nato. the fact is we were wrong
about so much and one such thing is the accuracy of the soviet
missiles paralleled the united states. thus the calculation of
acceptable losses were wrong and .... where i am going with this.....
there are no winners in a war or fights.

where i will end up in my journey i have no idea but know that..... have made a difference in my life that has been very positive.




thank you

the lows of estrogen and one really horrible bad day ... where my mind was

Hi,

I would say today was about the most horrible day in my life. But thanks to god I now realize my life is/was about a worthless as they come in the history of mankind.  Why? I met this woman who I worked with at  ....and she is a woman like me but 30’s years younger. She is in the process of getting her name changed and she simply identifies as a woman not trans just a woman. A few months ago she identified as a transvestite but once she lived as a woman away from her family it is apparent that she began to realize she is a woman. 

She is young and pretty and living the life I should have but god stole it for me.  I served my country for six faithful years with men that belittled women on daily basis and put up with as much bs as other women. Then after that I went to college and I still had to hide my identify for fear of people hurting or killing me.  That was followed by dressing in male attire for my sales career and still Rachel said nothing thinking that all would work out some how. Then I sacrificed 18 years of my life to help my daughter grow up in a safe environment. ..................And after all of this where am I?

I don’t own a car, house but oh yes I have an apartment paid for by the va and probably because I am so persistent there apparently is a way to get section 8 housing paid by the state of Oregon.  I cannot work due to the arthritis which was thanks to ...........I have to live on the charity of the federal and state government plus the va and other non profits in Portland.

So with my college education and experience due to multiple trauma’s , or whatever we want to label them, I cannot work and own nothing and I have accomplished nothing in my life. Plus thank you god  for the 30 yrs of living in hell where I had to dress as a man because others might kill me.  You put me through hell because you had the power to do so.  I can NEVER GET BACK THE 30 DAMN YEARS.  What do I have to live for ? there is no reason you cannot just take me away. If I get surgery why?  NO ONE CAN EXTEND MY LIFE 30 YRS BECAUSE  THEY ARE GONE FOREVER. GOD STOLE MY LIFE BUT MAYBE THE IS BECAUSE THERE IS NO DAMN GOD.  BECAUSE WHAT KINDA GOD WOULD TORTURE A HUMAN BEING THAT IS SO SMART YET SO EMOTIONALLY ILL THAT SHE CANNOT TAKE CARE OF HERSELF? 

There is no reason to have surgery because no one can replace the last thirty years of experience as a woman. They are gone forever and what happens to me from this point on does not matter. I have amounted to nothing just like my...... told me. 

Yet the god we think exist continues to torture me by the day. I get so confused at the smallest task. For example when I am cooking and I pick up the knife with my right hand and my brain says wrong hand stupid. So I have to use my left hand and this causes me so much stress that it overloads my brain and I end up on the floor crying. I wonder how hard god is laughing at the freak he created ?

God seems to have  tortured me all of my life.  Then when I thought I had it almost all together last year at the same time the company contract was lost I was dumped into my apartment.  additionally none of my family will talk to me.............

So to recap this nightmare I have no job , no car , no family, no friends who visit me in my apartment unless you count the two case manager that come to my apartment. thus in my life I have accomplished nothing. I do not have money to even buy a pair of pantyhose. 

I would like to take my anger which is about as high as it has ever been in my life but I am wired to love people. I was so furious today that I took a knife in my hand and I was about to drive it hard as I could into the wall over and over but I realized nothing can bring back the 30 yrs that were stolen by god. There is not enough dishes to break in any house to reduce the anger in me.  I am not anger now but I am …… there is no hope and I don’t even care if I ever have surgery because there is no reason. First I cannot get back the 30 yrs and I have no girlfriend , no family and no friends so I have no life. Surgery would serve no propose but maybe as a pure science experiment. I wish god or satan would just take me. I dared god to just take me and so far he has not taken me on my offer. I hope he does soon because I will accomplish nothing more than a mere existence in the future.

But I could take my anger out on people like .......who uses her gender to make money. There is that much angers me. i could make it my life mission to take down organizations like hers’ and expose the lies they promote to the public. Now that would release my anger. I know I am capable of inflecting real damage and why not take it out on the people that have hurt me because there is no god.

On the other hand maybe I am just an mentally ill veteran who cannot take care of herself.  I am so ill that I have to call my friends to help me with the smallest task because of my illness. So maybe I am just a male who thinks she is a female and the doctors and others are right I am man in dress and  is a real freak. 

I guess all just does not matter. Society and god has taken away my most basic part of self , my gender. There is no one in this universe that can replace the last 30 yrs of experiences as a woman. They are gone forever.   It would not matter if I won the lottery and had millions of dollars because no one can replace the time that was stolen from me.  yet I have no anger towards the woman who is living her life as she wants in Portland.  I will never experience ………I am crying……….maybe  I am dead but I am too stupid to realize it. 

The whole thing with me is although I am very anger I cannot kill myself nor hurt others. So god , if he exist, ………..why would you do this to me? I feel like god is laughing at me and enjoying ever second and ever tear of what I could have been 30 yrs ago.  I hope he has a good laugh because the pain he has inflicted is beyond anything most people can begin to understand.

 

What can society and god take from me at this point? Really? There is nothing more anyone can take. If someone killed  me it would serve only the purpose of doing society a favor because I am just draining on society at this point.  30 YRS  ………………………………………..I FOUGHT FOR NOTHING.  I WON NOTHING AND THERE IS NOT A THING THAT CAN TURN TIME BACK. I have a family THAT HAS DISOWNED ME AND THIS IS MY REWARD FOR PRETENDING FOR SO MANY YEARS. 

So if I prostitute myself it would not matter. I was a fool to think I could make a difference in society.  There are good people here but there is no reason a god would create a freak like me that is so smart , driven and one that could have helped others if only I lived as a woman. 30 yrs………….

No worries … I don’t plan to hurt anyone nor myself.  But the realization that my life amounted to zero was not a good thing today.  But a lesson mankind taught me and in the moment as depressed as I was I did not join in with a woman who was most definitely a white supremacist. Although others discriminate against entire subcultures I cannot nor will ever do that to a human being.  I do not blame others that have helped me in my journey but so many either barely tolerate my existence or want nothing to do with me. but god could have helped me 30 yrs ago but he chose to let me suffer and suffer…. now today there is no way to replace the 30 yrs that could have been so fulfilled as a woman. But as I have said before maybe I am a guy in a dress?

There is nothing ......... of you can do and I know that.  I just think that it is criminal for society and god to torture a woman like me who has been good most of her life and literally taken  ................ There is no rational reason that this should have happened. My life was stolen from me at birth. 

My father said in a letter… if anything went wrong…. God everything went wrong and you did not lift a finger to help me until I was 54 and disabled. What kinda god are you that enjoys hurting nice people?  I am in prison and there will be no parole for Rachel.  I understand this now so surgery is a non issue. 

I was wrong about so much concerning my life, society and god.  I would walk out of my apartment now and leave all of my belonging but since I have arthritis I  cannot live on the streets.  At least on the streets I have control of something. My father did this at my age and I thought he was crazy but he is right we are all rats in a cage.  Otherwise Donald would have been born Rachel but that did not happen nor was god’s error corrected in the last 50 yrs .

This is how I feel now and I will now go through the motions like I did before I came to Portland.  My impact in this world has been about as close to zero as you can get.  I just wish god would come collect me now.  God ????????????????????

Thank you

rachel 

rachel the lesbian? and more on surgery( and yet another email to a friend or two)

Why I hate other women ? lol

I don’t hate other women because they have a vagina but I do hate them because they look better than me.  How dare her breast be bigger than mine?  How dare her body be hotter than me?

To tell the true story when I was down to 178lbs and dressed in this short black skirt hanging in my living room I was the hottest in the club.  This is why the men hit on me not to mention it barely covered my butt. My goal was to turn eyes just not the men.  I was trying to attract the women but I was in the wrong place.(hamburger mary’s)

Why?  There are lesbian get together’s I know about called the inferno in Portland via my facebook group. The reason I don’t go is because what if I saw a very attractive woman and she asked, “ have you had your surgery?” I would have to say, “no.” I could not handle the face to face rejection. I experienced how I could not handle the online rejection because of not having surgery from women. I cried and cried when I was rejected on line because of not having surgery to the point I left the social groups on line.

Even best case scenario I would meet  a girl that loves me for me? We become intimate and we both cry because she cannot please me. This is so hard on me I would not want to inject this pain into anyone’s life.  This is why I never actively sought a mate when I was more slender 2 yrs ago. I knew in the back of my mind I could not handle the rejection. 

I know it is possible she might like me as me and want to be intimate with me the way I am but I cannot. It is very common in the subculture that no one touches penis.  I cannot pretend it is not there and It  needs to be  gone now.  I just want to be a with woman as woman once before I die.  I never thought I would want this surgery so bad. 

Now I am back to thinking of prostitution as the military would say by any means necessary. If I get’s to May 2014 it could be by any means necessary.  I will have to matters in to my own hands but I know also if I prostitute myself I could go to jail and end up in a men’s prison and possibly be raped and killed. What a life?  I am between a rock and hard spot with no where to run.  ( mora you suck my life is fantastic, I am fantastic and my family is fantastic; how can she live with herself ?) 

I wish I had ..... as my therapist( looking for new therapist since one of nearly two yrs moved to another position in the va) I need to vent…. I don’t mean the things I am thinking but wow it is intense over here.  The truth is my hormones rage from the time I get up until the time I go to bed.  There is no let up but there is are up’s and down’s of the moods and it hits hard almost all day long. Just sometimes harder then others but just when you are about to gain your balance there she is again twisting and turning your mind harder than the day before. 

................... hormones because you have coping mechanisms the average person has not thought of nor heard of in their world.  The maladaptive dreams I have counter act some of the hardest times on hormones without them I have no idea how the hell I would cope with the twist and turns she throws at me. I have had to keep the maladaptive dreams with me so I live to fight another day.  That might sound crazy but there is there isn’t anyway I can mentally heal much more without surgery.  To let go of the maladaptive dreams would put me in the mental wing of the VA. I have no doubt about it. 

It was my dream just before or after I started hormones to be able to dance on a stripper pole and be a manager of a company. I think a woman should be able to be who she wants to be without prejudice of any kind.  Just because she loves to flaunt her body or wear a short dress that does not make her a slut.  I have heard far too many men and women say she is a slut because of the way she dresses etc. I saw this occur at the .......... This woman was very attractive and dressed in what others might think was sexually provocative attire. I thought maybe she was but once I talked to her I realized she was a nice woman that enjoyed having a nice body. There was no attitude in our conversations.  So I know what others probably thought of me walking around Portland in my very short black skirt and I could care less.

I never had the chance to be a teenager nor at penn state and just let it all go like 20’s some year old do. I feel I have been cheated out of so much of my life because of society.  I do not think it is much to ask for me to be me at 54.  the reason I am so open is I have nothing to lose. Society took everything from me and I had to crawl out of a homeless shelter to the VA transitional homeless housing with my claws.( my education and experience made this possible )  I just want to be me and I will have to risk the possibility of death to be me. I have no idea what the survival rate is because of the secrecy of the damn community. It is like walking into the abyss and not knowing if you will walk out or die. This is exactly how I see the surgery.  Ok next lab rat…  … should get this one right….. is that the real game??????

...................

Everyone in my life is in this pretty deep too. I am the one putting my life on the line but many friends  have an emotional interest and love me. I know all of this but I cannot live with a penis much longer. I am a patient with cancer that needs treatment. I will settle for what I can get and worry about fixing it later.

If this was my daughter what would I do? I am glad she is happy with who she is and will  hopefully never go through this hell. I would not wish this on anyone. Only satan would wish this on someone.

Thank you

rachel