Hi,
I would say today was about the most horrible day in my
life. But thanks to god I now realize my life is/was about a worthless as they
come in the history of mankind. Why? I
met this woman who I worked with at ....and she is a woman like me but 30’s
years younger. She is in the process of getting her name changed and she simply
identifies as a woman not trans just a woman. A few months ago she identified
as a transvestite but once she lived as a woman away from her family it is
apparent that she began to realize she is a woman.
She is young and pretty and living the life I should have
but god stole it for me. I served my
country for six faithful years with men that belittled women on daily basis and
put up with as much bs as other women. Then after that I went to college and I
still had to hide my identify for fear of people hurting or killing me. That was followed by dressing in male attire
for my sales career and still Rachel said nothing thinking that all would work
out some how. Then I sacrificed 18 years of my life to help my daughter grow up
in a safe environment. ..................And after all of this where am I?
I don’t own a car, house but oh yes I have an apartment paid
for by the va and probably because I am so persistent there apparently is a way
to get section 8 housing paid by the state of Oregon. I cannot work due to the arthritis which was
thanks to ...........I have to live on the charity of the federal and
state government plus the va and other non profits in Portland
So with my college education and experience due to multiple
trauma’s , or whatever we want to label them, I cannot work and own nothing and
I have accomplished nothing in my life. Plus thank you god for the 30 yrs of living in hell where I had
to dress as a man because others might kill me.
You put me through hell because you had the power to do so. I can NEVER GET BACK THE 30 DAMN YEARS. What do I have to live for ? there is no
reason you cannot just take me away. If I get surgery why? NO ONE CAN EXTEND MY LIFE 30 YRS BECAUSE THEY ARE GONE FOREVER. GOD STOLE MY LIFE BUT
MAYBE THE IS BECAUSE THERE IS NO DAMN GOD.
BECAUSE WHAT KINDA GOD WOULD TORTURE A HUMAN BEING THAT IS SO SMART YET
SO EMOTIONALLY ILL THAT SHE CANNOT TAKE CARE OF HERSELF?
There is no reason to have surgery because no one can
replace the last thirty years of experience as a woman. They are gone forever
and what happens to me from this point on does not matter. I have amounted to
nothing just like my...... told me.
Yet the god we think exist continues to torture me by the
day. I get so confused at the smallest task. For example when I am cooking and I
pick up the knife with my right hand and my brain says wrong hand stupid. So I
have to use my left hand and this causes me so much stress that it overloads my
brain and I end up on the floor crying. I wonder how hard god is laughing at
the freak he created ?
God seems to have tortured me all of my life. Then when I thought I had it almost all
together last year at the same time the company contract was lost I was dumped
into my apartment. additionally none of my family
will talk to me.............
So to recap this nightmare I have no job , no car , no
family, no friends who visit me in my apartment unless you count the two case
manager that come to my apartment. thus in my life I have accomplished nothing.
I do not have money to even buy a pair of pantyhose.
I would like to take my anger which is about as high as it
has ever been in my life but I am wired to love people. I was so furious today that
I took a knife in my hand and I was about to drive it hard as I could into the
wall over and over but I realized nothing can bring back the 30 yrs that were
stolen by god. There is not enough dishes to break in any house to reduce the
anger in me. I am not anger now but I am
…… there is no hope and I don’t even care if I ever have surgery because there
is no reason. First I cannot get back the 30 yrs and I have no girlfriend , no
family and no friends so I have no life. Surgery would serve no propose but
maybe as a pure science experiment. I wish god or satan would just take me. I
dared god to just take me and so far he has not taken me on my offer. I hope he
does soon because I will accomplish nothing more than a mere existence in the
future.
But I could take my anger out on people like .......who uses
her gender to make money. There is that much angers me. i could make it my life
mission to take down organizations like hers’ and expose the lies they promote
to the public. Now that would release my anger. I know I am capable of
inflecting real damage and why not take it out on the people that have hurt me
because there is no god.
On the other hand maybe I am just an mentally ill veteran
who cannot take care of herself. I am so
ill that I have to call my friends to help me with the smallest task because of
my illness. So maybe I am just a male who thinks she is a female and the
doctors and others are right I am man in dress and is a real freak.
I guess all just does not matter. Society and god has taken
away my most basic part of self , my gender. There is no one in this universe
that can replace the last 30 yrs of experiences as a woman. They are gone
forever. It would not matter if I won
the lottery and had millions of dollars because no one can replace the time
that was stolen from me. yet I have no
anger towards the woman who is living her life as she wants in Portland
The whole thing with me is although I am very anger I cannot
kill myself nor hurt others. So god , if he exist, ………..why would you do this
to me? I feel like god is laughing at me and enjoying ever second and ever tear
of what I could have been 30 yrs ago. I
hope he has a good laugh because the pain he has inflicted is beyond anything
most people can begin to understand.
What can society and god take from me at this point? Really?
There is nothing more anyone can take. If someone killed me it would serve only the purpose of doing
society a favor because I am just draining on society at this point. 30 YRS
………………………………………..I FOUGHT FOR NOTHING.
I WON NOTHING AND THERE IS NOT A THING THAT CAN TURN TIME BACK. I have a family THAT HAS DISOWNED ME AND THIS IS MY REWARD FOR PRETENDING FOR SO MANY
YEARS.
So if I prostitute myself it would not matter. I was a fool
to think I could make a difference in society.
There are good people here but there is no reason a god would create a
freak like me that is so smart , driven and one that could have helped others
if only I lived as a woman. 30 yrs………….
No worries … I don’t plan to hurt anyone nor myself. But the realization that my life amounted to
zero was not a good thing today. But a
lesson mankind taught me and in the moment as depressed as I was I did not join
in with a woman who was most definitely a white supremacist. Although others
discriminate against entire subcultures I cannot nor will ever do that to a
human being. I do not blame others that
have helped me in my journey but so many either barely tolerate my existence or
want nothing to do with me. but god could have helped me 30 yrs ago but he
chose to let me suffer and suffer…. now today there is no way to replace the 30
yrs that could have been so fulfilled as a woman. But as I have said before
maybe I am a guy in a dress?
There is nothing ......... of you can do and I know
that. I just think that it is criminal
for society and god to torture a woman like me who has been good most of her
life and literally taken ................ There is no rational reason that this
should have happened. My life was stolen from me at birth.
My father said in a letter… if anything went wrong…. God
everything went wrong and you did not lift a finger to help me until I was 54
and disabled. What kinda god are you that enjoys hurting nice people? I am in prison and there will be no parole
for Rachel. I understand this now so
surgery is a non issue.
I was wrong about so much concerning my life, society and
god. I would walk out of my apartment
now and leave all of my belonging but since I have arthritis I cannot live on the streets. At least on the streets I have control of
something. My father did this at my age and I thought he was crazy but he is
right we are all rats in a cage.
Otherwise Donald would have been born Rachel but that did not happen nor
was god’s error corrected in the last 50 yrs .
This is how I feel now and I will now go through the motions
like I did before I came to Portland
Thank you
rachel
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