Hi
The last week I have been
thinking of what if I danced and I am not talking about ballet. There was a time when I lived with my mother
that I actually virtually lived at a strip club and I knew a few of the girls
quite well and the in and outs of the business. One I knew well and we went to
lunch one day and she told me she did it for the money but would prefer to do
something else but the money was too good.
I was supposedly the black
sheep of the family ……. who was a drug dealer for a while and he told me his
best client’s were the strippers. I think what draws me to the subculture is
the women seem so feel and nothing is off limits. I know when I watched them dance I wish I was
on stage dancing but know this lifestyle comes with severe consequences. I know the window to dancing is an audition
which leads to more dancing and money and more money. Is this prostitution?
Would god give me a pass for the first dance? Of course not!!!
I cannot even keep a straight
face and say this is flat out prostitutions because I would be using my body to
illicit money from customers.( but if the customers were women that would not
be prostitution ? right ? lol) I know last year when I was more slender I wore
a short black dress to the hamburger mary’s and there is reason I was hit on a
lot. That dress barely covers my butt
cheek’s and with my black boots I am sure I looked good at 178lbs. I did not audition because of many reasons
but one was my left knee is bad. Well that is what I told myself in the
moment.
Am I serious about dancing?
More serious than you think because I would do almost anything for surgery at
this point in my life. I think I have
made my way through my childhood and now emotionally I am in my mid 20’s and
the hormones are pushing like never before.
Watching what I do and what
my experiences are at this point are perhaps more dangerous because of the
potential for real disaster due to seeking a sexual partner when my soul is seeking a soul mate. The acceptance of the right woman vs any
woman as a woman is driving me to my limits and beyond. Can I make the right decision and not , excuse me , end up in bed with the wrong
woman ? I don’t think sexual orientation
at this level matters while on hormones because we the new woman are seeking
acceptance from people at all levels.
Making the right decisions can make or break you mentally from my point
of view.
How bad is the drive to with a
woman? last week I have tried to think
of new memories to the songs that lead me to not think of maladaptive dreams of
the past and my thoughts have gone to stripping and very detailed sexual
desires with a woman. This is a new one that came and went in the past but
seems here to stay.
I flirted with a female two Halloweens’ on
the train and it was so nature to me. Trust me only in Portland
I know I am going on and on
and I think this is my way of processing of what to do but this issue is really
pressing me to my limits. I usual know
how to get what I want but this one scares me because if I go on a mission to find
a woman and she is the wrong one I could end up in white city no questions
asked. I know in my heart I am a woman
that wants to learn the violin because music heals my soul and has really
helped me in the past. I want both and
as a 20’s year old emotional woman I want both and now.
I have that black short skirt
hanging in my living room for many reason but one is I loved how I felt 2 yrs
ago when I was so much more slim. But
that dress today could dig me a mental hole I could not mentally work my way out for a long time. It could possibly help me get surgery as soon
as this year but at what price Damn ziglar price is one time and cost is
ongoing. So using his logic the ? price
of surgery is one time but the cost of dancing to get the surgery would cost
and cost for years to come in my life.
However ziglar was did not have estrogen in his body to try and control the
human body’s emotions while making such a hard decision. Trust me men have it
easy and I am a person would know the difference of not being on estrogen. I know what it feels like when I see a woman
screaming … I am not on my period … lmao
I probably will not dance but
this space you give me has really proven the unknown factor in my growth as a
woman. This space has enabled me to process information very quickly, vent and
many other things and I thank you for that.
But if the right woman comes up to me I think
the game is up at this point if my hormones are raging like they are now. This is why I am so transparent too and that
is because it helps me prevent such serious issues from occurring by putting
them on the table. This is much like attempting suicide which is unlikely but
putting it on the table makes it even less likely because only a person in
denial or lying would say suicide will never happen to me on hormones. Especially with that statistics’ demonstrate
many turn back on hormones and many do attempt suicide while on hormones. This
is no game and it literally could be life and death. At times it feels like
Russian roulette but I had not idea what I was getting in to until I started
hormones.
I just wanted some breast and
nice girlfriend along with hormones. What happened on the way to taking
hormones is much like going in the marines when the recruiter said you will travel
the world. You get to parris island and you think how the hell did I end up
here and how do I get out.
But with estrogen it is a one
way ticket with no end of enlistment date because it will last the rest of your
life even if you decide to come off of hormones you will know what is on the
other side of the fence. It changes you so much and how you look at the world
and how you process information. You are seeing the world through a brand new
prism that changes by the hour at times. This is truly what estrogen does to
the body. As many woman have told me welcome to womanhood as they laugh and one
said now you understand Rachel.
The problem is I understand
way too much but I am one sharp cookie and this is the reason I am still above
the ground after 2 ½ yrs on estrogen. I
have only had to learn on the fly because those before me refuse to go public
about their experience on hormones. I will do all can to remain in the public eye about the experience and prevent attempted
suicides and deaths. I am part of the solution not the problem.
Thank you
rachel
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