the first part of the email is deleted for the privacy of my friends and myself.
.....................................
do i hate that i was born with a penis.... omfg
yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssss..... i just wish i was born a woman. but
i cannot and will not hide nor blame others for this major flaw in my dna.
i am tired of the pain but i will neverrrrrrrrrrrrr hide again. i rather
get raped and killed then hide again.i am tired of the liessssssss that is my
secret.
i am determined to end the lies of an entire subculture and if they
kill me for it so be it. this is really how i feel . i cannot tell many
but this is really how I feel and this is my secret. when i eluded
to joan of arc in my blog a long time ago i was and am serious. ....... i know i
carry a lot of pain around but at least i have feeling now. when the hormones
leveled off i got a taste of what i used to feel.........nothingggggggggggg.
i
had no emotions until the hormones kicked back in and there is , excuse me, no
way in hell i am coming off of hormones for surgery. according to the gyno
doctor coming off hormones for surgery is old school. in all likelihood coming off of hormones is
a major reason woman that have srs are depressed after the surgery. it all makes sense to
me now .
i am meeting .......... so she can show me how to
crowd fund and gather info on the surgery done at ucsf surgery. i will be
the lab rat for them. my ....... seems to think if i go
to a dr like dr bowers i am not a lab rat. i am lab rat no matter who i go to
because the fact is there is no one reliable study on the satisfaction on srs
surgery. ......mouth dropped when i told her i want to do a video before,
during and after surgery. i cannot fail on this goal but during my day of
calm i realized i had fallen into the trap so many other do and that my life is
consumed by srs.
i am not sure i can do it but i am going to come up with a
plan after surgery. the problem is the energy that it takes to hold the line on
hormones, map out surgery compounded with the stress of normal life is
overwhelming and one cannot plan anything beyond that moment in time.
like i told ........ the support group is far more important that the
estrogen. i hope i can do all i want to with the surgery and brining it
to the forefront in society.
the one thing that would kill me ? if i have surgery
and go stealth like so many. that would kill me knowing that because i did not
speak out others committed suicide . this is something i cannot live with nor
will do .
honestly i will say it over and over but all i wanted was
hormones some breast , live as woman and find a gf . what i got was a rewired
brain and totally different person and .....said i like who you are rachel.
the hiding and shame is what kills along with the stealth mode. to
me it is this basic . a air force veteran asked me if a guy from my old unit in
the marines asked for my help, inferring combat, would i go if i could go
as rachel? i told her that is not a question I will go because they are my
fellow marines . it is a sense of duty and honor. this duty and honor , the
marine in me , came forth when i took my first estrogen pill. i feel this same
duty to speak on my journey on hormones. thus my journey is different than
others and thus the hormones are more effective then so in turn better coping
skills are needed on my journey. this i did not ask for nor want but this
is who i am ... rachel. i have hid for too many years and so many others have
hide and continue to hide. i will not hide again ............never.
if i have my way i will speak in the high school i graduated
from in 1977. i am not running from but to the fire. as a guy said in the
documentary about marines, marines intuitively run to the fire. i am running to
my past to heal myself and help others. this is all a marine knows and all i
know. may i die because of my beliefs and the estrogen ? both are
possible but i will not die of an emotional death on disability in an apartment.
like a marine i would rather die fighting the fight then .......i would say
what the marines say but it is not very lady like.........win or lose the fight
.... i win my freedom... this is what my journey is about my freedom and my
friends.
wow this email went in a different direction than i started
with at the beginning. i was just going to ask how................... as doing? you know rachel
lol
thank you
rachel
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