hi
I have surpassed 30 months of hormone treatment and have overted the single biggest issue in the community suicide and attempted suicide. how? the support group around me and the strong women and god looking over me nearly 24/7. it is a miracle of god that I am alive and in such a good mental state of mind.
There was a struggle between the male and female in december of 2013 and finally the woman inside was strong enough to push out the fake personality that was used to protect me physically for decades. I think a critical part of the puzzle is I was willing to die for what I believed in and that was there was a woman in hiding for decades. when one is crying on the living floor morning after morning , which still happens, it test your very soul and will to live. i was tested and tested like never in my life. The marines, my education, experiences and raising my daughter combined did not compare to how much was tested during the first 30 months.
the day of calm was february 26, 2014 when the anxiety had been so bad my vision was impared at night to the point i had a hard time seeing . thus i had to go to bed and sleep because of the lack of vision. Where is this on line or talked about in the subculture. all this secrecy nearly cost me my life and other lives.
that day everything was so calm where I was not mad, upset , nor any anxiety . it was surreal and lasted only one day before my hormones started to kick back in my body. i am not sure if a dose of muscle relaxants brought this state of mind on to me or not. I am researching that issue now for the purpose of knowledge. but know that that day of calm was needed for my body to adjust to the hormones and a very critical part of the process.
a gyno who rx me the relaxant for arthritis due to back pain told me that when there is estrogen dominance she recommends a cleanse of estrogen to women. A cleanse is where you would not take estrogen for one day and go back on the regular dose the next day. she stated that this will typically relieve that condition of estrogen dominance which was not present in my body. she said under estrogen dominance one sysmpton is the breast are painful to the touch. mine hurt because of growth which seems to be ongoing even past 30 months. I have seen documentation that the breast growth can be expected to be ongoing between 2-5 yrs. wow i wonder what plan i am on or will it go for ten years. so many unknowns on estrogen.
my anxiety is back since the estrogen kicked back in at night but so far no blurry vision or light headedness to the point i feel like i am going to pass out. that is really how it is on estrogen for me. Can you survive the memories of the past, mood swings, the light headedness, anxiety attacks etc and pre dialing 911 / emergency number because you think you might have a panic attack. the last time i pre dialed 911 was last night. this is not fun stuff but it is who i am and i will not turn back . i am determined to see it through and if it kills me so be it . what I mean by kill me is the drug or the surgery not suicide. i am out to prove everyone wrong and a woman like me can be successfull on estrogen and live to tell the real story to help herself and others.
like i said last night i am a marine and this marine is on a mission. nothing is more important that the mission and suicide is failure and I will not fail my friends , myself not god. my friends are women of god and the guardian angels who were brought into my life to help me and other's heal.
I will set up a fund raising site for my surgery with the goal of surgery by jan 2015 this week which either be video taped for television or utube. thus the goal of helping others helps me cope with the intense
internal pain.
take care and thank you
rachel
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