how i rebounded from the hell over the few days and my private thoughts to friends

 i talked, my ra doctor, and dr ............with fibromagia it is
very difficult to treat and there are few meds that really are
effective in the treatment of this disease. the one that is effective
is the one that shut my hormones off. so the best choice of action ,
sounds like a legal doc sorry, is for me to see physical therapy and
the tens unit really has been a good pain reliever in this case.

i dare to say I have been blessed by caring women but in the
moment i want to push everyone away.  i have perfected this skill yrs
ago because of my own pain but i cannot shake ......  i really
cannot understand the rationale for the pain and suffering for 50 yrs
when i was a good woman most of my life and took the hard road many
times.  where is the logic?

it is possible that i fear a relationship with a woman would be too
painful to endure because once we became intimate .. i am not a real
woman yet.... i just don't know if i ever will have the ability to
have the surgery completed. i know there are self destructive
behaviors in play , which i have put in place subconsciously, that are
being put up by me to stop the surgery. yet it could heal me in so
many ways.

my god my breast are hurting and that is because by giving me this
space to write it releases enough of the pain that .... accept me as rachel not a man in dress.
 i just wonder how many i meet
in person do they  think i am rachel or man in a dress. i could
respect their opinion to a point and talk to them but i wonder if they
are lying to my face. answer is i don't know .

i reread the complaint i filed with ........ about this time last
yr as i looked over my files in my computer today. my ability to focus
on the issues and cut with my pen amazes me. i was able to access the
failings of the organization in the moment because it added
credibility to my claim. but today i do not have the desire or will to
fight any longer. i think i have learned that the bickering that was
practiced in my family and fighting has no value in the family or our
lives. the result is no one wins.

 i thought about this a while back and do you remember war games the
movie? and at the end would you not prefer a game of ?  the computer
had learned that the acceptable loses are not so acceptable. since i
was a political science major at penn state i relate to this movie
very well because we talked about acceptable losses in respect to
hospitals , people in the event of nuclear strike by the soviet union.
our professor was in the think tank of president ....brain shut down
the president that replaced nixon? this professor and his colleagues
sat around all day calculating the loses based on different soviet
strikes and how we could respond with nato. the fact is we were wrong
about so much and one such thing is the accuracy of the soviet
missiles paralleled the united states. thus the calculation of
acceptable losses were wrong and .... where i am going with this.....
there are no winners in a war or fights.

where i will end up in my journey i have no idea but know that..... have made a difference in my life that has been very positive.




thank you