rachel the lesbian? and more on surgery( and yet another email to a friend or two)

Why I hate other women ? lol

I don’t hate other women because they have a vagina but I do hate them because they look better than me.  How dare her breast be bigger than mine?  How dare her body be hotter than me?

To tell the true story when I was down to 178lbs and dressed in this short black skirt hanging in my living room I was the hottest in the club.  This is why the men hit on me not to mention it barely covered my butt. My goal was to turn eyes just not the men.  I was trying to attract the women but I was in the wrong place.(hamburger mary’s)

Why?  There are lesbian get together’s I know about called the inferno in Portland via my facebook group. The reason I don’t go is because what if I saw a very attractive woman and she asked, “ have you had your surgery?” I would have to say, “no.” I could not handle the face to face rejection. I experienced how I could not handle the online rejection because of not having surgery from women. I cried and cried when I was rejected on line because of not having surgery to the point I left the social groups on line.

Even best case scenario I would meet  a girl that loves me for me? We become intimate and we both cry because she cannot please me. This is so hard on me I would not want to inject this pain into anyone’s life.  This is why I never actively sought a mate when I was more slender 2 yrs ago. I knew in the back of my mind I could not handle the rejection. 

I know it is possible she might like me as me and want to be intimate with me the way I am but I cannot. It is very common in the subculture that no one touches penis.  I cannot pretend it is not there and It  needs to be  gone now.  I just want to be a with woman as woman once before I die.  I never thought I would want this surgery so bad. 

Now I am back to thinking of prostitution as the military would say by any means necessary. If I get’s to May 2014 it could be by any means necessary.  I will have to matters in to my own hands but I know also if I prostitute myself I could go to jail and end up in a men’s prison and possibly be raped and killed. What a life?  I am between a rock and hard spot with no where to run.  ( mora you suck my life is fantastic, I am fantastic and my family is fantastic; how can she live with herself ?) 

I wish I had ..... as my therapist( looking for new therapist since one of nearly two yrs moved to another position in the va) I need to vent…. I don’t mean the things I am thinking but wow it is intense over here.  The truth is my hormones rage from the time I get up until the time I go to bed.  There is no let up but there is are up’s and down’s of the moods and it hits hard almost all day long. Just sometimes harder then others but just when you are about to gain your balance there she is again twisting and turning your mind harder than the day before. 

................... hormones because you have coping mechanisms the average person has not thought of nor heard of in their world.  The maladaptive dreams I have counter act some of the hardest times on hormones without them I have no idea how the hell I would cope with the twist and turns she throws at me. I have had to keep the maladaptive dreams with me so I live to fight another day.  That might sound crazy but there is there isn’t anyway I can mentally heal much more without surgery.  To let go of the maladaptive dreams would put me in the mental wing of the VA. I have no doubt about it. 

It was my dream just before or after I started hormones to be able to dance on a stripper pole and be a manager of a company. I think a woman should be able to be who she wants to be without prejudice of any kind.  Just because she loves to flaunt her body or wear a short dress that does not make her a slut.  I have heard far too many men and women say she is a slut because of the way she dresses etc. I saw this occur at the .......... This woman was very attractive and dressed in what others might think was sexually provocative attire. I thought maybe she was but once I talked to her I realized she was a nice woman that enjoyed having a nice body. There was no attitude in our conversations.  So I know what others probably thought of me walking around Portland in my very short black skirt and I could care less.

I never had the chance to be a teenager nor at penn state and just let it all go like 20’s some year old do. I feel I have been cheated out of so much of my life because of society.  I do not think it is much to ask for me to be me at 54.  the reason I am so open is I have nothing to lose. Society took everything from me and I had to crawl out of a homeless shelter to the VA transitional homeless housing with my claws.( my education and experience made this possible )  I just want to be me and I will have to risk the possibility of death to be me. I have no idea what the survival rate is because of the secrecy of the damn community. It is like walking into the abyss and not knowing if you will walk out or die. This is exactly how I see the surgery.  Ok next lab rat…  … should get this one right….. is that the real game??????

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Everyone in my life is in this pretty deep too. I am the one putting my life on the line but many friends  have an emotional interest and love me. I know all of this but I cannot live with a penis much longer. I am a patient with cancer that needs treatment. I will settle for what I can get and worry about fixing it later.

If this was my daughter what would I do? I am glad she is happy with who she is and will  hopefully never go through this hell. I would not wish this on anyone. Only satan would wish this on someone.

Thank you

rachel