hi
i was sitting in Fred Meyers and then it occurred to me why when you used the phrase " authenticate self" it really bothered me. at times when i heard others use it I made my stomach turn. i know why as i cry, cry. it is because i have to admit that i was born with a male body .. wow writing that was so hard..... and a female brain. so when I was talking to a woman and explaining that the similarity between my brain and the female's is very, very similar and she said the brains are different that comment cut me so F----- deep i emotional shut down. so there are two issues here one is that i was born with a male body and physique, i hate it, i hate it, and others society cannot admit there is the possibility that my brain is nearly identical to a female's.
i learned of transgendered people in 10th grade in ..... biology class. at the moment in time i knew that was me. in fact hearing it from a teacher and seeing an article in our biology book really was a shocking moment. but on the other hand i learned that there were others like me but i dare not talk about it. also , to be transparent , i had a pair of black thongs on during the class and perhaps that is why it hit me so hard? so as i cry i knew most of my life who I was and kept it secret for safety reasons.
i still detest the phrase authenticate self because i have been me all of my life inside and struggling to figure out how to almost find a way for acceptance. the fact is i will never be able to be my authenticate self because my childhood,teen years, and most of my adult life was stolen from me thus the experiences i would have had as a woman are gone forever before i started hormones. i cannot reproduce the memories that were never and will never be in the past thus how can anyone say you are not living as you authenticate self. it pains me beyond belief that i could never be me as a child or teen. i have to tried to recreate those memories while in portand by hanging out of younger women in their 20's but you cannot recreate time that is forever goneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
i have tried to rationalize that everything will be ok now if i am able to work and have surgery but the fact is who i am was altered at birth because i was raised as male based on the pure fact i was born with a penis. now had i been born with a large bone structure and a vagina ohh then i would have been raised as a female. now narrowed minded is society to say penis is a male and vagina is female.
what can i do? I have no idea what my authenticate self is suppose to be or could have been because the memories will never be , never. until last year i had to fight my way into womanhood like a street fighter fighting for each square block of territory. there was little room for error and what better way to be trained then by a street figher and boxer , my father and the marines. where was god ? seriously?
my tired old body is fighting for my life each day to learn what it is like to be a woman while removing and adding what i need to move forward in my life. so the brain capacity to live as my authenticate self today is limited because of the hiding of the past 50 yrs. while the trauma continues in many new forms such as the fear of rape, being killed, .laughing at me in pubic or just outside my apartment as i go to catch the train, job discrimination because who wants to put my face in a direct sales position, and much more. so take all of this stress and trauma and add it up and how can one blend into society and be their authenticate self? or i could just do like some do after surgery and blend into society never to be seen again by altering my face but fear others can find out I was born a male. either way the trauma continues and continues ...... there is not end to the trauma and making peace with that is very difficult with , sometimes, another trauma daily. the trauma in my opinion replicates the PTSD of a soldier returning from years of combat only to fight different battles in the civilian world. the war will never end because the enemy is not me but the ones that fear what they do not understand.
my experience in the marines prepared me for this fight? how? in the 1970's marines would go off base and people would point, laugh, whisper under their breath while starring at the marines. in response many of us, including me, would star them down basically saying please say something. this trauma was in addition to living with men that were predators to women and others in the marines. both off base and on base trauma never ended but there were people that supported the marines and the military in the 1970's but there was a portion of the population detested our very existence. violence? in Hawaii I read reports that one marine was physically assaulted by 12 locals and another case two marines were sleeping in the best in Hawaii and a 2 by 4 piece of wood was used to kill them. how is my life different now that when i was in the marines? i see no difference as i cry and cry... the war will never end for me me. there are specific reasons why i hid for decades. i literally had to be prepared to fight never ending war but before i started the process i thought it would be different for me but i was wrong again.
however when i lived in Herminston, Oregon USA I really had no issues in a predominantly Latino population. so in time may be it is a good idea to move after my surgery to another city other than Portland. I really don't want to fight any more but I feel like i dragged into struggle after struggle because people lack the ability to understand that i am just a woman that wants to live her life without conflict.
also in a closing note this is almost like a running joke in the trans community. although a group of men will laugh at me, us almost every time one of the men will peal off and hit on us for sex. this has happened to me more than once. it not appropriate to be with someone like me due to societal norms established by years of ignorance but that male would gladly have sex with us without the knowledge of his friends. this makes me livid and very anger.
on a closing note i take back that estrogen has given me the ability to be anger and fight others. i do not have the ability to be hateful and hurt anyone. i am a loving woman, and if you don't like me saying that, to others that think that .... ohh how at times i wish was in the marines.... but in all honesty I would not say what i am thinking because it is not me.
while in the marines i did everything to be nonmilitary which raised eye brows but did not get me into major trouble. for instance i used civilian time, put my dog tags in my pocket, but when it came to completing with the boys i was game for that and workout to improve my fitness to complete in runs and hold my own lifting weights. my efforts lifting weights and running put me in good standing with the boys club but no one knew i was batting for the other team. so on my second tour my friends were women and the boys would say, " oh so you are siding with them... your a bitch now right? ": welcome to the marines and the testing ground for me living as a woman. as i said before i had to learn to use the mind of street fighter to navigate society.
forever people are saying you are one strong woman and to that i say only because as i cry again i have to as rachel. i don't want to fight anymore but it looks like if i want to stay my authenticate self or close to it i will this until i move to a place where people simply embrace me as me and no further fighting is necessary. but by then the memories of what could have been are forever gone. this is my prospective of my life and the challenges of it.
i love my friends to death and their belief in me but some of society continue to drag me in the gutter for a fight , mental or physical, that is not necessary. all i want is a girlfriend/wife and perhaps a child to raise as our own in the country just like i wanted as a child. i am not complicated but simply a country girl that had / had to fight with every fiber of her being to be just me and .... the damage done to me has been substantial when none of this was necessary.
i live in fear for my life as i broad the train , walk from my apartment or wherever i go in my life. to think i will never be raped, beat up or killed is not rational based on the pure numbers of us that are killed, raped and tortured like girl in Hawaii that was found tied to a chair naked back in the 1980's. this is my reality of the world as i just try to be me. wanna be me for a day you better get some training in the marines first or the street?
so between my life in the marines and today there is virtual no difference in the dangers in my life. i am looking for pity but please be real to yourself before you undertake this life. it picked me i did not pick it and would want this for their child?
now looking forward I am trying to secure work again while emailing a surgeon in thailand on the specific issues surrounding surgery. i have an incredible amount of support but it is a pressure cooker of a life that you better want it this bad or turn back because this life, my life, will challenge like you never have been challenged before in your life. i want it enough to die for what i believe in just like joan of arc. this mentality has enabled me to make it this far on hormones and opened doors for me with the help of some really good people. but my enemies are within my community, outside my door and every place you can imagine. i am fighting so i just have my dream life of living in the country where i worry about how many dozen cookies my girlfriend/ wife will eat after i cook them for us.
thank you
rachel
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