my grandmother and bonds with women

sorry for the typos no time right now to proof read

Hi

What and why I try to avoid working out in the mornings? I know for a fact, not why, exercising through some mechanism increases the effectiveness of estrogen. This in turn starts the process of pushing my body and mind to adapt to the increased effectiveness and thus the memories that are buried deep in my mind. This is why I think you are unearthing the devil at times.

This morning was one of the worst of my life.  I was crying on the floor as I stretched and suddenly I began to cry so violently that I shook my head. At this instant my mind had a flashback of my childhood. ( this is what estrogen really does) I remember crying exactly like I did this morning when I was a child. the event I remember is I was at my grandmother’s crying uncontrollably and my mother said to my grandmother, “ I did not touch Donnie and I do not know what is wrong with him.” My grandmother then asked me what is wrong? I said, as I cried, “ I don’t know.”

I do know now why I was crying as a child in that instant this morning.  I was so confused of my environment that I could only do one thing and that is cry. I really did not know what was wrong when I was a child. but I do know after today that my mother would make me pick, for instance, one coat or another coat when buying winter coats for me. I did not want either one but she was insistent I pick one of the coats. I would say, “ I guess that one.” Then I would not want to wear the coat and she would say you picked it. I would say you made me pick the coat.

It is becoming more and more clear that I knew when I was a baby who I was in this world. I can remember back to a time frame I have pinned down between 3-5 yrs old.  I know this because we only lived in this apartment in my hometown during those years of my life.  I am afraid I will soon be overwhelmed with what I knew when I was a baby to 2 yrs old. this actually is the critical time of my life because my mother more than likely went back to work for mcdonnell douglas aircraft corp where my family worked. Yet I am pretty sure that my grandmother baby sat me while my parents worked. This is not fact but there is a strong likelihood of this because of a picture my grandmother gave to me before she went into the retirement home. 

I think I was very close to my grandmother because … I was close to my grandmother because my mother told me on many occasions to go with my father while my brother and sister went with my mom. She compelled me to go with my father when I told her I wanted to go with her. Since my father was not a nurturing man and my mother did not want me particularly too much but only offered conditional love which I detested I was driven to my grandmother. 

So my grandmother did not live with me but she was my real mom. This revelation today was not really nice… as I cry….. I was not wanted by either parent since I like to spend time with both my mother pushed me away and my father wanted a man.  But my grandmother told me she loved me and hugged me a lot as a child.  she never abandoned me and I miss her so much. I wish she could see me now.  I am crying and crying…….

I know so much more every day it is so overwhelming. People say I wish I knew etc from my past believe me you don’t want to remember everything like I do.  I am do defiant of people because of my mother and her sister and how they treated me different then my brother and sister. 

I knew my grandmother loved me and she told me more than once if my parents threw me out of the house I could stay with her , my grandfather.  I just wanted people to respect me and my nuclear family did not want me. it looks like it was gender but it was all about my independence but gender was used to justify not talking to me at this point in my life. 

... was right I never was quiet because there was always someone in my life that had my back. When I was a child I challenged my mother and father because I knew my grandmother had my back and she was my strength.  There were times when I was told to do things and I would say something like “ I wonder what grandma would say about this.” ( I knew it was something that was not right and I would challenge my mother)  my mother would say, “ your grandmother does not run this house.” Then I would say, “ right?”  then my mother would say, “ that is right mister so get it done.” I would say, at times, “ let me think about it.” My mother would say, “ get moving if I will smack your ass ().  I would finally say , “ I guess so.”  This all started when I was younger and as I got older I became more challenging and my mother would get in my face and I had the look of the challenge is on and this was true of the relationship with my father. ... is right all I want is respect. I had no respect from my mother nor father so I gave them none.

But if my mother said, “ I am going to tell your grandmother.” I would think let’s not go that far lol.  My mother would ask me throughout my life why is it that your grandmother can get you do things and you will not do them for me. that was because my grandmother loved me and showed me through her actions and words.

I thought today who in my family is a loving person like my grandmother? there is only one me!!!............

All I know is the love of my grandmother is in me. she was my first mentor, friend and a woman of god.  I frustrated her many times in our lives but she never turned her back on me.  she was proud of me and when her .... did everything in their power to get my grandmother to turn her back on me she refused. Not only did she refuse she brought me closer to her. I think my grandmother was ashamed of how her daughters treated me.

My grandmother born in 1909 had strong morals, character and a deep belief in god which taught me.  I am so much like my grandmother but in my journey before hormones society had stolen my identity and my morals and principals did not matter. Now with my gender reset to what I should have been raised my high moral character is a challenge because there is a wide side that wants to do what a 20’s woman would do such as strip or date...........  This is a serious challenge and it will be hard to tell the first woman no if she comes on strong.

This brings me to how the physical therapist touched the back of my neck in assessing my pain. I was really shocked at how sensitive I am about being touched by anyone. I am a totally different person now and I am very scared of how I may react to a kiss from a woman and more. I think I am right! The world as I knew it will never be again and each new experience is just that new to me.  my mind is having a hard time adapting to the same environment as a new environment every day. This would include a trip to the supermarket.  This to me can overwhelm me. this highlights how fast my brain is changing and how hard it is to keep up with the pace of the estrogen or whatever is going on in my brain.

. I am getting more comfortable with myself. I just noticed the other day that I put on my lipstick in front of a full size mirror. I know why I did  not do that for so long and that is because it reminds me of watching my mom do that when I was a child. 

If I can hold on I think I will heal my soul but the future is so uncertain in my mind.  But for the first time I see hope in my life that surgery is down the road but that terrifies me to death.  Someone is going to slice up the back of my penis and make it into a vagina.  It makes me cry because I am not sure I will live to tell about it but others have? Why don’t other talk about it? Every time I try to talk to someone that lives close to me that has had surgery they do not answer my email or facebook message. Why is everyone hiding? What are they hiding.

But most of all why if I have sexual relations with a woman that is too rough too soon and I tear something? How hard can I push my body to work, sex etc …. There is no one to bounce this off of that I have met in person or on line. In fact I have tried to talk to a few in public and they simply ignore me like I am not talking to them. why? Maybe it is they do not want to be recognized as transgendered woman or different type of woman? 

The only people that seem willing to help me and talk about hormones are women. I think I have found my comfort and home with women.  I am not hiding from a community because I have been talked to women like my grandmother since I was child. there was no transition for me with women since starting hormones. The difficulty has been men.

I will have been on hormones for 3 yrs in august of this year.  I have to say I have had surreal ride in those three years. But all of this was started by my grandmother who taught me about creating relationships. The relationships I have today are the difference in me as a woman and the woman around me guide me no matter where I go in my life. This would include the VA, corps , Portland community, non profits, etc. it simply does not matter where I go I have learned an indispensable skill of creating relationship and nurturing them while keeping what is talked about to myself. This has created a deeper trust and relationship which has defined me as a woman. This is the Rachel difference on hormones.