how i have changed, thoughts of suicide and people around me

Hi

what hormones are really like and how much surgery would mean to me :


this morning was a normal day to me where i cry when i get up , when i
exercise and well i cry some more. it is becoming harder by the second
to wait for surgery. this morning and yesterday the light headedness
was back again but it seems to have dissipated now. I am still very
conscious of how i walk and i am walking much softer then before with
my hips swinging back and forth. I think this is because i know it is
safe to be me. i was hiding so much and why because people would
physically hurt me or kill me. i know all of this but that is why i
spend so much of my life in my fantasy world.

so this morning i made it through doing the dishes without breaking
down. yes that is a big deal because this left orientation is nearly
breaking me. how bad is it? if i am going for the frig and i am
turning to my right i will stop mid way and turn to my left. i mean
who would not be challenged by such a change in their life?  this
happens all the time in my apartment because i am confused in the
moment and this causes me to go into fight or flight and switch to
right orientation but then my brain detects this and reverses course.

I had to learn to shave, peel potatoes, cut onions and everything with
my left while my hormones are raging like never before so cooking
breakfast this morning and doing the dishes without a break down is a
big deal. however, i hate this word but, when i was arranging my
heating pad i became so frustrated i had a mini melt down this
morning. i cried and cried and said to myself what is wrong with me ..
why am i like this... please just send me to white city this is too
much for me...... this is not party over here ......... then somehow i
allow myself to cry and move forward. i don't know how much more of
this i can take. i know the hormones are for me but the anxiety and
depression of my gender and abuse overwhelm me in the moment.

i am fighting for my life to be me.  i am tired of fighting all i want
a gf and to cook my cookies. that is it. is that asking society to
much for?  then i think of the surgery and it is not the money. i have
no idea of what i am getting myself into ? i mean if one thinks of the
surgery i am asking someone in a foreign country to do and hope it all
goes well.  but this is what i think i planned all along but
consciously it was hidden from me because to accept all that i am yrs
ago would have killed me mentally ... literally.

my case is typical but the people in my life are anything but typical
from the ........................... many others. i think that we
all gave each other a chance to know each other where others in this
subculture would make you all walk on pins and needles.  this i don't
understand as a human being. i understand the fear of pulling my
hormones as i did today because i am sick i was thinking the first
thing they will pull are my hormones. i get why others go to the net
and other sources and that is because of the heartache of losing what
is essential to our existence. what i don't understand is no one
outside the subculture knows what it is like to be us? true but bruce
once told me he was given 6 mos to live. the man knows about how
precious life is and how close he came to losing his life. people will
understand if everyone gives them a chance. i think this is why my
experience on hormones is so different.

also it is the portland culture or the people of portland. today i was
talking to a girl attending portland state and she said she is
studying to be a therapist lol...................... we all were
pulled together because of this other girl that was crying. i kinda
read her eyes and she read mine and we began to talk. none of this
exist where i come from and the conversations i have had in the va and
in the community have moved me so far in so little time.

i just want the last component of my life ..... to be direct a vagina.
 the pretending needs to end for me asap.  when i think of cutting my
penis which is a here and there i think if i do that I cannot have
surgery maybe?  when i think of suicide the other day i must have a
pretty smart mind... i started to calculate how much the VA has
invested me in dollars and cents. it is a very large number before you
calculate the intangible ..... my relationship with the both of you.
if i would commit suicide or try to ... i could cut everyone along
with me. i do not think i will commit suicide because as dr gipson
told me i am out to prove something.

i am out to prove that a woman like me can make it and talk to others
from the prospective of a real story not one that is politically
motivated.  i started out thinking i want to prove i can work the
stripper pole by night and executive by day. lol.  the chances of the
stripper pole are almost non existent.

then i thought today how will i act in a functional relationship when
i have never had one?  i some times jump when others touch me .. this
is women.  the major factor is the world as i knew it is gone forever
so my first kiss with a woman.... cuddling ... i am thinking my
hormones might surge and i might , don't laugh, have panic attack when
i kiss a woman for the first time. i did not sign up for the intensive
estrogen. i signed up for the breast, gf and job....... however i seem
to be able to make rational decisions whereas before estrogen i did
not care about the mannerisms of my friends i do now.

i am sitting her thinking of my first kiss , my first ..... i would be
happy when i don't have to say i have not had surgery yet to a
potential gf.  then there is the potential i will lower my standards
to just have sex with a woman. people wonder why i am crazy at
times... all of this is overwhelming. sadly i hear so many in the
groups talk of some of the same experiences as myself and yet still no
one speaks up in the groups.

i noticed today that if my arms feel heavy that means i am not sitting
up straight and it is going to kill my back later. all of this did not
matter 3 yrs ago but it does now but am i ready to face my biggest
demon? surgery???? and the after care involved with surgery?  I told
peter i will have my fund raising site up by jun 15 so that means i
have to come to terms with a lot in the next 2 or so weeks.  one is i
will make a video for the site and then pray.... and pray.....