I have never failed anything in my life, i will never quit

I would rather die on the operating table in thailand then back away from surgery. I am betting on God, my friends and my will to live and my pure history of never failing anything that I did not want to achieve.  i am betting my life on me and my friends. 

Hi

I think the reason I am having so much trouble has nothing to do with estrogen but I have no foundation as a girl or woman.  My life has not been about womanhood but about my independence. To my I define independence as being living as who I want, where I want, and surrounded with good people.

I realized this last week that my fight was not about womanhood as much as my true independence.  I could have started hormones in Altoona, pa but the results would not be close to the success I have had in Portland. It has been the combination of the estrogen, the VA and the Portland community. It has taken all three for me to begin to heal.  Because being part of a community where you are valued as a individual who has a voice is far more important then the drug. Estrogen has so little to do with how far I have come in the last 3 yrs.

I realized today I am a strong woman who has never taken the easy way out in any aspect of my life when I had a choice.  I could have chosen to stay in the marines for 20 yrs or after my first two tours but I opted to take the risk and go to Penn State. The fact is what I thought were risk were very calculated risk which were outweighed by the benefits. From me joining the marines, Penn State, Sales career, raising my daughter and deciding to break away from my ex girlfriend and opt for the grant per diem. Nothing was an accident in my life, nothing.

I was thinking of how my life on hormones was so different because I took the road less likely taken by others and I was able to navigate what seemed like an impossible route. But in reality it was the next logical step in my life which because when I joined the marines in 1976 then followed by requesting the orders of another marine to Hawaii which meant I had to extend one year of service in the marines. This enabled me to travel beyond California where I was stationed to 7 countries before I was 21 yrs old. This one move seemed to be risky but thinking back what if I had settled for the 3 yrs in California I would never made it outside the united states. Thus I would have never been able to see Australia, Singapore, Hong Kong, South Korea and the Philippines etc. 

Then in 2011 came another calculated risk when I was on hormones I asked the VA what standards of hormones are being applied to me. my real goal based on what I perceived as a wall of silence between the trans community and the doctors was to speak to the doctors and providers to bridge this gap. This willingness to speak and go against so many in the community who do not trust the medical providers because , more then likely, the fear of the doctors pulling estrogen from the patient. I leveraged myself with an outside provider fearing something that was not true. ( as ziglar would say fear is false evidence appearing real; or as a psychologist told me once your perception is your reality and I was wrong ) But by stepping outside the box and asking to speak put me in a position where I did not believe in my heart would happen but I turned to my sales training to sell myself and experiences to the VA for simply the opportunity to speak. What I earned what the respect of so many and the experience of a lifetime which tested my heart and will to do what I said in a traumatic moment in my life.

When I asked and I was offered the chance to speak at the regional VA conference in December 2011 I had no idea my mother would die days before the speech. Upon learning my mother had died I thought in the moment no one would fault me for not speaking giving the gravity of the pain in my personal life. But in the moment I thought that an opportunity like this would not happen again for a very long time. So in a crisis I decided to move forward as difficult as it was but I knew shortly I would go into shock. My awareness of the crisis in the moment is a gift from god. so based on that fact on the day after my mother died I wrote my speech the best I could in the moment. I am glad I did because by the 3^rd day I was in shock of the death of my mother although I knew she was sick I did not know she had so little time to live.

I was taken by the fact that the woman I had contact at the regional office never once asked me do you think you will be ok since your mother just died to give the speech. That simply fact and faith she had in me made a big difference in my life. Not only was a given a chance to speak where few have a chance to speak but the faith in me amazed me at so many levels. This level of confidence in me I believed accelerated my mental healing and the effectiveness of estrogen because I was compelled while just starting hormones to write about my personal life and present it in a public forum in front of so many VA leaders. 

This one event changed who I was as a human being and the faith the leadership of a medical provider had in me had a overwhelming positive impact on my life. What did I think in the moment?  I thought I was doing this for so many others veterans but the fact is although I spoke for other veterans I did it for me. as ziglar would say the goals are not as important as who you become in the process.  This was the biggest sale of my life and I had to sell one thing, myself.

My down to earth approach about me as person is what people related to in so many ways. At one point in the speech I made the comment about if I can raise a teenage daughter by myself I can do this  so I thought? That drew a few laughs because it connected with my audience since most were parents.

At the conclusion of my speech a man who had a leadership position in the Regional VA told me , “ as a gay man I can relate to your experiences.” The impact of this speech and the relationships that have been cultivated over the past nearly 3 yrs has changed me not only a woman but as a human being.

This experience gave me the confidence months later to go to my manager in the call center and propose a solution to increase sales. I closed the sale with “ and if I cannot do it you can fire me in 60 days.” What I previously thought were risks were calculated risk which turned out to alter my life and benefited me as a person.

I have had a big role as Rachel then Don in society and this has altered my experience on hormones and continues to propel me forward at a exponential rate. Because I put myself in a  leadership role in the VA and in corporate America I have benefited greatly but only if a few good women gave me the chance they did in 2012.  It was simply they gave me faith to be me and that is all I wanted all of my life.

I do not think my success with my surgery is assured but it is more likely because of the relationships I have carried forward from my experiences in life.  God bless myself and the people in my life who gave me the chance to believe in myself which is just beginning.