my state of mind and pushing forward now

by jun 15 I will have set up a site for funding my surgery. i am hoping that some monies will be raised via the site.

today:

that is fine ... next wednesday...... i am ok.... the moods are
becoming , as a doctor would say, more pronounced and the highs are
wow and lows are even lower.  i am feeling more feminine by the second
then i remember what is between my legs.  the depression and thoughts
of suicide are more frequent, honestly daily, but the fight to live to
have surgery and a gf is that powerful but i am holding on for my
life.

i must be doing better physically and mentally, in some ways, my blood
pressure was 109/69 today and i have not had numbers that good in a
long time.  i just need to lose the weight and find the heart to
publicly raise the money. i think raising the money makes me feel like
i am a doctor operating on myself.  i am in a crisis and managing my
own crisis.

i have good people around me but each day is a challenge but then i
think at times how did i make it this far because this was not suppose
to happen. i am coming out of my maladaptive dream world and as i do
more and more each day i need surgery. there is only one solution to
my problem that can possibly heal but it could kill me.

then i read how girls have had the surgery are not coping well after
the surgery.  one girl had surgery who had arthritis in her spine and
now she is claiming she has arthritis pain all over her body. as sue
would say that is what she is telling us. i have had some good friends
and mentors and all i know is my experience is as real and it is as
honest as i can make it and the other stories are just that.

I am going to go to the store later and buy cheese, milk etc and cook
baked macaroni for supper. i am going to try to walk around the rose
festival tomorrow . i was thinking i have lived here 3 yrs and finally
i am relaxing and i can enjoy portland. i have been on the run for 55
yrs ... but i can feel as i cry.... i think i am going to make it
...... the problem is my prospective of what i see everyday
changes.... and i can feel it in the moment . this is overwhelming to
my mind.

i see my therapist monday and i have a call into her to verify the
time for my appt monday so i will talk to her later today.  my mental
state will not improve until i have surgery and my goal is make it
through the day alive and take not a step forward but a half step at a
time.  there is no other way to do this from where i sit.  it feels
like a marine walking through a minefield..... but every step seems to
be something new for that day or hour or min or sec.

but as clint eastwood said in kelly's heroes .... we are move out and
pushing forward...... i have to laugh.. that is a gift from god or i
will be dead...... you are so right i could not do this until now
because everyday i see more and more of what i learned over 50 yrs
will be needed just to stay on the road.