rachel friends and suicde is not a solution and why

here is a private email to a dear friend

i actually was one of the girls at penn state with my friend ...... in college. but as rachel i have not found a group i can hang out with yet. it also is the fact i will not compromise my principals to find drinking friends because i remember those days and they were not real friends.

i actually talked in trauma class about how i was friends with the strippers. but i never told you that how they behaved did not jive with my principals. i actually thought of going to a strip club like before but thanx to you and .............. when i thought of suicide to be blunt.... i think of you ,.................., and how my therapist cried when she had to let me go as a client. the va others know and the one i know are so different. you all gave me a chance and i gave you a chance to become friends. 

i saw first hand how the glbt activist think when i was on the train the other day. it makes me sick to my stomach that they are the face of people like me. my people are you, ......... and others

i would , as i cry , not trade one of you as my friend. in my eyes i have the dream team on hormones that no one can possible imagine that is possible. it is possible because we see each other as friends and much more. i am blessed by god to have had you and the others in my life. 

thank you so much for your friendship and belief in me. this is the difference in my life that pulls me from actually suicide. the thought that i would not  leave you and others hear.... " ohh i heard rachel committed suicide ... wasn't she a friend of yours." i cannot and will not allow that to happen to my friends. it would be like i took you all with me and i cannot hurt you like that. that is why i am so different because i understand how i would hurt you and ............ i cannot imagine what ......... would do or think if my friend had to call my old therapist and say  hear i committed suicide. all of you have invested so much in me as a human being and i acknowledge that with this there comes a responsibility to your friends. i swear as god is my witness on my grave it will say the girl who made it because of................... and others. i cannot fail because i will not let you and myself down. the task is so big but i think in my heart one day it will all come together.

thank you from the bottom of my heart