My breast, women, hormones and more on surgery

Hi

I keep forgetting to mention about my breast and a change that I have not read anywhere to date. My breast, before estrogen, did not have the appearance of veins in them. however about one year into the estrogen treatment one day I noticed a vein that was noticeably large and it made me cry because I wondered what had I done to my body. Now my left breast looks like the tributaries of the Mississippi. There are several veins and I can see them reflecting off of the mirror. That is the breast that has 3 non cancerous cysts in them. on that note I all need is some ovaries and some other equipment I am ready for a baby. 

That may be the reason I am attracted to 20’s women? I have seen many younger women in Portland who have babies and I would do almost anything to breast feed a baby with a girlfriend.  To me that is gold.  On that note my neighbor ...... Is she long term dating material ….. let me get back to you on that question lol.

Oh I was thinking of documenting my surgery and I was crying last night because at one time I would like to document a before and after picture of my crotch. Now I do not want any before but after pics would be ok.  Once it is gone I want to never see any pictures anywhere what was not suppose to be there in the first place. 

I was also thinking once the surgery is over I really do not have any long term plans for my life. This is a problem so I need to figure out some long term goals over the next few months other than surgery.  one long term goal is to find a girlfriend and date without pulling up my skirt up on the first date. Sorry but I am way too anxious to know what it feels like as a woman.

If I did not think due to aids and other sexual transmitted diseases are in Thailand I might have a good chance of not coming back as a virgin woman. But given my knowledge of the area I think I will wait or ?  I have to be very careful of my mood before and after surgery. why before? I know I could find a woman in Thailand for very little money for a night before surgery. I acknowledge it is an issue and I want it all or none with a woman so I should be safe on that issue. However on the after surgery I am having thoughts and fantasies of how firm is the 6-8 week wait for sex if it is with a woman? I would go into detail but I think that would cross a friend boundary. 

In my mind the surgery is next month which is 10 months out.  However should the crowd fundraising efforts come through I could move it up but I don’t want to move it up too far because I want to be in better physical shape and lose some weight for a better recovery time and possibly saving my life in a complicated scenario with surgery. 

On surgery I looked at the surgery facebook page and I am more sure every day that some of the girls are getting referral fees to point others to their doctors. Apparently Dr. Saran has visited south Korea and he is going to implement their technique for facial surgery. even now that makes me cringe thinking of my face all bandaged up and god forbid he made a major mistake I would make sure he remembered it in more ways then one. Wow that sounds like my mother.  But facial surgery is pretty far out for me at this point since I cannot put anything of the table at this point. I say at this point because I understand from my experience with hormones nothing should be taken for granted. (srs, facial surgery, suicide ,etc)

I keep thinking of my arthritis flaring up with the pain I have tonight coupled with an anxiety attack after surgery. Wow so many variables to think of and I hope I can find someone to go with me but I am very prepared to go it alone and pray to god it all works out.  I have waited long enough and I will know no more next year about surgery then I know at this time. Unless the earth is swallowed up my a giant star system or the doctor in Thailand disappears I will have surgery next February.

........... Can you tell my hormones are raging? After 6 pm I can laugh hysterically and I know it is because of the hormones. this started right before my hormones leveled out. my therapist asked me if I was ok and I said as long as I don’t have a melt down. It is uncontrollable at times but sort of under control but sometimes  I can laugh and laugh about absolutely nothing.  I stop myself from laughing because I can feel it is too much and i might have a panic attack. Another thing I have noticed is I sneeze a lot sometimes when my hormones are raging. Like right now lol. The sneezing has happened for … probably since month 30 on hormones.

I was thinking of Thailand and how different this time will be compared to my last visit in dare I say 1979.  I have to understand how I react to environments has changed so much that I have no idea of what to expect even on the trip in the airplane.  I have to find a way to afford at least 1^st class because with my arthritis will kill me with coach for 20 hrs in a tight position. I will do coach fare  but it is my preference to go 1^st class. if I could afford 4k for the airfare I would go business class where the seat folds out into a bed.

I would pay a pretty price to hear one true story we all could verify before heading to Thailand but that is doubtful.  I have read of no verifiable story on any continent when it comes to srs. Although I am going to try in the coming months to find out if the doctor can provide me a woman to watch over me after both surgeries.  I really hope to find someone to go with me but I have no idea how to look for someone to go with me that can take 2 mos off for both of the surgeries.  I was thinking of a medical student or ? who knows? I can only imagine what someone would do if I began to bleed out. I am sure I would calm myself down but I am not totally sure of how I would react since I have never had anything close to this surgery. with my gall balder surgery in about 1990 I was a baby when it came to pain so I had my mother wiping off my forehead of sweat because the pain was pretty bad since the doctor used the old method to remove my gall bladder. The  scar from the gall bladder surgery  looks like a war wound and I have had more than one doctor say what is that?

Ohhh my case manager made the mistake of asking me about support from such groups as the veterans for human rights? That lite my fuse since the secretary of the group approached me with the question? Are you from Portland and then proceeded to “educate” me on how things work in Portland. ( glbt unity is non existent)

So as I dance around how mentally to approach surgery? ask my peers? Pass!!!  Then there is the issue of how I will get around when I come home and how to get someone to pick up my food at the store etc.  I think I am not suppose to walk the stairs for one month but that should not be a problem since I will stay in Thailand for 3 weeks after surgery. the problem is how I lug up my 60 lbs of food at times up the stairs if I do that I will surely do some damage.  This surely is more than a Band-Aid like ....says and it is really a platter full with my multiple health issues. But like .... said of my ability to train agents if it was easy anyone could do it.  But I hate to be the first to open the door that talks so openly about a surgery with so much I do not know nor  perhaps a question I have not even thought of at this point.

I think others put if off, even with monies in place, because wow think of it? The doctor in the states or Thailand will slice and dice and you pray it all turns out ok?  The number one complaint I have heard of is the depth of the vagina cavity. My doctor says there is no extra charge for a graft for a deeper vaginal cavity. But even with a graft I have heard girls only have a depth of 5 ½ -6 inch most of the time. this is  almost a non issue for me because of my sexual orientation. To quote myself no penis will go in this vagina. I thought I had said something not so direct to dr... but that was in a typed document by me. opps sorry dr ....  ( I do remember a woman from NY told her depth was only 3 inches and she thought the doctor had promised more but it would mean more money and probably the graft I speak of ) ( note that is why the doctors are so successful marketing the removing part of your colon to add additional depth to the vagina cavity. Wow I cannot imagine the complications from that type of surgery.) sorry the last note I wonder at times if I am not insane because since I know women very well by now… men are less complicated.... some of my latest thoughts on sexual orientation but I am who I am and I am glad I love women.) 

Another thing is my surgeon told me my surgery will take 2-3 hours yet others have said six hours.  I guess all I can go on is what I experience before and after the surgery.  to say I am not terrified would be a lie.  I am very concerned even after everything is ok after surgery. what if something inside leaks. I have to laugh it is not like I can call rotor rooter omg.  If that happens I am sure the
VA will do the necessary test and tell me what they think is best. I would say that sounds good to me. I mean what  would we have to compare it to with no existing complications stated by others. My transparency may save my life but it probably saved my life already with my thoughts of suicide in the past. To think how could I  keep all that bottled up is a scary thought. 

I have leaned on the both of you,........... from women’s crisis and now...... current therapist.  Not to mention I share my story every time I am able  with others. My transparency has helped me process and stay above water so far. Sad I will quote dr. ....but he is right, “ so far so good.” I do not want to under estimate what can go wrong on hormones or surgery.

I cannot imagine how hormones will effect my body after surgery. there is the line of thinking one should lower my estradiol after surgery? yet one power point recommends upping sprio. I hate to be my case manager in a crisis and my doctor rx my meds.  The fact is in large part I am self diagnosing because there is not much data to go on and the idea that one should use how you feel to be the sole determining factor on how much estradiol or spiro goes into my body is insane in my opinion. This is simply not rational and ….. I don’t know what to say

I remember.... asking me if I wanted to be part of an experiment at one point long ago? The fact is I was one and am one because of all of the unknowns.  I had no idea how complicated this whole process would be from the beginning and may be that is why I had so many listening to what I say is they knew there are so many unknowns about this disorder and estradiol etc.  to think a grad student looked at me for two sessions and wrote me a letter of recommendation for hormones which outside in eventually approved hormones for me is insane.  It is harder in other parts of the country but it is too easy in Portland. The prospective in Portland  is it is our god given right to do whatever with our bodies.  There are not enough measures in place in some places of Portland to protect the patients from possible abuse. This is my prospective from my personal experience on hormones. also a natural path doctor  RX my estradiol and portrayed herself as an expert on hormones who is listed on TPI referral sheet where my name appears as resource.  (TPI is a non profit and contractor the va uses for veteran services in Portland)

I am going to come up with a list of what I need to do before Thailand and date to complete each.  First I need to make sure I set up at least one crowd fundraiser on line.  I would try to fund raise in Portland but it is political and that I am not a part of so I doubt that is an option. I will talk to my case manager at Portland women’s crisis center if she has any ideas of how I could fund raise in Portland of if her organization could sponsor me in some way for fund raising efforts. I will reach out to the people I have met in Portland and see if their organization can help me. I am well liked just not in the some of the GLBT community lol. 

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I really think my approach and the whole idea of this is a group project takes a huge amount of pressure off of me. I think it is transference of feeling like making a sale. basically what I am doing is selling me and the story.   It is inconceivable for me to keep quiet after surgery as I thought of after surgery and someone coming up to me and saying “ so you were a man… with a penis….” My response might be, with my hands on my hips, and…” where did I get that attitude ? My mother.  My mother would say and Donald? Then I would try to explain why I did not want to do it and she would say and.  Well you know me I would not do it until I had no other options but under protest. I have been like this all of my life but only with women in the past. Now both women and men see the real me.