rachel thoughts and research on surgery ... real unknowns

Hi,

I have been doing a lot of processing and the both of you have helped me get this far with….and other members of the Portland va. but primaril……….. have brought me to this point through the grace of god.

I am sitting going through scenarios of surgery and all I have learned about the surgery. The fact is I am not starting over after 2 yrs of therapy but I have amassed enough information to understand as much as any other person what sexual reassignment risks are involved and the possibility I could die from the surgery or mentally crack. Despite all of the risks the benefits out weigh the risk at this point in the process.

I am positioning myself for surgery next year with crowd funding , personal monies and whatever else I can gather up financially. If I can get the ……… that would put me in a position where , if needed, I could take a few months off from work after surgery. The idea of what I hear that women are going back to work within three week or so of surgery I believe this is not rational nor logical. I think many doctors and patients are looking at it from the physical recovery but I am more concerned about the emotional trauma of surgery, learning about your new body, and the psychological recovery time. there is no data what so ever on the time to emotionally recover nor anything in the mental realm of the surgery. There is zero talk of the emotional trauma of the surgery and everything seems to focus on the body’s ability to recover from the physical aspect only.

I am pretty sure that my body can with stand the surgery because of the many trauma’s I have had in my life but psychologically I will be challenged like never  before in my life. One woman told me when she looks between her legs and feels it is like a “phantom  penis.” I thought that would be the case since the loss of hair and the change of my facial structure earlier in the hormone treatment was a shock to my mind so much so I cried often for a while until I began to accept and like the new me. it has always been my perception that there is an image of your face and body etched in your brain over the last few decades and if that is changed abruptly it is a shock to the mind. This time around it is not missing hair or change in my face structure but the inverting the penis into a vagina which you must dilate three times a day for the first 1-2 months.

If you add all of this to the trauma of the surgery which takes 6 months to initial heal and from one blog 2 yrs  for all the nerve endings to reconnect to the surgery it is an extremely radical surgery. Arguable the most racial surgery done to a human being’s body.  The only reliable study on complications I have read is from brazil which states 40 percent have complications but this drops with the experience of the surgeon.  However at best you are talking about 1 out of 3 or 1 out 2 have minor to major complications.  The complications after surgery range from an additional skin graft needed, inflection, vaginal wall collapse, surgeon nicked bladder in surgery so the risk of inflection is greater, and in my case the risk of flaring up my rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia. The later is a concern to me based on risk events in my medical history, fibromyalgia, because once it flares up it in turn flares up my rheumatoid arthritis which increases my joint pain and if not addressed quickly could quickly mover from joint pain to sleep deprivation. 

I talked to my …..doctor , who seems very sharp and know me lol, and she told me that based on studies I will need to come off of my enbrel injections one week before surgery and resume them one week after surgery due to increased infection. She stressed to me that there is large study done that backs up the action of stopping and restarting enbrel for surgeries. So it is my plan to follow her advice unless directed to by dr …….. but I am sure he and I will talk in depth about this issue before surgery.

Now given the fact that I nearly had a panic attack this weekend because of an eye issue which seems to be an infection more than likely brought on by my mascara being over 3 months old I will need someone to come with me to surgery. I cannot see a way around that part of my surgery plan. If I am pressed I will go by myself but I am not comfortable. This issue of a companion is one reason , the only one, that I will wait if she cannot go until a few months later.

How who will to the surgery? That is literally a toss up because of no data is collected on any doctor anywhere in the world where it is published from a reliable source. This information simply does not exist so I will base my decision on the amount of money I have saved by next year. ( my goal of now is February 2015)  The doctor that charges 1625.00 for srs and 625.00 for ab tuck seems my first choice overseas. I need to first find out if university California SF is scheduling surgeries or that is a dead end?  If that is a possible solution I will gather the information and go from there? But stepping back do I want an experienced surgeon from Thailand to do my surgery or? I am crying because I hate navigating this nightmare in the middle of a crisis because it is very hard to look at a situation like this while you are so emotional and will do anything for surgery to possibly ending the emotional pain of , being direct, needing a vagina. 

I am so scared and cry so much because of the unknown factors. There is literally no one to talk to about the surgery.  In my opinion the forums on Facebook have no creditability and the information seems to be out right distortions of the truth , at times, to direct you to the doctor that supposedly performed their surgery while down playing the surgeons. Or in the case of the cheaper doctor I am considering the information on facebook says he is a bad doctor who is taken to court and Thailand tries to revoke his license to practice medicine. The fact is according to a BBC article this doctor is in court as a expert witness in srs cases and he personally has completed 50,000 surgeries. How much is true? But with my research he is the only doctor that does not charge a deposit on surgery and charges the same price for locals and foreigners. To put this in prospective he charges 65,000 baht ( Thailand dollars) compared this counter parts who charge any where from 250,000 baht to 500,000 baht ( 20k). so the pricing is from 2- 20k us dollars. 

According to multiple sources your stay in the hospital is 1-3 days. Usually 3 days possibly longer if there are complications. You spend this time packed in ice then after that period of time you are urged to begin to walk to prevent blood clotting I would assume.  After the 3 days, does not matter in united states or Thailand, you will have to leave the hospital and go to a hotel room to recuperate after surgery. About the 6-7 day the stitches are removed and they recommend you stay for 21 days total time which includes the surgery but the doctors are comfortable with a total of 14 days but recommend 21. From further research the 14 -21 days mostly is because the possibility of blood clotting while traveling by air and there seems to be evidence this is a risk of such an event. So any anticipated cost of surgery must include the expenses of food and lodging for 21 days. For me this would include my companion too.

So provided you make it through surgery without any complications and you heal with out any complications I am very concerned about the psychological recovery time and your state of mind after the surgery and how one recovers from such a surgery? This is the area of concern and that will challenge me and the people around me. I am also concerned about what type of physical therapy would be best after surgery to ensure I don’t overdo too much physical exercise. I am concerned because of my personal habits of pushing my body hard during workouts and to me that is a major concern because if I overdo my exercise too early I could do serious damage to me internally.  So what physical therapy exercise will I do and when is a good time to start running and lift weights again. I will be direct there is nothing available on either issue. I have heard the doctors do not want you to climb stairs for one month. This is a concern for me because in Portland I walk to the train, bus etc and carry a heavy purse at times and go to the grocery store and cart heavy bags. It is very possible I will need to plan for someone to help me shop and get around once I return from Thailand or California. If I go to Thailand and opt for the ab tuck and srs the recover time could be quite lengthy. Wow could there be any more variables in this surgery and challenges?

I am sure I will find a way to tap the resources I need but I will need to have it all in place before I return from surgery.  This is a marine thing I will plan for the worse case scenario so I have all the bases covered so when another hurdle appears we/I  will be able to adjust to the one hurdle at a time. 

The money is important but almost a non issue if you look at the bigger picture because the support and follow up care is the real expense in this group venture. I look at this as a group project because it will take dozens of people to pull this project off. Other’s may opt to do this in secret but the success of that method of approach would be limited. I seem to look back at what I said at …. when I said, “ there are 9 ways this can go wrong.”  I need good and your help because there is no way one person can pull everything together to make this happen.

My view on video taping the experience has changed to a small group or my companion and I making a skype or home made video. This way I am well protected and insulated from others using it to harm me mentally.  I am not sure I could handle an open film that was used in a twisted way to portray something about me that was not true for a company to make money. So I look at this like the speeches in that keeping this mostly within the walls of the va where people can limit the possibility of abuse by others yet help the people who helped me in my darkest hours.

I think of surgery almost every day and I am to point if I die that is ok? Not really but I have no choice at this point to go forward and pursue surgery as hard as I would any other project I have under taken in my life. As always I can tell you I am so terrified and scared that it overloads my mind when I think of srs. I mean someone will slice up one side of my penis and invert it into a vagain. I think it is rational to be scared because of the lack of info and just how radical this surgery is to the human body and mind. I cry , cry and cry and cry some more and yes it is every day. I am having a hard time using my current coping skills to hold it all together. The longer I am on estrogen the more I need surgery but what makes it even more intense is the workouts are intensifying the need for the surgery since it amplifies and increases the estrogen levels in my body. This in turn makes my breast ache more than just the estrogen and at times my head feels like my head is spinning and I become very light headed. This is something I am use to by now but it is getting progressively worse. The whole issue is can I hold on to this increase in effectiveness of estrogen until I have surgery. The answer is I don’t knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww?????   

    

 

how i rebounded from the hell over the few days and my private thoughts to friends

 i talked, my ra doctor, and dr ............with fibromagia it is
very difficult to treat and there are few meds that really are
effective in the treatment of this disease. the one that is effective
is the one that shut my hormones off. so the best choice of action ,
sounds like a legal doc sorry, is for me to see physical therapy and
the tens unit really has been a good pain reliever in this case.

i dare to say I have been blessed by caring women but in the
moment i want to push everyone away.  i have perfected this skill yrs
ago because of my own pain but i cannot shake ......  i really
cannot understand the rationale for the pain and suffering for 50 yrs
when i was a good woman most of my life and took the hard road many
times.  where is the logic?

it is possible that i fear a relationship with a woman would be too
painful to endure because once we became intimate .. i am not a real
woman yet.... i just don't know if i ever will have the ability to
have the surgery completed. i know there are self destructive
behaviors in play , which i have put in place subconsciously, that are
being put up by me to stop the surgery. yet it could heal me in so
many ways.

my god my breast are hurting and that is because by giving me this
space to write it releases enough of the pain that .... accept me as rachel not a man in dress.
 i just wonder how many i meet
in person do they  think i am rachel or man in a dress. i could
respect their opinion to a point and talk to them but i wonder if they
are lying to my face. answer is i don't know .

i reread the complaint i filed with ........ about this time last
yr as i looked over my files in my computer today. my ability to focus
on the issues and cut with my pen amazes me. i was able to access the
failings of the organization in the moment because it added
credibility to my claim. but today i do not have the desire or will to
fight any longer. i think i have learned that the bickering that was
practiced in my family and fighting has no value in the family or our
lives. the result is no one wins.

 i thought about this a while back and do you remember war games the
movie? and at the end would you not prefer a game of ?  the computer
had learned that the acceptable loses are not so acceptable. since i
was a political science major at penn state i relate to this movie
very well because we talked about acceptable losses in respect to
hospitals , people in the event of nuclear strike by the soviet union.
our professor was in the think tank of president ....brain shut down
the president that replaced nixon? this professor and his colleagues
sat around all day calculating the loses based on different soviet
strikes and how we could respond with nato. the fact is we were wrong
about so much and one such thing is the accuracy of the soviet
missiles paralleled the united states. thus the calculation of
acceptable losses were wrong and .... where i am going with this.....
there are no winners in a war or fights.

where i will end up in my journey i have no idea but know that..... have made a difference in my life that has been very positive.




thank you

the lows of estrogen and one really horrible bad day ... where my mind was

Hi,

I would say today was about the most horrible day in my life. But thanks to god I now realize my life is/was about a worthless as they come in the history of mankind.  Why? I met this woman who I worked with at  ....and she is a woman like me but 30’s years younger. She is in the process of getting her name changed and she simply identifies as a woman not trans just a woman. A few months ago she identified as a transvestite but once she lived as a woman away from her family it is apparent that she began to realize she is a woman. 

She is young and pretty and living the life I should have but god stole it for me.  I served my country for six faithful years with men that belittled women on daily basis and put up with as much bs as other women. Then after that I went to college and I still had to hide my identify for fear of people hurting or killing me.  That was followed by dressing in male attire for my sales career and still Rachel said nothing thinking that all would work out some how. Then I sacrificed 18 years of my life to help my daughter grow up in a safe environment. ..................And after all of this where am I?

I don’t own a car, house but oh yes I have an apartment paid for by the va and probably because I am so persistent there apparently is a way to get section 8 housing paid by the state of Oregon.  I cannot work due to the arthritis which was thanks to ...........I have to live on the charity of the federal and state government plus the va and other non profits in Portland.

So with my college education and experience due to multiple trauma’s , or whatever we want to label them, I cannot work and own nothing and I have accomplished nothing in my life. Plus thank you god  for the 30 yrs of living in hell where I had to dress as a man because others might kill me.  You put me through hell because you had the power to do so.  I can NEVER GET BACK THE 30 DAMN YEARS.  What do I have to live for ? there is no reason you cannot just take me away. If I get surgery why?  NO ONE CAN EXTEND MY LIFE 30 YRS BECAUSE  THEY ARE GONE FOREVER. GOD STOLE MY LIFE BUT MAYBE THE IS BECAUSE THERE IS NO DAMN GOD.  BECAUSE WHAT KINDA GOD WOULD TORTURE A HUMAN BEING THAT IS SO SMART YET SO EMOTIONALLY ILL THAT SHE CANNOT TAKE CARE OF HERSELF? 

There is no reason to have surgery because no one can replace the last thirty years of experience as a woman. They are gone forever and what happens to me from this point on does not matter. I have amounted to nothing just like my...... told me. 

Yet the god we think exist continues to torture me by the day. I get so confused at the smallest task. For example when I am cooking and I pick up the knife with my right hand and my brain says wrong hand stupid. So I have to use my left hand and this causes me so much stress that it overloads my brain and I end up on the floor crying. I wonder how hard god is laughing at the freak he created ?

God seems to have  tortured me all of my life.  Then when I thought I had it almost all together last year at the same time the company contract was lost I was dumped into my apartment.  additionally none of my family will talk to me.............

So to recap this nightmare I have no job , no car , no family, no friends who visit me in my apartment unless you count the two case manager that come to my apartment. thus in my life I have accomplished nothing. I do not have money to even buy a pair of pantyhose. 

I would like to take my anger which is about as high as it has ever been in my life but I am wired to love people. I was so furious today that I took a knife in my hand and I was about to drive it hard as I could into the wall over and over but I realized nothing can bring back the 30 yrs that were stolen by god. There is not enough dishes to break in any house to reduce the anger in me.  I am not anger now but I am …… there is no hope and I don’t even care if I ever have surgery because there is no reason. First I cannot get back the 30 yrs and I have no girlfriend , no family and no friends so I have no life. Surgery would serve no propose but maybe as a pure science experiment. I wish god or satan would just take me. I dared god to just take me and so far he has not taken me on my offer. I hope he does soon because I will accomplish nothing more than a mere existence in the future.

But I could take my anger out on people like .......who uses her gender to make money. There is that much angers me. i could make it my life mission to take down organizations like hers’ and expose the lies they promote to the public. Now that would release my anger. I know I am capable of inflecting real damage and why not take it out on the people that have hurt me because there is no god.

On the other hand maybe I am just an mentally ill veteran who cannot take care of herself.  I am so ill that I have to call my friends to help me with the smallest task because of my illness. So maybe I am just a male who thinks she is a female and the doctors and others are right I am man in dress and  is a real freak. 

I guess all just does not matter. Society and god has taken away my most basic part of self , my gender. There is no one in this universe that can replace the last 30 yrs of experiences as a woman. They are gone forever.   It would not matter if I won the lottery and had millions of dollars because no one can replace the time that was stolen from me.  yet I have no anger towards the woman who is living her life as she wants in Portland.  I will never experience ………I am crying……….maybe  I am dead but I am too stupid to realize it. 

The whole thing with me is although I am very anger I cannot kill myself nor hurt others. So god , if he exist, ………..why would you do this to me? I feel like god is laughing at me and enjoying ever second and ever tear of what I could have been 30 yrs ago.  I hope he has a good laugh because the pain he has inflicted is beyond anything most people can begin to understand.

 

What can society and god take from me at this point? Really? There is nothing more anyone can take. If someone killed  me it would serve only the purpose of doing society a favor because I am just draining on society at this point.  30 YRS  ………………………………………..I FOUGHT FOR NOTHING.  I WON NOTHING AND THERE IS NOT A THING THAT CAN TURN TIME BACK. I have a family THAT HAS DISOWNED ME AND THIS IS MY REWARD FOR PRETENDING FOR SO MANY YEARS. 

So if I prostitute myself it would not matter. I was a fool to think I could make a difference in society.  There are good people here but there is no reason a god would create a freak like me that is so smart , driven and one that could have helped others if only I lived as a woman. 30 yrs………….

No worries … I don’t plan to hurt anyone nor myself.  But the realization that my life amounted to zero was not a good thing today.  But a lesson mankind taught me and in the moment as depressed as I was I did not join in with a woman who was most definitely a white supremacist. Although others discriminate against entire subcultures I cannot nor will ever do that to a human being.  I do not blame others that have helped me in my journey but so many either barely tolerate my existence or want nothing to do with me. but god could have helped me 30 yrs ago but he chose to let me suffer and suffer…. now today there is no way to replace the 30 yrs that could have been so fulfilled as a woman. But as I have said before maybe I am a guy in a dress?

There is nothing ......... of you can do and I know that.  I just think that it is criminal for society and god to torture a woman like me who has been good most of her life and literally taken  ................ There is no rational reason that this should have happened. My life was stolen from me at birth. 

My father said in a letter… if anything went wrong…. God everything went wrong and you did not lift a finger to help me until I was 54 and disabled. What kinda god are you that enjoys hurting nice people?  I am in prison and there will be no parole for Rachel.  I understand this now so surgery is a non issue. 

I was wrong about so much concerning my life, society and god.  I would walk out of my apartment now and leave all of my belonging but since I have arthritis I  cannot live on the streets.  At least on the streets I have control of something. My father did this at my age and I thought he was crazy but he is right we are all rats in a cage.  Otherwise Donald would have been born Rachel but that did not happen nor was god’s error corrected in the last 50 yrs .

This is how I feel now and I will now go through the motions like I did before I came to Portland.  My impact in this world has been about as close to zero as you can get.  I just wish god would come collect me now.  God ????????????????????

Thank you

rachel 

rachel the lesbian? and more on surgery( and yet another email to a friend or two)

Why I hate other women ? lol

I don’t hate other women because they have a vagina but I do hate them because they look better than me.  How dare her breast be bigger than mine?  How dare her body be hotter than me?

To tell the true story when I was down to 178lbs and dressed in this short black skirt hanging in my living room I was the hottest in the club.  This is why the men hit on me not to mention it barely covered my butt. My goal was to turn eyes just not the men.  I was trying to attract the women but I was in the wrong place.(hamburger mary’s)

Why?  There are lesbian get together’s I know about called the inferno in Portland via my facebook group. The reason I don’t go is because what if I saw a very attractive woman and she asked, “ have you had your surgery?” I would have to say, “no.” I could not handle the face to face rejection. I experienced how I could not handle the online rejection because of not having surgery from women. I cried and cried when I was rejected on line because of not having surgery to the point I left the social groups on line.

Even best case scenario I would meet  a girl that loves me for me? We become intimate and we both cry because she cannot please me. This is so hard on me I would not want to inject this pain into anyone’s life.  This is why I never actively sought a mate when I was more slender 2 yrs ago. I knew in the back of my mind I could not handle the rejection. 

I know it is possible she might like me as me and want to be intimate with me the way I am but I cannot. It is very common in the subculture that no one touches penis.  I cannot pretend it is not there and It  needs to be  gone now.  I just want to be a with woman as woman once before I die.  I never thought I would want this surgery so bad. 

Now I am back to thinking of prostitution as the military would say by any means necessary. If I get’s to May 2014 it could be by any means necessary.  I will have to matters in to my own hands but I know also if I prostitute myself I could go to jail and end up in a men’s prison and possibly be raped and killed. What a life?  I am between a rock and hard spot with no where to run.  ( mora you suck my life is fantastic, I am fantastic and my family is fantastic; how can she live with herself ?) 

I wish I had ..... as my therapist( looking for new therapist since one of nearly two yrs moved to another position in the va) I need to vent…. I don’t mean the things I am thinking but wow it is intense over here.  The truth is my hormones rage from the time I get up until the time I go to bed.  There is no let up but there is are up’s and down’s of the moods and it hits hard almost all day long. Just sometimes harder then others but just when you are about to gain your balance there she is again twisting and turning your mind harder than the day before. 

................... hormones because you have coping mechanisms the average person has not thought of nor heard of in their world.  The maladaptive dreams I have counter act some of the hardest times on hormones without them I have no idea how the hell I would cope with the twist and turns she throws at me. I have had to keep the maladaptive dreams with me so I live to fight another day.  That might sound crazy but there is there isn’t anyway I can mentally heal much more without surgery.  To let go of the maladaptive dreams would put me in the mental wing of the VA. I have no doubt about it. 

It was my dream just before or after I started hormones to be able to dance on a stripper pole and be a manager of a company. I think a woman should be able to be who she wants to be without prejudice of any kind.  Just because she loves to flaunt her body or wear a short dress that does not make her a slut.  I have heard far too many men and women say she is a slut because of the way she dresses etc. I saw this occur at the .......... This woman was very attractive and dressed in what others might think was sexually provocative attire. I thought maybe she was but once I talked to her I realized she was a nice woman that enjoyed having a nice body. There was no attitude in our conversations.  So I know what others probably thought of me walking around Portland in my very short black skirt and I could care less.

I never had the chance to be a teenager nor at penn state and just let it all go like 20’s some year old do. I feel I have been cheated out of so much of my life because of society.  I do not think it is much to ask for me to be me at 54.  the reason I am so open is I have nothing to lose. Society took everything from me and I had to crawl out of a homeless shelter to the VA transitional homeless housing with my claws.( my education and experience made this possible )  I just want to be me and I will have to risk the possibility of death to be me. I have no idea what the survival rate is because of the secrecy of the damn community. It is like walking into the abyss and not knowing if you will walk out or die. This is exactly how I see the surgery.  Ok next lab rat…  … should get this one right….. is that the real game??????

...................

Everyone in my life is in this pretty deep too. I am the one putting my life on the line but many friends  have an emotional interest and love me. I know all of this but I cannot live with a penis much longer. I am a patient with cancer that needs treatment. I will settle for what I can get and worry about fixing it later.

If this was my daughter what would I do? I am glad she is happy with who she is and will  hopefully never go through this hell. I would not wish this on anyone. Only satan would wish this on someone.

Thank you

rachel

30 months of hormones and I am still alive and never attempted suicide

hi

I have surpassed 30 months of hormone treatment and have overted the single biggest issue in the community suicide and attempted suicide. how? the support group around me and the strong women and god looking over me nearly 24/7.  it is a miracle of god that I am alive and in such a good mental state of mind.

There was a struggle between the male and female in december of 2013 and finally the woman inside was strong enough to push out the fake personality that was used to protect me physically for decades. I think a critical part of the puzzle is I was willing to die for what I believed in and that was there was a woman in hiding for decades. when one is crying on the living floor morning after morning , which still happens, it test your very soul and will to live. i was tested and tested like never in my life. The marines, my education, experiences and raising my daughter combined did not compare to how much was tested during the first 30 months.

the day of calm was february 26, 2014 when  the anxiety had been so bad my vision was impared at night to the point i had a hard time seeing . thus i had to go to bed and sleep because of the lack of vision.  Where is this on line or talked about in the subculture. all this secrecy nearly cost me my life and other lives.

that day everything was so calm where I was not mad, upset , nor any  anxiety . it was surreal and lasted only one day before my hormones started to kick back in my body. i am not sure if a dose of muscle relaxants brought this state of mind on to me or not.  I am researching that issue now for the purpose of knowledge. but know that that day of calm was needed for my body to adjust to the hormones and a very critical part of the process.

a gyno who rx me the relaxant for arthritis due to back pain told me that when there is estrogen dominance she recommends a cleanse of estrogen to women. A cleanse is where you would not take estrogen for one day and go back on the regular dose the next day. she stated that this will typically relieve that condition of estrogen dominance which was not present in my body. she said under estrogen dominance one sysmpton is the breast are painful to the touch. mine hurt because of growth which seems to be ongoing even past 30 months. I have seen documentation that the breast growth can be expected to be ongoing between 2-5 yrs. wow i wonder what plan i am on or will it go for ten years. so many unknowns on estrogen.

my anxiety is back since the estrogen kicked back in at night but so far no blurry vision or light headedness to the point i feel like i am going to pass out. that is really how it is on estrogen for me. Can you survive the memories of the past, mood swings, the light headedness, anxiety attacks etc and pre dialing 911 / emergency number because you think you might have a panic attack. the last time i pre dialed 911 was last night. this is not fun stuff but it is who i am and i will not turn back . i am determined to see it through and if it kills me so be it . what I mean by kill me is the drug or the surgery not suicide. i am out to prove everyone wrong and a woman like me can be successfull on estrogen and live to tell the real story to help herself and others.

like i said last night i am a marine and this marine is on a mission. nothing is more important that the mission and suicide is failure and I will not fail my friends , myself not god. my friends are women of god and the guardian angels who were brought into my life to help me and other's heal.

I will set up a fund raising site for my surgery with the goal of surgery by jan 2015 this week which either be video taped for television or utube. thus the goal of helping others helps me cope with the intense
internal pain.

take care and thank you

rachel

rachel email to friends ....... I will never hide again .... excuse me no way in hell

 the first part of the email is deleted for the privacy of my friends and myself.

.....................................

do i hate that i was born with a penis.... omfg yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssss..... i just wish i was born a woman.  but i cannot and will not hide nor blame others for this major flaw in my dna.  i am tired of the pain but i will neverrrrrrrrrrrrr hide again. i rather get raped and killed then hide again.i am tired of the liessssssss that is my secret.

 i am determined to end the lies of an entire subculture and if they kill me for it so be it. this is really how i feel . i cannot tell many  but this is really how I   feel and this is my secret. when i eluded to joan of arc in my blog a long time ago i was and am serious. .......  i know i carry a lot of pain around but at least i have feeling now. when the hormones leveled off i got a taste of what i used to feel.........nothingggggggggggg. 

i had no emotions until the hormones kicked back in and there is , excuse me, no way in hell i am coming off of hormones for surgery. according to the gyno doctor coming off hormones for surgery is old school. in all likelihood coming off of hormones is a major reason woman that have srs are depressed after the surgery. it all makes sense to me now . 

i am meeting .......... so she can show me how to crowd fund and gather info on the surgery done at ucsf surgery.  i will be the lab rat for them. my ....... seems to think if i go to a dr like dr bowers i am not a lab rat. i am lab rat no matter who i go to because the fact is there is no one reliable study on the satisfaction on srs surgery. ......mouth dropped when i told her i want to do a video before, during and after surgery.  i cannot fail on this goal but during my day of calm i realized i had fallen into the trap so many other do and that my life is consumed by srs. 

i am not sure i can do it but i am going to come up with a plan after surgery. the problem is the energy that it takes to hold the line on hormones, map out surgery compounded with the stress of normal life is overwhelming and one cannot plan anything beyond that moment in time.  like i told ........ the support group is far more important that the estrogen.  i hope i can do all i want to with the surgery and brining it to the forefront in society.  

the one thing that would kill me ?  if i have surgery and go stealth like so many. that would kill me knowing that because i did not speak out others committed suicide . this is something i cannot live with nor will do .  

honestly i will say it over and over but all i wanted was hormones some breast , live as woman and find a gf . what i got was a rewired brain and totally different person and .....said i like who you are rachel.  the hiding and shame is what kills along with the stealth mode.  to me it is this basic . a air force veteran asked me if a guy from my old unit in the marines asked for my help, inferring combat,  would i go if i could go as rachel? i told her that is not a question I will go because they are my fellow marines . it is a sense of duty and honor. this duty and honor , the marine in me , came forth when i took my first estrogen pill. i feel this same duty to speak on my journey on hormones. thus my journey is different than others and thus the hormones are more effective then so  in turn better coping skills are needed on my journey.  this i did not ask for nor want but this is who i am ... rachel. i have hid for too many years and so many others have hide and continue to hide.  i will not hide again ............never.

if i have my way i will speak in the high school i graduated from in 1977. i am not running  from but to the fire. as a guy said in the documentary about marines, marines intuitively run to the fire. i am running to my past to heal myself and help others. this is all a marine knows and all i know.  may i die because of my beliefs and the estrogen ? both are possible but i will not die of an emotional death on disability in an apartment. like a marine i would rather die fighting the fight then .......i would say what the marines say but it is not very lady like.........win or lose the fight .... i win my freedom... this is what my journey is about my freedom and my friends.

wow this email went in a different direction than i started with at the beginning. i was just going to ask how................... as doing? you know rachel lol

thank you 

rachel

rachel says is stripping prostitution ......maybe lol

Hi

The last week I have been thinking of what if I danced and I am not talking about ballet.  There was a time when I lived with my mother that I actually virtually lived at a strip club and I knew a few of the girls quite well and the in and outs of the business. One I knew well and we went to lunch one day and she told me she did it for the money but would prefer to do something else but the money was too good. 

I was supposedly the black sheep of the family ……. who was a drug dealer for a while and he told me his best client’s were the strippers. I think what draws me to the subculture is the women seem so feel and nothing is off limits.  I know when I watched them dance I wish I was on stage dancing but know this lifestyle comes with severe consequences.  I know the window to dancing is an audition which leads to more dancing and money and more money. Is this prostitution? Would god give me a pass for the first dance? Of course not!!!

I cannot even keep a straight face and say this is flat out prostitutions because I would be using my body to illicit money from customers.( but if the customers were women that would not be prostitution ? right ? lol) I know last year when I was more slender I wore a short black dress to the hamburger mary’s and there is reason I was hit on a lot.  That dress barely covers my butt cheek’s and with my black boots I am sure I looked good at 178lbs.  I did not audition because of many reasons but one was my left knee is bad. Well that is what I told myself in the moment. 

Am I serious about dancing? More serious than you think because I would do almost anything for surgery at this point in my life.  I think I have made my way through my childhood and now emotionally I am in my mid 20’s and the hormones are pushing like never before. 

Watching what I do and what my experiences are at this point are perhaps more dangerous because of the potential for real disaster due to seeking a sexual partner when  my soul is seeking a soul mate.  The acceptance of the right woman vs any woman as a woman is driving me to my limits and beyond.  Can I make the right decision and not  , excuse me , end up in bed with the wrong woman ?  I don’t think sexual orientation at this level matters while on hormones because we the new woman are seeking acceptance from people at all levels.  Making the right decisions can make or break you mentally from my point of view.

How bad is the drive to with a woman?  last week I have tried to think of new memories to the songs that lead me to not think of maladaptive dreams of the past and my thoughts have gone to stripping and very detailed sexual desires with a woman. This is a new one that came and went in the past but seems here to stay.

  I flirted with a female two Halloweens’ on the train and it was so nature to me. Trust me only in Portland would we not draw attention.  I was literally throwing myself at her in public and no practice was necessary lol.  It gave me such an emotional high and that was over 2 yrs ago.  I had only been on hormones 2 months at that time.

I know I am going on and on and I think this is my way of processing of what to do but this issue is really pressing me to my limits.  I usual know how to get what I want but this one scares me because if I go on a mission to find a woman and she is the wrong one I could end up in white city no questions asked.  I know in my heart I am a woman that wants to learn the violin because music heals my soul and has really helped me in the past.  I want both and as a 20’s year old emotional woman I want both and now. 

I have that black short skirt hanging in my living room for many reason but one is I loved how I felt 2 yrs ago when I was so much  more slim. But that dress today could dig me a mental hole I could not  mentally work my way out for a long time.  It could possibly help me get surgery as soon as this year but at what price Damn ziglar price is one time and cost is ongoing. So using his logic the ?  price of surgery is one time but the cost of dancing to get the surgery would cost and cost for years to come in my life.  However ziglar was did not have estrogen in his body to try and control the human body’s emotions while making such a hard decision. Trust me men have it easy and I am a person would know the difference of not being on estrogen.  I know what it feels like when I see a woman screaming … I am not on my period … lmao

I probably will not dance but this space you give me has really proven the unknown factor in my growth as a woman. This space has enabled me to process information very quickly, vent and many other things and I thank you for that.

 But if the right woman comes up to me I think the game is up at this point if my hormones are raging like they are now.  This is why I am so transparent too and that is because it helps me prevent such serious issues from occurring by putting them on the table. This is much like attempting suicide which is unlikely but putting it on the table makes it even less likely because only a person in denial or lying would say suicide will never happen to me on hormones.  Especially with that statistics’ demonstrate many turn back on hormones and many do attempt suicide while on hormones. This is no game and it literally could be life and death. At times it feels like Russian roulette but I had not idea what I was getting in to until I started hormones.

I just wanted some breast and nice girlfriend along with hormones. What happened on the way to taking hormones is much like going in the marines when the recruiter said you will travel the world. You get to parris island and you think how the hell did I end up here and how do I get out.

But with estrogen it is a one way ticket with no end of enlistment date because it will last the rest of your life even if you decide to come off of hormones you will know what is on the other side of the fence. It changes you so much and how you look at the world and how you process information. You are seeing the world through a brand new prism that changes by the hour at times. This is truly what estrogen does to the body. As many woman have told me welcome to womanhood as they laugh and one said now you understand Rachel.

The problem is I understand way too much but I am one sharp cookie and this is the reason I am still above the ground after 2 ½ yrs on estrogen.  I have only had to learn on the fly because those before me refuse to go public about their experience on hormones. I will do all can to remain in the  public eye  about the experience and prevent attempted suicides and deaths. I am part of the solution not the problem.

Thank you

rachel