i have been really challenged of
late but moving around Portland and seeing true homelessness give me
and would give anyone a new and enlightening prospective. then last
night i could not see because of my eye infection which is worse due to
my anxiety. I thought in the moment that what if I lost my eye sight and
what would happen to me? this truly scared me in the moment. also on
the train I see men and women that really, really ..... the homelessness
is a result of mental illness and with it the physical damage it does
to the person over time.
i saw a guy who was, no idea his age, could be my age but his skin
was like leather and thought maybe this was due to the harsh living
conditions over the years. personally i could not survive true
homelessness now because of how feminine i have become and the loss of
muscle mass would make me a big target for any predator. i consider
myself lucky to be in the position i am now, very lucky, thank god.
then i was working out today and even with my initial
stretches on the floor i had the urge to see if a vagina was between my
legs and this caused me to cry uncontrollably.this is becoming a bigger
problem as my body appears more and more feminine by the day. the
workouts are increasing in intensity and today i felt the power of my
legs coming back in a different way. i run straight then to the side as
my body and mind communicate how i am suppose to run. but very quickly
my muscles in my legs are developing and now my back is beginning to
feel the run. FYI i found out the hill i am starting to climb is called
MT. Scott. the incline is much more than the hill from downtown Portland
to the VA. I simply don't know how not to succeed eventually.
however in my pain is the thought that i will neverrrrrrrrrrrrr
everrrrrrrrrr be able to be me in my 20-40's? and why? as i cry there is
no reason. i was kept in a cave in my apt for decades because i feared
total rejection and homelessness and true death because of who i am .
now i come to downtown Portland today and i realized today that I come
everyday because in the past i was locked in a excuse me F---- cave. in
2009 I lived in the cyber sex world because if i came out as me i could
have died and no one would cared, not one person but maybe a few in my
family. more than likely not even my grandmother could openly support me
in Altoona.
now i live with the fact that i am happy, well almost, for the first
time in my life. but i know as i ccryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy and
cryyyyyyyyyyyyyy and cryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy that i will never be
allowed to know who i could have been. I really thought today .. i
wanted to be a flight attendant so i could travel and get out of
Altoona when i was growing up and into my adulthood. this was not a passing thought and even in my 30's i explored
before my daughter was born. i was not allowed to be me in my family and
no matter what i did i could not fight my entire family and the culture
of a small town.
plus my aunt, excuse me that bitch, as i finally put together what
she brought into our family. so she was a catholic sister who was
trained from the prospective of the 1940's in the catholic church ways
between 1950-1972. but in 1961 when we moved back to PA from CA she
taught my mother to bare ass spank us to make us do as we were told by
our mother.I remember vividly she spanked me and then i told my
grandmother. but when my grandmother could not stop her daughter she
told me to tell my father about the spanking and he stopped them.
her prospective was that men have a specific role in society
and women have a supportive role with men which was taught to her in the
1950's. also divorce was rare because it was frowned upon very harshly
by the church and other members of the church. also it is apparent that
she elevated her beliefs from spare the rod spoil the child. she believed in
literally brute force to get a child to comply with a parent's demand.
my grandmother told me more than once your mother and aunt were not
raised like this Donnie. she also said I am not happy with them either.
so my aunt deployed her harsh values and used money and her
relationship with my mother to attempt to instil her values from the
1950's upon our family. she had to believe that children can be taught
to do whatever you want if you use enough force. hence one day she told
me " remember you thought you were right handed." yes i was punished
until i used my right hand and brute force made me comply in a world
that belittled me at the age of 5. My aunt almost has to believe that
this is the way of god and otherwise acknowledge if there is a different
way this would shame god and mean the moral decay of society.
she is the one that brought shame under god's name to our
family. Because of her harsh values of doing things one way and her own
mental illness it divided our family. each time I saw what
she did to my siblings i would tell my grandmother. my grandmother would
confront my mother and her sister on the act. this made my aunt and
mother very angry but my aunt was furious that I would not comply and I
would tell her mother everything.
even when my sister would not comply they, both my mother and
aunt would slap her face. i told my father what i saw after talking to
my grandmother and my father, the street fighter, got in my aunt's face
about hitting my sister. so then only my mother slapped my sister's face
as my aunt directed the act. my aunt on many occasions would infer to my
mother or grandmother that she knew better because she was or had been a
catholic sister. my grandmother would shake her head in disguise and
say, " mary Jeanne."
so there was no way in the world genetic female or me could be
a flight attendant in Hollidaysburg PA because my aunt, not my
grandmother, told my mother how everyone should act in our family. Also
it seems like you were told what you should do, live in the small town
and produce more children that knew the way of god from my aunt's prospective.
my grandmother pushed me to get out of the small town and
told me she regretted not traveling more than she had in her live in her
60's. my mother had the imagine of me working in the railroad shops
and I told her" i don't do manual label." she said, " that is right you
are lazy." I then said," no i have picked enough rocks in my life .. no
more manual labor for me." i told my mother i will go to the marines
then Penn State like my uncle did and use the GI bill monies to go to college. then when I
attended PSU she said," if you brother was not married he would be in
college too." well I am here." i know she detested me because i had
defied her and her sister's world and ended up in one of the best
schools in the country. often my mother said to me you are just like
your grandmother and at times she said this in front of my grandmother and my
grandmother and I would just laugh. my mother would say this is not funny and
you and your grandmother do not understand the world. my grandmother
would weigh in and say," listen Connnie I raised you and your brother
and sisters during the great depression.... "
i get the fire and drive from my grandmother who nurtured it
from a very early age. she gave me hope and a desire to become me,
Rachel. she knew i was feminine and she was the first to help with make
up and help me put on my first bra and dress.
as i have said so many times without the women in my life there
would have been no rachel. i just did not know that the first woman was
my grandmother. she gave me the safe space like i have today to be me.
not many are this lucky but i am and thank god.
i am pulling out of my maladaptive dreams via ... well i am
trying it is not easy and does not work all the time... but " live now
and more forward, does this thought help me heal? so much points back to
my childhood and my thought process was elevated with my sales
background and goal setting which I modeled from Zig Ziglar.
i will be lucky to survive this journey next yr but i am doing my very best to tell the true story.
thank you
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Saturday, August 30, 2014
the real pain continues and my drive for surgey even more important
hi
I saw 3 couples on the train today kissing and all i could think of is
being with a woman. then i thought.. have to edit this.... she cannot
be with me because i want her to do things with me that cannot be done
because i don't have vagina.
i am crying because now if a man put 5k-20k in front of me i would
have sex with them to get surgery. there is no more justifying
anything. i would like to cross the line to get surgery at any price
now. the pain is more than i can bare.
i was thinking of what if? in June there is no way i can afford
surgery and what will i do ? i will not wait until 2016 because 2015
will be the year no matter what. to me this is the ultimate all or
none!!
in the shower i cannot touch the thing, when i go to the bathroom and
.... i cried today so hard I had to force myself off the toilet. when
i workout i am crying so hard that i have a hard time pulling myself
off the floor some days. i cry when i get up, eat, sleep, and every
breath could bring a tear. if others could see this maybe they would
be compassionate enough to grant people like me the option in the
united states for sexual reassignment surgery.
the energy it takes to prepare breakfast and do the dishes in the
morning is exhausting after i have pushed myself though tears waking
up, stretching in bed and lifting weights or running. maybe this is
why i have switched it to night time work outs which have not helped
since i cry and cry then too.
in the depth of my crying i think of suicide by cutting my penis but somehow I
manage to push though it all with the hope of surgery. when the hope
of surgery is gone i will commit suicide. that is a really hard thing
to acknowledge but since i have been trying for so many years that
hope if removed would be the end of me. i would rather die then keep
this thing beyond next yr this time.
no i am not planning on any specific course of suicide with a date but
i am emotionally exhausted after yrs of fighting this disease. yet
surgery is so close but so far away but i have heard the closer you
get to surgery the more intense the emotional trauma which is where i would possibly
commit suicide. not to mention i have heard of others that commit
suicide immediately after surgery.
I am putting suicide solidly on the table because i am in trouble and
i do not want to hurt you. i feel like i am limbo where i am not who
i am suppose to be and living and fighting is so hard for me. i am
trying to avoid cutting, attempting suicide like so many others in the
community but wow it is really pushing me hard now. i am almost
positive it is because I will have to risk so much with surgery and so
many unknowns along with the fact each day this thing between my legs
becomes more and more .............what is doing between my legs....
where is my vagina?
i am to the point then when i am in my shower that i try to massage
something that does not exist and my mind does not know why there is
not a vagina there? then i get out of the shower and dry off and i try
to dry something that is not there as i cry. then later in the day my
hormones surge which pushes up my estrogen and drive for sex which
makes me cry because i cannot have sex. this is hell beyond anything
you can imagine. omg i cannot imagine all this pain and how i am still
alive?
managing the day to day chores, personal issues, hormones etc and try
to find a way to finance and mentally heal before surgery is .....
what word of phrase can i use....i know i am in prison and at times a
concentration camp without walls. in the shower i think as i cry up
against the shower sliding door that i am in prison and i wanted out so
bad.
now i am close to the point i will do whatever i need to and any
future gf i hope will understand what i did because i could not take
the pain any longer. i have made peace or close to making peace with
having sex with men for money.
plus on top of all of this when i lift weights either my RA or lack of
muscle mass causes me to cry so hard because i am lifting 5 lbs
dumbbells.
i just think over and over .... what could i have done in this life if
i had expended this much energy in helping others or operating my own
company? no one will ever know because the yrs are gone forever as i
enter my 55 yr birthday of hell.
i am thinking at this moment in the library ... of cutting my penis
off .. i actually can visualize cutting it but then my rational mind
kicks in and says if i do that i cannot get surgery maybe? then i can
see a woman with me and what she is doing to me with such clarity
that it is like watching a hi def movie. as the days go by the images
of being with a woman drive me to surgery and this really is not new
since i have wanted to be with a woman for decades as a woman. but the
clarity is kiling my soul
I saw 3 couples on the train today kissing and all i could think of is
being with a woman. then i thought.. have to edit this.... she cannot
be with me because i want her to do things with me that cannot be done
because i don't have vagina.
i am crying because now if a man put 5k-20k in front of me i would
have sex with them to get surgery. there is no more justifying
anything. i would like to cross the line to get surgery at any price
now. the pain is more than i can bare.
i was thinking of what if? in June there is no way i can afford
surgery and what will i do ? i will not wait until 2016 because 2015
will be the year no matter what. to me this is the ultimate all or
none!!
in the shower i cannot touch the thing, when i go to the bathroom and
.... i cried today so hard I had to force myself off the toilet. when
i workout i am crying so hard that i have a hard time pulling myself
off the floor some days. i cry when i get up, eat, sleep, and every
breath could bring a tear. if others could see this maybe they would
be compassionate enough to grant people like me the option in the
united states for sexual reassignment surgery.
the energy it takes to prepare breakfast and do the dishes in the
morning is exhausting after i have pushed myself though tears waking
up, stretching in bed and lifting weights or running. maybe this is
why i have switched it to night time work outs which have not helped
since i cry and cry then too.
in the depth of my crying i think of suicide by cutting my penis but somehow I
manage to push though it all with the hope of surgery. when the hope
of surgery is gone i will commit suicide. that is a really hard thing
to acknowledge but since i have been trying for so many years that
hope if removed would be the end of me. i would rather die then keep
this thing beyond next yr this time.
no i am not planning on any specific course of suicide with a date but
i am emotionally exhausted after yrs of fighting this disease. yet
surgery is so close but so far away but i have heard the closer you
get to surgery the more intense the emotional trauma which is where i would possibly
commit suicide. not to mention i have heard of others that commit
suicide immediately after surgery.
I am putting suicide solidly on the table because i am in trouble and
i do not want to hurt you. i feel like i am limbo where i am not who
i am suppose to be and living and fighting is so hard for me. i am
trying to avoid cutting, attempting suicide like so many others in the
community but wow it is really pushing me hard now. i am almost
positive it is because I will have to risk so much with surgery and so
many unknowns along with the fact each day this thing between my legs
becomes more and more .............what is doing between my legs....
where is my vagina?
i am to the point then when i am in my shower that i try to massage
something that does not exist and my mind does not know why there is
not a vagina there? then i get out of the shower and dry off and i try
to dry something that is not there as i cry. then later in the day my
hormones surge which pushes up my estrogen and drive for sex which
makes me cry because i cannot have sex. this is hell beyond anything
you can imagine. omg i cannot imagine all this pain and how i am still
alive?
managing the day to day chores, personal issues, hormones etc and try
to find a way to finance and mentally heal before surgery is .....
what word of phrase can i use....i know i am in prison and at times a
concentration camp without walls. in the shower i think as i cry up
against the shower sliding door that i am in prison and i wanted out so
bad.
now i am close to the point i will do whatever i need to and any
future gf i hope will understand what i did because i could not take
the pain any longer. i have made peace or close to making peace with
having sex with men for money.
plus on top of all of this when i lift weights either my RA or lack of
muscle mass causes me to cry so hard because i am lifting 5 lbs
dumbbells.
i just think over and over .... what could i have done in this life if
i had expended this much energy in helping others or operating my own
company? no one will ever know because the yrs are gone forever as i
enter my 55 yr birthday of hell.
i am thinking at this moment in the library ... of cutting my penis
off .. i actually can visualize cutting it but then my rational mind
kicks in and says if i do that i cannot get surgery maybe? then i can
see a woman with me and what she is doing to me with such clarity
that it is like watching a hi def movie. as the days go by the images
of being with a woman drive me to surgery and this really is not new
since i have wanted to be with a woman for decades as a woman. but the
clarity is kiling my soul
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
approaching 55 yrs old , women and sex
you make me smile, laugh
and cry a little with your last email. you are validating me in so many
ways. last night i thought, going back to shortly after we met,
everyone in the community abandoned me and i asked you, as i cried,
please help me. as i cry now you are a blessing from god. ....everyone
left me for dead but you until i met ......
I purposely walk the way i do to prove a point i wanted to do for so long. that you can look and walk like a model and have the brains of a scientist and senior VP. although my thought process was at the being of hormones i should be able to strip on Friday and saturday and be a senior VP Monday-Friday. i think i have seen far too many men belittle women, since i walked amongst them i heard what they really thought of us, and this made me more determined then ever to prove them wrong and in all honesty put them in their place.
........
also yesterday as usual i put myself out there and i met the guy that was impressed with my football knowledge which ends at 2010. I thought real women don't like football but Penn State is back and soon we will be off of probation lol. also i met this guy on the train and he was bragging about he worked for the NSA and dropped MIT in the conversation. the trump card i have for men they cannot beat is I am a Marine. I have found that men are focused, most men, on their toys and accomplishments and conquest of women etc, which i detest, and whereas so many women are into the emotional part of friendships.
also the age of 55 yrs old is almost upon me and i think i have accomplished between nothing and very little. i wanted to be a successful professional woman but now with all the fixings, sorry that description. i also want a wife and child and to have everything i don't have now.... home, car, and someone to cook for as i cry. so with my goals in my mind i have done nothing in this life as i enter my senior yrs. i cannot even say i am going to be 55 yrs old.when my case manager brought it up yesterday i cried and cried... i told her i don't want to talk about it. it is on my mind all the time as i beg for anyone to help with my surgery. i am still clawing and scratching to be me where i started at the age of 7 yrs old. so 1/2 century later i am still .......
.................
I thought i had a omen from god, or satan most likely, when i found a flyer for several strip clubs in portland on my run. i thought god , not really, was telling me to go and strip because i have no friends and god is not real. so i pinned the flyer on my wall. i then looked up lesbian strip clubs in Portland and i found that in Oregon City there is a lesbian strip club for women. i thought i need to go there and i would be embraced by all? also i looked up how much a strip pole was and it is 489.00 that is portable. i feel like a lost soul and let's go for broke again and the hell with god and everyone around, hence the email the other day.
.....
i am caught between two worlds, one that will accept with the condition of selling my body and soul and other that is so rewarding and one of love. but the one of love is one where i cannot hold one person. as the days go by i am leaning more and more towards the strip clubs but in my heart it is different.
i thought today about women which happens all day long. then i thought i love a hot dyke who would ravish my body and make me feel like a real woman. i have been looked up and down by a few in Portland. plus i was given card blanche at Hamburger Mary's by a dyke that was a bartender. but then i looked in my heart and i said given a choice i would take a woman that would hold me and make me feel warm inside.
.... might be right a healing is going on because i have noticed that the very little things that use to bother me simply don't anymore. i mean outside of surgery. this is a huge improvement over the last few decades. but if the wrong woman approaches me and offers sex I cannot refuse i have longed for a woman to love me as woman since my ex wife rejected me as a woman over 20 yrs ago.
i am seeking true love but sex may prevail.
thank you
I purposely walk the way i do to prove a point i wanted to do for so long. that you can look and walk like a model and have the brains of a scientist and senior VP. although my thought process was at the being of hormones i should be able to strip on Friday and saturday and be a senior VP Monday-Friday. i think i have seen far too many men belittle women, since i walked amongst them i heard what they really thought of us, and this made me more determined then ever to prove them wrong and in all honesty put them in their place.
........
also yesterday as usual i put myself out there and i met the guy that was impressed with my football knowledge which ends at 2010. I thought real women don't like football but Penn State is back and soon we will be off of probation lol. also i met this guy on the train and he was bragging about he worked for the NSA and dropped MIT in the conversation. the trump card i have for men they cannot beat is I am a Marine. I have found that men are focused, most men, on their toys and accomplishments and conquest of women etc, which i detest, and whereas so many women are into the emotional part of friendships.
also the age of 55 yrs old is almost upon me and i think i have accomplished between nothing and very little. i wanted to be a successful professional woman but now with all the fixings, sorry that description. i also want a wife and child and to have everything i don't have now.... home, car, and someone to cook for as i cry. so with my goals in my mind i have done nothing in this life as i enter my senior yrs. i cannot even say i am going to be 55 yrs old.when my case manager brought it up yesterday i cried and cried... i told her i don't want to talk about it. it is on my mind all the time as i beg for anyone to help with my surgery. i am still clawing and scratching to be me where i started at the age of 7 yrs old. so 1/2 century later i am still .......
.................
I thought i had a omen from god, or satan most likely, when i found a flyer for several strip clubs in portland on my run. i thought god , not really, was telling me to go and strip because i have no friends and god is not real. so i pinned the flyer on my wall. i then looked up lesbian strip clubs in Portland and i found that in Oregon City there is a lesbian strip club for women. i thought i need to go there and i would be embraced by all? also i looked up how much a strip pole was and it is 489.00 that is portable. i feel like a lost soul and let's go for broke again and the hell with god and everyone around, hence the email the other day.
.....
i am caught between two worlds, one that will accept with the condition of selling my body and soul and other that is so rewarding and one of love. but the one of love is one where i cannot hold one person. as the days go by i am leaning more and more towards the strip clubs but in my heart it is different.
i thought today about women which happens all day long. then i thought i love a hot dyke who would ravish my body and make me feel like a real woman. i have been looked up and down by a few in Portland. plus i was given card blanche at Hamburger Mary's by a dyke that was a bartender. but then i looked in my heart and i said given a choice i would take a woman that would hold me and make me feel warm inside.
.... might be right a healing is going on because i have noticed that the very little things that use to bother me simply don't anymore. i mean outside of surgery. this is a huge improvement over the last few decades. but if the wrong woman approaches me and offers sex I cannot refuse i have longed for a woman to love me as woman since my ex wife rejected me as a woman over 20 yrs ago.
i am seeking true love but sex may prevail.
thank you
Sunday, August 24, 2014
study on SRS morbidy ...... wow speechless
here is a study I came upon....... no words....... way off base with this girl....
http://www.plosone.org/article/info%3Adoi%2F10.1371%2Fjournal.pone.0016885#pone-0016885-t001
http://www.plosone.org/article/info%3Adoi%2F10.1371%2Fjournal.pone.0016885#pone-0016885-t001
what has changed since i was a child, my grandmother , and ?
just today i started to blow dry my hair on my left side.
the estrogen for me sees to never shut off. i have tried and tried to
explain to the doctors but this has feel upon deaf ears. anyhow moving
on i have had to learn moderation to survive and i was wrong that i need
to remove the maladaptive dreams before surgery . but not only before
surgery but now before i mentally crash.
the hormones are accelerating by the day exponentially. also the more i work out it seems like i am becoming more feminine and physically weaker. the problem i have tried to explain to you and others is my body frame and muscle mass cannot support my weight. literally i will be in a wheel chair with my RA and and the loss of muscle mass due to estrogen unless i keep losing weight.
then last night i remember as i lost part of my vision because
it became very blurry in one eye. I was like i am in my teens and very
sensitive to heat, which created anxiety and the blurry vision. none of
this is due to estrogen but one could argue it is from the abuse. but i
would argue that maybe and maybe it was my hormones back when i was a
teen. it became so pronounced that i could not work in the yard with my
brother and father. my father would say you are just like the women. the hormones are accelerating by the day exponentially. also the more i work out it seems like i am becoming more feminine and physically weaker. the problem i have tried to explain to you and others is my body frame and muscle mass cannot support my weight. literally i will be in a wheel chair with my RA and and the loss of muscle mass due to estrogen unless i keep losing weight.
it is also apparent that my father made us pick rocks since he was not allowed, per my mother, to teach us boxing. he told us this will make you tough and tried to teach me how to use a rack to toughen up my stomach muscles. then at time when my mother was not watching he would teach us , let's be honest, street fighting or rough house play. my mother knew all of this was wrong but feared him and did nothing. i told my grandmother and my mother said there is nothing i can do.
my grandmother did all she could to help me become a lady but society like today i cannot be me ? nothing has changed in the last 50 yrs. i am accepted in small gathering but no one wants to support me in the larger society.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
link to fund raising for sexual reassignment ; help if you are able
my surgeon has agreed to video tape the surgery and I will make the video able on line after i return from thailand. the link below is to help in my efforts to have surgery ASAP.
thank you
rachel
http://www.gofundme.com/SRS-forRachel
thank you
rachel
http://www.gofundme.com/SRS-forRachel
hell of my chidhood, moving past if possible and my thought process before surgery
from a private email
i am not so good. i will be honest i have more episodes of thoughts of suicide but please have faith that i will not cut a piece of your heart............. in such an act. i am in hell and it is getting worse by the second but the idea that all of my dreams from 3 yrs ago may come true in thailand push me through thought of suicide.
i remember how my aunt told me remember how you thought you were left handed and really you are right handed? you will learn to act like your mother and i want you to like everyone else. so basically satan my aunt thought that since i was beaten to write with my right hand that she could alter my feminine qualities.
omg there is a force in me i cannot explain nor stop. it is unlike what anyone ever talks about. when i am working out, eating, or whatever there is this internal force that guides me. for example when i am working out , in the past, i would push up to 90 percent but now i know that 60-70 percent will make long term gains. this is true of my mental health and physical health. whatever is in me cannot be stopped and maybe from birth god touched me and this is my mission in life and god's will?
i thought of suicide briefly yesterday but in the moment i thought to myself out loud, " i have more to life for then dying." i know it sounds so different but what i have worked for so long since starting DBT in 2003 has now made it possible for me to think in the moment. the bad part is i cannot stop off the bad memories of the past.
the pain inflicted upon me by society was horrible. but i know why i like to talk in groups now and why i want a family picnic? that is because as a child my grandmother made that space safe for me to act any way i wanted and defied my aunt and mother by telling them to leave me alone while i sat next to my other aunts and my grandmother.
what i am saying is i came out at 7 yrs old and i felt the pain within my family about my gender after i pointed to who i was a girl. but then my grandmother treated me like her daughter, yes daughter, and my aunts by marriage embraced me as one of their own. this made it possible for me to socialize and learn as a woman. in the small circle of my grandmother and aunts the joke was ," don't worry Donnie is not one of them, a man." we all would smile when one aunt would say that too. so i was raised as woman in sweats and t shirt but all the women in my family knew who i was at 7 yrs old. i just made it all official in 2003 when i told my mother face to fact again and in 2011 when i wrote the letter that my name is rachel.
this is why i have a hard time understanding when people say when did you come out? i finally can say when i was 7 yrs old and my mother tried to put me in an institution but my grandmother protected me. this have to go though this is horrible and to know , as you say, my own blood mother tried to lock me up is , no words.
i know now i have the strength to do what i need to and follow through with my rest of my life and surgery. but it emotionally drains me to try to manage a project like this while i am the project. but this extreme stress keeps my mind occupied and deters thoughts of suicide. this is not surgery or death for me. to me it is risking it all to be me or go back to even more self destructive behaviors.
on that note if i email you later and i tell you i bought a car or purchased 500.00 in make up i have taken a step back and this will mean a step closer to suicide. is this true? i am locked in a death roll with surgery and i am betting my friends in the VA can put me back together mentally and physically after surgery. my friends at xerox and the VA have made rachel possible as i cry and cry. i have the safe space my grandmother gave me as a child but now it is ok to be me finally after 50 yrs. this is insane for what i had to do to get this far.
i cannot and will not turn back. mentally and physically i will be ready in six months. i need to counter the loss of muscle mass before surgery and strengthen my abs and back to ensure the best recovery time after surgery. while i am mentally fighting for my life and changing my behaviors in the moment.
thank you for being in my life and god bless
i am not so good. i will be honest i have more episodes of thoughts of suicide but please have faith that i will not cut a piece of your heart............. in such an act. i am in hell and it is getting worse by the second but the idea that all of my dreams from 3 yrs ago may come true in thailand push me through thought of suicide.
i remember how my aunt told me remember how you thought you were left handed and really you are right handed? you will learn to act like your mother and i want you to like everyone else. so basically satan my aunt thought that since i was beaten to write with my right hand that she could alter my feminine qualities.
omg there is a force in me i cannot explain nor stop. it is unlike what anyone ever talks about. when i am working out, eating, or whatever there is this internal force that guides me. for example when i am working out , in the past, i would push up to 90 percent but now i know that 60-70 percent will make long term gains. this is true of my mental health and physical health. whatever is in me cannot be stopped and maybe from birth god touched me and this is my mission in life and god's will?
i thought of suicide briefly yesterday but in the moment i thought to myself out loud, " i have more to life for then dying." i know it sounds so different but what i have worked for so long since starting DBT in 2003 has now made it possible for me to think in the moment. the bad part is i cannot stop off the bad memories of the past.
the pain inflicted upon me by society was horrible. but i know why i like to talk in groups now and why i want a family picnic? that is because as a child my grandmother made that space safe for me to act any way i wanted and defied my aunt and mother by telling them to leave me alone while i sat next to my other aunts and my grandmother.
what i am saying is i came out at 7 yrs old and i felt the pain within my family about my gender after i pointed to who i was a girl. but then my grandmother treated me like her daughter, yes daughter, and my aunts by marriage embraced me as one of their own. this made it possible for me to socialize and learn as a woman. in the small circle of my grandmother and aunts the joke was ," don't worry Donnie is not one of them, a man." we all would smile when one aunt would say that too. so i was raised as woman in sweats and t shirt but all the women in my family knew who i was at 7 yrs old. i just made it all official in 2003 when i told my mother face to fact again and in 2011 when i wrote the letter that my name is rachel.
this is why i have a hard time understanding when people say when did you come out? i finally can say when i was 7 yrs old and my mother tried to put me in an institution but my grandmother protected me. this have to go though this is horrible and to know , as you say, my own blood mother tried to lock me up is , no words.
i know now i have the strength to do what i need to and follow through with my rest of my life and surgery. but it emotionally drains me to try to manage a project like this while i am the project. but this extreme stress keeps my mind occupied and deters thoughts of suicide. this is not surgery or death for me. to me it is risking it all to be me or go back to even more self destructive behaviors.
on that note if i email you later and i tell you i bought a car or purchased 500.00 in make up i have taken a step back and this will mean a step closer to suicide. is this true? i am locked in a death roll with surgery and i am betting my friends in the VA can put me back together mentally and physically after surgery. my friends at xerox and the VA have made rachel possible as i cry and cry. i have the safe space my grandmother gave me as a child but now it is ok to be me finally after 50 yrs. this is insane for what i had to do to get this far.
i cannot and will not turn back. mentally and physically i will be ready in six months. i need to counter the loss of muscle mass before surgery and strengthen my abs and back to ensure the best recovery time after surgery. while i am mentally fighting for my life and changing my behaviors in the moment.
thank you for being in my life and god bless
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