The first year on hormones and the real story

I understand so much about myself that I did not 23 months ago. ( I have been on estrogen treatment for 23 months as of July 4, 2013.) I understand that in my mind because of the actions of the VA made me feel very, very safe. This enabled me to grow and learn at a very rapid pace. The safer I feel the more I am willing to share. (info edited for my friends privacy)

 This is only because I have not been able to explain everything to  ?  my therapist, because of the pace I have been compelled to process information and problem solve. The pace that I must problem solve has increased exponentially since week two of hormone therapy treatment.

I honestly knew from week two of the treatment I was in for a journey no one talks about. It was such a shock to my body that I imagined myself in a roller coaster and I was holding on for my life. I was aware of this and acknowledged this to myself in week two. I wanted to be who I was born to be , a woman..

In the second month of therapy I wrote a few profound statements. I put them aside and looked at them the next day. I wondered who is this woman? I knew at this point god had touched me. I never had written anything like this in my life. When I wrote things like … it is my obligation to speak for those who cannot speak for themselves, I am willing to risk homelessness to achieve my goals, etc. I had committed to goals that might put me in danger and was willing to die for my beliefs. I had no idea how this woman inside me had stayed quiet for so long.

(edited out for privacy)

The only time I thought of turning back was in May 2012. My mother had died in January, my aunt died in April and by may of 2012 I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I had pulled my hamstring shortly after my aunt died. In may I had three panic attacks which resulted in three trips to the Portland VA via ambulance.

I was determined to see it through and started a blog initially because if I did not survive the hormone therapy there would be at least one true story for people to read. I was so scared in May of 2012 but I have never told anyone just how bad that phrase of my life was at the time. I would go to sleep with my cell phone next to my head and fall asleep with 911 already keyed in so all I had to do is press send to call an ambulance. I was so scared I would die from the panic attacks.

One panic attack was so bad that I woke up from a dead sleep and was blacking in and out and tried to walk out my apartment naked at first. I went back into my apartment put some clothes on quickly. I was walking out of my apartment blacking in and out of consciousness while dialing 911 (emergency) for an ambulance. I heard….. For English.. Press . I was in true fight of flight mode and quickly processed that this meant press 1 for English. By the time I was in the elevator I was not blacking out too much and started to calm down some. I was rushed to the hospital by ambulance and VA staff reassured me every step of the process that it will be ok Rachel. This help me calm down quickly and the panic attack went as fast as it had come.

I realized now that I have to say this is not real and the panic attack will not kill me. I had a friend who was a nurse tell me this. I am so blessed to have so many women around me that care about me. This seemingly small statement helped me understand and realize that although I had the symptoms of a panic attack, It was not real. This was a major hurdle. My friend was right that my heart is strong and I would make through this part of my life.

After this my right handed dominance which started to switch to left hand dominance in week two was moving very quickly to affect more than a few parts of my life. It started in June -July to put my make up on, shave, etc with my left hand. It was no more a choice any more than my gender. I know in grade school I tried to use my left hand in first grade and my mother said no you are right handed. One must understand that in the 60’s and 70’s if you were left handed this might mean you had a mental illness.

By September 2012 I had started my job at Xerox and now I was using my left hand to use the mouse. The anxiety was increased when I don’t use my left hand and I have noticed since about the one year mark on estrogen. I can tell now if I switch back to my right hand I am in fight or flight mode because of the stress. This is a clear indication that the stress I am in and the situation is too much for me. This was in the first year of hormone

She was suppose to say no.... Validation by society ....saved my life

The impact others have had on my hormones experience is , if there is a word to describe it, profound.  I believe my experience has been very unique because of my work with the veteran’s administration hospital (va).  Why do I think this?

It is my strong held belief within the transgendered community we isolate without knowing it.  We , the transgendered community, hold in secrets that have a ripple effect in every aspect of our lives.  I know for myself that this disease, gender identity disorder, has had a severe negative impact on my personal, professional and social life. 

The chance of a life time happened in 2011.  I had asked for clarification of the VA policy which had been instituted in June 2011.  I was persistent and requested information of how the new va policy would be applied in my case at the Portland VA.  Much to my surprise the men and women of the Portland VA were not only willing to answer my questions but meet me in person at my request.

I realized by December of 2011 that I as able to open a door that was unheard of at the time.  I did not do this by myself literally dozens of men and women and many others I will never meet helped me in this Endeavour. What happened next falls under the category you need to be very careful what you wish for because you might actually get it. 

I just wanted an opportunity to speak with someone that implemented policy in the Va who could help me help others veterans. In my heart this was never about the transgendered community, nor rachel but about equal access for medical care for all veterans.  In December of 2011 I achieved what no one else, to the best of my knowledge,  had accomplish and that is a meeting with a person in a leadership position within the VA leadership.

Quite honestly I thought that I could say I did all I could and the VA was the VA that was going through the motions just like everyone hears in the media.  Oppps I was wrong again.  The meeting lasted for about one hour and towards the end of the meeting she said, “ rachel, you’re not what I expected. “  I said , “ you’re not what I expected either. “ She had granted my request to speak to Va staff on my experience while taking hormone replacement therapy.  I knew that the laws and regulations in place had no real substance unless the decision makers who prescribe the estrogen know what the real life experience is really like. 

Immediately following the meeting I walked out of the conference room and I thought what the hell did I just do?  She was suppose to say no not yes.  I honesty was so scared because ….. again she was suppose to say no and we both say we met with each other and … well you know the VA . The opposite happened and I was given an opportunity and with it the risk few, if any, would take in my position. 

I was scheduled to speak at the Regional VA Conference in February 2012.  This was on the less than two weeks after the death of my mother.  I wrote the speech the day after my mother’s death because I knew I would be in shock soon. I was right and that is exactly what happened.   But this speech in front of 50 directors and deputy directors was the focus I needed after the death of my mother. This was important but I did not realize that what was more important at the time is the VA pulled me out of isolation and my life would be forever changed. What am I talking about?

It is my perception now that this single event , along with my continue work with the va,  pulled me out of isolation and validated me.  This was a coming out party that was by invite only to the men and women that care about veterans.  All I offered was a true story of what it is really like to go through hormone treatment.  I did not down play the challenges and obstacles I had to overcome in the first six months on hormones.

I realized that in the moment that I spoke for the entire transgendered community within the va.  I was allowed in an inner circle without restrictions. In fact the prepared speech

I found out that leadership has a price.  I have many friends within the Va but there are never was given.  The speech turned into an open conversation where I spoke from my heart and at no point did my any va official try to redirect the conversation.  There are some people who envy not only my work with va but my success in corp America, Xerox/  This is something that makes me sad and I cry from time to time about because I am simply trying to help veterans. 

I have learned over the last couple years on hormones ….here is my response to another transgendered woman, actually she is intersex, who asked me to start a transgendered group with her.  I ask myself and everyone around me the tough questions.  I asked her ,” who would have the power to determine who is in the group and who is removed from the group.” Her response was, “ we would.” This implicitly states that I would have the power to decide the fate of who are members and who is not a member based on my perceptions. 

When you belong to a group you cannot speak freely like I do with the Va and will in public later this year. I would have to take into consideration the politics and money that would undoubtedly come into play in time with a group. I do not want to be part of an organization where  I would be compelled to filter out the real story.  Thus I cannot see me building an organization at this point. My organization is as big as I want it to be ….. me and a very select people who I would trust with my life , literally. 

I believe so deeply in the va health care system, which to me is the people I have contact with on a regular basis, I have  offered my brain for research after my natural death.  I also have provided unedited diaries , notes to my therapist about the depth of the demons one has to confront on hormones.  Someone has to take the lead for a better understanding of this disease but I just did not see myself as a leader anywhere in society until 2011.

Far too many of us in the transgendered community believe that no one understand us. We are effectively saying no for men and women who never were given a chance to get to know us.  I have and still do this at times.  I have found that given the opportunity more people want to know us, me, than the transgendered community thinks.  By saying no for everyone that is not a member of the transgendered community we effective isolate and do not realize it. 

I dared to risk so much by speaking opening about my experiences in the VA and Xerox and was shocked that rejection is an exception not the rule.  Give society a chance to say no before you say no for them. I learned this early in my process thanx to the VA community from top to bottom.  This is also true of so many people in Xerox. Two women in the Va heard my story and shared with me that they know veterans that were female to male transgendered.  If I had not openly shared my story I would have never learned this part of their story. I will believe that I get 10x back by sharing my story with others.  

The biggest gift god gave me was the courage to speak in public. I heal more and more mentally every time I share my story.  I think my story is not about being a woman but being part of the human race after decades of isolation.  By opening listening to other people’s story and having the ability to have honest conversation where I say often , “ I think you are right.” It is not about being right or wrong but how to help each other grow.

I want to thank all the men and women of the Va , Xerox, Portland women crisis, catholic social services, Dress for success and all the men and women of Portland and others that helped me in my healing. 

I am doing my part to help myself heal and in the process others heal too.

Fyi I want to thank everyone that is looking at my blog. It has reached many countries since the publication of my article in the va . The blog is not viewed from usa, Canada, russia, Ukraine, oman ,uk, and many countries.

In my darkest hours know that each one of you help me a way you cannot imagine.

In my next blog I will tell you the real story in depth that few , if any, would tell the general public.  It is the right thing to do and in my mind it is that simple.

Thank you

Rachel

Fyi I will do a utube video by the 2 yr anniversary of hormone treat , aug 4, 2013

http://www.southernoregon.va.gov/docs/Sourcespringrr2013r.pdf

private email to a two friends......what it is really like

hi,

I have provided an exact copy of an email sent to my friends which tell the truth of the challenges, horrors, and the gift of a good life on hormone treatment.  This journey is not easy nor for anyone that wants to give it less than 100 percent effort.

I will not toe the line of a subculture that endorses secrecy at the expense of lives.  So many "transgendered" women have gone through what I have with no support only to commit suicide. Why? From my prospective the secrecy is because of the fear of losing their hormone prescription. The lack of support and understand contributes further depression which results in suicide. (one study states the attempted suicide rate is 30-50 in the transgendered community)

I have edited out some portions of the email because as much as I have the right  to go public my friends have the right to their privacy.


here is the email below:


hi,

I have to share a copy of my blog stats with the both of you. I was
crying and in disbelief of where the audience of my blog has gone
since the publication of the veteran's administration  article.  I have found my work with
the veteran's administration  and the blog to have made  a profound difference in my life.  to
actually see people from so many countries viewing what I write about
my life is profound and has had a positive affect on my attitude and enable me to survive the hormone replacement therapy.
There are no words to describe the impact the both of you have had in my life.

June 4 will mark the 22nd month of hormones replace therapy. I can
honestly say that the hormones are raging nearly 24/7 .  I have never
felt the pull like this with the hrt treatment. I am becoming more
feminine and my right hand dominance has switched to left.  I do
everything in my life with my left hand. I have picked up a pen to write with my left hand only to realize I am suppose to be right handed. I am  learning to write with
my left hand. for the last few months . I realized last week I cannot fight it any longer and I have started to practice printing with my left hand.

the journey is getting more and more intense. I am literally holding
on by a thread so many days but I seem to find a way to overcome the
challenges and move forward. there is a coworker at xerox where I work
now and she says she was made to do female things when she wanted to
do male things growing up.  we talked a few times and she is convinced
that I need to speak on the local radio here. I tried to explain that I
have tried to talk to the local media but they are not too warm to me.
This woman says that is their problem. " you need to help the younger
generation."

I feel the moral obligation to speak but need a little more time. Once
I am settled in my new apartment and have job which is more stable I will
speak in public but until then I will work on my blog and my personal
life. I am seeking work in sales field outside of the call center and once I have found a direct sales position I will be in a position to speak in public.



I believe all the struggles and challenges while I am on hormones have
increased the effectiveness of the estrogen. i have seen this  every
time I overcome a new challenge. how? I can feel the surge of estrogen in
my body beyond what it ever has been before.  The empowerment of the
challenges are proportional to the effectiveness of the estrogen. I
believe what happens is with the combination of the estrogen growing
and expanding the neurons of the brain and the new path ways I create
because of the challenges has accelerated the overall effectiveness
and rate of the hormone therapy.

I have  new friends at work and well , as usual, the women in my life
are the source of my energy. They have make me feel safe and have empowered
me.  I have been able to let my guard down and enjoy who I am in a
company atmosphere.  The conversation with my friends at work helped
me grow into more and more of the woman which  I sought to become for
decades.  One woman and I are flirting with each other very openly.
Portland is a very different environment compared to where I lived for
so many years.

I think the reason for my rapid success on hrt is a combination of my
environment in the VA health care system, portland, and my work
environment. This combination has created a nearly perfect environment
for the estrogen to work most effectively. I believe with each step of
 empowerment it will increase the effectiveness and help me heal and grown.

I believe it is both nature and nurture when it comes to hormone
therapy.  one without the other will only return marginal returns but
both return a life that few have the opportunity to enjoy. i am one of
the lucky ones and from what I see one of the few that talks about it
openly. The women at work are amazed at my strength to speak about my
life.  I try to explain to people that I receive 10 times what I give when I
speak of my life and challenges.

I had not yet met one transgendered woman I could have a heart to
heart conversation. all my close friends are women. the fact is I don't have female , male, black, white , lesbian,
hetero friends but I have friends and all of them happen to be women.
I have friends where we have many other things in common other than our
gender. we speak of politics , religion, work, etc and yes some
gender. but the gender issue does not dominate the conversations.

I am struggling more and more with sexual reassignment surgery. to be
perfectly honest I am crying each night and morning about this issue
and it is very hard to cope with most of the time.  The only thing I
can do is save money for the surgery and it can not come quick enough. I am
glad I have so many women around me to help me understand so many care
about me.

 although at times there are some suicide thoughts which are
preceded by thoughts of why am I like this and why can't I get the
surgery yet?( had a made the choice to surround myself with the
people who focus on negatives in life..... I might not be here otherwise dead...... so many blame
society for everything that is wrong with them..... at some point  one
must move forward with their life......and engage society and the
challenges that come with it)  again I have chosen my support network and friends very carefully which has made a big difference in my experience on hormones. 

the bigger issue I thought of the other day could be? what if after
the surgery it is even more challenging? it is my prospective that nothing is like it was in past nor will it be in the future or today. my mindset and prospective can change suddenly by the day or hour.  this medicine is , in my words, the most dangerous medicine one can put in her body.  it changes who you are to the point ... as one woman told me, " rachel it is not that you changed , it is how fast you changed."

you cannot understand how scary this is for me.  I don't like the same foods, movies, everything and anything has changed.  the scariest part is that there is no one to talk to about it because of this wall of secrecy . The doctors and providers cannot help because no one talks. This is total insanity. A doctor who is on the WPATH board I talked to is right, my experience too, " they will not talk to us nor you." But , I , Rachel, will talk to the doctors and providers and anyone that will listen.  The real story needs told. If not me , then who ????



 I think my forward thinking
is an asset which helps me cope and realistically look at my gender
issues.  my secret is I have brought so many women close to me because
I knew it would be a difficult journey. I thought bringing so many
close would help me go off the medicine if the doctor recommended it
any point. I now think no matter what I would resist any reduction or
removing estrogen treatment .  everything is well monitored but it
still scares me to think there is a possibility what if?

I am in a space I did not conceive nor thought existed.  I am praying
to god that I can make it through this journey and heal myself and
others. I honestly cried today because I feel like I have almost made
it to the other side  of the fence in my personal life. I have no idea
how I made it this far in only two years when I was "trapped " in an
apartment in Pennsylvania less than 3 year ago. I asked myself why do I have so
much and yet others struggle with no or little support. I am compelled
to talk and help. I have been blessed with gifts and people in my life
only god could have provided.

I know before I spoke at the regional conference that if I did not
speak the opportunity for someone like me to speak may not have
happened for decades.  I took it so serious and realized the impact I
could have on the heals of the death of my mother. But I had no idea
people would know about me from other countries.  I cannot stop what
was started back in feb 2012 nor do I want to.

thank you so much ,

rachel


Rachel Reid "woman of her dreams"  •  Stats  ›  Audience
May 25, 2013 9:00 PM – Jun 1, 2013 8:00 PM NowDayWeekMonthAll time
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A facebook link that is so me omg

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=645012705513486&set=a.396404140374345.108259.396384613709631&type=1&theater

if you cannot see the link. it says:

I am not a princess.... I don't need saving.  I am a queen.
I got this shit handled.

fromthebusywomenguide.com

also here is another one that is so me:

"The woman  who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd.  The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before.

by albert Einstein

mental challenges, sexuality and god

What is it really like in the privacy of my apartment and what do I really think doing my private moments. I hesitated to really write about this personal information but I can no longer keep so much to myself. I think telling this will help me and so many others in the transgendered community any well beyond. 

Once I am in the safety of my own apartment and there are no worries about verbal or physical assaults what is it really like in my mind?  (Yes even in Portland there have been , although few, verbal threats, physical assault and once a man showed me his knife.  Portland is safer but not safe. No one in the world am I totally safe but I will take Portland any day of the week.)  My hormones seem to surge especially during the hours of 3-6 pm. 

Lets get personal about what it really is like in my mind? Can you imagine getting sexually aroused and wanting to masturbate and reaching between your legs and stop because of your sex organ does not match what your brain says should be there?  This is me on hormones and I stop masturbating because I don’t have a vagina.  The problem is I get more aroused sexually then any other time in my life and 99 percent of time I stop because I don’t have a vagina. I cope via my drug, food, 

I have cried myself to sleep and cried until I could not cry anymore.  I know in my heart that mentally I am ready for the sexual reassignment surgery mentally nor financially but physically I am lacking the most important part of my body , a vagina.  I know so many other transgendered women say, “ it is surgery or suicide?”  This is , in my opinion, the problem itself .  The surgery is not a problem because the core issue is in the brain.  The surgery is part of the process and when do get the surgery is the most critical part of the puzzle.  Rachel’s theory:

There is a window of opportunity while hormones where if you get the surgery  too soon…. Or too late …… you might not only become very disappointment but due to the statistics I would say there is a good chance you would, that includes me, commit suicide.  The key is know in the middle of the biggest crisis of your life how to raise the monies necessary for surgery and when to actually have the surgery performed.  You, I, need to do this with no feedback from anyone in the transgendered community since they don’t talk to anyone and no advice from the doctors.  The doctors really have no sound advice because the entire subculture has decided that they should not talk about the “journey.” 

I have made peace with the fact I am a experiment and when, not if, I have my surgery I will share all I can with the doctors and have the Portland VA complete my follow up care.  Why? In all honesty there are no experts in the field.  The experts here have made the occasional mistakes with surgeries and overstate the actual number of surgery they have performed. What do I mean? When doctors in the united states speak of sexual reassignment surgery they are including breast implants, facial reconstruction and anything to do with sexual reassignment.  This is a problem.

The mental health issues surrounding this disease are understated my patients and the community in my opinion.  Let me go on record and speak from my heart:

It is my opinion that the life of isolation which so many of us experience in the community has come an enormous price, deep depression and anxiety and probably along with some PTSD.  Why? Holding something this big inside and hiding it from everyone you love and come into contact takes amazing concentration and makes you obsessive about protecting your secrets from anyone else.  So I think it is very possible like myself I was in fight or flight mode for decades and this did not come without real life mental health consequences.  The way I coped was overeating, pornography, and in the past alcohol.  I have progressed far enough to eliminate the pornography and alcohol but binge eating at night is a real challenge to me.

It is also my experience that when I am in fight / flight mode my estradiol is totally ineffective. This experience was revealed when I had panic attacks when on estrogen.  I felt no effects of the estrogen treatment during the times when I had panic attacks or felt threatened nor safe in my environment.  When I feel safe in my environment the estradiol is like your high at times and this is when I know the estrogen is working it magic . This is also when I am challenged to grow in the moment and compelled to deal the my demons.  When I meet the challenges I have found that the estrogen has brought profound changes in my life.  I am speaking of the healing of my mental health which has helped me in my professional life an private life. I think the secret of this drug is the more of function member of society you become more the drug works.  There is nothing that can prepare you for the challenges of estrogen treatment.

Now for the dirty secret of the transgendered community. again this is my opinion based on the fact I isolated myself for better part of 30 years.  I could not figure out why my experience was so much different than others in the community then it came to me about one month ago.  If I chose to isolate like I did less than 2 years ago on hormones I can see where suicide would become an option for some. My experience is different because I don’t have transgendered friends.  Some of you might say, “ Rachel what is wrong with you?

I am a lot smarter than I think I am.  You will see what I mean in one second.  I don’t have transgendered, gay or lesbian , black  friends but I have friends.  “my gender is not the totality of who I am.”  So I am friends with people I share common interest with and this gives me many, many different prospectives.   So, I don’t isolate on estrogen but instead I engage more and more in society which has given me vastly different results on estrogen.

Trust me the challenges and pain of this disease are nothing less then …. No words to express how it pulls you and nearly tears your heart in pieces most days.  My strength is in the women I choose to surround myself with.  They women of strength and “hold me up” but never enable me.  These same women never, never give me a pass and constantly say ,” Rachel you are going to make it and you are a lot stronger then you think>

By god’s good grace I have spiritual women who came to my rescue at most critical time of my life or I would be dead. It is my belief had I chosen to isolate I would/could have been one of 30-50 percent that commit suicide but my decision to go public with the VA back in 2011 altered my experience on estrogen. It did not make it easier but instead it made it harder and more challenging but it was the big goal that nearly ensured my survival in this fight that so many in the transgendered community lose via suicide.

Honestly one of things I think of in my darkest hours is … on my head stone upon my natural death… I want it not to read, “ …. To the woman who almost made it… but it will read Rachel made and made it big and helped so many in the process.” 

I also will close with this statement: I have to be very honest and I would rather be killed on the street or burn at cross like Joan of arc than die in isolation a life I had less then two years ago. The isolation is a self imposed prison and self suicide method  because you die little by little every day until there is nothing left of you.

I know there are more of me out that are afraid to talk I hope in time my public blog and speaking will draw them out and little by little the misconceptions of this disease will disappear.. I really did not see myself as leader until I risk so much but what I received in return is the life of my dreams.

I have promised god that if you give me everything I want in becoming a woman I will help all I can.  He has given me everything one can imagine in 2 short years.  I came to Portland with a little money, laptop computer and a college education and risk it all. I have lost most of my family ties, my friends and through god’s good graces I have met so men and women who are giving me a hand up. In this process we help each other heal.

Thank you for allowing me share,

Thank you and god bless,

rachel 

 

women, men and sexual orientation... yes L is for Lesbian

 

I hesitated to write this blog because I really am not sure how much of my private life I should make public. But today I realized that the time has come to tell people what it is really like on this side because no one else seems willing or able due to the misconceptions of our lives, women less the physical anatomy. (warm up to next blog tonight on serious issues with estrogen treatment)

First my particular experience on hormones could be completely different than anyone else because I am on enbrel, injects for rheumatoid arthritis, and estradiol for gender identity disorder.  The combination of these two drugs makes my case vastly different and added to the fact that I am over 40 and pill form of estradiol.  I have been on enbrel since 1997 and on estradiol for nearly 21 months at this time. 

I have talked to many women, men and transgendered men and women in Portland since I moved here in February 2011.  However, I can say without hesitation that I have not met another “Rachel” that is in the transgendered community. The reason I say this is even privately no one in the transgendered community will talk to me of the challenges on hormone replacement therapy.  Many seem to want to focus on the physical changes in their bodies. From my prospective that is the least of my challenges the larger challenges is the mental transformation that is unspoken on line or off line. 

I once the pleasure of talking to a doctor who is one of the foremost experts in the transgendered community and he said, “ they, the transgendered women, will not talk to you nor us.”  I would like to say I was shocked but the fact is that reflected my own life experiences. So when I am going through of these changes I have no one in the transgendered community to use as a sounding board nor compare their experiences to mine. The transgendered community has really , as far as I can see, a “ wall of silence” not only to the entire public but anyone inside it too.

Who do I rely on for help and guidance, women.  Women know better than anyone what is like to go through puberty which is essentially what I am doing at in my 50’s.  The women in my life “ hold me up” and about a half dozen have guided me through what I think is hell.  A woman in her 20’s recently echoed the comment, “ you are going through puberty.” I said, “ you get it.”

Who is a better expert on something than someone that has been on hormones for 10-40 years.  Thus I listen the experts on hormones , women.  The doctors don’t know what hormones does  to the transgendered woman because so they fear telling the truth could cost them their estrogen prescription.  This is the deep seeded fear I believe and in some cases it is well founded. In my case with the Portland VA it never has nor do I believe it ever will be an issue.  I have developed a trusting relationship with my therapist and the doctor who writes my estradiol prescription.  I am one of lucky ones that has a very transparent relationship between their doctor and patient.

How transparent am I? in an early blog I spoke of how my doctor and I were talking about the depth of the vagina.  I was so slightly irritated at the focus of the depth of vagina that I told my doctor, “ I don’t care about the depth of my vagina; I am a lesbian.” My doctor replied , “ok ms. Reid.”   

my sexual orientation seems to perplex men more than women. Since most of my friends are women and most are heterosexual I would say by talking to them my sexual orientation makes no difference in how we communicate. however with men this is a challenging topic. From talking to men they want to talk to me about sports and sometimes I  entertain them most of time.  This is my experience with gay men or heterosexual men.  I have had gay men say to me ." ...let me get this right.... you like women?"  I respond, :" yes."  

Just because I am a woman does not mean I am sexually attracted men and in my case no man is of interest to me.  I tried to kiss a couple men years ago and wow what a turn off.  But when a woman kisses me I have been known to melt in her arms.  The kiss of woman is an emotional connection to me and only a woman can turn this woman on .....lol

Rachel the marines and email from boss at fortune 500 company

I am most fortunate to work with management team that has been so supportive of me.  I actually resigned my position from the company and had rejected a promotion. but after talking things over with senior management I withdrew my resignation and accepted the promotion to sales trainer.  I was given total latitude in the material which would be presented in the classroom. this is unheard of in the sales field and shows the class, character of a man and a women at this fortune 500 company.  both of them have never waived in their trust and faith in me.

I delivered in my first training class and on the first day they,people I trained,  constituted 40 percent of our  sales.  I was under a lot of pressure while on hormones which complicates the whole picture.  From the company prospective I delivered results that have never been seen in just one week.  

Prior to the training class my boss sent me an email of what is called the "marine maze." my boss's reference to this maze is I never quit and the drive in me is as strong as any us marine. I hate to admit it but he is right and when the pressure is on my marine training proved over and over again we marines are special .  the few the proud the marines.

 shhhhh don't tell anyone because I am so  soft spoken but driven like every other marine and we never quit in our pursuit of a goal. I think it is a mix of rachel, the marines, and my life experiences that prove the edge in my ability to grow while on estrogen treatment and  working in one the most hostile work environments , a call center.  Then I decide let's really put the pressure on myself and challenge the corporation to change to a professional sales organization and I will not only lead the way but take on the responsibility of the sales of the company.

I also was so bold to go to my boss's office two months ago and say, " give me 60 days, the authority to complete the job and if I fail you can fire me."  Who would be so bold and brave.... rachel

once an air force vet ask me , " rachel if you could go back as rachel and someone from your old unit ask for help would you go."  I said, " that is not a question.... the answer is yes." She  said, " that is what I like about you marines."

http://www.hyscience.com/maze.jpg