What is it really like in the privacy of my apartment and
what do I really think doing my private moments. I hesitated to really write
about this personal information but I can no longer keep so much to myself. I think
telling this will help me and so many others in the transgendered community any
well beyond.
Once I am in the safety of my own apartment and there are no
worries about verbal or physical assaults what is it really like in my
mind? (Yes even in Portland Portland Portland
Lets get personal about what it really is like in my mind?
Can you imagine getting sexually aroused and wanting to masturbate and reaching
between your legs and stop because of your sex organ does not match what your
brain says should be there? This is me
on hormones and I stop masturbating because I don’t have a vagina. The problem is I get more aroused sexually
then any other time in my life and 99 percent of time I stop because I don’t
have a vagina. I cope via my drug, food,
I have cried myself to sleep and cried until I could not cry
anymore. I know in my heart that mentally
I am ready for the sexual reassignment surgery mentally nor financially but physically
I am lacking the most important part of my body , a vagina. I know so many other transgendered women say,
“ it is surgery or suicide?” This is ,
in my opinion, the problem itself . The
surgery is not a problem because the core issue is in the brain. The surgery is part of the process and when
do get the surgery is the most critical part of the puzzle. Rachel’s theory:
There is a window of opportunity while hormones where if you
get the surgery too soon…. Or too late ……
you might not only become very disappointment but due to the statistics I would
say there is a good chance you would, that includes me, commit suicide. The key is know in the middle of the biggest
crisis of your life how to raise the monies necessary for surgery and when to
actually have the surgery performed. You,
I, need to do this with no feedback from anyone in the transgendered community
since they don’t talk to anyone and no advice from the doctors. The doctors really have no sound advice
because the entire subculture has decided that they should not talk about the “journey.”
I have made peace with the fact I am a experiment and when,
not if, I have my surgery I will share all I can with the doctors and have the Portland VA united
states
The mental health issues surrounding this disease are
understated my patients and the community in my opinion. Let me go on record and speak from my heart:
It is my opinion that the life of isolation which so many of
us experience in the community has come an enormous price, deep depression and
anxiety and probably along with some PTSD.
Why? Holding something this big inside and hiding it from everyone you
love and come into contact takes amazing concentration and makes you obsessive about
protecting your secrets from anyone else.
So I think it is very possible like myself I was in fight or flight mode
for decades and this did not come without real life mental health consequences. The way I coped was overeating, pornography,
and in the past alcohol. I have
progressed far enough to eliminate the pornography and alcohol but binge eating
at night is a real challenge to me.
It is also my experience that when I am in fight / flight
mode my estradiol is totally ineffective. This experience was revealed when I
had panic attacks when on estrogen. I
felt no effects of the estrogen treatment during the times when I had panic
attacks or felt threatened nor safe in my environment. When I feel safe in my environment the
estradiol is like your high at times and this is when I know the estrogen is
working it magic . This is also when I am challenged to grow in the moment and
compelled to deal the my demons. When I
meet the challenges I have found that the estrogen has brought profound changes
in my life. I am speaking of the healing
of my mental health which has helped me in my professional life an private
life. I think the secret of this drug is the more of function member of society
you become more the drug works. There is
nothing that can prepare you for the challenges of estrogen treatment.
Now for the dirty secret of the transgendered community. again
this is my opinion based on the fact I isolated myself for better part of 30
years. I could not figure out why my
experience was so much different than others in the community then it came to
me about one month ago. If I chose to
isolate like I did less than 2 years ago on hormones I can see where suicide
would become an option for some. My experience is different because I don’t
have transgendered friends. Some of you
might say, “ Rachel what is wrong with you?
I am a lot smarter than I think I am. You will see what I mean in one second. I don’t have transgendered, gay or lesbian ,
black friends but I have friends. “my gender is not the totality of who I am.” So I am friends with people I share common
interest with and this gives me many, many different prospectives. So, I don’t isolate on estrogen but instead
I engage more and more in society which has given me vastly different results
on estrogen.
Trust me the challenges and pain of this disease are nothing less then …. No words to express how it pulls you and nearly tears your heart in pieces most days. My strength is in the women I choose to surround myself with. They women of strength and “hold me up” but never enable me. These same women never, never give me a pass and constantly say ,” Rachel you are going to make it and you are a lot stronger then you think>
By god’s good grace I have spiritual women who came to my
rescue at most critical time of my life or I would be dead. It is my belief had
I chosen to isolate I would/could have been one of 30-50 percent that commit
suicide but my decision to go public with the VA back in 2011 altered my
experience on estrogen. It did not make it easier but instead it made it harder
and more challenging but it was the big goal that nearly ensured my survival in
this fight that so many in the transgendered community lose via suicide.
Honestly one of things I think of in my darkest hours is …
on my head stone upon my natural death… I want it not to read, “ …. To the
woman who almost made it… but it will read Rachel made and made it big and
helped so many in the process.”
I also will close with this statement: I have to be very
honest and I would rather be killed on the street or burn at cross like Joan of
arc than die in isolation a life I had less then two years ago. The isolation
is a self imposed prison and self suicide method because you die little by little every day
until there is nothing left of you.
I know there are more of me out that are afraid to talk I
hope in time my public blog and speaking will draw them out and little by
little the misconceptions of this disease will disappear.. I really did not see
myself as leader until I risk so much but what I received in return is the life
of my dreams.
I have promised god that if you give me everything I want in
becoming a woman I will help all I can.
He has given me everything one can imagine in 2 short years. I came to Portland
Thank you for allowing me share,
Thank you and god bless,
rachel
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