women, men and sexual orientation... yes L is for Lesbian

 

I hesitated to write this blog because I really am not sure how much of my private life I should make public. But today I realized that the time has come to tell people what it is really like on this side because no one else seems willing or able due to the misconceptions of our lives, women less the physical anatomy. (warm up to next blog tonight on serious issues with estrogen treatment)

First my particular experience on hormones could be completely different than anyone else because I am on enbrel, injects for rheumatoid arthritis, and estradiol for gender identity disorder.  The combination of these two drugs makes my case vastly different and added to the fact that I am over 40 and pill form of estradiol.  I have been on enbrel since 1997 and on estradiol for nearly 21 months at this time. 

I have talked to many women, men and transgendered men and women in Portland since I moved here in February 2011.  However, I can say without hesitation that I have not met another “Rachel” that is in the transgendered community. The reason I say this is even privately no one in the transgendered community will talk to me of the challenges on hormone replacement therapy.  Many seem to want to focus on the physical changes in their bodies. From my prospective that is the least of my challenges the larger challenges is the mental transformation that is unspoken on line or off line. 

I once the pleasure of talking to a doctor who is one of the foremost experts in the transgendered community and he said, “ they, the transgendered women, will not talk to you nor us.”  I would like to say I was shocked but the fact is that reflected my own life experiences. So when I am going through of these changes I have no one in the transgendered community to use as a sounding board nor compare their experiences to mine. The transgendered community has really , as far as I can see, a “ wall of silence” not only to the entire public but anyone inside it too.

Who do I rely on for help and guidance, women.  Women know better than anyone what is like to go through puberty which is essentially what I am doing at in my 50’s.  The women in my life “ hold me up” and about a half dozen have guided me through what I think is hell.  A woman in her 20’s recently echoed the comment, “ you are going through puberty.” I said, “ you get it.”

Who is a better expert on something than someone that has been on hormones for 10-40 years.  Thus I listen the experts on hormones , women.  The doctors don’t know what hormones does  to the transgendered woman because so they fear telling the truth could cost them their estrogen prescription.  This is the deep seeded fear I believe and in some cases it is well founded. In my case with the Portland VA it never has nor do I believe it ever will be an issue.  I have developed a trusting relationship with my therapist and the doctor who writes my estradiol prescription.  I am one of lucky ones that has a very transparent relationship between their doctor and patient.

How transparent am I? in an early blog I spoke of how my doctor and I were talking about the depth of the vagina.  I was so slightly irritated at the focus of the depth of vagina that I told my doctor, “ I don’t care about the depth of my vagina; I am a lesbian.” My doctor replied , “ok ms. Reid.”   

my sexual orientation seems to perplex men more than women. Since most of my friends are women and most are heterosexual I would say by talking to them my sexual orientation makes no difference in how we communicate. however with men this is a challenging topic. From talking to men they want to talk to me about sports and sometimes I  entertain them most of time.  This is my experience with gay men or heterosexual men.  I have had gay men say to me ." ...let me get this right.... you like women?"  I respond, :" yes."  

Just because I am a woman does not mean I am sexually attracted men and in my case no man is of interest to me.  I tried to kiss a couple men years ago and wow what a turn off.  But when a woman kisses me I have been known to melt in her arms.  The kiss of woman is an emotional connection to me and only a woman can turn this woman on .....lol