my state of mind and pushing forward now

by jun 15 I will have set up a site for funding my surgery. i am hoping that some monies will be raised via the site.

today:

that is fine ... next wednesday...... i am ok.... the moods are
becoming , as a doctor would say, more pronounced and the highs are
wow and lows are even lower.  i am feeling more feminine by the second
then i remember what is between my legs.  the depression and thoughts
of suicide are more frequent, honestly daily, but the fight to live to
have surgery and a gf is that powerful but i am holding on for my
life.

i must be doing better physically and mentally, in some ways, my blood
pressure was 109/69 today and i have not had numbers that good in a
long time.  i just need to lose the weight and find the heart to
publicly raise the money. i think raising the money makes me feel like
i am a doctor operating on myself.  i am in a crisis and managing my
own crisis.

i have good people around me but each day is a challenge but then i
think at times how did i make it this far because this was not suppose
to happen. i am coming out of my maladaptive dream world and as i do
more and more each day i need surgery. there is only one solution to
my problem that can possibly heal but it could kill me.

then i read how girls have had the surgery are not coping well after
the surgery.  one girl had surgery who had arthritis in her spine and
now she is claiming she has arthritis pain all over her body. as sue
would say that is what she is telling us. i have had some good friends
and mentors and all i know is my experience is as real and it is as
honest as i can make it and the other stories are just that.

I am going to go to the store later and buy cheese, milk etc and cook
baked macaroni for supper. i am going to try to walk around the rose
festival tomorrow . i was thinking i have lived here 3 yrs and finally
i am relaxing and i can enjoy portland. i have been on the run for 55
yrs ... but i can feel as i cry.... i think i am going to make it
...... the problem is my prospective of what i see everyday
changes.... and i can feel it in the moment . this is overwhelming to
my mind.

i see my therapist monday and i have a call into her to verify the
time for my appt monday so i will talk to her later today.  my mental
state will not improve until i have surgery and my goal is make it
through the day alive and take not a step forward but a half step at a
time.  there is no other way to do this from where i sit.  it feels
like a marine walking through a minefield..... but every step seems to
be something new for that day or hour or min or sec.

but as clint eastwood said in kelly's heroes .... we are move out and
pushing forward...... i have to laugh.. that is a gift from god or i
will be dead...... you are so right i could not do this until now
because everyday i see more and more of what i learned over 50 yrs
will be needed just to stay on the road.

how i have changed, thoughts of suicide and people around me

Hi

what hormones are really like and how much surgery would mean to me :


this morning was a normal day to me where i cry when i get up , when i
exercise and well i cry some more. it is becoming harder by the second
to wait for surgery. this morning and yesterday the light headedness
was back again but it seems to have dissipated now. I am still very
conscious of how i walk and i am walking much softer then before with
my hips swinging back and forth. I think this is because i know it is
safe to be me. i was hiding so much and why because people would
physically hurt me or kill me. i know all of this but that is why i
spend so much of my life in my fantasy world.

so this morning i made it through doing the dishes without breaking
down. yes that is a big deal because this left orientation is nearly
breaking me. how bad is it? if i am going for the frig and i am
turning to my right i will stop mid way and turn to my left. i mean
who would not be challenged by such a change in their life?  this
happens all the time in my apartment because i am confused in the
moment and this causes me to go into fight or flight and switch to
right orientation but then my brain detects this and reverses course.

I had to learn to shave, peel potatoes, cut onions and everything with
my left while my hormones are raging like never before so cooking
breakfast this morning and doing the dishes without a break down is a
big deal. however, i hate this word but, when i was arranging my
heating pad i became so frustrated i had a mini melt down this
morning. i cried and cried and said to myself what is wrong with me ..
why am i like this... please just send me to white city this is too
much for me...... this is not party over here ......... then somehow i
allow myself to cry and move forward. i don't know how much more of
this i can take. i know the hormones are for me but the anxiety and
depression of my gender and abuse overwhelm me in the moment.

i am fighting for my life to be me.  i am tired of fighting all i want
a gf and to cook my cookies. that is it. is that asking society to
much for?  then i think of the surgery and it is not the money. i have
no idea of what i am getting myself into ? i mean if one thinks of the
surgery i am asking someone in a foreign country to do and hope it all
goes well.  but this is what i think i planned all along but
consciously it was hidden from me because to accept all that i am yrs
ago would have killed me mentally ... literally.

my case is typical but the people in my life are anything but typical
from the ........................... many others. i think that we
all gave each other a chance to know each other where others in this
subculture would make you all walk on pins and needles.  this i don't
understand as a human being. i understand the fear of pulling my
hormones as i did today because i am sick i was thinking the first
thing they will pull are my hormones. i get why others go to the net
and other sources and that is because of the heartache of losing what
is essential to our existence. what i don't understand is no one
outside the subculture knows what it is like to be us? true but bruce
once told me he was given 6 mos to live. the man knows about how
precious life is and how close he came to losing his life. people will
understand if everyone gives them a chance. i think this is why my
experience on hormones is so different.

also it is the portland culture or the people of portland. today i was
talking to a girl attending portland state and she said she is
studying to be a therapist lol...................... we all were
pulled together because of this other girl that was crying. i kinda
read her eyes and she read mine and we began to talk. none of this
exist where i come from and the conversations i have had in the va and
in the community have moved me so far in so little time.

i just want the last component of my life ..... to be direct a vagina.
 the pretending needs to end for me asap.  when i think of cutting my
penis which is a here and there i think if i do that I cannot have
surgery maybe?  when i think of suicide the other day i must have a
pretty smart mind... i started to calculate how much the VA has
invested me in dollars and cents. it is a very large number before you
calculate the intangible ..... my relationship with the both of you.
if i would commit suicide or try to ... i could cut everyone along
with me. i do not think i will commit suicide because as dr gipson
told me i am out to prove something.

i am out to prove that a woman like me can make it and talk to others
from the prospective of a real story not one that is politically
motivated.  i started out thinking i want to prove i can work the
stripper pole by night and executive by day. lol.  the chances of the
stripper pole are almost non existent.

then i thought today how will i act in a functional relationship when
i have never had one?  i some times jump when others touch me .. this
is women.  the major factor is the world as i knew it is gone forever
so my first kiss with a woman.... cuddling ... i am thinking my
hormones might surge and i might , don't laugh, have panic attack when
i kiss a woman for the first time. i did not sign up for the intensive
estrogen. i signed up for the breast, gf and job....... however i seem
to be able to make rational decisions whereas before estrogen i did
not care about the mannerisms of my friends i do now.

i am sitting her thinking of my first kiss , my first ..... i would be
happy when i don't have to say i have not had surgery yet to a
potential gf.  then there is the potential i will lower my standards
to just have sex with a woman. people wonder why i am crazy at
times... all of this is overwhelming. sadly i hear so many in the
groups talk of some of the same experiences as myself and yet still no
one speaks up in the groups.

i noticed today that if my arms feel heavy that means i am not sitting
up straight and it is going to kill my back later. all of this did not
matter 3 yrs ago but it does now but am i ready to face my biggest
demon? surgery???? and the after care involved with surgery?  I told
peter i will have my fund raising site up by jun 15 so that means i
have to come to terms with a lot in the next 2 or so weeks.  one is i
will make a video for the site and then pray.... and pray.....

rachel's prospective on the va issues that are in the national news in the usa

here is my prospective of the situation:

my prospective in the va issue in the news ...my experience at the portland va in oregon has been excellent... sen mccain outsourcing pcp is not realistic because where are the funds going to come from? the issue is not the va as much as the funding for the va continues to drop as move veterans enroll in the health care system. also the veterans are typically older and need more intensive care thus there is an increased cost per patient. sen mccain should push for allocating more dollars to the va and at the same time address this isolated incident. rachel

off of topic but i have been treated excellent by the staff and despite my me ruffling feathers from a nurse to a dept head all have treated me with a great deal of respect.  on the few times i disagreed with decisions i discussed with providers of why my treatment was going in the directions it was . then we, me and the staff, would come to a compromise or I came to understand what they were doing was in my best interest. it is very hard to make a rational decision when your hormones are pulling you like you have your period every day. 

the news of how bad the va is not reflective of many veterans i talk to in my travels. many, many veterans are grateful and value how they are treated and the quality of treatment. it is my opinion that the va is being held to a higher standard then the private sector and this is discrimination.  if you look for dirt you will eventually find dirt but if you look for gold and the good in people you will find them in the va.  this is hot button to me and to other veterans because we value our relationship with the va which is being misrepresented in the media. 

i searched high and low for any media outlet to do a positive story on the va and there were no takers yet the media would have written up a nasty story about a transgendered veteran if she had been treated poorly by the va.  the fact is scandals sell in our society today and this is the sad truth of society today.

I have never failed anything in my life, i will never quit

I would rather die on the operating table in thailand then back away from surgery. I am betting on God, my friends and my will to live and my pure history of never failing anything that I did not want to achieve.  i am betting my life on me and my friends. 

Hi

I think the reason I am having so much trouble has nothing to do with estrogen but I have no foundation as a girl or woman.  My life has not been about womanhood but about my independence. To my I define independence as being living as who I want, where I want, and surrounded with good people.

I realized this last week that my fight was not about womanhood as much as my true independence.  I could have started hormones in Altoona, pa but the results would not be close to the success I have had in Portland. It has been the combination of the estrogen, the VA and the Portland community. It has taken all three for me to begin to heal.  Because being part of a community where you are valued as a individual who has a voice is far more important then the drug. Estrogen has so little to do with how far I have come in the last 3 yrs.

I realized today I am a strong woman who has never taken the easy way out in any aspect of my life when I had a choice.  I could have chosen to stay in the marines for 20 yrs or after my first two tours but I opted to take the risk and go to Penn State. The fact is what I thought were risk were very calculated risk which were outweighed by the benefits. From me joining the marines, Penn State, Sales career, raising my daughter and deciding to break away from my ex girlfriend and opt for the grant per diem. Nothing was an accident in my life, nothing.

I was thinking of how my life on hormones was so different because I took the road less likely taken by others and I was able to navigate what seemed like an impossible route. But in reality it was the next logical step in my life which because when I joined the marines in 1976 then followed by requesting the orders of another marine to Hawaii which meant I had to extend one year of service in the marines. This enabled me to travel beyond California where I was stationed to 7 countries before I was 21 yrs old. This one move seemed to be risky but thinking back what if I had settled for the 3 yrs in California I would never made it outside the united states. Thus I would have never been able to see Australia, Singapore, Hong Kong, South Korea and the Philippines etc. 

Then in 2011 came another calculated risk when I was on hormones I asked the VA what standards of hormones are being applied to me. my real goal based on what I perceived as a wall of silence between the trans community and the doctors was to speak to the doctors and providers to bridge this gap. This willingness to speak and go against so many in the community who do not trust the medical providers because , more then likely, the fear of the doctors pulling estrogen from the patient. I leveraged myself with an outside provider fearing something that was not true. ( as ziglar would say fear is false evidence appearing real; or as a psychologist told me once your perception is your reality and I was wrong ) But by stepping outside the box and asking to speak put me in a position where I did not believe in my heart would happen but I turned to my sales training to sell myself and experiences to the VA for simply the opportunity to speak. What I earned what the respect of so many and the experience of a lifetime which tested my heart and will to do what I said in a traumatic moment in my life.

When I asked and I was offered the chance to speak at the regional VA conference in December 2011 I had no idea my mother would die days before the speech. Upon learning my mother had died I thought in the moment no one would fault me for not speaking giving the gravity of the pain in my personal life. But in the moment I thought that an opportunity like this would not happen again for a very long time. So in a crisis I decided to move forward as difficult as it was but I knew shortly I would go into shock. My awareness of the crisis in the moment is a gift from god. so based on that fact on the day after my mother died I wrote my speech the best I could in the moment. I am glad I did because by the 3^rd day I was in shock of the death of my mother although I knew she was sick I did not know she had so little time to live.

I was taken by the fact that the woman I had contact at the regional office never once asked me do you think you will be ok since your mother just died to give the speech. That simply fact and faith she had in me made a big difference in my life. Not only was a given a chance to speak where few have a chance to speak but the faith in me amazed me at so many levels. This level of confidence in me I believed accelerated my mental healing and the effectiveness of estrogen because I was compelled while just starting hormones to write about my personal life and present it in a public forum in front of so many VA leaders. 

This one event changed who I was as a human being and the faith the leadership of a medical provider had in me had a overwhelming positive impact on my life. What did I think in the moment?  I thought I was doing this for so many others veterans but the fact is although I spoke for other veterans I did it for me. as ziglar would say the goals are not as important as who you become in the process.  This was the biggest sale of my life and I had to sell one thing, myself.

My down to earth approach about me as person is what people related to in so many ways. At one point in the speech I made the comment about if I can raise a teenage daughter by myself I can do this  so I thought? That drew a few laughs because it connected with my audience since most were parents.

At the conclusion of my speech a man who had a leadership position in the Regional VA told me , “ as a gay man I can relate to your experiences.” The impact of this speech and the relationships that have been cultivated over the past nearly 3 yrs has changed me not only a woman but as a human being.

This experience gave me the confidence months later to go to my manager in the call center and propose a solution to increase sales. I closed the sale with “ and if I cannot do it you can fire me in 60 days.” What I previously thought were risks were calculated risk which turned out to alter my life and benefited me as a person.

I have had a big role as Rachel then Don in society and this has altered my experience on hormones and continues to propel me forward at a exponential rate. Because I put myself in a  leadership role in the VA and in corporate America I have benefited greatly but only if a few good women gave me the chance they did in 2012.  It was simply they gave me faith to be me and that is all I wanted all of my life.

I do not think my success with my surgery is assured but it is more likely because of the relationships I have carried forward from my experiences in life.  God bless myself and the people in my life who gave me the chance to believe in myself which is just beginning.

My breast, women, hormones and more on surgery

Hi

I keep forgetting to mention about my breast and a change that I have not read anywhere to date. My breast, before estrogen, did not have the appearance of veins in them. however about one year into the estrogen treatment one day I noticed a vein that was noticeably large and it made me cry because I wondered what had I done to my body. Now my left breast looks like the tributaries of the Mississippi. There are several veins and I can see them reflecting off of the mirror. That is the breast that has 3 non cancerous cysts in them. on that note I all need is some ovaries and some other equipment I am ready for a baby. 

That may be the reason I am attracted to 20’s women? I have seen many younger women in Portland who have babies and I would do almost anything to breast feed a baby with a girlfriend.  To me that is gold.  On that note my neighbor ...... Is she long term dating material ….. let me get back to you on that question lol.

Oh I was thinking of documenting my surgery and I was crying last night because at one time I would like to document a before and after picture of my crotch. Now I do not want any before but after pics would be ok.  Once it is gone I want to never see any pictures anywhere what was not suppose to be there in the first place. 

I was also thinking once the surgery is over I really do not have any long term plans for my life. This is a problem so I need to figure out some long term goals over the next few months other than surgery.  one long term goal is to find a girlfriend and date without pulling up my skirt up on the first date. Sorry but I am way too anxious to know what it feels like as a woman.

If I did not think due to aids and other sexual transmitted diseases are in Thailand I might have a good chance of not coming back as a virgin woman. But given my knowledge of the area I think I will wait or ?  I have to be very careful of my mood before and after surgery. why before? I know I could find a woman in Thailand for very little money for a night before surgery. I acknowledge it is an issue and I want it all or none with a woman so I should be safe on that issue. However on the after surgery I am having thoughts and fantasies of how firm is the 6-8 week wait for sex if it is with a woman? I would go into detail but I think that would cross a friend boundary. 

In my mind the surgery is next month which is 10 months out.  However should the crowd fundraising efforts come through I could move it up but I don’t want to move it up too far because I want to be in better physical shape and lose some weight for a better recovery time and possibly saving my life in a complicated scenario with surgery. 

On surgery I looked at the surgery facebook page and I am more sure every day that some of the girls are getting referral fees to point others to their doctors. Apparently Dr. Saran has visited south Korea and he is going to implement their technique for facial surgery. even now that makes me cringe thinking of my face all bandaged up and god forbid he made a major mistake I would make sure he remembered it in more ways then one. Wow that sounds like my mother.  But facial surgery is pretty far out for me at this point since I cannot put anything of the table at this point. I say at this point because I understand from my experience with hormones nothing should be taken for granted. (srs, facial surgery, suicide ,etc)

I keep thinking of my arthritis flaring up with the pain I have tonight coupled with an anxiety attack after surgery. Wow so many variables to think of and I hope I can find someone to go with me but I am very prepared to go it alone and pray to god it all works out.  I have waited long enough and I will know no more next year about surgery then I know at this time. Unless the earth is swallowed up my a giant star system or the doctor in Thailand disappears I will have surgery next February.

........... Can you tell my hormones are raging? After 6 pm I can laugh hysterically and I know it is because of the hormones. this started right before my hormones leveled out. my therapist asked me if I was ok and I said as long as I don’t have a melt down. It is uncontrollable at times but sort of under control but sometimes  I can laugh and laugh about absolutely nothing.  I stop myself from laughing because I can feel it is too much and i might have a panic attack. Another thing I have noticed is I sneeze a lot sometimes when my hormones are raging. Like right now lol. The sneezing has happened for … probably since month 30 on hormones.

I was thinking of Thailand and how different this time will be compared to my last visit in dare I say 1979.  I have to understand how I react to environments has changed so much that I have no idea of what to expect even on the trip in the airplane.  I have to find a way to afford at least 1^st class because with my arthritis will kill me with coach for 20 hrs in a tight position. I will do coach fare  but it is my preference to go 1^st class. if I could afford 4k for the airfare I would go business class where the seat folds out into a bed.

I would pay a pretty price to hear one true story we all could verify before heading to Thailand but that is doubtful.  I have read of no verifiable story on any continent when it comes to srs. Although I am going to try in the coming months to find out if the doctor can provide me a woman to watch over me after both surgeries.  I really hope to find someone to go with me but I have no idea how to look for someone to go with me that can take 2 mos off for both of the surgeries.  I was thinking of a medical student or ? who knows? I can only imagine what someone would do if I began to bleed out. I am sure I would calm myself down but I am not totally sure of how I would react since I have never had anything close to this surgery. with my gall balder surgery in about 1990 I was a baby when it came to pain so I had my mother wiping off my forehead of sweat because the pain was pretty bad since the doctor used the old method to remove my gall bladder. The  scar from the gall bladder surgery  looks like a war wound and I have had more than one doctor say what is that?

Ohhh my case manager made the mistake of asking me about support from such groups as the veterans for human rights? That lite my fuse since the secretary of the group approached me with the question? Are you from Portland and then proceeded to “educate” me on how things work in Portland. ( glbt unity is non existent)

So as I dance around how mentally to approach surgery? ask my peers? Pass!!!  Then there is the issue of how I will get around when I come home and how to get someone to pick up my food at the store etc.  I think I am not suppose to walk the stairs for one month but that should not be a problem since I will stay in Thailand for 3 weeks after surgery. the problem is how I lug up my 60 lbs of food at times up the stairs if I do that I will surely do some damage.  This surely is more than a Band-Aid like ....says and it is really a platter full with my multiple health issues. But like .... said of my ability to train agents if it was easy anyone could do it.  But I hate to be the first to open the door that talks so openly about a surgery with so much I do not know nor  perhaps a question I have not even thought of at this point.

I think others put if off, even with monies in place, because wow think of it? The doctor in the states or Thailand will slice and dice and you pray it all turns out ok?  The number one complaint I have heard of is the depth of the vagina cavity. My doctor says there is no extra charge for a graft for a deeper vaginal cavity. But even with a graft I have heard girls only have a depth of 5 ½ -6 inch most of the time. this is  almost a non issue for me because of my sexual orientation. To quote myself no penis will go in this vagina. I thought I had said something not so direct to dr... but that was in a typed document by me. opps sorry dr ....  ( I do remember a woman from NY told her depth was only 3 inches and she thought the doctor had promised more but it would mean more money and probably the graft I speak of ) ( note that is why the doctors are so successful marketing the removing part of your colon to add additional depth to the vagina cavity. Wow I cannot imagine the complications from that type of surgery.) sorry the last note I wonder at times if I am not insane because since I know women very well by now… men are less complicated.... some of my latest thoughts on sexual orientation but I am who I am and I am glad I love women.) 

Another thing is my surgeon told me my surgery will take 2-3 hours yet others have said six hours.  I guess all I can go on is what I experience before and after the surgery.  to say I am not terrified would be a lie.  I am very concerned even after everything is ok after surgery. what if something inside leaks. I have to laugh it is not like I can call rotor rooter omg.  If that happens I am sure the
VA will do the necessary test and tell me what they think is best. I would say that sounds good to me. I mean what  would we have to compare it to with no existing complications stated by others. My transparency may save my life but it probably saved my life already with my thoughts of suicide in the past. To think how could I  keep all that bottled up is a scary thought. 

I have leaned on the both of you,........... from women’s crisis and now...... current therapist.  Not to mention I share my story every time I am able  with others. My transparency has helped me process and stay above water so far. Sad I will quote dr. ....but he is right, “ so far so good.” I do not want to under estimate what can go wrong on hormones or surgery.

I cannot imagine how hormones will effect my body after surgery. there is the line of thinking one should lower my estradiol after surgery? yet one power point recommends upping sprio. I hate to be my case manager in a crisis and my doctor rx my meds.  The fact is in large part I am self diagnosing because there is not much data to go on and the idea that one should use how you feel to be the sole determining factor on how much estradiol or spiro goes into my body is insane in my opinion. This is simply not rational and ….. I don’t know what to say

I remember.... asking me if I wanted to be part of an experiment at one point long ago? The fact is I was one and am one because of all of the unknowns.  I had no idea how complicated this whole process would be from the beginning and may be that is why I had so many listening to what I say is they knew there are so many unknowns about this disorder and estradiol etc.  to think a grad student looked at me for two sessions and wrote me a letter of recommendation for hormones which outside in eventually approved hormones for me is insane.  It is harder in other parts of the country but it is too easy in Portland. The prospective in Portland  is it is our god given right to do whatever with our bodies.  There are not enough measures in place in some places of Portland to protect the patients from possible abuse. This is my prospective from my personal experience on hormones. also a natural path doctor  RX my estradiol and portrayed herself as an expert on hormones who is listed on TPI referral sheet where my name appears as resource.  (TPI is a non profit and contractor the va uses for veteran services in Portland)

I am going to come up with a list of what I need to do before Thailand and date to complete each.  First I need to make sure I set up at least one crowd fundraiser on line.  I would try to fund raise in Portland but it is political and that I am not a part of so I doubt that is an option. I will talk to my case manager at Portland women’s crisis center if she has any ideas of how I could fund raise in Portland of if her organization could sponsor me in some way for fund raising efforts. I will reach out to the people I have met in Portland and see if their organization can help me. I am well liked just not in the some of the GLBT community lol. 

...............

I really think my approach and the whole idea of this is a group project takes a huge amount of pressure off of me. I think it is transference of feeling like making a sale. basically what I am doing is selling me and the story.   It is inconceivable for me to keep quiet after surgery as I thought of after surgery and someone coming up to me and saying “ so you were a man… with a penis….” My response might be, with my hands on my hips, and…” where did I get that attitude ? My mother.  My mother would say and Donald? Then I would try to explain why I did not want to do it and she would say and.  Well you know me I would not do it until I had no other options but under protest. I have been like this all of my life but only with women in the past. Now both women and men see the real me.   

rachel's prospective on my life and my mental mindset

as i prepare for surgery and funding it on February 6, 2015 here is an email to a friend.

hi


i think in the wake of my mother's death and the death of paterno (PENN STATE)  was a one two punch for me.  I tried to brush it off in the moment and the speech helped but it has taken this long to move forward because on that day i saw my mother's death on line with paterno overwhelmed to the point i did not know what to do. 

i grew up with my uncle attending penn state and he graduated in the 60's and was very proud of penn state. I looked up to him almost like a father figure because he worked as a milk man or whatever while paying for psu with the help of the GI Bill via the army.  thus i really wanted to attend penn state and it was my dream to graduated from psu and that i accomplished.

i lived a gifted live relative so so many in society with two tours in the marines, big time school education, sales career and raised my daughter for 13 /18 yrs by myself. i really moved away from what my family wanted me to do and i have achieved independence of what I have accomplished in my life on my own terms.

i had a low GPA going into my senior year and i consciously made a decision to take on three 400 level courses only to have my father die during that semester. i could have rolled over and pulled out of college but i pushed forward because even since my father was the first to die that was close to me i understood the goal was important to me.

i realize now that Penn State and the Marines have so much in common. first the PSU motto is "excellence" and from the marine prospective we strive for excellence and we never quit and we find a way to win. this is so much part of my life that i just put it together today.

if remember so many doubted PSU would beat Miami but we had faith and we had a player that was not very tall as a defender called ray " the hitman" iceman. we, the fans, nicknamed him that because once he hit you , you usual went down hard.  i have worked hard all of my life but i could not put the pieces together until now.

i am a winner like my role models in society and we never quit and winning is not assured but we seem to find a way to win.

.... helped me go from a transgendered woman to simply a woman that is all i ever wanted to do. i am a country girl with simply and strong values.now i have to go through surgery for all the people that help me get here and all the girls that never make it this far. it is for all of you and me. the game is on the line and i want the ball.  i think i just blended the past with the present and i am going to talk to my friend in portland about thailand again. she goes great if not i am going even if i have to take 3k and pack my belonging into a storage shed.

rachel friends and suicde is not a solution and why

here is a private email to a dear friend

i actually was one of the girls at penn state with my friend ...... in college. but as rachel i have not found a group i can hang out with yet. it also is the fact i will not compromise my principals to find drinking friends because i remember those days and they were not real friends.

i actually talked in trauma class about how i was friends with the strippers. but i never told you that how they behaved did not jive with my principals. i actually thought of going to a strip club like before but thanx to you and .............. when i thought of suicide to be blunt.... i think of you ,.................., and how my therapist cried when she had to let me go as a client. the va others know and the one i know are so different. you all gave me a chance and i gave you a chance to become friends. 

i saw first hand how the glbt activist think when i was on the train the other day. it makes me sick to my stomach that they are the face of people like me. my people are you, ......... and others

i would , as i cry , not trade one of you as my friend. in my eyes i have the dream team on hormones that no one can possible imagine that is possible. it is possible because we see each other as friends and much more. i am blessed by god to have had you and the others in my life. 

thank you so much for your friendship and belief in me. this is the difference in my life that pulls me from actually suicide. the thought that i would not  leave you and others hear.... " ohh i heard rachel committed suicide ... wasn't she a friend of yours." i cannot and will not allow that to happen to my friends. it would be like i took you all with me and i cannot hurt you like that. that is why i am so different because i understand how i would hurt you and ............ i cannot imagine what ......... would do or think if my friend had to call my old therapist and say  hear i committed suicide. all of you have invested so much in me as a human being and i acknowledge that with this there comes a responsibility to your friends. i swear as god is my witness on my grave it will say the girl who made it because of................... and others. i cannot fail because i will not let you and myself down. the task is so big but i think in my heart one day it will all come together.

thank you from the bottom of my heart

my grandmother and bonds with women

sorry for the typos no time right now to proof read

Hi

What and why I try to avoid working out in the mornings? I know for a fact, not why, exercising through some mechanism increases the effectiveness of estrogen. This in turn starts the process of pushing my body and mind to adapt to the increased effectiveness and thus the memories that are buried deep in my mind. This is why I think you are unearthing the devil at times.

This morning was one of the worst of my life.  I was crying on the floor as I stretched and suddenly I began to cry so violently that I shook my head. At this instant my mind had a flashback of my childhood. ( this is what estrogen really does) I remember crying exactly like I did this morning when I was a child. the event I remember is I was at my grandmother’s crying uncontrollably and my mother said to my grandmother, “ I did not touch Donnie and I do not know what is wrong with him.” My grandmother then asked me what is wrong? I said, as I cried, “ I don’t know.”

I do know now why I was crying as a child in that instant this morning.  I was so confused of my environment that I could only do one thing and that is cry. I really did not know what was wrong when I was a child. but I do know after today that my mother would make me pick, for instance, one coat or another coat when buying winter coats for me. I did not want either one but she was insistent I pick one of the coats. I would say, “ I guess that one.” Then I would not want to wear the coat and she would say you picked it. I would say you made me pick the coat.

It is becoming more and more clear that I knew when I was a baby who I was in this world. I can remember back to a time frame I have pinned down between 3-5 yrs old.  I know this because we only lived in this apartment in my hometown during those years of my life.  I am afraid I will soon be overwhelmed with what I knew when I was a baby to 2 yrs old. this actually is the critical time of my life because my mother more than likely went back to work for mcdonnell douglas aircraft corp where my family worked. Yet I am pretty sure that my grandmother baby sat me while my parents worked. This is not fact but there is a strong likelihood of this because of a picture my grandmother gave to me before she went into the retirement home. 

I think I was very close to my grandmother because … I was close to my grandmother because my mother told me on many occasions to go with my father while my brother and sister went with my mom. She compelled me to go with my father when I told her I wanted to go with her. Since my father was not a nurturing man and my mother did not want me particularly too much but only offered conditional love which I detested I was driven to my grandmother. 

So my grandmother did not live with me but she was my real mom. This revelation today was not really nice… as I cry….. I was not wanted by either parent since I like to spend time with both my mother pushed me away and my father wanted a man.  But my grandmother told me she loved me and hugged me a lot as a child.  she never abandoned me and I miss her so much. I wish she could see me now.  I am crying and crying…….

I know so much more every day it is so overwhelming. People say I wish I knew etc from my past believe me you don’t want to remember everything like I do.  I am do defiant of people because of my mother and her sister and how they treated me different then my brother and sister. 

I knew my grandmother loved me and she told me more than once if my parents threw me out of the house I could stay with her , my grandfather.  I just wanted people to respect me and my nuclear family did not want me. it looks like it was gender but it was all about my independence but gender was used to justify not talking to me at this point in my life. 

... was right I never was quiet because there was always someone in my life that had my back. When I was a child I challenged my mother and father because I knew my grandmother had my back and she was my strength.  There were times when I was told to do things and I would say something like “ I wonder what grandma would say about this.” ( I knew it was something that was not right and I would challenge my mother)  my mother would say, “ your grandmother does not run this house.” Then I would say, “ right?”  then my mother would say, “ that is right mister so get it done.” I would say, at times, “ let me think about it.” My mother would say, “ get moving if I will smack your ass ().  I would finally say , “ I guess so.”  This all started when I was younger and as I got older I became more challenging and my mother would get in my face and I had the look of the challenge is on and this was true of the relationship with my father. ... is right all I want is respect. I had no respect from my mother nor father so I gave them none.

But if my mother said, “ I am going to tell your grandmother.” I would think let’s not go that far lol.  My mother would ask me throughout my life why is it that your grandmother can get you do things and you will not do them for me. that was because my grandmother loved me and showed me through her actions and words.

I thought today who in my family is a loving person like my grandmother? there is only one me!!!............

All I know is the love of my grandmother is in me. she was my first mentor, friend and a woman of god.  I frustrated her many times in our lives but she never turned her back on me.  she was proud of me and when her .... did everything in their power to get my grandmother to turn her back on me she refused. Not only did she refuse she brought me closer to her. I think my grandmother was ashamed of how her daughters treated me.

My grandmother born in 1909 had strong morals, character and a deep belief in god which taught me.  I am so much like my grandmother but in my journey before hormones society had stolen my identity and my morals and principals did not matter. Now with my gender reset to what I should have been raised my high moral character is a challenge because there is a wide side that wants to do what a 20’s woman would do such as strip or date...........  This is a serious challenge and it will be hard to tell the first woman no if she comes on strong.

This brings me to how the physical therapist touched the back of my neck in assessing my pain. I was really shocked at how sensitive I am about being touched by anyone. I am a totally different person now and I am very scared of how I may react to a kiss from a woman and more. I think I am right! The world as I knew it will never be again and each new experience is just that new to me.  my mind is having a hard time adapting to the same environment as a new environment every day. This would include a trip to the supermarket.  This to me can overwhelm me. this highlights how fast my brain is changing and how hard it is to keep up with the pace of the estrogen or whatever is going on in my brain.

. I am getting more comfortable with myself. I just noticed the other day that I put on my lipstick in front of a full size mirror. I know why I did  not do that for so long and that is because it reminds me of watching my mom do that when I was a child. 

If I can hold on I think I will heal my soul but the future is so uncertain in my mind.  But for the first time I see hope in my life that surgery is down the road but that terrifies me to death.  Someone is going to slice up the back of my penis and make it into a vagina.  It makes me cry because I am not sure I will live to tell about it but others have? Why don’t other talk about it? Every time I try to talk to someone that lives close to me that has had surgery they do not answer my email or facebook message. Why is everyone hiding? What are they hiding.

But most of all why if I have sexual relations with a woman that is too rough too soon and I tear something? How hard can I push my body to work, sex etc …. There is no one to bounce this off of that I have met in person or on line. In fact I have tried to talk to a few in public and they simply ignore me like I am not talking to them. why? Maybe it is they do not want to be recognized as transgendered woman or different type of woman? 

The only people that seem willing to help me and talk about hormones are women. I think I have found my comfort and home with women.  I am not hiding from a community because I have been talked to women like my grandmother since I was child. there was no transition for me with women since starting hormones. The difficulty has been men.

I will have been on hormones for 3 yrs in august of this year.  I have to say I have had surreal ride in those three years. But all of this was started by my grandmother who taught me about creating relationships. The relationships I have today are the difference in me as a woman and the woman around me guide me no matter where I go in my life. This would include the VA, corps , Portland community, non profits, etc. it simply does not matter where I go I have learned an indispensable skill of creating relationship and nurturing them while keeping what is talked about to myself. This has created a deeper trust and relationship which has defined me as a woman. This is the Rachel difference on hormones.