the blue bike, walmart, and the montreal canadiens of 1993

Hi

I was in walmart today and wow I went into shock and barely could stop the tears from flowing down my face when I was a young girl with a very pretty blue bike. The incident gave me an immediate flashback of when I asked my mom for a girls bike that was baby blue just like the one I saw the girl pushing at walmart today. 

What did I think? That will never be me but it could have been me. but in my family if they really knew who I was and I had told them I would have been punished via corporal punishment more than I was already receiving at home. I am unsure of how my friends would have responded in the 1970’s since there were no known lesbian or gay children at the high school.

The only time I had ever seen girls like me was on the television where a tennis player Renee Richard came out to tell her story. I was quickly corrected by my mother that she was a he. So I know how my family would respond to such a “freak” in their family.  My brother asked me I was listening to that queer on the radio? I was listen to Elton John and when my brother made the comment my father laughed.  I said I just like his music. So it was not hard to conclude what others in my community and family would think or do to me. 

Then immediately after I walked passed the girl I headed to the sports section of walmart because I was looking for a foam football to use to stimulate my brain and use my left hand.  I know what I am trying to do but at 55 yrs old I am running into a time issue that no one can beat. I am trying to recreate my childhood so I can move forward and experience what I should have been encouraged to do as a child and this would include using my light hand to play baseball.  I even remembered today that I use to try to use my left hand to throw the baseball.  Every experience opens up doors to the past and that is hard to deal with in the real world while simply completing such task as shopping. 

I and others will never know my true potential because I was denied a childhood of growing up a girl because I am different.  So the way I talk, walk, think, act was directed by my family and society to the point I did not care what you did to me which left me clinically depressed to the point I ran away to the marines. That is not the action of a sane person but one that isolated and moved out of their parent’s home because they were not wanted nor respected.  This is why respect to this day is so important to me.

So I know now that I talk much softer, walked more feminine and my  mother and father actually not only told me but coached me and made me change the behavior to a more acceptable male type. I threw the baseball like a girl my father would say and he would taunt me so finally I got so pissed off I threw it as hard as I could and he would say there you go.  So I did boy things with so much anger behind and the anger and hatred was motivated by my father and mother who demanded  male characteristics.  Basically this is where I began to love to play football, baseball and basketball just to beat the men and that was the real goal.  None of this was necessary and the older I got the more I isolated because the more I understood who I was even in my mid teens.  Once I was able to buy my own stereo because of working I lived most of my time at home in my bedroom listening to music.

The key to what I was thinking was in the songs I listened to for example Helen Reddy’s “ I am woman,” Olivia Newton John “ Mellow,”  Kiss “ flaming youth” and most of all the Runaways with joan jett “ cherry bomb.”  I was in my own world most of the time and wore women’s thongs. I would hide the thongs and put the thongs on in the school band room restroom.  The only time I did not wear my thongs at school was when I had gym that day and I changed into no underwear to made the trip home so I was not caught with women’s thongs on at home.  I knew who I was as early as 13 yrs old and before that I knew I was different but I could not put my finger on it.  Then at 14 yrs old in 10^th grade biology we studied about transgenderism and then I knew I was not alone. the puzzle of who I am was solved but what to do was another issue about it. 

I think over and over how much more effective I would have been if people would have accepted me?  we will never know because the time is lost forever.  People say to me you have today but if I had been born with a vagina or in my teens to have surgery I could have felt between my legs long ago.

I know why I masturbated so much over the yrs before hormones and the answer is very simply it numbed the pain. I would go into my fantasy world and I dreamed of being with a woman but oddly enough not as a man. I thought for yrs that I thought of myself in my fantasies as a man but I did not.  So today I have no masturbated for nearly one yr at this point and why? I know what is between my legs is not a vagina and I don’t care if I ever have sex again until I have surgery. the only possible scenario I can conceive is pleasuring a woman but then how could she please me as I cry and cry?  This is a fucken nightmare and people wanna think that hormones make it all better. Hormones make it worse because you now know that your body and brain do not match. So you want surgery and will do what you need to do to get it and that means you will consider prostitution and that is where I am today.

Everyone says no no Rachel on prostitution. Have you any idea as I cry how bad each day is and the pain is worsening by the day exponentially.  How and what do I use to cope with this enormous pain? One word food and I have gained 80 lbs after losing over 100 lbs in my initial stages of hormones. now I need to lose most of the 80lbs to have surgery to be on the safe side to ensure the best possible outcome of surgery.

But now my face does not match a feminine imagine etched in my brain so I plan to have srs, facial etc so I can at least look somewhat feminine.  This is a nightmare unlike any I have even read about.  The lies and down playing what hormones does to the body by the trans and medical community is insane.  It is a fact you are in the fight of you life where others have failed, attempted suicide, committed suicide but above all never talk to anyone publicly after any surgery.  what is sane about any of this?

I am going on and on and I need to somehow focus and move forward while the hormones increase by the day or second while funding surgery and planning  a life after surgery.  this is why others have failed or they have decided to not talk. I can understand that the whole process takes so much emotional energy out of you that you simply have nothing left. So when the next girl starts her journey she is starting from scratch just like you. That is the sad part about the trans community and to that I have had responses it is the best we can do. I say we can do better.  The problem is I am carrying a cross that is so heavy that one day it may crush me and I could mental break or attempt suicide. anyone that thinks this is not possible is not looking at hormones from a realistic prospective.

I am looking for things to motivate me but the depth of this challenge is unlike anything in sports or sales etc.  It does remind me of the montreal canadiens hockey team in the 1993 stanley cup playoffs. In the playoffs the canadiens won 20 games and 10 of them were in overtime and what is so special is the team won all of this overtime games which is a record number in the playoffs. But in the final series with the Kings (los Angeles)  in the second game we were losing and the coach for the canadiens asked for a call on the kings player’s stick that was too curved. If he was right it was a man advantage for montreal if he was wrong it was a one man advantage for the kings. He was right and montreal had a one man advantage but the coach went for broke and pulled the goalie to give the canadiens a two man advantage. The canadiens tied the score up with seconds left and won the game in overtime. this is how my life is now where I am going for broke every day and when I go for surgery I am pulling out all the stops ( my goalie) and praying the surgeon in Thailand can stop the emotional pain and win this battle in the last period of the game of my life. I have no other option at 55 yrs old but to go for broke.

Thank you

rachel

more on political view and how i differ from other in the community

Hi

Wow things have come down to were I had hope they would not but I was painfully aware that others lack the character to stand with me against the true oppression created by the GLBT political action groups.  Whereas I have little to lose since I am not working at this time  and  I  live a funded apartment provided by the state of Oregon right now. I refuse to toe the party line that if we only had hormones and surgery we all would be happy. This is not the case and could not be further from the truth.  The depth of my pain which is paralleled to  many I talk to who go on Hormone replace therapy radically changes the brain and how you see the world to the point many stop hormone therapy.

This is also true of genetic women who start hormone replacement therapy and from a blog it is apparent that the age range of genetic women on hormones ranges from someone on their teens to the senior years.  So what I am trying to convey is gender does not matter when it comes to estrogen being used as a supplement to the human body.  The experiences are nearly identical and this probably is because that estradiol is an exact match for female estrogen molecule by molecule.  So that would explain in part why my experiences are so representative of genetic women but genetic women talk about hormones whereas the trans community does not even talk amongst themselves on the depth of their pain women do.  This is why couple along with the fact I have had more female relationships as friends then trans friends.  The open conversations I have had with women has help heal me.

But the point of this conversation is not about the hormone experience but how politics of the trans  community is effectively silencing the truth of the community.  The activist from Australia to Washington believe we all should walk and talk the same and promote that all will be ok if only surgery and hormones were approved more easily or at all.  The fact is when others start hormones they have no idea what they are getting themselves into as my mother would say.  Then we have the political activist in the proverbial bed with politicians who then change policy based on the activist whims which does little to help others. but it does help make it easier for the activist groups to raise monies for their specific organization all in the name of their special interest group. I am not a woman that will ever toe the party line and I take issue with the activist that continue to do what they need to ensure they raise more monies while making themselves look good in the public eye.

But then we have businesses and government leadership toeing the same line as the politicians so it look like to everyone on the outside that so much is getting done.  However it would be political suicide to say the trans activist do and behave in the manner I have described but someone in their ranks like me speaking out is unconscionable to the activist.  I have been belittled in public and one line because I believe that we need to look at each other as human beings. I have had such responses as “ are you suggesting we sit down with the cysgenders?” ( cysgender is the label some use to identify a genetic man or woman that lives as their birth gender) I personally detest the label and my response to this comment was , “ yes.” I was thrown out of a facebook group because the discussion was so heated and the next day the individual trans woman stated, “ there we always be someone to fight.” These are the types of people that are in bed with various political leaders, companies, and government agencies.

The time for me staying quiet has come to an end. I have talked to some in the trans community and on line and when I speak they all say, “ Rachel you need to talk.” I say, “ why not you?” sadly they say nothing or walk away from the conversation.  I think I represent the silent majority that have little say in what the public thinks who and what we are as a subculture. trust me what you hear activist say in the media is not me.

My political leanings are in the middle and to the right. Otherwise I am a fiscal conservative, social liberal who believes in a strong military and increased spending for our veterans who have served in wars where many of our brother and sisters paid the ultimate price of their life. A bleeding heart liberal I am not and in fact I despise the bleeding heart liberal that says poor me and we need more policies to protect our right by passing more laws to protect us. the fact is we have had laws on the books to protect African Americans and other minorities including women and the discrimination still is prevalent but it is more subtle now since the laws were past.

I have heard too many time behind enemy lines what some white males think of women and African Americans and it is not good. For instance I was working for a door to door book company and I was working my way into management when I was asked who do I think was a good candidate for the job of all the people we interviewed. I said the black guy was dressed the sharpest and I really like him as a candidate for the job. Without any hesitation the manager said, “ Don we don’t hire Niggers.” I shook my head in disbelief and this was 1988 in Altoona, PA.

I have also heard white collar men talk of what they think of working for a female manager. Some things I have heard is “ I will not work for a dyke bitch, give me five minutes to show her who is in charge, etc.”  this was the attitude of men in the marines and in the sales field where I worked most of my life.  I detested the comments and when I attempted to defend others I was label “ Nigger lover” or when I back the females men would say, “ what are you a bitch?”  I detest discrimination but equally directed at me or anyone else because it is wrong. You are basing your entire opinion of someone based only on their race, gender etc.

But equally important to me is the reverse discrimination I hear in the trans community directed at cysgender people and especially women.  This is my pet peeve of all pet peeves with the community. I have actually heard on many accounts “ I hate women.” Here is a personal example where I hear someone that identified as a trans woman say” I hate women.” 

I had just walked outside my work and a coworker pulled up her car and asked if I could talk to her because, the trans woman, was having thoughts of suicide. I said sure. So I got into the car and I said I will help you the best I can because I have gone through this too. then she said, “ I hate women.” I said why? At this point I did not know why but then she said, “ I hate women because they have a vagina and I don’t.” I immediately shut my emotions off because I was so upset that anyone would make such a statement. From this point on I tried to act as a therapist and go my way.  I told her I am sorry but all I could think of is all my friends are genetic women and so is my daughter and so you hate my friends because they have a vagina. This is not logical and I get it is ok to discriminate against others just as along it is not one of us. excuse while the marine steps in since I am so pissed off to say, “ fuck that.” Are you kidding me and sadly this is how some think the trans community. How many or what the percentage is I do not know.

So to recap it is ok to discriminate against other just as long as it is not you and above all we are not to talk to any outsiders of what the experience is like on hormones and surgery included.  Also the most striking theme is that even in the trans community who speaks of their nightmares and the challenges of hormones. so not a soul is speaking and lastly many activist refuse to be an education tool for the general population. To all of them I ask you a question if you want the general population to understand you how do you expect anyone to understand unless you talk. But more importantly if no one is talking about what it is really like and why surgery is necessary then how will the general public support as a whole surgery paid for by the government.

I do not perceive myself as a radical but simply a voice of reason where in the subculture lacks leadership, vision and the ability to trust others is lacking. This is my strength because of the marines but probably more importantly  I was trained by some of the best sales people in multiple product lines.  This sales training has help me effective communicate with people from different background from the people that happen to be homeless to executive directors. Also my deep belief in the zig ziglar sales system that each no is a step closer to a yes and his teachings that “ the goal is not as important as the person you become by reaching the goals.”  Ziglar has had more impact on me than anyone I never met and his methods work despite your product. I have sold aluminum siding, Kirby vacuums, cars and insurance and now I am selling me and my story and why it is important to others.

My prospective is different than others because of my ability to talk to people and by the time I was 20 yrs old I had traveled to 8 countries courtesy of the marines. After the marines I was educated at Penn State University where I met some people that were really school smart and others were business smart. For instance I had one professor in an international business class who had retired from Eastman Kodak after 31 yrs. Dr. Seyna had his 3 rules of think, plan and do. He talked about his experiences in the middle east and the customs of people in the middle east from real life interactions not a book.  Another professor that I was drawn to was my psychology professor who was a bit off to many but I spend many hours in his office just asking him questions. I also spend time talking to my French teachers who were from France in their office for hours. Diversity? One of my roommates was from Sweden and I became a honorary member of the Swedish club where I attempted to ski. My roommate thought it was easy but it was use to skiing in the French alps. I am simply drawn to people that are moving forward in their lives and in so many ways I have lived a blessed life.

If I had discriminated against people the experience of my life would limited prospective. Because I reached out to others outside my subculture in school, the marines, raising my daughter and beyond I have developed into a human being that see others as part of the human race. This prospective has given me the best chance to do something that others have never done before and that is share3 my experience on hormones. Then next year I will, in a worse case scenario, set up a skpe link for others to watch me before, during and after surgery.

 this is unheard of in the subculture and if I can point to why I am different it has to be the many perspective’s I have developed because of the diversity of the people around me all of my life. I am determined to open a door into a world that is so secret in some parts even I cannot get an invite. ( the doctor’s in Thailand have facebook groups and to join the group you have to have surgery schedule with that specific doctor, made a down payment on surgery, or have had surgery completed. Then you are assigned a identification number.) I am speechless on how secretive I have found this subculture to be and for me not to be able to access it info is wow.

By some I am sure I am viewed as a traitor giving up the secrets but if we are to ask people to understand us we need to share. That is a pragmatic difference between me and the other activist. Many , if not all, activist and groups want to educate the public but not me. I believe if I share my story I am helped many times over then the amount of info I share.

The illusion that the trans woman is the expert on her experience is luscious. How can I be a expert on my experience when I am in the middle of my living floor crying and thinking of taking a knife to cut off my penis. I cannot even think logically so how can I be an expert of that experience.  I can only tell others, to the best of my ability, what I thought in the moment when I was having an emotional melt down. How I was able to pull myself off the floor is a mystery. I think the drive to be me and my open story is what enables me to go forward with my life while viewing all of this as a group project. Where everyone has a voice and any prospective will help me learn about myself and become a more functional human being. this is my prospective on my experiences on hormones but surgery is a total mystery because no one and I mean no one talks about the emotional trauma of surgery. above all no one speaks even in quiet corners of how they were able to overcome the depression.  Why? I have not idea from my prospective .

     

my mentor my grandmother, my political ideas and more

 hi 

.........

I know because of all of this that my grandmother was my tutor and mentor on saying nothing and just listening like one does not know what is really going on in any given situation.  The fact is my grandmother was very smart and on more than one occasion I would tell my grandmother your children do not think you are that sharp anymore. To the that she would say I know but watch and let them do xyz.  One time my mother and her sister tried to pull one over on my grandmother and me but it was not to be lol. Then I told my mother grandma and I knew what you and your sister were doing and then we did abc. My mother looked at me in awe and my grandmother told me please don’t tell them again how we did it. I told my grandmother I just don’t like the idea they think you are not so smart now. That really bothered me because my grandmother was a sharp cookie in her 60’s, 70’s and almost until the age of 90 or so. She lived until she was 95 yrs old and only passed after her youngest son passed away. That is what finally did my grandmother in was the death of her son where this broke her heart sadly.

So as my mentor taught me over near 40 plus yrs of tutoring me on life and achieving ones goals to just shake your head ok just like a sales person and when the time is right you resolve a situation. This method served me well in the marines. It is not particularly good for a functional relationship but sadly great in today society where so much passive aggressive tactics are used to mislead and abuse others.  So when you think you are fooling me ask yourself one question do you think a student of a woman from 1909 who raised 5 children during the great depression from one of the poorest families in the area, who later owned a grocery store, would be mislead? My grandmother was a survivor like her grandchild because it is demanded in a society where being honest, leadership and character are trumped by politics. 

I have made mistakes but I have the values of a woman born in 1909 who is willing to be thrown on the street and take on all that would challenge her ethics.  I tell the truth and it gets me into big trouble. People including my mother would say, “ Donald your big mouth get you into trouble” and I would say you wanted to know what I think so I told you mother. 

I would also tell my mother why are you treating me like I am stupid. She would say I am not treating you like you are stupid. Yes you are because I know what you are doing and here is what happened and what was said.  Sometimes, like my grandmother, I say nothing and people assume that you can just use and abuse me but in all honesty I am probably the last person in the room you want to fuck with.  I let you do what you want and like my grandmother I will put you in your place.  I don’t like these kind of relationships but surviving in my grandmother’s world and in my world in a quest just to be me it has and will serve me well.

I truly just want to bake peanut butter cookies and be a wife to a wife. this is not something my grandmother would want but the baking cookies and a sense of family is everything my grandmother taught me that are what is important in life.

She encouraged me to go to college when my mother urged me to go to work in the railroad shops. I told her I do not want to work in a railroad shop and she said, “ Donnie go into the marines then go to college and leave this area because there are no real jobs here.” I said , “ I know grandma.” 3 yrs after leaving for the marines the railroad shops started to slowly close down because the US steel industry did not reinvest in their technology. It was replaced by japanese steel because of the more efficient Japanese steel plants. 

Despite any feminine characteristics  my grandmother would say I love you and all she would say when my mother would say Donnie likes the color pink,  Donnie.  I would say I really like pink grandma and the most important thing was she gave me the space to speak my mind and empowered me in a man’s world from the prospective of a strong woman.  This relationship was tested over time in my family but never once did my grandmother abandon me due to anything. She stood by me even when some members of my family want to out me and she never waived in her faith in me. I frustrated her and we challenged each other’s prospective but above all we respected each other. This respect was picked up by a senior manager at Xerox and this sadly is not an important to some people that are in my inner circle of friends and family.

Most recently my daughter and a friend from college have categorically put my gender issue under the column of mental illness.  That is easy to do if you want to distance yourself from dealing with a challenging situation. I mean my daughter and friend from college would have to accept and admit that I am not a woman but a man that is mentally ill.  But if you label me mentally ill now you do not have to understand anything and all the blame is on me and  how sad too.

It is true the people closest to you can hurt you the most.  My mother would say to me that “Donnie you want people to change and they are not going to change.” I really do think people are basically good but what I have come to find out is people are not willing to do the right thing unless there is something in it for them.  so much materialism in this world in my opinion give people a warped sense of reality. If you walked in my shoes for one week you would be very aware of how harder life is if you are born like me. the response once I am identified as a gender other than genetic woman ranges from putting your nose up to me, to aggression or even sexual aggression or more likely open conversation. But so many from the subculture say nothing to a stranger because I think they believe if you do not hear my voice you may not know I am a bit different but an opportunity to learn on both sides is missed in my opinion. I know it is so hard to take a pounding from an aggressive experience then bounce back to talking for pleasure.  It is mentally wearing to get beat up mentally over and over again. I get that.

I thought in 2011 and into 2012 I could make a difference in this world but I refuse to get involved in GLBT politics and toe the party line. There are many of us that just want to live our lives and it is my experience that politics to the left or right is simply politics and as my grandfather would say, “ politicians are a bunch of crooks.”    One of the leading politicians for the trans community states in interview, “ my life is fantastic, my family is fantastic and I am fantastic.” Really let me ask you something if everything is so fantastic why aren’t your children, family and friends on camera with you? The fact is hormones and the life I did not chose but it chose me is not fantastic. It is a nightmare beyond hell.

Many of us, including me, lose our entire family and friends to being in the gay, lesbian or a woman like me.  then there is a dynamic I never realized before starting hormones and that is so many lesbians’ families are not supportive or one family is and the other is not.  Plus just because you will talk to me in public does not mean you want to hang out with me or introduce me to your friends and family.  The continued secrecy and the lies of the trans community is what is killing so many of us and those who are supposedly leaders have no idea how to lead but they know how to be a politician with precise precision.  Like many businesses the community lacks leadership and the marines and my grandmother taught me very well how to lead and this it is important but not until I was me would that leadership ever come to light. I am the most reluctant leader you can imagine and I only step forward when a voice of reason is needed in aspects of my life. Ok I will say what needs to be said is where I am coming from.

Now in my mind I speak for the silent majority that are quiet because we do not support the politicians but many people in the general population think they speak for so many of us. the fact is that is the reason when I am talking to so many in private I hear over and over again, “ Rachel we have never met anyone like you.”
 I will never toe the party line such as we are one united front on all issues. If you are right about a topic I will support you but if I think you are wrong and I am passionate about the topic I will, like my grandmother, set the record straight on why in my opinion you are wrong.  I tend to align myself with women and not trans women but the trans women I have met in my personal life seem to toe the party line and/or  they are the drama queens. Rachel is only a member of the silent majority that has laid quiet for long enough.

I really have a goal of opening up the wall of secrecy of the trans community layer by layer.  The hiding behind our newly transformed body and surgery will not hide the pain for decades of being denied our true identity but blaming society and people that had nothing to do with it will never be my way either. This means many in the trans community and I are in direct conflict because I believe you must treat all equally as a human being.

The hatred of some in the community is really the nemesis of some of our sisters and brothers. The hatred drives them to activism so hard that there is no time for self inspection of our own personal issues. No matter how hard and how much you hate it will not ease your pain one bit but I can tell you one thing it does from my prospective create more issues. The hatred will turn off your hormones and put you in fight or flight mode.

I have  known of this issue for the last two yrs that anytime I am in fight or flight or misplacing my anger my hormones are so diminished that I cannot even feel the effect of the hormones. but when I am in a functional state of mind I feel so feminine and alive and my breast hurt so bad while I am light headed. This sounds so bad but this is when I heal mentally and, the more functional people that are around me, the more I grow as a human being. it is proven fact that we are a product of our environment. As ziglar would say if you wanna go forward surround yourself with positive people who are moving forward and positive thinking will get you so much further than negative thinking.

Recent research has shown that the larger your social network the larger your amydala will become which is the emotional control center of your brain. So thinking outside the box if you have a diverse network of friends from many backgrounds and experiences you will become more functional? Is that possible? I think this is why diversity is so important to our relationships and businesses but diversity does not have to mean GLBT.  If you strictly, as I make more enemies, have only friends in the GLBT community you will have a limited prospective however if you have friends who happen to be GLBT and ok it does not matter to me. I have friends or talk to people who happen to be gay, straight, bi, etc or black, white etc. I see people as a human being not a label.  This enables me to be drawn to many types of people and gives me multiple prospective’s. the diversity in my life compelled me to grow and think outside the box and resolve many of my own personal issues as I talk and talk each day.

I have this gift from god that I can talk to a woman at 181^st/ burnside ave in Portland that is homeless to an executive director and I treat each equally where I can learn something from each of you.  I have been avoided by people in homeless soap kitchen to directors and yet if I can get someone to talk I usually stand a good chance of finding something in common with almost anyone that is rational. If you are aggressive person and an ass I will avoid you like the plague and move on.  This is true diversity where you are draw upon your coworkers, managers, executive directors, homeless in the community and I will believe to the day I die I learn more from talking to people then I share.  This is something I learned while on hormones.

Well I have typed enough for tonight. I hope I have stirred some conversations at the dinner table and if so I have achieved my goal tonight.

Thank you

rachel  

rachel's fund raising site set up and contact number

hi

i am not sure how to post a link to my fund raising site but if you visit my facebook page you can access the link. my facebook id is rachel.candie.reid and it is one of my newest posting.  i will try to find out how to attach a link to my blog asap. i appreciate any help or assistance anyone can give me. i am in the process of searching for 1-2 women to accompany to thailand for my sexual reassignment. 

thank you

rachel

the funding source is www.gofundme.com
my phone number is , dear god i hope is not a mistake, 01-503-319-6038

where my mind is now ... dark place but

..........................think i need to consider moving to a smaller town in Washington state or south oregon.  the stress of portland is a major issue now and despite what my case manager sees i am much more fragile then i have ever been in my life. i have the same emotions as when i was a teenager. the woman from the tri cities asked me if my hormones were tested as a teenager. i told her know but i think i am predisposed because of my feminine qualities and how i walked etc. i also would like to have known what my hormones were back then.

i cannot get it out of my head that had i been on estrogen yrs ago i would never had developed RA? it is really possible since i am walking on the balls of my feet i have to develop diff muscles in my ankles and my inner thighs and this had taken the pressure off of my knees where i can stand for long period of time. why? i am crying could not just be me and not go through this hell. none of this was necessary except for the moral twisted majority.  i always knew who i was since i was no older than

i lost my life and memories as a girl because why? there is no damn reason.  people made fun of me, bullied me for so long and it will not stop unless i can find an environment that is safe. i am saying all of this and i am almost 55 yrs old. i am tired of crying ..... the memories that were suppose to be will never be...... i know god was laughing but so many beat me to beat me knowing who i was as a child.

i think over and over again .... i am terrified of this surgery and what if i mentally break in thailand. it will not be all fun and probably none of it will be fun then i think of facial surgery only so i can mentally survive the rest of my life.i am tired of hearing rachel you are strong... the amount of brain power and energy that was wasted and continues to be wasted because of society's view of me being a freak could be spend of a project that changes society. think about all i had to do to get this far and the brain power and emotional trauma?  where would i be if i was just little rachel? .........       the risk was too high for me when i was a child.

i hate my familyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy because i had to hide and hide .

..... i am glad we met but none of this part of life's struggles was necessary. noneeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

i am still fighting for me at 55 yrs old and to be taken to my grave when? i ask my self over and over why am i fighting and for what? to have a vagina so i can be buried as a woman?  my mother use to say donald you are too smart for your own good and maybe that is true. i see things for what they are most of the time and this struggle with my gender, work etc ... it is not rational

my life parallels the marines in the 1970's right now

hi

i swear the laughing in my face will never end. i am tried of crying and crying because my mere existence makes people laugh. i get it i never will be accept into this society as a whole.  i was so enraged that i went on the wrong train but before i did i went up to the two girls that were laughing at me.  i said," how is it going girls? then i said, " i see you were laughing at me..... " they both denied and shook their heads. i hope they got a good laugh at me and i am sure they will tell their friends like so many others in this world.

i wish god would come take me away or .............i am tired of fighting. i just wnat to go away and never have people laugh at me but if i do this i can never get surgery.  i am in between a rock and rock....

this reminds so much of the marines and how civilians treated us off base. one time in the marines off base my friend and i went to a restaurant and the waitress tried to sit us in the back of the restaurant. we actually had to talk to the manager and press the issue before we were allowed to sit in the front. i am not talking about the 1960's but 1978 there abouts. 

then other times when we,the marines, were at bus stops people would yell nasty stuff at us. we were just waiting for the bus that is it.  people would glare at us and whisper then laugh just like my laugh today. there is no difference in how i was treated while serving our country in the late 1970's and now, none.  people laugh, glare and do not dare come near me and above all will not be seen with me by a friend or family member. my life today is an exact match of how i was treated by society in the late 1970's while serving this country.  Portland is no different than any other city in the united states based on my 3 plus yrs in this city.

I am safe at work, the va but in the public arena it all depends but others avoid association with me because????

thank you

my fight to be me the early yrs in my family

hi

i have a dear friend that i worked with that told me once

Rachel I cannot not imagine you being quiet? He was so right and a mentor of mine too.

here is some new info on me and my life

Hi

I am remembering more and more of my past and how I did not hide one part of me but instead tried to push the proverbial envelope in the 1970’s.  I now can recall now not only when I fought with my brother that I bite him but I also pulled his hair, scratched his face with my finger nails. My mother did not like any of this and in response to my nails scratching my brother she cut them so short a couple nails bleed. To that she said, “ well you will know better not to scratch your brother next time.”

 I also learned how to put boys in their place by my sister when she kicked my brother between the legs. So I tried out on my dad when he was trying to teach us to box and he wanted to kill me as he grabbed his crotch nearly falling to the ground lol.  I think on another note my sister learned from me that girls have equalizers such as the baseball bat from me.  my mother would say, “ see your what you sister learned from you? “ I would say, “ well it works.”  I swear to god estrogen is like truth serum with all the memories it recovers over time. 

Each time I displayed any girl like mannerisms my mother would say , “ you are not girl so stop acting like one.” As I got older I would sit in my dad’s chair and I would play with my hair and I think I started to cross my legs really feminine like I did today. I had a flashback today of playing with my hair in my mid teens and my mother said,” stop playing with your hair and uncross your legs.”  Then my mother would make me sit up military style in the chair with my hands on my lap. 

It is very apparent that I knew who I was from a very young age and my , as I cry and cry, my family and especially my mother and father did everything in their power to stop my feminine tenancies.  Mother nature can be delayed but not stopped.  Today the flashback of playing with my long curly hair in my dad’s chair is just another piece of the pie that growing by the day and hour.  Today I felt so alive and so me and yet as I cry again people tried to tell me who I am and how I should act to the point I told my mother, “ now today please tell me what you want me to do because I cannot make any choices by myself. So please tell me what you want me to do.” She would say, “ Donnie that is not how it is at all.” I would say, “ yes it is….. I cannot wait until I am 18 yrs old and I will be out of this house. “ she would say things like, “ where will you go and it is much harder then you think on your own.” I would reply, “ I will find a way out of this house by the time I am 18 yrs old.”  I just did not think the way out was the marines and in all honesty this choice enabled me to travel to 8 countries by the time I was 20 yrs old.  This gave me a prospective of the world not taught in classes or read about in any books.

Another classic example of how I was told what I like and what I could do in my family was my first adult bicycle.  We went to JC Penny’s to look at a bicycle for me. So I saw a bike that was light blue and what is called a girl’s bike. My mother said, “ that is a girl’s bike.” I said, “ I like it because it is blue.” ( I knew what I as doing and trying to frame in a way I could get a girl’s bike.) 

The discussion with my mother went back and forth and she tried to lead me to a red Foremost , JC penney’s brand of bicycle. I said, “ no I like the blue bike.” My mother said, “ you cannot have a girl’s bike. she also said, “ you cannot go around the neighborhood riding a girls’ bike.” I restated I want the blue bike and my mother said, “ it is the red bike , boys bike, or none at all.”  I said, “ I don’t want a bike then.” When we ate supper that night she told my father of the incident. I know my father laughed at me so I said nothing. I was simply quiet like I was not in the room. Then my mother said, “ we are going back to the store and do you want the red bike or not.” I guess I will take the red bike. so like so many other times in my childhood I was pushed in the proverbial corner and compelled to say yes t things I really did not want. ( this would have included clothes for school etc.) 

My mother knew who I was from an early age but did she want to admit any of the above would be a question that could only be answered with she was in denial until the day of her death.  Deny it or not at every avenue I presented a problem for any family in the 1970’s because I was not quiet about who I was nor what I liked which clashed with the boy image that was etched in my parent head. 

What was etched in my head is a slender sexy woman which at 55 yrs old , as I cry, I am still trying to achieve and this should not be the case.  I am still crawling and scratching for every inch as I move forward with surgery. I have made peace with the thought that I am prepared to die on the operating table to become Rachel. I did not pick this path, it picked me. I would not wish this on my worst enemy because it is a hell no one can imagine unless you go through it like I have for the last 50 yrs.

Consciously I knew from no later than 12 yrs old who I was and in Miss Benn’s comparative literature class when we read the poem “the path least taken” I knew that was me. I envisioned as we talked about the poem how some go to the left, some to right and I knew I was going somewhere in the middle. Now I was posing myself with the question what did all my feeling me and I had no idea nor heard of the word transgender until about 2 yrs later when we learned about transgenderism in Mr. Carson’s Biology Class. I talk in such detail about the how I remember both events because it demonstrates the clarity of the memories that only I have experienced while on estrogen.  Also when we talked about transgenderism it shocked my mind so much, in the moment that I uttered my lab partners name three times maybe in large part because I as wearing a girl thong in class. So by not later than 14 yrs old I knew there were others like me.   

Also during this time frame I pointed out Renee Richards who was a tennis play who had sexual reassignment surgery and my mother responded. “ you mean he.”  So based on this statement and my mother’s reaction to so much of my feminine mannerism I knew with a almost 100 percent of certainty I would be thrown out on the street if I say I am like Renee Richards. I also told my mother,” I wonder what would happen if I ran away” as we watched a commercial to help run away teenagers? “  my mother said, “ you run away you better keep on going …… do you want to end up like them.”  my mother knew who I was from an early age and the soft spoken ways were becoming much more pronounced.

Then about 16 yrs old my mother caught me and we both knew it. I had a large bulge in my white tube socks and under it was a thong. She asked me,” what is that?” I said, “ I don’t know.” She then said, “ is there something wrong with your ankle.” I said, “ no.” she did not want to really deal with a Renee Richards in our upstanding catholic family where her sister was a former sister of the catholic church.  Then again I was caught but this was even more pronounced when she asked me ,” aren’t you wearing underwear… none of your underwear in the laundry?”  I said, “ I am wearing underwear and that was true but girls thongs.”  Then to be a smart ass I would toss in the laundry my boys underwear with sneaker marks on it. My mother said, “ I know what you are doing with your underwear.” This game and tit and tack went on until I left from the marines when I was nearly 18 yrs old.

To recap what my mother knew beyond the above: I asked her to help carry her purse, why she stretched out her pantyhose’s, and I even knew which ear rings went with what shoes.  I also watched her put on her lipstick and make up. Additionally I never missed an opportunity to learn about being a woman as I watched my sister put on makeup. my mother would say,” your sister does not need to watch her put on her makeup.”

My mother knew who I was but was in denial and tried to keep this family secret hidden like so many families.  She went as far as to tell my grandmother which humiliated me. I just wanted to be me just like now. Just like years ago I have to fight every inch of the way for only the reason that I am not in a social norm that no longer exist but in the minds of people think the world is flat.  This is my prospective of the whole situation and is as logical as the world is flat. One thing  is so many in society think in a one dimensional way but sadly they fail to realize with live in a multiple dimensional world that is evolving exponentially as we talk. 

My friends have many things in common but the basis of our relationship is we see people as human beings who happen to be black, white, male, female etc.  The diversity of my experiences with people throughout the world has helped me evolve as human being and the small town mentality that plagues so many never had a chance to seed it nasty self in me. 

why? My father was from New York City and my mother was from a small town so there was diversity in my own family. On one side of my family were racist which I detested and on the other side was to look at people as human beings. I made my own choices at a young age and I make no apologies for those who I have offended from my hometown. The racial slurs and discrimination in my area was rampant and this spilled over into women in the work place and me.  I am going on and on but the whole thing is diversity builds strong communities and relationships and that means people like me too.

Some will say you are so strong Rachel and I will say only as strong as the people around me. when I fall down which is often on hormones I have some very strong women to help me get off the ground.  but surgery will test my strength and the women around me but I have no doubt surgery will come about soon. As one friend told me long ago about surgery and my mission to bring it to the forefront in society, “ Rachel if you cannot do then no one can.”