private email to a two friends......what it is really like

hi,

I have provided an exact copy of an email sent to my friends which tell the truth of the challenges, horrors, and the gift of a good life on hormone treatment.  This journey is not easy nor for anyone that wants to give it less than 100 percent effort.

I will not toe the line of a subculture that endorses secrecy at the expense of lives.  So many "transgendered" women have gone through what I have with no support only to commit suicide. Why? From my prospective the secrecy is because of the fear of losing their hormone prescription. The lack of support and understand contributes further depression which results in suicide. (one study states the attempted suicide rate is 30-50 in the transgendered community)

I have edited out some portions of the email because as much as I have the right  to go public my friends have the right to their privacy.


here is the email below:


hi,

I have to share a copy of my blog stats with the both of you. I was
crying and in disbelief of where the audience of my blog has gone
since the publication of the veteran's administration  article.  I have found my work with
the veteran's administration  and the blog to have made  a profound difference in my life.  to
actually see people from so many countries viewing what I write about
my life is profound and has had a positive affect on my attitude and enable me to survive the hormone replacement therapy.
There are no words to describe the impact the both of you have had in my life.

June 4 will mark the 22nd month of hormones replace therapy. I can
honestly say that the hormones are raging nearly 24/7 .  I have never
felt the pull like this with the hrt treatment. I am becoming more
feminine and my right hand dominance has switched to left.  I do
everything in my life with my left hand. I have picked up a pen to write with my left hand only to realize I am suppose to be right handed. I am  learning to write with
my left hand. for the last few months . I realized last week I cannot fight it any longer and I have started to practice printing with my left hand.

the journey is getting more and more intense. I am literally holding
on by a thread so many days but I seem to find a way to overcome the
challenges and move forward. there is a coworker at xerox where I work
now and she says she was made to do female things when she wanted to
do male things growing up.  we talked a few times and she is convinced
that I need to speak on the local radio here. I tried to explain that I
have tried to talk to the local media but they are not too warm to me.
This woman says that is their problem. " you need to help the younger
generation."

I feel the moral obligation to speak but need a little more time. Once
I am settled in my new apartment and have job which is more stable I will
speak in public but until then I will work on my blog and my personal
life. I am seeking work in sales field outside of the call center and once I have found a direct sales position I will be in a position to speak in public.



I believe all the struggles and challenges while I am on hormones have
increased the effectiveness of the estrogen. i have seen this  every
time I overcome a new challenge. how? I can feel the surge of estrogen in
my body beyond what it ever has been before.  The empowerment of the
challenges are proportional to the effectiveness of the estrogen. I
believe what happens is with the combination of the estrogen growing
and expanding the neurons of the brain and the new path ways I create
because of the challenges has accelerated the overall effectiveness
and rate of the hormone therapy.

I have  new friends at work and well , as usual, the women in my life
are the source of my energy. They have make me feel safe and have empowered
me.  I have been able to let my guard down and enjoy who I am in a
company atmosphere.  The conversation with my friends at work helped
me grow into more and more of the woman which  I sought to become for
decades.  One woman and I are flirting with each other very openly.
Portland is a very different environment compared to where I lived for
so many years.

I think the reason for my rapid success on hrt is a combination of my
environment in the VA health care system, portland, and my work
environment. This combination has created a nearly perfect environment
for the estrogen to work most effectively. I believe with each step of
 empowerment it will increase the effectiveness and help me heal and grown.

I believe it is both nature and nurture when it comes to hormone
therapy.  one without the other will only return marginal returns but
both return a life that few have the opportunity to enjoy. i am one of
the lucky ones and from what I see one of the few that talks about it
openly. The women at work are amazed at my strength to speak about my
life.  I try to explain to people that I receive 10 times what I give when I
speak of my life and challenges.

I had not yet met one transgendered woman I could have a heart to
heart conversation. all my close friends are women. the fact is I don't have female , male, black, white , lesbian,
hetero friends but I have friends and all of them happen to be women.
I have friends where we have many other things in common other than our
gender. we speak of politics , religion, work, etc and yes some
gender. but the gender issue does not dominate the conversations.

I am struggling more and more with sexual reassignment surgery. to be
perfectly honest I am crying each night and morning about this issue
and it is very hard to cope with most of the time.  The only thing I
can do is save money for the surgery and it can not come quick enough. I am
glad I have so many women around me to help me understand so many care
about me.

 although at times there are some suicide thoughts which are
preceded by thoughts of why am I like this and why can't I get the
surgery yet?( had a made the choice to surround myself with the
people who focus on negatives in life..... I might not be here otherwise dead...... so many blame
society for everything that is wrong with them..... at some point  one
must move forward with their life......and engage society and the
challenges that come with it)  again I have chosen my support network and friends very carefully which has made a big difference in my experience on hormones. 

the bigger issue I thought of the other day could be? what if after
the surgery it is even more challenging? it is my prospective that nothing is like it was in past nor will it be in the future or today. my mindset and prospective can change suddenly by the day or hour.  this medicine is , in my words, the most dangerous medicine one can put in her body.  it changes who you are to the point ... as one woman told me, " rachel it is not that you changed , it is how fast you changed."

you cannot understand how scary this is for me.  I don't like the same foods, movies, everything and anything has changed.  the scariest part is that there is no one to talk to about it because of this wall of secrecy . The doctors and providers cannot help because no one talks. This is total insanity. A doctor who is on the WPATH board I talked to is right, my experience too, " they will not talk to us nor you." But , I , Rachel, will talk to the doctors and providers and anyone that will listen.  The real story needs told. If not me , then who ????



 I think my forward thinking
is an asset which helps me cope and realistically look at my gender
issues.  my secret is I have brought so many women close to me because
I knew it would be a difficult journey. I thought bringing so many
close would help me go off the medicine if the doctor recommended it
any point. I now think no matter what I would resist any reduction or
removing estrogen treatment .  everything is well monitored but it
still scares me to think there is a possibility what if?

I am in a space I did not conceive nor thought existed.  I am praying
to god that I can make it through this journey and heal myself and
others. I honestly cried today because I feel like I have almost made
it to the other side  of the fence in my personal life. I have no idea
how I made it this far in only two years when I was "trapped " in an
apartment in Pennsylvania less than 3 year ago. I asked myself why do I have so
much and yet others struggle with no or little support. I am compelled
to talk and help. I have been blessed with gifts and people in my life
only god could have provided.

I know before I spoke at the regional conference that if I did not
speak the opportunity for someone like me to speak may not have
happened for decades.  I took it so serious and realized the impact I
could have on the heals of the death of my mother. But I had no idea
people would know about me from other countries.  I cannot stop what
was started back in feb 2012 nor do I want to.

thank you so much ,

rachel


Rachel Reid "woman of her dreams"  •  Stats  ›  Audience
May 25, 2013 9:00 PM – Jun 1, 2013 8:00 PM NowDayWeekMonthAll time
        Pageviews


Entry   Pageviews
rachelwomanofherdreams.blogspot.com     2



Pageviews by Countries

Entry   Pageviews
United States   21
Russia  4
United Kingdom  1
South Korea     1


                Pageviews by Browsers
Entry   Pageviews
Firefox 20 (74%)
Internet Explorer       4 (14%)
Opera   2 (7%)
Safari  1 (3%)




Pageviews by Operating Systems
Entry   Pageviews
Windows 26 (96%)
iPhone  1 (3%)

A facebook link that is so me omg

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=645012705513486&set=a.396404140374345.108259.396384613709631&type=1&theater

if you cannot see the link. it says:

I am not a princess.... I don't need saving.  I am a queen.
I got this shit handled.

fromthebusywomenguide.com

also here is another one that is so me:

"The woman  who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd.  The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before.

by albert Einstein

mental challenges, sexuality and god

What is it really like in the privacy of my apartment and what do I really think doing my private moments. I hesitated to really write about this personal information but I can no longer keep so much to myself. I think telling this will help me and so many others in the transgendered community any well beyond. 

Once I am in the safety of my own apartment and there are no worries about verbal or physical assaults what is it really like in my mind?  (Yes even in Portland there have been , although few, verbal threats, physical assault and once a man showed me his knife.  Portland is safer but not safe. No one in the world am I totally safe but I will take Portland any day of the week.)  My hormones seem to surge especially during the hours of 3-6 pm. 

Lets get personal about what it really is like in my mind? Can you imagine getting sexually aroused and wanting to masturbate and reaching between your legs and stop because of your sex organ does not match what your brain says should be there?  This is me on hormones and I stop masturbating because I don’t have a vagina.  The problem is I get more aroused sexually then any other time in my life and 99 percent of time I stop because I don’t have a vagina. I cope via my drug, food, 

I have cried myself to sleep and cried until I could not cry anymore.  I know in my heart that mentally I am ready for the sexual reassignment surgery mentally nor financially but physically I am lacking the most important part of my body , a vagina.  I know so many other transgendered women say, “ it is surgery or suicide?”  This is , in my opinion, the problem itself .  The surgery is not a problem because the core issue is in the brain.  The surgery is part of the process and when do get the surgery is the most critical part of the puzzle.  Rachel’s theory:

There is a window of opportunity while hormones where if you get the surgery  too soon…. Or too late …… you might not only become very disappointment but due to the statistics I would say there is a good chance you would, that includes me, commit suicide.  The key is know in the middle of the biggest crisis of your life how to raise the monies necessary for surgery and when to actually have the surgery performed.  You, I, need to do this with no feedback from anyone in the transgendered community since they don’t talk to anyone and no advice from the doctors.  The doctors really have no sound advice because the entire subculture has decided that they should not talk about the “journey.” 

I have made peace with the fact I am a experiment and when, not if, I have my surgery I will share all I can with the doctors and have the Portland VA complete my follow up care.  Why? In all honesty there are no experts in the field.  The experts here have made the occasional mistakes with surgeries and overstate the actual number of surgery they have performed. What do I mean? When doctors in the united states speak of sexual reassignment surgery they are including breast implants, facial reconstruction and anything to do with sexual reassignment.  This is a problem.

The mental health issues surrounding this disease are understated my patients and the community in my opinion.  Let me go on record and speak from my heart:

It is my opinion that the life of isolation which so many of us experience in the community has come an enormous price, deep depression and anxiety and probably along with some PTSD.  Why? Holding something this big inside and hiding it from everyone you love and come into contact takes amazing concentration and makes you obsessive about protecting your secrets from anyone else.  So I think it is very possible like myself I was in fight or flight mode for decades and this did not come without real life mental health consequences.  The way I coped was overeating, pornography, and in the past alcohol.  I have progressed far enough to eliminate the pornography and alcohol but binge eating at night is a real challenge to me.

It is also my experience that when I am in fight / flight mode my estradiol is totally ineffective. This experience was revealed when I had panic attacks when on estrogen.  I felt no effects of the estrogen treatment during the times when I had panic attacks or felt threatened nor safe in my environment.  When I feel safe in my environment the estradiol is like your high at times and this is when I know the estrogen is working it magic . This is also when I am challenged to grow in the moment and compelled to deal the my demons.  When I meet the challenges I have found that the estrogen has brought profound changes in my life.  I am speaking of the healing of my mental health which has helped me in my professional life an private life. I think the secret of this drug is the more of function member of society you become more the drug works.  There is nothing that can prepare you for the challenges of estrogen treatment.

Now for the dirty secret of the transgendered community. again this is my opinion based on the fact I isolated myself for better part of 30 years.  I could not figure out why my experience was so much different than others in the community then it came to me about one month ago.  If I chose to isolate like I did less than 2 years ago on hormones I can see where suicide would become an option for some. My experience is different because I don’t have transgendered friends.  Some of you might say, “ Rachel what is wrong with you?

I am a lot smarter than I think I am.  You will see what I mean in one second.  I don’t have transgendered, gay or lesbian , black  friends but I have friends.  “my gender is not the totality of who I am.”  So I am friends with people I share common interest with and this gives me many, many different prospectives.   So, I don’t isolate on estrogen but instead I engage more and more in society which has given me vastly different results on estrogen.

Trust me the challenges and pain of this disease are nothing less then …. No words to express how it pulls you and nearly tears your heart in pieces most days.  My strength is in the women I choose to surround myself with.  They women of strength and “hold me up” but never enable me.  These same women never, never give me a pass and constantly say ,” Rachel you are going to make it and you are a lot stronger then you think>

By god’s good grace I have spiritual women who came to my rescue at most critical time of my life or I would be dead. It is my belief had I chosen to isolate I would/could have been one of 30-50 percent that commit suicide but my decision to go public with the VA back in 2011 altered my experience on estrogen. It did not make it easier but instead it made it harder and more challenging but it was the big goal that nearly ensured my survival in this fight that so many in the transgendered community lose via suicide.

Honestly one of things I think of in my darkest hours is … on my head stone upon my natural death… I want it not to read, “ …. To the woman who almost made it… but it will read Rachel made and made it big and helped so many in the process.” 

I also will close with this statement: I have to be very honest and I would rather be killed on the street or burn at cross like Joan of arc than die in isolation a life I had less then two years ago. The isolation is a self imposed prison and self suicide method  because you die little by little every day until there is nothing left of you.

I know there are more of me out that are afraid to talk I hope in time my public blog and speaking will draw them out and little by little the misconceptions of this disease will disappear.. I really did not see myself as leader until I risk so much but what I received in return is the life of my dreams.

I have promised god that if you give me everything I want in becoming a woman I will help all I can.  He has given me everything one can imagine in 2 short years.  I came to Portland with a little money, laptop computer and a college education and risk it all. I have lost most of my family ties, my friends and through god’s good graces I have met so men and women who are giving me a hand up. In this process we help each other heal.

Thank you for allowing me share,

Thank you and god bless,

rachel 

 

women, men and sexual orientation... yes L is for Lesbian

 

I hesitated to write this blog because I really am not sure how much of my private life I should make public. But today I realized that the time has come to tell people what it is really like on this side because no one else seems willing or able due to the misconceptions of our lives, women less the physical anatomy. (warm up to next blog tonight on serious issues with estrogen treatment)

First my particular experience on hormones could be completely different than anyone else because I am on enbrel, injects for rheumatoid arthritis, and estradiol for gender identity disorder.  The combination of these two drugs makes my case vastly different and added to the fact that I am over 40 and pill form of estradiol.  I have been on enbrel since 1997 and on estradiol for nearly 21 months at this time. 

I have talked to many women, men and transgendered men and women in Portland since I moved here in February 2011.  However, I can say without hesitation that I have not met another “Rachel” that is in the transgendered community. The reason I say this is even privately no one in the transgendered community will talk to me of the challenges on hormone replacement therapy.  Many seem to want to focus on the physical changes in their bodies. From my prospective that is the least of my challenges the larger challenges is the mental transformation that is unspoken on line or off line. 

I once the pleasure of talking to a doctor who is one of the foremost experts in the transgendered community and he said, “ they, the transgendered women, will not talk to you nor us.”  I would like to say I was shocked but the fact is that reflected my own life experiences. So when I am going through of these changes I have no one in the transgendered community to use as a sounding board nor compare their experiences to mine. The transgendered community has really , as far as I can see, a “ wall of silence” not only to the entire public but anyone inside it too.

Who do I rely on for help and guidance, women.  Women know better than anyone what is like to go through puberty which is essentially what I am doing at in my 50’s.  The women in my life “ hold me up” and about a half dozen have guided me through what I think is hell.  A woman in her 20’s recently echoed the comment, “ you are going through puberty.” I said, “ you get it.”

Who is a better expert on something than someone that has been on hormones for 10-40 years.  Thus I listen the experts on hormones , women.  The doctors don’t know what hormones does  to the transgendered woman because so they fear telling the truth could cost them their estrogen prescription.  This is the deep seeded fear I believe and in some cases it is well founded. In my case with the Portland VA it never has nor do I believe it ever will be an issue.  I have developed a trusting relationship with my therapist and the doctor who writes my estradiol prescription.  I am one of lucky ones that has a very transparent relationship between their doctor and patient.

How transparent am I? in an early blog I spoke of how my doctor and I were talking about the depth of the vagina.  I was so slightly irritated at the focus of the depth of vagina that I told my doctor, “ I don’t care about the depth of my vagina; I am a lesbian.” My doctor replied , “ok ms. Reid.”   

my sexual orientation seems to perplex men more than women. Since most of my friends are women and most are heterosexual I would say by talking to them my sexual orientation makes no difference in how we communicate. however with men this is a challenging topic. From talking to men they want to talk to me about sports and sometimes I  entertain them most of time.  This is my experience with gay men or heterosexual men.  I have had gay men say to me ." ...let me get this right.... you like women?"  I respond, :" yes."  

Just because I am a woman does not mean I am sexually attracted men and in my case no man is of interest to me.  I tried to kiss a couple men years ago and wow what a turn off.  But when a woman kisses me I have been known to melt in her arms.  The kiss of woman is an emotional connection to me and only a woman can turn this woman on .....lol

Rachel the marines and email from boss at fortune 500 company

I am most fortunate to work with management team that has been so supportive of me.  I actually resigned my position from the company and had rejected a promotion. but after talking things over with senior management I withdrew my resignation and accepted the promotion to sales trainer.  I was given total latitude in the material which would be presented in the classroom. this is unheard of in the sales field and shows the class, character of a man and a women at this fortune 500 company.  both of them have never waived in their trust and faith in me.

I delivered in my first training class and on the first day they,people I trained,  constituted 40 percent of our  sales.  I was under a lot of pressure while on hormones which complicates the whole picture.  From the company prospective I delivered results that have never been seen in just one week.  

Prior to the training class my boss sent me an email of what is called the "marine maze." my boss's reference to this maze is I never quit and the drive in me is as strong as any us marine. I hate to admit it but he is right and when the pressure is on my marine training proved over and over again we marines are special .  the few the proud the marines.

 shhhhh don't tell anyone because I am so  soft spoken but driven like every other marine and we never quit in our pursuit of a goal. I think it is a mix of rachel, the marines, and my life experiences that prove the edge in my ability to grow while on estrogen treatment and  working in one the most hostile work environments , a call center.  Then I decide let's really put the pressure on myself and challenge the corporation to change to a professional sales organization and I will not only lead the way but take on the responsibility of the sales of the company.

I also was so bold to go to my boss's office two months ago and say, " give me 60 days, the authority to complete the job and if I fail you can fire me."  Who would be so bold and brave.... rachel

once an air force vet ask me , " rachel if you could go back as rachel and someone from your old unit ask for help would you go."  I said, " that is not a question.... the answer is yes." She  said, " that is what I like about you marines."

http://www.hyscience.com/maze.jpg

VA publication does article on me

Hi

well finally someone had the character and credibility to do the right thing and speak the truth on the journey.  Who thought it would be the veteran health care system? not me.  Considering I have not, nor ever will, accept any money or gifts from the Va for my speeches this is a special relationship.  I am blessed to have found so many good people in the largest health care provider in america.
http://www.southernoregon.va.gov/docs/Sourcespringrr2013r.pdf
here  is the link.


thank you to all the fine men and women who helped me through the most vulerable part of my life.

rachel

mother good cathoic woman and father golden gloves boxer

My mother was raised in Hollidaysburg PA and a good catholic woman whose roots were deeply seeded in the Catholic Church.  Our family went to church every Sunday and  after mass I went to Sunday School.  She taught me the value of the family.    She came home from work everyday and would cook supper for us.  (three children in my family, younger brother and sister)  The first thing we had to do before going outside to play as kids was our homework.  We also had chores and helped her clean the house. She was very proud that my brother and I served in the military.  Our pictures were on her desk at work.

My mother and I would talk and to be very honest a lot of the times we had very different opinions on topics.  But, our core values of family and integrity were the same.  We both are/were strong willed women and did not back down in our beliefs.  This caused some tension in our relationship but I believe she respected me.  Over the years she would say, “Donald you have thick head, you driving me crazy.”  I don’t back down in my beliefs just like my mother.

Even a good catholic woman like my mother did not believe or follow the catholic churches doctrine all the time.  When I was very young I was talking to my mother about abortion and her response was “ it is a woman’s right to choose.”  To my friends, “does this remind you of anyone?( in the transgendered community there is this unwritten rule that we don’t talk.  Well I believe that is totally wrong and thus I talk about my experience on estrogen. ) neither my mother nor I toe the party line. We do what we think is right but unlike my mother I am much more public about my views about my life. She was a very, very private woman. 

Then there is my father who I was named after, Donald Sr.  He was born and raised in Queens, New York City. He went to a strict Catholic School and his mother, irish, was very strict and very old school.  He also was golden gloves boxer but he never taught us to box because he had seen the damage it does to the body.  He was Insurance Salesman for an insurance company. so much of the week he was away from home.   Go along to get along. That sure was not my father’s motto.  He , like my mother, were very strong willed and very strict.  His words, “ I tried to make a man out of you.”  

In all honesty both my mother and father knew I was different based on things I did  as a child. For example, my father asked me one time “what do you see in her.” I had a female friend in 1977 and boys did not have female friends in that era.  My response was , “ she is my friend.”  When I asked my mother to play the Violin her response was  , “ boys don’t play the violin.”  I also would go the bathroom and watch my mother apply her lipstick and hair spray.  Today I apply it the same way my mother does.  She would say what are you doing? I would say, “ I am just watching.”  My parents knew something was different about me  but in a conservative town  in the 1970 what could they have done differently ? The answer is nothing.  Had I become my true self in the 1970’s the mostly likely thing that would happened, based on statistically data, was suicide.  This is not a nice topic but I am a realist and knew back then I had to keep who I was very private .

So what you get when you mix a good catholic woman with a golden gloves boxer is Rachel….. One strong willed woman that is uncompromising in her values and committed  to achieve her goals.