rachel's political views which was posted on my facebook page

hi
 I find political correctness about as logical as we will not do something because it would offend others and we would not want to do that ? I do what is right in my heart and for political correctness ... it has no place in society and this is my deeply held position. Also for those in my subculture who seek special entitlements from society because we have been wronged for so many years I say this .... if you assign me a special status you have discriminated against others and to me that is a mortal sin. I don't want special privileges just equality nothing more nothing less. I am anything but politically correct.

 I have been struggling with when to come out and publicly talk about my political views. I know the two words conservative and transsexual in our society are about as logical to some people as "let me get this straight you are transsexual and a lesbian." Putting people in a box, especially me, is a mistake.

 my political views vary from conservative to liberal but I would categorize myself as a progressive conservative. The women I have surround myself in my journey have very similar views and most are also very spiritual like myself. we are strong willed women who hold our values and standards very high and do not violate them. Also if you are our friends we will hold you up and do what we can to help each other. The one thing the women around will never do is enable me. this is the major reason I have had so much success on estrogen in just 18 mos as of feb 4th.

 where did I get my prospectives? I could not figure this out for years and years until recently. The answer was so close to me I could not see it "despite my face." The woman that had the most impact in my life was my grandmother. She was born in 1909 and we had deep conversations for decades. Looking back we rarely disagreed but when we did we both would respect each other's prospective but we were firm in our beliefs. We would rather die than compromise our values and beliefs.

 So when I speak I have over 35 years of experience of having deep conversations with no filters on and haven spoken with my heart for nearly 4 decades. To me the speeches are just an extension of my conversations with my grandmother. However my gender is front and center but the reality of my speeches is that the core is the healing of the soul and very little to do with transsexual or whatever politically correct term you would like to assign to me.

 In reality I don't like the term transsexual or transgender because it infers I am not woman enough. A very smart woman said to me once, "who get to define who or what a woman is?" I am woman no more or less than any other woman. to take it a step further a man I know well once said to me, " ...it is a birth defect." I was surprised a male really understands this disease. they are both right and I am a woman despite the label society wants to assign me.

 In closing,
 I dearly miss my grandmother and it took me so long to realize the impact she was in my life. When I spoke at the va regional conference last february it was a natural progression of conversations but my gender was front and center. I spoke from the heart and soul of a woman. we as women open our hearts and souls up and are vulnerable which creates an advantage in sales according to zig ziglar. for decades people trusted me without exception including strangers.

 Hormones has been a blessing from god but in wrong hands could be deadly. if you cannot confront your deepest demons I can see how it could create more depression and possibly end up in destructive behaviors. thank god my life has done a 180 and I am becoming a leader in society and the experiment with hormones has been a success.

 thank you grandma from the bottom of my heart,

Rachel Reid
 ps would she have accepted rachel .... i really don't know but she loved me and that was so important to me and was my rock who I ran to often

email and my thoughts of where I am at now

I am learning that I am someone extremely special and a rare woman after talking to a guy at work . We had a talk and he says that other women like me don't want remembered that they ever were born as a male.  I think he is right.

I am proud of who I am and will not make excuses or apologizes of who I am or was and this is the profound difference in me. I also am on a spiritual mission to help others in my process of healing.  I think this why I hear so often "I never met anyone like you."



I have regrouped my thoughts and will schedule a consult with a sexual reassignment doctor in portland and gather more information.  I don't like it but my time table of surgery might have to be pushed out to 18 mos -2 yrs.  I just hope I can survive the journey. Getting the surgery too earlier in my healing process would be detrimental to my healing and could have disastrous results.

thank you for being a listening ear,

god bless

Rachel
ps have a great week

private email to a couple friends about srs surgery

 (this email was to two special friends who I have been with me doing my journey on estrogen and they both have made a profound difference in my life.........actually profound is not a strong enough word nor is there a word in the english language to describe my heart felt thanks for them. they have helped me make it through this hell that no one can imagine unless you have gone through it.  )

It take a community to get through this journey.



hi ,

I am at a loss for words at this point. I know that is hard to believe
. no laughing lol. but I have been researching surgery the last couple
of weeks. there is really no information on any surgeon's track record
on sexual reassignment surgeries completed nor what the satisfaction rate is
in either thailand or the usa.  What I have discovered is very
unnerving and scary to me.  I feel like I am in between a rock and
hard place with no options.

if my info is correct the surgery in the usa might be safer but the
outcomes are not recorded nor satisfaction of their customers.  No
where on the net does one site have testimonials of one good surgery
with the permission of anyone.  It does not exist.  The top surgeon is
probably dr . marci bowers and she claims to have done 2000 surgeries.
   She has included breast implants and anything do with with
transition to the female gender lumped in with sexual reassignment.
she has her supporters in blogs and detractors.

the former navy veteran who does the surgery in pa has about the same
track record  as dr. bowers but only has performed surgeries since
2008, not good.  Her experience is limited and one girl claims the dr
nicked her bladder doing the surgery.  Also, another girl claims her
followup care with this doctor was terminated after 3 mos without due
cause.

In thailand virtually the same situation exist where there are far
more doctors but no data on customer satisfaction are available for the reason of
privacy.  I have requested and been denied one reference because of
privacy.  All the doctors in thailand have their supporters and horror
stories.

I have found that the pioneers in this field in thailand have retired
or only do very limited surgery at this time.  So the students they
trained are now doing most of the surgeries.  The very cheapest start
at 6500 and go up to 18k.  The 18k is for the top doctor in thailand and does  limited surgery at this
time and was one of the pioneers in sexual reassignment in thailand.
so basically with travel cost and surgery I would be looking at 8-14k.
 There are two well known places one in pucket thailand and one in
bangkok which seem to be well respected both go about 12k plus travel
and etc(due to my last job I know pucket area well and the crime rate
and unsolved murders is unnerving  so there is a safety concern)

I also learned that either in the usa or thailand one would be
required to stay in the location for 2 weeks after surgery before
traveling via plane.  I believe the surgery is much more invasive then
I thought it was would be or may be it was only what i wanted to believe it
would encompass.  Also there are two basic types of sexual
reassignment one is called the penile inversion and another which , to
be blunt, gives the vagina more depth via a piece of the colon.

the  colon method would include more risk and has been known to
produce an unusual odor with some women after surgery.  I have no
desire for the colon method and would opt ,if i did, the penile
inversion method of sexual reassignment.

What is criminal is that some of the doctors are using the proverbial
carrot of promising multi organism on their websites.  I find this
very cruel since sometimes it is possible to lose all ability to
organism at all. ( the source of this info was on bbc news article I
saw a few yrs back) I think it is quite possible that the positive
outcomes of the surgery is over stated.

I went further with my research and looked at rio , brazil. They have
only done 250 sexual reassignment surgeries in the last 12 yrs.
according to one website in thailand they claim to have done nearly 5k
in the since the clinic opened.  but not one website has one woman
saying I had great surgery. nothing like this exist that I could find.

The best resource I have for reference may be my an acquaintance
l. she said her relative was going to thailand to get the surgery
after xmas.  she is reaching out to her to see who the surgeon was and
what the outcome was after the surgery.

This is insanity navigating this mine field with no accurate or
supportive data to base a decision to get the surgery or not and who
has the best the chance of making it a success.  it is my strongly
held belief that once I started to take the estrogen I put in to
action, without any thought , that my emotional need to have surgery
would be so strong.  There is no turning back but what to do ? i have
no idea and I feel so lost ... not a good place to be.......  I don't
think the doctors are aware of what they put in play once they rx
estrogen.  I think this would explain the cutting and suicide increase
despite being placed on hormones.  I virtually  had no thoughts of
suicide however in the last few months , although it last only short
time, it is often enough to get my attention. ( fyi my dr and
therapist are aware of this and in the loop every step of the way.)
this was never the case until about month ... 15....

I think the depression becomes worse because of the need for the
surgery increasing 10 fold.  I have never read anything like this in
any documentation.  many say well rachel that is your experience? i
say well who else is telling the real story. i think my real gift is I
refuse to sugarcoat nor hide it from my doctors or therapist.  I tell
my story as much as I can and this , in my opinion, is like doing
therapy up to several times a day, some days. This is exhaustive but
keeps me balanced and why i am able to look at the crisis situation that it is
  in a rational manner .

If I was giving an ultimatum it is now or never to get the surgery
done today? my response would be .... honestly I think I would
pass...... it would break my heart, like the last few weeks, but I
cannot say with any certainty outside there is 50/50 chance my surgery
would be a success.  I don't like those odds.

(removed a private situation about a teacher at pcc)

I don't know how others hold all this emotion in and... may be that it
in a nutshell they don't talk and they implode or explode .  sorry
that is not my way. I have not found another rachel nor has anyone
i have talked to in my travel... i hear this more often than
anything....
" i never  met anyone like you."

as usual thank you for listening to my story,

god bless

Rachel

The real story and my support for the VA healthcare system

http://www.onlineopinion.com.au/view.asp?article=12966

This article is 100 % true and I can tell you since I am transsexual woman and in the process of planning for sexual reassignment in February 2014.  I take issue with the transgendered community and this wall of silence to talk to no one aside our community.  I will not be party nor condone this kind of behavior because it leads to further depression and anxiety brought on my hormone replacement therapy.  That is right I am saying the hormone treatment causes more anxiety and depression if not confronted head on.  I am not an expert but can speak on my experience since I have been on hormone replace therapy for 17 mos now. 

I am in the fight of my life and many within the Va community are people who my strongest ally.  The dirty secret of the transgendered community is no one talks to anyone outside the community.  I broke ranks with this line of thinking when I spoke at the regional va conference last February.  Why? Because it was right thing to do and looking back it helped me cope with the death of my mother. I spoke from my heart on my experience on hormone replacement therapy.

 Last year I had the opportunity to speak to at least 150 doctors, staff, and other members of the VA community.  When I speak publicly it compels me to be at my very best and process what I am going through on hormones at an accelerated rate.  I healed 20 years in the last year because of my leadership position within the VA community and this is a fact.

This also is not a game because I am in the fight of my life.  Anyone that thinks otherwise is just kidding themselves.  The life as you have known it will not change forever and you may not know who is in the mirror.  One woman told me , “ Rachel it is not the fact that you changed but how fast you have changed.”

 Talking about his issue in my private life with other men and women is my gift which has enabled me to not only succeed but to speak about it in public.  Not talking about it would create so much depression and anxiety I can see where suicide would become an option.  The suicide rate within the transgender community is estimated to be between 30-50 percent and I will not be one.  I am one stubborn woman and as my mother said many times, “Donald you have thick head.”        

 Your darkest demons arise from your past and present because the hormones increase the length and width of axions in the brain.  This increase in size of the axion and the change to the gray matter of the brain rapidly increases your memory to the point there is nothing you can hide from no matter if it is in the distant or recent past. This information is backed by scientific research. 

To hold all the memories inside that come up on estrogen will result in one thing …. The worst depression of your life and you will feel like you have no options and no one cares and no one loves you.  You will ask yourself  “ what is there to live for?”  For me I have dozens of men and women pulling for me which makes a profound difference in my life. Your support system is the most critical part of this process which will last a life time.  This is my opinion and I also believe that one must understand that sexual reassignment surgery is part of a lifetime of personal growth. Not the final solution to a disease which has build up for decades in some cases. Let’s get real and stop pretending? Want to pretend you will lose I can assure of that.  The fight with this disease makes marine bootcamp seem like a weekend vacation. 

So many from Xerox, va health care system, and Portland community college and two very special friends have ensured that the path of suicide will not become an option for me.  Despite all the support I have I barely hang on by a thread some days.  I am challenged to the point I nearly break but I refuse to quit and push through that moment knowing there is a big light at the end of tunnel.  This is also part of the marine mentality.  We are as tough as they come and to stop us you will have to kills us.  This is called commitment and one must have 110 percent of this to survive the day.  Anything less will mean defeat and possibly worse.    

I can say without a doubt that since my support comes from only professional men and women in society my experience has been “profoundly “altered.  so much of support comes  from the VA community which includes some people in senior leadership positions.  The outreach from the Portland Va has been overwhelming and much needed in the most vulnerable time in my life. 

So much bad news press is in the public eye of what the Va has done wrong. I find it horrible that no one would print a good story of how they have treated me with the utmost respect and given me care above and beyond what the private sector would ever consider.  FYI one day I called the women’s clinic that I was not feeling well and the next day they called me to make sure I was doing better. Where do you find that in the private sector?

Let’s get really personal about my experience at the Portland Va and my primary care doctor.  This conversation happened two weeks ago.  I asked her since the Va is now required, per their new policy, to repair any sexual reassignment surgery complications what is the “emergency action plan if I have issues when I come back from Thailand?” I know that the vaginal wall can collapse??  The doctor responded and said the she felt confident that the gyno team at Portland would be able to repair a vaginal wall collapse.  We got even personal about the sexual reassignment surgery and she kept talking about the depth of the vagina.  I got the message but I was slightly irritated about the conversation since I am a lesbian and I don’t care how deep my vagina will be after the surgery.  So, if you know me you would understand,  I said, “ …. No penis is going in this vagina.”(while pointing to my crotch area)  To this remark we both laughed and the doctor said , “ ok ms reid.”

I count the Portland VA and leadership as a major ally against a disease that no one person could take on.  To become success in my journey and come out on the outside and be strong enough to talk about my experience on hormones and the sexual reassignment it is going to take a community.  It will take 100’s of men and women to ensure I make the right decision on the surgery and go through the procedure when I am prepared mentally.  This is the only holy grail that you must be mentally healed before the surgery not after the surgery.    

One transgendered before her surgery said , “ it is either surgery or suicide.”  She is so wrong and does not understand this is 99 percent mental and 1 percent physical.  Again my ability to think in the middle of crisis , accept help from others and trust their perceptive is so important.  As one friend said , who is a psychologist, told me one day that refusing to hear more than one perspective  is the beginning of mental illness.  I agree whole heartedly on this statement. 

(This mindset or therapy seems cold hearted but this disease is equally cold and unforgiving.  This journey is not for the weak who think I would like to try hormone therapy replacement and let’s see if it for me.  My advice is turn back now and once you are prepared to commit 100 percent to the process come back and start hormone therapy.)

So if you surround yourself with people of one mindset you have only one perspective.  As my mother would say, “ birds of feather flock together.”  This is very dangerous to do when you are considering sexual reassignment surgery.  You need to think outside the box because so little research is done on sexual reassignment and the transgendered community is very hush hush.  The only rational solution when it comes to designing a support group is to ensure it is a very diverse group.

My very life depends on my ability to listen to other people’s prospective and follow through on what is in my best interest. This is the only way I will be successful in my journey and surgery.  Then I will be able to speak in public of how I accomplished something that no one else seems to be willing to talk about in public.

Question:  Out of the 10,000 sexual reassignment surgeries performed why does not one transsexual talk about that the journey in public?  The real truth not the sugarcoated bs everyone hears online. 

I have been depressed in the past but due to the depth a of my support network it only last a few minutes at the most.   I am the so blessed to have so many that care so much about me.  Even when it was not politically correct to stand by my side those very women have been my rock.  These women are the main reason I have survived the horror of this awful disease, gender identity disorder.  The other side of the equation is my refusal to quit.  I also welcome the additional pressure to be a success case and that drives my engine. I thrive in a time of crisis and I am at my best. Who knew? Not me. 

In my support group are women that have given me hope.  The phone conversations and emails contain the message you can do it and welcome to womanhood. 

“hang in there Rachel” 

 “ know that I think about you often”

“I admire you”

“it is an honor to work with you”

the horror of hormones, srs and thailand bound

-->

In my first blog I promised my blog would be very, very honest however until now I have sugar coated the real effects of hormone replace therapy (HRT).  It will be exactly 16 months on December 4, 2012 since I initialized HRT.  I can honesty state, without exception, that this experience has tested my heart and soul like nothing else in my life.  It has compelled me to confront every demon I have ever had in my life ranging from five years old to fifty years old.  Many within my close network know that I have said many times I hold on by a thread.  I mean this statement with every fiber of my body.

The fact is that every day is harder than the last.  I am at the point that I would never want to go back but going forward challenges, not a word strong enough, my heart and soul to the very limits and nearly breaks me.  I hold on by a thread and sometimes I use self talk therapy to work through the depression and yet other times I reach out to one of three women for help.  I also seem to know my threshold of when I need to reach out to one of them.  I have been blessed by each one of them.  The following day after working through this seemingly impossible situation and issue I feel stronger than the day before.  Yet the next time I get depressed it presses me even harder than the previous situation and still I find a way to cope and move forward.  As the blonde has told me I always find a way to get things done but this has taken every fiber of my body to hold on for my life.  I also know in my heart I have become one of the strongest women I have ever known via HRT.  I did not know a woman lived just underneath the surface of someone that pretended to be a man for nearly 50 years.

Now let me take you deep into just how bad it becomes and how hard I am tested day in and day out on hormones.  Yesterday I was waiting for my bus to work and I had to walk away from the bus stop where others were sitting because I knew I had to cry and talk myself through this issue.  I knew I had to work through this to make it through work.  Does this therapy work for me? You can be the judge I had more sales than any other day since I started over two months ago.  I think I am a lot smarter than I want to acknowledge opening.  The issue that is tearing at my heart and soul that I cannot hide any longer since I started Hormones is I not only need sexual reassignment surgery but it has become essential to my very survival as a human being.  The truth is that there is not a day that goes by now that I don’t cry at least once that I am not quite a woman; almost a woman.  No one could ever completely understand what it does to me unless you were in my shoes.  It like having cancer one can be compassionate but until you walk in my shoes, which you can’t, only then could you feel the deep unrelenting pain I feel every minute of my life today.

Now back to the bus stop.  I said to myself I cannot live like this much longer I have to find a way to surgically have my penis removed.  You would have to understand that every time I cross my legs I can feel something between my legs that is not suppose to be there nor should it even been there.  I honestly think why did God do this to me?  The pain takes a grip of my heart and soul and the pain cuts me so deep the pain is imaginable.   I thought at that moment at the bus stop I cannot cut the damn thing off but I cannot have surgery.  After crying, crying and crying some more and barely holding I made the decision I told others I would not do…. I am going to go to
Thailand to get my surgery. 

Yesterday I tried to visualize what was between my legs and for the first time I honestly thought it was a vagina knowing consciously it is a penis.  What am I to do?  I cry and cry and there seems to be no solution.  I am holding on by a thread about this issue, more than an issue to me,  for the last year which reared its’ ugly head in month two of HRT.  Otherwise it was lying just below the surface waiting and waiting and came to the surface with a force unspoken of after only one month of HRT. 

I don’t know how much longer I can hold on living without having my penis removed.  If I did not take action and set up an account and put a plan in place and set a target date of surgery yesterday I could have been a casualty like so many others in the transgendered community.  What am I speaking of ?  Suicide or cutting the penis off would have been a solution yesterday.  But, neither suicide nor cutting the penis is a long term solution and would represent quitting and it is not in my DNA.  I did not come this far to turn back and quit after fifty years.  I will succeed where others have failed before “ persistence overcomes resistance.  My real ace in my pocket is my natural born sales ability and drive.  Persistence overcomes resistance is what I learned in my sales career.

Thus, I have put up a board titled Rachel goes to Thailand.  I have dollar amounts in the thousand dollars and once I hit 12 thousand I will have what I need and have needed for all of my life.  The way insurance is set up and the regulation that are put in place it would take me years to jump through the loops.  I don’t have years and years but what I do have is the ability and drive to sale more products to reach my goal sexual reassignment.  My goal date, to some may seem impossible, is January 2014. 

Zig ziglar and Henry Ford said, “if you think you can or can’t you are probably right.”  I believe I can and I am preparing and planning and will reach this goal. It represents the very essence of my life.  I will not fail. 

Just may be now I can admit publicly that the Marines had an impact that goes far beyond anything I ever could imagine until now.  To a Marine to quit is criminal and unthinkable and perhaps I am more a marine that I every thought and when others say it cannot be done we find a way to accomplish the mission.  As the great Chester Puller said, " you can hurt me but you cannot stop me."  I have been hurt, beaten down emotionally by society and do not have the anger others have and focused on the goal of becoming the best woman I can be and lead in my pursuit of this goal.

Some have told me I need to have thicker skin because I am so emotional and cry when I get hurt but to do that would change who I am and I changed for society due to my gender.  I will not change who I am at any level for anyone.  I know I get hurt easy and I am very sensitive woman and I will stay that way and men and women will get to know the real me...... the heart of rachel

Thank you again,

Rach

Ps I will spell check this later on the way to work but needed to post this important post 

rachel's father and heart of her mother

-->

 I thought tonight I would share with you who my mother and father were and how they impacted my life in profound ways that can be felt to this day.  One was from the small town of Hollidaysburg, PA and the other was from Queens, NYC.  So, anyone could see that their view of the world would be vastly different.  That is putting it mildly. 

My father was from Queens, NYC who grew up there in the great depression in a single household with his sister and mother.  My grandmother, Nana, was direct from Ireland. My father was schooled in a catholic school in Brooklyn which was very strict and he was a golden gloves boxer.  One time my father told me a story of how a boy at a dance tried to adjust his tie.  My father’s response was tell  the boy, “ let’s step outside…” (not the way I would have handled it but…)

The character of my father?  A measure of a person’s character can be judged by their actions in a crisis. (zig Ziglar)

 On one hot summer day in our neighborhood a fire broke out in a neighbor’s house.  The fire broke out and all the neighbors watched from their porch steps except one, my father.  My mother told my father , “ don’t go Donald.”  My father ran down to the neighbor’s house and made sure she made it out ok.  The others just watched and did nothing and never left their porch steps.(This is probably one of the biggest reasons I think to do nothing when you can is down right criminal.)

Another time, my father was talking to the land developer and the house builder.  I can remember exactly what the land developer said like it was yesterday, “ Don, I bet you hope a bunch of N***** mover in here.” My dad responded, “ sure do.”

My mother, on the other hand, was from small town Hollidaysburg where I was raised which was could not have been more different than NYC.  The town of Hollidaysburg is a small town where you are known as so and so daughter or son.  It is very safe to walk the streets at night because no one is out, lol.   It is typical small town America where I was raised as a child.  I played in the band like my mother did in school and where kids were just kids.  Crime was something we saw only on tv during the 1970’s.

My mother was also catholic but had her closely guarded opinions that differed with the Catholic Church.  For example, when it came to abortion my mother believed in the woman’s right to choose.  She was a strong conservative woman who believed in her values and stuck by them, never waiving.   This sounds like someone  I know, me.  My mother did not make waives and went along to get along. 

However, Rachel does not go along to get along nor has she ever.  Case and point, at my father’s funeral viewing a former manager of my father’s came to visit and pay his respects.  My father had cursed this man’s name many times over the years and could not stand the man.  So, when he came to pay his respects I was a little too forward for my mother’s comfort when I said to him, “ what are you doing here.”  My mother promptly said, “ Donald.”  I said, “ dad did not even like this guy.”  After that, out of respect for my mother, I bowed out and moved away from the entrance to my father’s viewing.  I don’t exactly blend in nor toe the party line even back then in 1988.  

For years and years I said that I was the best of my mother and the best of my father blended together.  So I have the fire of golden gloves boxer that drives the engine and the heart of my mother.  My mother gave me the best gift anyone could give a child and it was her heart.  I have passed my heart to my daughter.

God blessed with me two parents that gave me so much to build on that my success was nearly certain in my eyes.  It was merely for the asking and accepting the challenge to become the best woman I can be.  I know in my heart that my mother would be proud of me not publicly nor even privately but in her heart. 

What did my mother teach me beyond her death?  She left me a small inheritance which I used to buy the very best make up and clothes that any woman would envy.  Thus, while mourning the death of my mother I covered myself in Clarin and Dior make up.  Only to learn that the make up does not make the woman; the woman makes the make up.

Mother Thank you and love always,

Rachel

requested meeting with divisional manager? what was I thinking?

-->  I believe in large part to my work with the VA I had the courage to speak up for others like I have done within the VA.  But to speak up at work with less than 60 days on the job was that smart? and who and where did this woman come from?  Where did Rachel get such incredible courage and strength?

I am beginning to realize that I have been given gifts and talents others do not have and when the timing is right , in my heart, I need to step forward and lead. Many times I cry not because anything but how happy I am and how far I have come in the last year.  I have been challenged like others but have had opportunities no one could dream of until.  We MARINES never quit; it took nearly 50 years  but I made it.

The results of the meeting with the mangers was the virtual the same was with the VA because I  lead with my heart and put my outlined issues to the side.  I learned much from my speeches at the VA.  I have been blessed so much this past year.  I will blog on Friday about this event.

Thank you

Rachel