rachel views on facial surgery, weekend after being theatened for me ?

hi
i am doing much better today and apparently the more risk and more challenging the event the more my estrogen surges.  I think that event helped me much like other stressful situation. i think this because i was so calm on Sunday and a calm i never experienced. i am thinking that because i have overcome so much that i am beginning to believe I no longer need to use my maladaptive dreams. is this true?

i hope so and I was to dentist today and my mind never stops processing information. during the tooth filling I told myself it will be ok Candie. that is the name i use to go by and it is very apparent that i began my process probably in 1997 when my ex wife departs our residence.  also while i was having my tooth filled i used one nail to caress my leg to calm me down.

then immediately after the filling when i walked out of the doctor's office my estrogen hit me hard. i am beginning to think that the estrogen and new thought process will be an asset in thailand. however it was very apparent that i am more terrified of surgery then i thought because that minor filling of a tooth really hit home how much i am aware of in the moment.

i envisioned a surgery putting me to sleep for my SRS and that terrified me because i will be in a foreign country where their english is understandable to a point.  i miss the love and touch of the staff of the portland VA and honestly that has made a difference in my life and my well being and that will not be present in thailand.  this is what really scares me because i am more emotionally than i have ever been in my life and it increases with the day as i heal mentally.

I just wanted you to know i am doing better and i think the suicide idealizations are a thing of the past because i have a plan to raise monies for my surgery. however executing the plan and the holding myself together as i complete the biggest project of my life will not be easy.

i am seriously considering facial surgery after the events of the past few days and going back the last couple of yrs.  i cannot take the emotional abuse by people for the rest of my life. i cannot escape totally but i can minimize the hostility to a point. i do realize that my shorter hair has made me a bigger target. now i am trying to understand if i want facial surgery for myself or to go stealth to so many. this is a difficult decision and a loving wife could probably talk me out of this but not srs.  so maybe i am on the fence about facial surgery for now. but i look in the mirror and think i want a more feminine face but will the surgery made my face more feminine or a nightmare. ( i am very interested in the south Korean facial surgery that is the most invasive available but it is very new..

I am better but I never stop processing and thinking and that is a key issue i need to address, sound like a therapist lol, before surgery.

thank you

rachel

"rachel that is not the woman... that is you"

hi

A very good therapist, who was a grad student, told me in therapy when I brought the words to the video that " that is not the woman you are looking for .. that is you." I have had some of the greatest caring and loving therapist who have never had experience with girls like me. It is my prospective that experience in this disease is irrelevant and simply caring allows me to share all I can with people and my therapist.

God bless the therapist who have helped me in my journey.

thank you

rachel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fm6J0NmrHo&index=7&list=PLF7F490CF1339D9D7

rachel threats are real and it scares me to death

hi

i came into fred meyers store ( supermarket) and this guy starred me
down at their wifi spot. then his friend came to the table and he said
," I will beat his f----- ass but he ...." so i went to the cashier
and she called a management team member. the mgmt team member  suggested me relocating to
another table and i said i should be able to sit where i want here. am
i scared ? omg yes

the management team member talked to the guy but he was very spiteful
of the manager etc. standing my ground is becoming a daily task. it
was not the pronoun he but simply this guy wanted to beat me up because of
who i am.

this is why so many have facial surgery and disappear into society. i
am strong but in all honesty portland is not as loving and
compassionate as people would lead you to believe.

my goal yesterday .... why should this be a goal... was to get home
off the train without someone harassing me or laughing at me.  today i
did not achieve that goal because people just refuse to leave me
alone. there was no provocation for this event but my mere existence.
this is reflected in some of society. i hate that i have to go through
all of this just to be me.

the fact is there is no safe space on this planet and there is only a
safer area. as a gay male told me once that portland is safer not safe.  i do
not feel safe in public and this is not the last time i will encounter
such hostility for the reason that i exist.

god come get me... how i feel at times and this is one reason why


thank you

rachel























i think over and over again because of incident like the last email
details that i wish at some level i could be sent to white city where
i would feel half way safe.  all i did at fred meyers was walk in and
start to sit down at a table. trust me when i say this reminds me of
the men in the marines.  but in the marines i had no one to run to and
if they would have ever thought for one sec i was rachel they would
have killed me. i told one marine friend in the marines they... she
interrupted me and said .... rachel they would have killed you.  this
marine was an MP during the same time i served.

no one can protect me and sooner or later I will be hit or raped or
killed. i know this but in my mind i have no idea why people have so
much anger.

rachel

rachel hip pain and HRT moves hips forward?

hi

according to an article online .... i am trying to come to grips with what i heard is there is no way estrogen changes your bone structure and this article states that it does ....i am particularly interested in the last bullet point since my right hip has had some pain for the last few months..... so to recap HRT seems to have changed my bone structure and the muscle mass. this concerns me since my physical strength has decreased and my wt has remained at 250lbs. I think i need to take off at least 80 lbs and perhaps my ideal wt is what it was after bootcamp 149lbs. 

what is next?  i just wish i could grow a vagina and surgery was not necessary. i am crying because i don't want to leave this world because of this disease when i have worked so hard all of my life to get here.

thank you

rachel

Bone

• Both estrogens and androgens are necessary in both biological males and females for healthy bone. (Young healthy women produce about 10 mg of testosterone monthly. Higher bone mineral density in males is associated with higher serum estrogen.)
• Bone is not static. It is constantly being reabsorbed and created. Osteoporosis results when bone formation occurs at a rate less than bone reabsorption.
• Estrogen is the predominant sex hormone that slows bone loss (even in men.)
• Both estrogen and testosterone help stimulate bone formation (T, especially at puberty.)
• The hips will rotate slightly forward due to changes in the tendons so hip discomfort is not uncommon.

rachel advantages of facebook, utube and my prospective

I have been on hormones for 34 mos and the major shift at this point is how i walk and run has been alter to a more feminine style. i literally cannot sprint like i have in the past because although i tell the brain to sprint while running at the end of my run the signal will not switch to my muscles.  example 1:  I was running to the max and , today, and the other day and i now have a shorter gate and i cannot wider the gate. example 2:  when i walk i am touching the ground lighter and the impact on my knees has been substantially reduced which may have profound positive effects that may reduce or i hope eliminate the arthritis in my joints. 

however, i hate this word lol, i am using muscles in my ankles and knees that i have never used because of the angle that my foot /toe touches the ground. this angle change, don't know how else to explain it, makes my hips move back and forth more in a feminine motion. i think i have this picture of how i should walk , per a french model yrs ago, and now it is becoming a reality. all of the shifts in my life are so dramatic and sudden , as i cry, that it scares me.  i am so scared of how fast i am changing which was preceded simply by my physical therapist helping me sit up properly.

my mother and father would say to me , " stop flopping down in the chair, etc" now i use my back to lower my body into a chair or couch. this is coupled with the change in how i walk and all of this happened in less then one weeks time.

i was watching a lesbian utube clip and realized why i watch the clips. i wanna be the girls in the clips but more importantly i want to do anything but move forward with surgery eg get a job. but come this weekend i will set up a fund site and begin to job search. i am so terrified of surgery that i will do anything and i mean anything to delay surgery that may kill me.

i am so scared and i cry ... what has god done to me..... i can handle the laughs but to think i may die because of this disease is insane. i want a way not to have surgery but there is no way to delay it much longer.  i would not wish this on anyone but satan.  i have enough friends to support me but i need someone to hold my hand in thailand but i do  not want anyone to hold my hand if i am going to die in a foreign country. why is it me that must bring this to the public's attention in a graphic way for the first time? i cannot understand why no one has had the courage to do this before and have the surgery video taped.  everyone around me thinks the same thing that why has no one talked in the depth like i have in the past. the lack of leadership?  mental illness? i don't know.

i just ask you to hold me up and pray to god that i survive a surgery that no one knows the true outcome physically or mentally on the human body. there is are no other solutions now.

when did I know who I was ? in 10th grade we learned of transgenderism while i wore a black thong. this shocked my world like nothing else and around the same time frame Renee Richards the tennis play came out about her life. I asked my mom , look at her, my more said, " he." i knew the consequences if i told my family or friends about the real me and it was not good in the 1970's. 

i was telling my therapist that before now there was no solution for me and utube and facebook has propelled me yrs ahead due to the validation each day with my experiences on both mediums.  yet all of my friends on FB are female and the advantage of utube is I can go back to the shows i watched when i was a child and reflect on what i was thinking then and what i am thinking now. this happened about the 1 -2 yr mark on hormones and this challenged me to reflect in ways that never existed before in society. thus the experiences i have had with the Va, xerox, portland community and the advantages of the technology today have given me advantages over others in so many ways.

thank you

rachel: changes from hormones near 3 yr mark

i was thinking of what ...said once .... it is hormones and surgery on top of the normal stress of life.  it really is that simple and i keep ..... I wish the surgery was not necessary. i really do because now it is becoming as i come out of decades of depression very clear to me what i am asking a doctor to do. but i cannot even envision if i force myself with a woman while i have a vagina. i never even thought of the obstacles that have been placed before me.

I have an very strange life. so yesterday i guess the morality police, an employee of the library, told me that i need to watch what i am viewing on line. I like watching clips of the L word etc. I was livid and told my friends on face book of this incident and how men sux lol. so then i received a comment to my posting that one girl liked my comment. then i was offered an open door visit to a lesbian couples home in.....  I thought ohhh two women then my hormones began to rage lol. then i thought they might be like me if i lived back east with no friends. i think so many in the GLBT community live in rural areas and the closest thing many have to a normal life, if there is one, is  facebook.

I was also thinking that too many here are fake....... then she changed the conversation about me. i am pretty sharp and picked up on the move. i think so many here will allow me to talk to them in small corners but you would never invite me to your BBQ or intro me to your friends and family. my life has not changed that much from where i use to live except i wear a dress. i have zero friends but i have some great friends who i talk to from afar. that is more than i had before.

i just want to be part of a family, as i cry and cry, and that is all i want. people will not even give me a chance here. i really respect the people that laugh at me more than the fake people to be honest.   ( this sunday was the first time my daughter did not call me on father's dad. so much plied up over the last week)

then last week i remembered how my father noticed when we were at blue knob state park that i walked feminine. so in front of my family my father walked then my brother and then me. my father said you walk like a queer. then my brother walked mocking me as a woman for fem would walk.  i was so devastated of this event that i cried. my family knew exactly who i was and they mocked and beat me because of it at times. i was not stealth at all when i was a child. i could not hide like some do and my family was glad i went into the marines to make a man out of me. LMAO  i went into the marines to get to hollywood and go to college.

i am walking very fem now and the great thing is since i am walking lighter the pain i felt when i walked is almost gone. what if i have arthritis not due to the abuse but due to my gender. my arthritis doctor said he saw one case of RA disappear so maybe and that is a big maybe i can beat RA with my gender. this would be a very unique case then not that is not already lol

the downside of walking more feminine is i cannot sprint like a man anymore. i tried to force myself to sprint and i cannot omg.  so the incident at the max was not a one time deal.  so to sumerize i have loss muscle mass and my ability to sprint and walk like a male because? I NEVER  was suppose to walk but one way and live one way.  i tried to be a male and i did a poor job because i not very good at pretending.

thank you

rachel

surgery and moving forward

Hi

I am seeking a friend or one more to accompany me to thailand if possible. I am not walking more feminine and the ability to sprint like I did all my life is gone. this has been one amazing trip and I am scared to death of the surgery but it is a must for me.

I will have my funding site set up by the 15th of June and I truly hope I can find a friend or 2 to accompany to thailand to help me and video tape everything including the surgery. the surgeon has ok the video taking of the surgery.

So maybe and just maybe others can see what it is really like going through srs there will be less resistance for others not to go through the hell I have gone thought for yrs. I really hope my journey and sharing it with so many has helped others and that is it.

thank you and god bless

rachel

ps thank you to the women who took my picture on the max today in portland. I knew in the moment i am in the right city to live the rest of my life