hi
i slipped and fell again but i am back up and working on my way back to my old self. i had to resign from xerox because of the environment and stress of hormones. again , as i cry, a few good women held me up and guided me back on the path to move forward. i am so lucky compared to others. i know i risk much telling so much about my mental health. but unless i heal mentally surgery will mean nothing and i will become a stat and possibly commit suicide . i will not become a statistic. i will find a way to succeed but i had no fucken , excuse me , idea what i was getting into when i started hormones. none.. it is a one way ticket. i am so scared but i know the women around me will help me heal.
god bless each one of you ,
rachel
below is an unedited email to a them:
i recognized what has happened recently especially when i became to feel the effects of sleep depreviation. the depression has become so bad that i am sleep deprived which is due, no doubt, because I am clinically depressed. too many signs point to it and i recognized the same signs when my arthritis was really bad back in 97.
I was having a hard time puling out of the depression. but this time around i had a few women that believe in me with all of their heart and helped me acknowledge that i am loved and cared about . this did not happen in 1997. i was exiled from my family, less my grandma, because of many factors. my mother went as far as to say i was faking my arthritis.
today i did some research and know why i crashed so hard. the running was my balance in life and i stopped doing it because my environment at work became unsafe to me with no voice. this was enough to make me relapse into my old world. the running increases the hormone Norepinephrine which is known to reduce and treat depression. i effectively stop taking my meds without knowing it. the running is so effective that it out performs antidepressants 2:1 even in the short term.
however what is challenging for me is that fact that the Norepinephrine increases apparently increases the effectiveness of the estrogen. when i run i cry a lot, my breast hurt until my head is so light , feel this feminine feeling in my running etc. i know this happens but what can i do? i even spoke to one woman that stopped taking hormones and it increased the mood swings and crying. i am on a one way roller coast, one way ticket with no possible exist?
now add to all of this the memories of the past . the abuse and memories of how i hid the real me with the good memories. but what has changed is i know what happened in the past and know what i need to do to resolve it in the very moment of the memory. this is overwhelming and is increasing by the day. for example i can look at the door knob and there is a flash back to me dressed in my lingerie in my mom's house and i would have my sweats on just in case she picked the lock to get into my bedroom. i was never caught but the mental health and depression of hiding was devastating. i realize how much of a negative impact it has on me in the moment. all of this is more than any human being can with stand without help and in a safe environment.
however all that being said i asked for god's help today and this is where i ended up today with the research above and i pushed myself to run for the first time in mos while nearly exhausted mentally and physically. i have to say also my therapist saying last week to me , ".... i can see you as a happy wife." that comment in the moment caught me so off guard i stopped crying.my therapist is a gift from god and a real god send. i have hope when others break i only bend because of my heart and the heart of women around me.
so many care in the va and i wish others could see that i see . as zig would say if you look for gold.... you will find the good in people......
thank you for being a guardian angel in my life
http://www.umc.edu/Education/Schools/Medicine/Basic_Science/Physiology_and_Biophysics/Core_Facilities(Physiology)/Physical_Exercise_-_Norepinephrine.aspx
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