here is the email........ not pretty but the truth
I went to the ER yesterday because ,more on the account, of
my anxiety than anything else. I was so cautious because of the dangers of this
drug. I had run ,
after not running for several months, and pulled a muscle and was urinating
frequently. The diagnosis was pulled muscles but in the moment all I could
think of was will I have to come off of hormones? the night before I nearly had a panic attack because
of stress induced stress and now my breast hurt like never before. My hormones are
raging more and more each day. Apparently it has nothing to do with the wine I was
drinking in the past but purely the effects and length of time on estrogen.
All of this being said I was crying this morning and I have
made the decision , although not a logical one from other people’s eyes, to go
to Thailand once I have the 2,500 for surgery later this year or early next
year. I truly understand the consequences of my decision and I could die. I would
rather die as a woman than keep this thing between my legs. The emotional pain
is more than I can handle. I emotionally cannot deal with this much longer and
I will not turn back.
Am I happy I have to go this route? No of course not, but I don’t
have any other recourse. The mental pain is more than I can bear and yes I have
found a surgeon that will in all likelihood make my life a physical nightmare
which I will regret but regret less than my present emotional pain. I am
literally rolling the dice and I realize
this but in my eyes there are no other viable solutions in the next year less
the one for 2500.00.
In the mean time I will try to raise the 15k for surgery but
if I don’t have it raised by the time I have the 2500.00 and a total of 5k for
travel and expense I will opt for the low cost solution. I realize the va will not write me a letter
for this surgery but this doctor does not require one so it is a non issue in
this case. Worse case scenario I can get
a letter in Thailand
so the doctor can do the surgery.
I am reading a thread in facebook about a woman going
through the surgery in Thailand
and they are releasing her after only four days after the surgery to stay in a
hotel in Thailand. She has
told of how the night nurse wrapped her wound incorrectly and how on the fourth
day she woke up disoriented not knowing where she was at the time. She also
said she had nightmares on the third day after surgery. I have nightmares and
near panic attacks when I sleep during the day. I am familiar with this but probably the intensity might be another level
of hell too.
I guess I am down to dancing with the devil and pray to god I
will come out on the other side ok. I will have to settle for ok since I do not
have the resources to pay for surgery by a good surgeon. I see things for what
they are and the people around me too. The estrogen has compelled me to see the
reality of my life and this disorder/disease but at the end of the day if I hit
60 and if I have not had surgery , in all likelihood , there is a good possibility
I would commit suicide and I cannot let it get that far.
I would rather deal with a lifetime of physical pain and
possibly die then deal with this emotional pain for eternity. I know this is
not rational in your eyes nor others but my options are so limited. I know others have options and resources but I
have only have this final solution unless something comes up out of blue I will opt to have the cheap , low cost surgery no later than next January
.
I do not expect you to understand but know that because of this
pain I am exhausted from crying about it each and nearly every minute of each
day. I have very little more to give ……. It has nearly sucked the life out of
me for the last 50 yrs. I will have to roll the dice and pray I get lucky.
Thank you
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