thank you
rachel
............
In an attempt to push ..... you away I did, what I do
best as times, self destructive acts designed to drive people away from me. In
the moment I had no idea I was trying to push you away but in retrospect I did
my very best. ................... I am use to so called friends leaving me and
abandoning me when they have further use for me.
I take full responsibility for my actions I would like to
apologize from the bottom my heart. I am truly sorry for the hurtful things I
explicitly stated or implied in the email.
I cannot say it will not happen again but I will do my best. I do appreciate your sincere friendship.
My hormones are not getting better but worse. I have never
had breast pain like the last couple of weeks. I apparently am on the over 2 yr
plan for breast growth. Research shows that hormones make your breast grow from
2-5 yrs. I am stating to go back to my
old self but it will take time. I was still using my right hand to sign
documents in ........ office last week and that is a sign I am still in fight or
flight mode.
I have tried over the last couple weeks to sleep in the
middle of the day to alleviate some of the effects of hormones. But like before
when I sleep in the middle of the day I have nightmares and not good ones and
when I wake up I have high anxiety that
, at times , brings me close to a panic attack. This past weekend I came so
close to a panic attack where I had pre dialed 911 and placed the phone near my
head when I went to sleep. This really scared me just like the anxiety did back
in 2012.
I also have put pieced together why my marriage failed years
ago. I basically tried to turn my ex wife into my lesbian wife and she tried to
turn me into her hetero husband. I think it would cross a boundary to tell you
the details of how I learned of this in my memories. But I have been dreaming
of a wife with daughter , during the day, and realized years ago I thought I
could make it happen with my ex wife and it never was going to be.
I also have more repressed memories of how I tried to “burn
off “ my penis when I was a child and so much more. Thank god something told me
not to push this any further than it went in my efforts to remove my
penis. As far as other memories at young age I also started to act like the
French models and people on television.
For example I would put my hands on the table like the French and hold
my glass with my index finger just off the glass. My mother would say , “what are you doing
Donald?” she then would say hold your glass the right way with your whole hand.
You cannot hide who you are on estrogen. All of this is overwhelming to the
human mind and so much to deal with given all of life’s challenges.
Speaking of “ Donald.”
I have a new ........ She was trying to understand
why there are two names on some documents. It would not have matter how she
asked me although she asked me as kind as she could in regards to this
question. She said “ not to pry into your private life but why the name
Donald?:” I explained and as I did I nearly had a mental breakdown. That question
cut me so deep and hours later I am still crying because of it .........meant no
harm to me and said it was said so gently but I wish I was never named
Donald. The pain that I suffered because
of this disease and the male name can never been fixed/ repaired/ ? .
I know others try to run from the past and I understand it
and I understand why because of the painful past. I am trying to remember the
past to heal in the moment but it
challenges my ability to function. I really am not sure I am prepared mentally
to return to work. I should have left Xerox months ago and not pushed my body
and mind until I nearly had a total mental collapse.
Also on a note of not being able to hide no matter what you
do to your body etc. I have found that my new hair style , like pink, has made
me a bigger target and makes me stand out more in public. I was on the train
this weekend and a guy came up to me and tried to look up my dress. I turned
away from him and he asked me my name. I said I would rather not talk. He then
said , “ oh you can go home and stand up and pee.” I was to livid and what I
learned to do the in the marines almost came out and my smart mouth with it . I
was so close and once I did that I could have baited him in and once he lunged
at me I would have maced him.
I do not want to turn into an angry and bitter woman but this incident like the one above really push me
close to my threshold of , excuse me, the shit anyone can take before acting
out . then I saw this same guy on the
train tonight but he bothered someone else but honestly I was hoping for
another encounter with him and I would thought I will put him in his
place. Deprogramming what I learned from
my family and the marines is huge challenge to me. For example my mother would
say, “ you want a problem I will give you a problem.” My salvation in my late 20’s was penn state
which is the first place I felt safe and could let down my guard and it was 50
percent funded by the VA.(my tours in the marines funded college)
.......
However if I go the route of disability my chance of surgery
is reduced to almost zero because of the cost. This weekend again I thought of
the cheap solution of 4k for travel and surgery in Thailand
.........
Too much pain for any one person to endure over the long run
while on hormones and after surgery. The more I talk that have surgery the more
I hear I did not heal after surgery and all my fears are confirmed. What to do? No one in the community is
talking , literally no one on how to overcome the mental challenges.
I do appreciate your listening ear and our friendship
God bless
Rachel
Ps getting a bit of my bounce back…. In my hips … know that
is funny but when my hormones and my mental health is good I can feel the
difference mentally and physically… it has been a long time since I could say
that… months…
I am one of the lucky ones that had options like the VA so I
did not have to decide to go back , prostitutions, etc….. some one is looking
over me ….. thank you god
No comments:
Post a Comment