Major part of puzzled resolved last night (rough draft )

Please read this and take into consideration this was written at 5 am and I felt like I needed to put this on paper so I did not forget this important information.  There are plenty of grammar and spelling errors but the message is very, very important. 

(I brought the information and tools with me that I needed from the past but reflecting on the past over and over has no value because the missing piece of the puzzle does not exist.  I am speaking of I wanted to feel like what is was like and feel as a girl and teenager and beyond.  I cannot recreate something that never happened.  I also wanted to resolve what I felt as a child as a girl and when it happened.  The answer is that I was born with a female brain and anatomically male parts.  I was trying to resolve something that cannot be resolved and it does not matter.  What matters are that I brought the people and tools I needed from the past to live my life as woman.  ( one day the blonde said to me we take things from the people we need in our journey of life.  She is the one I needed to bring with me to help me on my journey in living as a woman.  The estrogen experience is 99 percent mental and the physical part of the estrogen is so small compared the mental aspect.)

Last night I had a major break in solving a major part of puzzle that my brain has worked on for the last three months.  At about month nine the estrogen started to really kick in and my memories of the past began to become so clear to the point that I felt like I was not reflecting on the past but actually there because of the clarity of the memory. 

I have explained this experience on estrogen as if many people see the past in a prism and it is a black and white prism.  Whereas I can create a prism in the past in color and if I concentrate my prism, while on estrogen, has been restored to the point if I can put my self there and see things I find can be quit dangerous.  I felt it could be dangerous because I was so drawn to this experience that it would become an obsession.  I found that at times I was so drawn into the past in trying to resolve why I was the way I am that may be I will not be able to return to the present.  This experience is that strong and the memories are that powerful and for that reason I believe it is very dangerous and while on estrogen you have to be ever so careful when reflecting in the past.

How strong and powerful are the memories?  For example, I can put myself in the chair I sat in when I was in Mrs. Neal’s first grade class.  I can remember with great clarity the boy next to me Tim and, if I concentrate, I can look into my crayon box and see what colors on in it.  Then I remember that my favorite color was silver and how crayon was so worn down.  Furthermore, I can visualize picking the crayon up and put it in my hand and that is where I stop.  Fortunately I realize that no one should have power to remember the past with such clarity and at this point it is an obsession and wonder if I as I go deeper and deeper into this memory it could become very dangerous. 

In my research of estrogen I came upon several articles that explained that estrogen is used in stroke victims to help restore their memory.  So given my experience on estrogen my feeling is that if it can help stroke victims restore their memory it can be a very powerful drug that an increase a undamaged brain with memories that is unspoken of in any research or study or blog. 

Also in my research estrogen has been found to increase your memory and in doing this the estrogen uses the new memory to develop a new way of learning and in my case I believe a more efficient way to learn.  I concluded early in my estrogen treatment that I was “thinking differently’ and because of it I was able to resolve issues that I could not have resolved in the past nearly 50 years.  For example, I struggled with my weight all of my life.  In the second week I began to work out and I was able to draw out of my memory exercises and mix the right exercises from my aerobics classes,  martial arts classes, physical training in the marines, or anything I had learned in books over the years on diet and physical fitness.   In all honesty, I lost most of the 100 lbs in just 5 months because I was able to mix the right diet and exercise because my brain now was like a finely oiled machine and on a mission. Where there was nothing that was going to stop me from becoming the woman of my dreams.

I believed this new ability to put all this information together to loss the weight is because of the estrogen.  I had resolved a major issue which had eluded me for nearly 30 years and it was because of the estrogen treatment.  

  More tonight time to work out

Dont mess with my baby girl, update 8/31/2012

I will update my blog again by this friday, hopefully, about how the my experience with  arthritis changed my perspective and prospective of life and how short it is and moved me from the sidelines to front and center.  In particular I will focus on how advocating for my daughter lead to advocating for myself.  My transformation began the minute my daughter was born not 2010 when I decided to stop being don.



thank you

Rachel

Daddy, "don't worry it will be ok."

I have come to realize that my blogs are so deeply emotional to me and more physically and emotionally draining that I thought they would be.  But I believe in what I am doing and hope it will help so many others.

This blog is dedicated to my daughter who I love more than anything in the world. 

The life changing moment in my life was when my daughter was born in 1992.  It was no accident that she has the same name as my best friend Natalie.  If I had my way my friend, Natalie, would have been the god mother but due to the hard rules of the Catholic Church it was not permitted.  I was kicking and screaming because Natalie was my first, second and third choice of god mothers but I had to concede on this issue because of church rules.

With the birth of my daughter my life took a turn for the positive and gave me a sense of direction and purpose that I had never had in my life.  I love my daughter more than anything in the world like any parent.  But to hold a child that you know is part of you is beyond words until you are actually in that moment.  I felt so lucky and fortunate to have shared in the birth of my one and only daughter. 

Doing this time SIDS (sudden Infant Death Syndrome) was in the news often enough that I will go in to my daughter’s room in the middle of the night to make sure she was ok.  I also gave her bottle in the middle of the night and make sure she was good through out the night.  When I would go to town she would come with me.  I loved my BaBa and she loved going by bys with her daddy.

But, as my mother would say, god forbid I try to sneak in the bathroom in the morning so I could go to bathroom and go back to bed.  I never would get back to bed because my daughter would hear me going to bathroom and say, “dada , dada…” I would try to ignore hoping she would go back to sleep but the Dada would get louder and louder.  So each morning I would go into her room and get her bed.  I might have been just a bit over protective but she was my pride and the joy of my life. 

But, by 1997 the relationship with my former wife had reached a point of no return.  I had developed severe rheumatoid Arthritis where I was unable to get around without the use of  crutches.  I was, in my mind, fighting for my very life and by December 1997 the relationship with my former wife had ended.   So, our family now consisted of me and little Natalie who was 5 years old.   Now I was going to have to fight for myself and Natalie whose love would help me fight the fight of my life against this horrible disease.

Doing this period of time I was on drug that was in its’ experimental trials called Enbrel.  I literally was a test subject for this new class of drugs that were supposedly able to reverse the effects of rheumatoid Arthritis.  I was fighting the depression that comes with this disease, a divorce and raising my daughter with the shear will to never quit but it was getting the best of me.  You have to understand that RA (rheumatoid arthritis ) has a cycle that I would break down like this 1. Inflammation of the joints 2. followed by fatigue 3. this is followed by sleep deprivation . 

The RA has reached the sleep deprivation stage with me and beyond and I did not know if I was coming or going.  Yes, there were days I would cry because the pain and depression was that bad.  Plus, my body would not respond to the enbrel for nine more months. So, how did I hang on for nearly a year and fight the depression and extreme pain of RA?( how bad was my RA ? according to my doctor out of 10 , 9 were better than me.)

I hung on and fought the RA and depression that comes with it because of my five year old daughter needed a daddy.  I could not look in her face and say “I quit.”  Also on a few occasions I could not hold back the tears because of the extreme pain of my RA and my daughter would see me crying.  She said, “daddy don’t worry it will be ok.”  She then would give me her favorite stuffed animal and say he will make you better daddy.   I am sure I cried more after she handed me her stuffed animal.  I knew by now I was fighting RA not just for me but my daughter Natalie.  (talking about a sense of purpose does it get any more important?)

I am sure at some subconscious level this gave me the drive to keep going and never quit because RA is one of the most crippling diseases known to mankind.  I also, looking back, feel guilty that in my eyes that her childhood ended to some extent because she had to take care of me to a point.  So, my daughter was experiencing the trauma of a divorce and her daddy was fighting RA.  I knew I had to fight RA and find a way to be there for my daughter.   There was no way I was going to orphan my daughter due to this disease; this simply was not going to happen.

Over the next two years with the help of Enbrel injections, my daughter, doctor and physical therapy some times 3 days a week I was able to reduce the RA inflammation.  It was caught early enough and with the right drug that my bones show no signs of Ra to this day.  But, the will to fight this disease I tribute to the love of  my five year old daughter who gave me so much strength at such a critical time in both of our lives. 

Doing this time in my life, my gender was for another day, I wanted to have the strength to take my daughter to school, preparing meals, getting to the bathroom, the very basics we all take for granted in our lives and I just wanted to survive this fight with RA.  My primary and secondary concern was my daughter and finding a way to be there for her every day.

 To survive this was a win in anyone’s book because I know what RA can be at its’ worst and I thought I was not going to make it and my daughter would be without her father.  I could not allow this to happen and found a way to fight because of the love of my daughter.  She is/was the most important thing in my life and I was not going to let myself or her down. 

I had plenty of help from my family but my grandmother in particular.  Natalie and I partially lived at my grandmother’s house and my grandmother made sure Natalie knew she was important to her and everyone.  My grandmother knew first hand about RA because she had it most of her life.  She would say, “Donnie, wait till it get’s in your big toe.” She made me us both laugh and helped us both through this hard time in our lives.  I will speak about my grandmother in a blog but let me say for now that she was very important to Natalie and helped her through the divorce and the time I needed to heal with my RA.  I think the family, as whole, gets their toughness and stubbornness from my grandmother but that is for another day.   My grandmother was a rock for both Natalie and myself until she passed.

I am sure reading through this blog that you probably did not think once of transsexual or transgendered woman because I can tell you without a doubt that I did not even think of it until my RA healed.  I was lucky enough to have the medicine, the will via the love of my daughter, and my will to be there for my daughter to survive this stage of my life.  I was one of lucky ones in the fight with RA.

My daughter means the world to me and, like other parents, I hated to see her see me like this and have to take care of me for the first year of this disease.  

As I told Natalie in the past, “ if I had another daughter I would want it to be you.”  I meant that from the bottom of my heart and still do.  Thank you for being my daughter and loving me.

Love

Daddy

is this not a priviledge? my daughter and prospective of my life

I will update my blog  by Friday and it will be dedicated to the girl that changed my life in  a profound way.  I have not made this journey by myself but through the blessing of so many women around me that have helped me become my true self.  Like every parent in America, like myself, I feel our  children are truly our national treasure that should not be taken for granted.  That could not be any truer especially with my daughter Natalie. 

In many ways I have lived a privileged life.  I served in the marines corps and traveled to eight different countries by the time I was 24.  Then I attended and graduated from one of the best universities in the country.  That was followed by the privilege of raising my daughter until she was 18 years old.  Then at 50 with my life experiences behind me I was able to become the woman of my dreams.  Then add the opportunities to speak about my life experiences and my gender in a large public forum which helped  so many others.

discussion:
Is this not a privilege?

 but it is also sad that because I am different type of woman  I had to wait 50 years to be a woman and why?

Like the blonde says it is all about perceptions and prospective and I have been very fortunate in my life with the best yet to come.  I am like the energizer bunny and never quit. 

thank you 

Rachel

Rachel "sexual Sneezing"

I wanted to go forward and begin to talk about my thought processes and how my memory has improved dramatically while on estrogen.  However, when I was editing my speech from the Regional Conference last week  it brought to the surface just how deep the wounds are revolving around my mother’s death. It took me the better part of two days to push my way through editing this speech because I  most definitely have not gotten past it like I thought I had before I did the editing.

I thought enough time had past and I could edit it with a few tears.  Again, I was wrong because I cried and cried, at times uncontrollably,  as I edited the speech and at times I had to stop and come back to it.  I was able to push through the editing because it helped me heal and I believe in what I am doing by making the speech public. I also have no idea how I was able to bring myself to rewrite the speech to include my mother’s death and present it in front of the VA region in February.  It must have been the fact that privately I dedicated my speech to my mother that had just passed away.

So, tonight I will lighten things up a bit and try to inject some humor into my blog at my own expense. 

For years members of my family, friends and many others even strangers in doctor’s office and other public places have said after I sneeze , “god bless you.”  That usually elicited a unique “grin” mixed with a bashful smile from me.  Then I would reply, “thank you.” I have always left it at that and smiled some more with no one paying any attention to my nonverbal expressions.

If they only knew why I was sneezing many would not say, “God bless you.”  As a woman said once to my daughter and I, “I could tell you both beat a drum to a different beat".  We all have our quirks that makes us very unique and this one is mine. 

Half the time I sneeze it is due to a chill I get but the other half as nothing to do with the environment what so ever.  As I work up to what I want to say in this blog….this  Reminds of the time when I was trying to ask for a special request that was out of the box and wondered what the women would think of my request?. Back to my blog now,  I  also was thinking oh that is right I have emailed my blog link to friends, associates and every one I know in Portland and beyond.  Wow  I wonder what everyone will think of this and then I thought they will understand it is just how Rachel is and we know she is so transparent and wears her heart of her sleeve.   I often get this comment because of my transparency, peopel say "I have never met anyone like you."  This gets a laugh out of me.  I  just am thinking I am me.

Now, the other half of the time when I sneeze it is a because my mind has wondered to thinking about women.  That right I am a lesbian and my mind could drift to thinking of very sexual hot woman which comes from a fantasy in my thoughts or someone I have seen recently that I was attracted to at the mall.  

 What am I  thinking about these women?  wow I love to be with her and have her kiss me so softly  as we hold each other, perhaps I love her to caress my face ever so softly, caress up my arm with her long nails, or come behind me and push my hair to the side and kiss the back of my neck. Sorry to the anyone that is thinking it is about physical sex because that is not how I am wired.  I will take a soft wet kiss over sex any day of the week.  I have been like this since I can remember and I have traced it back to kissing a girl when I was 21.   

The dead give away  when I sneeze that it is about a woman is when I cannot stop sneezing and there is that grin mixed with a ever so slight blush.  But who would know the difference?   Until now no one because it was my little secret I kept to myself.  The difference now is that a lot of people will know my little secret but we all have secrets.  But now you know one of mine and it is something that is unique to Rachel.  

I think by sharing some very private things about myself that it will open up deep conversations well beyond my gender and there is more to me than my gender.  I have said in the past that " my gender is important to me but not the totality of me."  We all have very complex personalities and a unique set of characteristics.

Which get back to my question in one of my first blogs do you really know a transsexual woman?  I hope after you read more of my blogs that you will know at least one and that is me.    

What is unique about you?  

thank you 

Rachel

ps I will dive into my memories and the powerful effects of estrogen and memory this week.  I think I have healed enough to move on past the pain of last week and move on to revealing my private memories which estrogen has brought to the surface.

estrogen, childhood, US military researcher and positive attitude

This weekend I will gather some information I have collected over the last several months on how estrogen improves ones ability to recall so much from your childhood.  I will give very specific examples that I have experienced while on estrogen for the last year. 

The detail is outright scary and I would describe it as most people look through a prism in the past that is in black and white.  The estrogen allows me to see things in color and if I concentrate enough I can fine tune these  events and places.  This is what I meant by this can be a blessing or curse in my last blog.I do not believe my case is  atypical but I do understand why so many others would not want to talk about it.

I did not believe those on estrogen could recall their childhood back to the age of 5.  Again, my perception has changed, I was wrong and believe it is true and if not managed well can be a major issue/stressor on HRT. I had to do my own research to connect the dots and I hope by sharing with others they will not have to connect the dots during such a vulnerable time in our lives.

 I was seriously challenged to do research while going through HRT which caused a serious increase in  my anxiety.  My shear determination to become who I was born to me drove me and I had the tools many others do not have based on my previous job as a project manager for a US government contractor.   I did this for a living for three years and had honed my skills while at that job in finding information that was difficult if not impossible for others to find.

For example the US Navy requested that former employer  have a 1955 GE Switching Locomotive repaired.  Many you might be wondering why this was so important to the US Navy? This old locomotive pulls a caboose which is attached to freight cars that carrier "highly sensitive"  US ammunition and Nuclear ordinance to destinations throughout the country.  The two locomotives that needed repaired had not worked in over 20 years properly.  I found a guy that specialized in this rare locomotive and in three months it was working like it was new.  I worked tireless night and day and put in 12 plus hrs a day on this project while managing others and delivered where others had failed before.

Not once in my three years while I was a project manager did I fail to find a solution to any project.  I believe that there is always a solution.  The blond told me one day years ago she had heard a saying, "either you part of the problem or the solution." I believe that am problem solver whereas negative thinking focus on the the problem and people  cannot see the possibility that there is a solution.

I have been working on the biggest project of my life and that is my gender.  I will not and cannot fail because I visualize success not failure. I will succeed where others fail not because I am the smartest but because I have an insatiable drive to succeed and you could label that as persistence.  Zig Ziglar saying is , " persistence overcomes resistance."  He also says, and henry ford, "if you think you can or can't you are probably  right."  My positive mental attitude is a major reason that I have succeeded  in the Marines, Penn State, raising my daughter and my gender.

I will leave you for now but I will have a new posting on this topic by sunday pm.

thank you

Rachel

Rachel's VA Regional conference Speech February 2012

I would like to dedicate this blog to all the women who have helped me and empowered me from subtle ways to giving me a voice in the community.

This includes the casual wink by the lesbian couple, women on the max or bus, ladies that help me with make up at Norstrom's, my close friends , the blonde, my mother, my daughter, and the VA from the ladies at the check in to the nurses, doctors, the regional office, the advocate office and all that helped me over my life time that have helped give me the strength to speak.  There are hundreds of you and my sincere appreciation comes from the bottom of my heart and thank you.

All of you have done your part in my life and made my life so much better for it. Now I will do my part and open my heart of soul to the public and I hope that it will help others as you all have helped me.

again thank you,

Rachel

Now here is my speech from the regional conference and please take away the totality of the message and remember that I wrote this speech on the heels of one of biggest crisis in my adult life and thus there are typos and much more.  The message is what is important.  I risk much in revealing so much but much is to be gained. The benefits out weight the risk from my prospective.

The last and most important part of my speech is in outline form because I could not bring myself to write it up due to the trauma it created.

Lastly, this written speech is merely the content not the order in which it was presented at the conference. 
My power is in passion and my ability to speak from my heart and this probably is the key reason I was invited to speak. Like the blonde says " I have a heart of gold."

Good Afternoon everyone!

First, I would like to thank everyone for coming and for allowing me to share my story with you.  I am very honored and humbled to be such a position and I also realize that with out a lot of help ….This opportunity would not be possible. 

To me, this entire process has been so surreal and opened my eyes to how much the VA has changed over the years and how the outreach to the transgendered community has evolved.  I would like to thank Director Francoise and Director Jones for the opportunity to speak with you today which demonstrates to me that the VA is sincere and truly interested in hearing a voice of the Transgendered Community.

I would like to thank my Endocrinologist, who has initialized my hormone treatment and who has coordinated my treatment with Dr. Simon, my pcp,  to ensure that I am provided with hormones in the very better manner.  I also would like to thank the Portland VA Director and the chief of Staff of Portland VA, and the entire staff of the Portland VA Hospital for the excellent quality of care I have received at the hospital.

I want to digress for a minute and say that, not only the care has been superb, but many of the staff have gone out of there way to make me feel at home while at in the Portland Hospital.  Such comments by the staff include:  “I like your dress… and it looks good on you, and you really look nice as always, and a hello from a pharmacy employee on the local bus.  This extra effort by the staff, at this level, goes above and beyond what other medical providers have demonstrated to me.  This personal touch means a lot not only to me but all Veterans. (additionally, since this speech the women’s health care clinic reached out to me a day after I called them with health concerns to ensure I was doing fine… I never had that love and touch from the private sector.  It was very important to me since I am on hormone therapy… the most vulnerable time in my life)

First, I also would like to take the time to thank the entire staff at Portland East Clinic, especially Dr. Simon and her staff, who created an atmosphere of trust with me from my first appointment at the Clinic.  This atmosphere of trust was critical in my care as it has allowed me to have open and honest discussions about the sensitive issues surrounding my unique needs as a transgendered woman for example: When should I get my first mammogram?  Dr. Simon response was, “ … that is a good question rachel, let me find out and get back to you.”  I valued her response because she did not know but was willing to research the question and get back to me with the answer.  She has taken the extra time in the past to allow me to ask questions and I also had complete answers before she ended the appointment.  This extra time demonstrated to me that she truly cares and she will take the time needed to gather the additional information to make the best possible decision in providing excellent health to me.  The relationship I have with Dr. Simon was so important in making me feel like I was part of the VA community and at the same time it also increased my trust in, not just her, but the entire VA hospital. 

When I was informed that I was entitled to services at Women’s Health Care Center; “I responded, “I am very confident in Dr. Simon abilities and have developed an excellent relationship with her and prefer to keep her as my Primary Care doctor.  (since then Dr. Simon has moved out of the VA system and I have moved to women’s health care for my medical needs.)

I would like to start by saying that …….. I am not an expert on transgendered issues nor speak for the community but I will offer some of my personal experiences from my prospective and perception.  Everyone in the transgendered community has a very unique experience. But I do believe that there are many parallels with my story and other transsexuals and by sharing my story that it will open a window into what it is like to be a transgendered woman.  There are very unique challenges in a transgendered woman’s life and I will offer some perspective from my experiences.   

I believe by sharing my story it will not only open a window or door into the transgendered veteran community but could open the door for further communication and understanding well beyond this meeting.  I also think I will learn a great deal from the questions you ask.  It will give me an idea of what the perspective and perception is of the transgendered community. 

For example, I was actually enlightened by my daughter that my prospective of hormones and her prospective of hormones is quite different.  Specifically, from her point of view, she sees hormones as in her words, “…daddy it is like plastic surgery.”  From my prospective, hormones are medication that are medically necessary as any medication would be for treatment.

After my daughter and I discussed hormones, there was a pause in the conversation and she stated, “Daddy, I am really trying to understand.”  I said, “I understand where you are coming from now.”

  I honestly believe this type of conversation between the staff of the VA and the transgender community would benefit the VA community as whole.

How did I get to opportunity to speak with you today?

When I met with director Francoise back in December and I shared my story with her and just how much progress I had made in such a short time with my hormone treatment provided by the Portland VA.  I also went into detail about where I was mentally and physically on August 4, 2011 and how far I had come in five short months.  I believe she was taken by my success and just how transparent I was about my personal growth and experience with the hormone treatment.  I told her about the challenges I had overcome and with each new challenge I had a new challenge to work on and believe the hormone medication provided by the VA was a critical piece of the puzzle that had been missing for at least the last 30 years.

 I credited the hormones and environment as the last two critical pieces of the puzzles to resolve issues that I was unable and unwilling to revolve in the last 30 years. I also believed that the supportive Portland community and my medication were two critical pieces of the puzzle.   

I requested to share my story with other Doctors and staff because I believed I could make a difference and by doing this it would help other Transgendered Veterans. (in all honesty I realized few had the good fortune to meet with the senior leadership of the VA and clarification on my specific issue was minor compared to my larger goal of establishing a long term relationship where I could talk to the people who implement policy.  )

Today, I will give you an unedited and true account of my experiences while on estrogen. At the time I started the hormone replace therapy, I had no idea how critical the timing was in my life and on January 22, 2012 it would become so apparent why I needed the estrogen treatment starting on August 4, 2011 and not a day or month later.  I would be in the middle of family crisis surrounding my gender identification. This crisis would change my life in such a profound way and I could have regretted not transitioning with the assistance of estrogen. It was literally a life changing experience which I will talk about later.  I am saying time was not on my side and there was a sense of urgency that I was unaware of at this time.

I have done over  thousands of hours of research on sites like National Institute of Health and the WPATH(Benjamin Harry Standards), asking questions to doctors,  and talked to other transgendered women on line and truly I understand what the  physical implications of what estrogen does and does not do  to your body.  However, I have yet to read one article on the possible mental health transformation which I have experienced over the last six months. The mental health transformation has been so profound that I can state, without a doubt, that the transformation with the estrogen was 10 percent physical and 90 percent mentally. (at this time I thought I knew what to expect but given how much I went through in the 6 months since my speech … I had not a clue….another change in perceptive)

 It is my intension to reveal much of my thought processes and how I was able to overcome the challenges.  I know this is a bold and racial new approach but I really don’t see how the current situation is satisfactory to the doctors or the transgender community where there is this wall of secrecy.

I truly understand I am literally opening Pandora’s box into the mind of a transgendered woman.  I accept the risk involved and have been assured by director  Francoise that what I am about to disclose will be kept in strictest of confidence within the VA Medical System.  I trust her and I will trust everyone will respect my information and privacy with my family and my friends because I will give their real first names. (my trust was well placed and do not regret this to this day)

I going to start with my childhood and describe what is was like to live in my household while pretending to be a boy.  I will explain why I say “pretending to be a boy” later but this is how I view myself at this point in my life.  My family consisted of my father, mother, younger brother and younger sister. 

At this time, I thought we were your average family living in Middle America in rural central Pennsylvania.   My father was from Queens NYC and my mother from a small town in Pennsylvania as was her family where we lived.  My father was an insurance agent and my mother was a secretary at the local elementary school.  To me we were just your average America family.  But, inside from early age something was very different about me and I learned what was acceptable by family standards and society as a whole.  In response I would alter my choices to conform to society to what a male should like and not like and should do and not do.

From an early age I would softly challenge the rules and social norms.  It was more than a gender issue and rooted much deeper that I knew about at the time.

 For example:

I put my arms on the kitchen table and my mother said, “Donald take your arms off the table.” I responded but the French put their arms on the table and quickly she said, “we  are not French…” 

There was more than a rebellious kid underneath my skin and the female was about to pop her head out for a quick peek and I am sure my mother would never forget it.

My mother was painting the bedrooms and she had already painted my sisters pink.  She said, “what color do you want your room?” I said, “the same color as my sister’s.”  She said boys cannot have pink.  So then she suggested the color blue. So the both of us looked at different colors of blue on the paint chart and I found that the baby blue was my second pick. My mother then said what about this darker blue… I said no baby blue.  So, for nearly forty plus years I assumed my favorite color was blue and not pink.  This is the first time I can remember I compromised myself and this compromising would be a critical issue that I would regret.(according to many research articles estrogen “rewires the brain”  which started at week two for me.  The estrogen works on the neurons of the brain and elongates and thickens the dendrites and creates more efficient and stronger connections between the neurons in the brain.  This in turn improves your memory and your ability to learn is improved.  I did not know this at the conference but it has become very clear to me over the one year on estrogen. This could sounds like a gift but can be a mixed blessing which I will discuss in a later blog)

Then, hint number two to my  mother came when I wanted to play the violin since my father had sit us kids down and I had heard Beethoven 9^th symphony.  I fell in love with the sound of the violin.  I wanted badly to play the violin however again boys don’t play the violin.  So I ended up playing piano, then drums and played trombone for seven years.  Again, I compromised and settled for second best and this will become very important to  me when I decided to stop pretending to be a male. (once I compromised my most basic self , my gender, I had to think what is one more compromise and then another and then another??)

I was starting to understand that something might be different about me from an earlier age but at the time I had no idea what was going on.  I do remember one day, like it was yesterday, my dad and brother were cutting a piece of wood with a saw in the carport and I was not very good at it.  So, I decided to go in and see if I could help my mother cook because for some reason I felt like I wanted to cook.  So, I went into the house and asked to help her cook.  She said, “No go out with your father.”  Looking back, I felt like I did not belong.  I am sure by this time I was feeling very alone and not sure what was going on or where I belonged.  (I do remember trying to fish at a family picnic and the short of it is I forgot to hold onto the fishing rod and the rod went flying in the lake.  As my friend says I cannot make this up.  The male thing was not there all of my life but I pretended like so many of us do to fit in and not raise “eye brows”)

Fast forward to sixteen years old, this could have happened at earlier age I am not sure,  But, at sixteen when I am working and able to leave the house I was a local five and dime( like the dollar store today), and I  located a pair of sexy red thongs.  I want them but I live in small town and everyone knows everyone so buying them is out of question. So, I make the choice to purchase them but I know if I am discovered their will be dire consequences for me at home.  I am not talking about privileges taken away like the car or ability to go to dances but the corporal punishment from my father.  You have to realize I came from a very strict catholic family where you don’t ask why except for me.   My mother’s response was, “because I told you Donald.”

(Corporal punishment was the norm in the 70’s at home and used in the schools. At the local public high school whose parents were doctors and lawyers and parents like mine; we had a staff member whose job was to spank and keep all the kids in line and carried a large paddle around the high school.  I keep a very, very low profile since the times were very different than today.  ) 

So, getting caught with women’s panties would … there are no words to describe the humiliation and punishment I would receive not only from my family but other member of the community.  But honestly, it was something I needed and the benefit out weighted the risk in this sixteen year’s old mind.  So, I purchased a few thongs and thank god I never got caught. I had no idea what was going on in my head but I knew I had to keep it secret. 

  I held everything inside that was feminine because I knew of the consequences if my secret ever got out.  It was a prison camp to me without any possibility of parole so I did the most logical think I could or I thought I could from the mindset of a 17 year old.  I joined the marines via my friend in band.  One day my friend asked me, “hey Donnie why don’t you join the Marines?”  That question demand at least 3 seconds of thought processing power to say, “yes.” I thought freedom at last and the recruiter told me college money and travel the world.  I heard what I wanted to hear. (on many occasions my mother would say “think Donald”…. I should have thought that one through but I was 17)

Now let’s skip forward to 2011.

I started on hormones on August 4, 2011 and weighted in at 291 lbs.  Within two weeks, the estrogen had suppressed my appetite to the point I started to lose weight.  I no longer had to worry about over eating and thought to myself what if I started to walk? So, I started to walk a few blocks and before I knew it I was walking a few days a week.

Within the first month I must have lost twenty lbs.  I really wondered how is this possible?  Then I read an article on NIH website that stated that Estradiol was known to speed up your metabolism.  (national institute of health; also told me of the danger of estrogen in rare instances is anorectic state of mind and I thought what the hell have I got myself into?  This was no joke and HRT is serious business.  So, If you going to go on hormones and think this is an experiment please turn back now.  The consequences if you are not under the care of therapist and doctor are can be deadly.

My personal opinion is that I don’t care what the WPATH Standards  ( formerly Harry Benjamin standards) which state that you either need 3 months of therapy or three months of “real life experience” they are wrong.  I know something about this and please ask yourself a question:  Why do you think so many don’t make it or don’t talk about this in public? There are very good reasons for it and I will share in further blogs but for now be smart and get a good therapist, a doctor with experience in HRT and someone that will support you that you can call on 24/7 . It has happened to me and will happen to others and you will need this support person to call because hrt will test you like nothing in your life has ever tested you.  )

By the third month, I was down thirty lbs or so and had mixed jogging and walking in with my workout.  But what perplexed me is that I have serious Rheumatoid Arthritis and had broken both my ankles in the marines and also I had my left knee scoped.  This progress did not make any sense.  How was this possible?  I did not know but I kept riding the improbable wave.  By December 1, 2011, I was running up to VA Hospital and back down the hill non- stop in a time of 1:30 minutes and weighted 210 lbs.

I now run the same six miles in 1:08 hours two -three times a week and lift weights twice a week and my weight is 188 lbs.  Let me put this in to prospective;  in six months I have gone from 292 lbs to 188 lbs and, that not the half of it,  I can do splits that I have not done since I was 19 yrs old and have strength to go along with it.  What happened to the arthritis and what really happened inside was key to my overnight success.  Everyone could see the physically changes but that paled in comparison to what happened mentally.(no mystery to me now and the answer is partially that the spirolatane reduced my arthritis inflammation as the estrogen “rewired my brain.” But how it all came together in six months is the mystery and with over 100 lbs that came off I have no excess skin )

This is the major reason I have decided to come out and speak.  My experience is so unique or is it?  I researched so much on hormones for years and no article or medical doctor or transgender has ever spoken of what I have experienced.  The transformation came from within and at a rate that is unspoken of to the best of my knowledge.  I truly understand the concern of doctors and prescribing hormones now from a point of view I did not have before.  If I did not have thirty years of preparing for this journey in the last six months I would be in serious trouble. 

I had to use every skill set I ever learned in my life. This included:

• Marine corps training for physical endurance
• Aerobics
• Two ½  years of Dialectal behavior Therapy Classes
• Zig Ziglar and positive mental attitude
• If you think you can or can’t you probably right
• FEAR; false evidence appearing real
• Strive for progress not perfection
• …who you become in achieving your goals is so important

·         Life experiences and that includes raising my daughter for 18 years

My positive attitude was another key piece of the puzzle.  There were so many pieces of the puzzle but attitude was very important and my willingness to share my story was another asset which many do not have.  My sales career had played another important role because I was used to talking to people.  I love to talk and it was another gift that was needed in my “transition.”  I have learned to blend what I need from the past to the present and this is and was a serious challenge but I found a way.

I also found out that the running is what grounded me and this established a goal each day where I started to feel good about “new” self.  At first when I started to run I was very angry and began to understand that I was using anger all my life when I ran to compensate for the pain. This pain was associated with my joints and this had existed since I was at least 19 yrs old.

 I started to learn and acknowledge the fact this was not what I was about and then change slowly occurred.  But slowly was measured in weeks, not months or years, I was searching in my mind for what is going on?  I intuitive knew the way I was thinking was dramatically changing and fast.  I was, at times, struggling to keep on the pace with my quick mental transition and it literally took every skill I learned in my life. 

But also, I realized I had merged the beliefs of Zig Ziglar positive mental attitude and DBT.(Dialectal behavior therapy)  To such a point,  I began to perform to my potential and reflected while in the act for example, I had started to run 8 miles and it was draining me to point I could not do anything else that day.  Then one day, I was running and I asked myself:  “why am I running 8 miles?  What is the real Goal? Is it to run 13k run or become slender and sexy woman? “I quickly realized on the run that my goal was to become slender and sexy and a piece of paper on my wall with certificate I had run 13k would mean nothing to me.  I then realized something special had happened for the first time in my life.  What was going on in my mind? What had dramatically changed that I was able to put everything together in months where I had failed for nearly 50 yrs?

For months I refused to believe it could be my gender and it was that simplistic.  I had compromised my morals to compensate and protect the woman within so she was safe.  But in doing so, I had caused a conflict between right and wrong and what was one more value compromised since I was not being true to myself as a woman.  (I compromised my basic value of my gender and there was a cascade effect all aspects of my life)

But once I was being true to myself as a woman I no longer needed vices such as pornography, cybering or overeating.  This is the only way I could logically see where all the vices I had used were not needed anymore.  Not only where they not needed I found them repulsive and thought how did I sink so low in my life?   A life experience was about to bare how vulnerable I had become , and in a painful way, that I had changed and it would push my emotions to the edge.  This experience pushed me so hard and I never saw it coming.

I had been applying for work on line and had very little success so I decided what hell, almost jokingly, I will apply on line at this adult store.  Because before the estrogen and the changing internally it was part of my life and I frequented adult businesses.  So I thought I might enjoy working around pornography.  I went in for the interview and doing the interview the guy asked me, “what kind of toys and devices do you use that are in our store?  I responded “I have…then refused to give any details and I was in shock he even ask that question.  I left the interview and went home thinking that guy was a “pig” for asking me that question but figured what the hell.

 I was in a lot worse shape then I thought and immediately entering my apartment I started to cry and could not stop.  I said out loud, “how low have I sank? I cannot do this and it is not me……many women like me cross this line but I cannot.  I reached out to a friend, joy, I confided in her and I told her I have sunk so low and cannot believe it.  I cried uncontrollably and cried and cried ….. I could not stop crying.  I was pushed so hard that I thought I was about to mentally break but somehow I was able to talk to joy and calm down after about 20 minutes. Then, after I got off the phone I was so mentally and physically exhausted that I collapsed on my bed and went to sleep.  (This is why you need the proper support on HRT and if you think you can handle it on your own? You are wrong.  I thought I had read everything there is to read over a 30 yr period, the key word thought, I knew what I was getting myself into but I was wrong.  As the smart ass blonde ,Natalie, told me one day Welcome to Womanhood.)

A few days later, I realized that something special had happened but was not sure how to label it or how I would cope with it in the future.  Although at the time, I understood that the crying was not only a release but a way my mind and body was deal with difficult issues and I perceived crying as positive. (How often do similar events happen?  It all depends on the mood of estrogen and it could be days in between or hours or minutes.  You simply have no warning at all.  Fight it and I can almost guarantee it will do you in so, again, if HRT is an experiment I would opt out now. I thought marine boot camp was hard my perception of that is different now.)

There is another powerful example but before I tell you about it.  Let me say again, I had to deal with every possible demon and emotion that was just below the surface and this example was so powerful and I am glad I had the resources I did or the door could have swung the other way. (The other way can be defined as drug, alcohol or worse suicide.  I will not sugarcoat the situation and all that is good about estrogen can go that other way without the support network which includes doctors, therapist, and the friend that on call 24/7.)

 I had come to realize that my brain had been rewired to the way it was suppose to be and I literally feel like I have been reborn and for the first time in my life really feel alive.  Then, I acknowledged that what was between my legs did not match the brain.  The breast growth was to me very satisfactory but what is the penis doing there and as I lost weight it became a major issue.  However one day it reached a crescendo I was in my apartment and begun to cry again.  This time I was looking between my legs and could not believe how God or natural selection had done something so wrong.  I could not stop crying and lying on my bed I had a thought “what if I was to cut it off?”  Almost immediately my logical part of my brain said, “what would that solve?”  Then, I thought what am I going to do? …. Crying some more…… Again I called joy and she helped me thought this heart wrenching time again.  The personal growth that was occurring was dramatically fast and took so much out of me but it really was worth it.  Why? Because I was crying and letting my true emotions out there was no more depression or anxiety.  The clinical depression that had plagued me for decades was gone and in six short months. (fyi I used the exact language at the regional conference…the content of my speech was mine and mine alone)

 Just when I thought I had it all figured out … actually I had put everything in nice box … exactly what I ask others not to do with me.  Of all people, my daughter would point me in a direction that would unleash a powerful force from the past that would explain so much of my life.  This person I had not spoken to in years.

First let me explain that I raised my daughter from the age of 5-18. So, I got my dream of sorts to be a mother less the child bearing however I had developed severe Arthritis by 1997.  It took nearly two years of physical therapy three times a week and twice a week injections of enbrel.  This was a true test of character and my will to survive and make sure my daughter had a role model in her life. 

My daughter was five when I developed this horrible disease and I looked at her face and I remember how I was deeply hurt that her childhood ended at five because she had to take care of me.  I was determined to do what it took to get better.  How bad was my arthritis?  I asked my doctor who treated me that exact question and without hesitation he said, “out of ten , nine were better than you.” 

 I had always made sure my daughter knew she was important and I was positive role model.    I knew my daughter, Natalie, was very smart from an early age as I struggled to keep up in elementary school explaining the concept of the big bang theory.  I did not struggle per say but was trying to mentally cope with how smart my daughter was at an early age. I hoped my college education would be able to keep me ahead of her to at least the age of 12.

On January 15, 2012, I was talking to Natalie and we had been dancing around my transition for months.  We had talked briefly about her coming to see me and both of us back off because of many reasons. Both of us had no desire to hurt each others feeling and it was going to take more time.

I then said “ I really only had one best friend in my life and that was Natalie.”  She was a friend of mine back in college who I named my daughter after.  My daughter, Natalie, then said “ it would be good to know how she is and may be you should email her?”  I said I had thought about her a lot recently and maybe I would try to find her.

What I had not told my daughter is that my Friend, Natalie, probably was not only my friend but my female role model and I did not realize it at Penn State.  I was not ready for the door I was about to open a door  and the intensity would equal that of my gender for my friend Natalie, who I refer to as the blonde, was about to come back into my life after eight long years.

What I need to tell you about the blonde first is that we were such good friends at Penn state that our families honestly believed we were dating.  We always laughed about that because as close as we were neither one was attracted to the other.  But we shared something, intangible, between us that neither of us could describe.  At Penn State we were like our own little family and she would cook for me and we just have this close bond.  It was more than friends but you literally cannot put our friendship into a box.

At critically times my friend, Natalie, has been by my side to help me in life.  That was never more apparent then March 1988 when we both were seniors.  My father had passed away on March 10, 1988 and the funeral scheduled a few days later.  I asked Natalie to come to be with me doing the funeral.  Doing the  funeral when I could no longer contain my emotions I cried on Natalie s shoulder.  It occurs to me now that at this point, if not before, we were more than friends and she had filled a void in life where I felt empty and she is more like a sister than a friend.

Natalie said years later I was looking for someone to develop a friendship with and we met and bonded almost immediately in the Fall of 1984.  She had just broken up with student who had been in the marines and she was crying and I stopped while on my bike and asked her if she was ok?  She was so touched that I was there for her and within a short time we were almost inseparable for the next four years in college.

Looking back again, she and I had developed a most functional relationship that I ever had that in my life prior to meeting her.  I believe based on our relationship I was able to build on it and, in my heart of hearts, believe it is a major reason I was able to have better relationships in my life.  She had a big impact on my life and me on hers.  She told me one day that she learns just as much from me as I do from her.

So fast forward to 2004, while still fighting arthritis I need her help in a big way and reached out to her.   At this time, my friend, Natalie, and now her family with husband and two children are in Florida.  I talked to my friend Natalie and I asked to come visit me and I needed her help.  Within a few days, she packed up her children and traveled and dropped her children off with her parents and came to assist me.  Shortly after that we had a falling out and I told her not to call me again.  Back then she tried to help but I was unable to accept any help from anyone. 

I had written her off until January 16^th this year.  I called and I asked for Natalie on the phone and she said, “who is this?”  I said this is Don.  She then said, I did not think I ever hear from you again. First, I apologized for what I had told her and done in the past and she thought I never would call again.   She also said I was worried about you and then we started to talk.  The more we talked the more I wondered what really happened eight years ago.  She knew that it was exactly eight years ago and asked how I was doing.  We talked for over three hours.  Doing this conversation I told her everything about me and that she was my female role model in college.  (She was the first person I ever told about my gender and it was while we both were in college.)

I asked her why does this relationship work for us?  She said,  “we are both from opposite of the tracks and …. You were always just nice to me.”  I was speechless since we had not talked in years and I had just walked away so abruptly so to speak .  When I got off the phone I cried as hard as I have ever that I had hurt the one woman that really loved me for me.  I said out loud to myself, “ my god what have I done???”   All my demons of self doubt had nearly destroyed my relationship with my friend. 

The next day we talked again and the following day with talked for another hour.  I started to ask her about years ago…. She said, “don you were in your reality years ago… but I can tell you are happy now.”  This may be true but how did I ever do this to you?  I have made peace with my actions and am resolved to ensure this never happens again.

You would think this is the end of the story but not with me.  After reconnecting with my friend Natalie after eight years I would need her just as much as I needed her when my father died if not more.  That following Sunday, my mother passed and she was first one I called before calling my daughter.  This woman is of incredible strength and character and has helped me through times that I hope no else has to go through. (I had learned of the death of my mother via the internet.  Who is to Blame? There is plenty of blame to go around from my family to me.  The thing is my family and I did not talk and funny thing our phones were working but I did not call and they did not call.  I had written a letter to my mother making it official I was Rachel Reid and left it up to my mother to call me.  Everyone shares equally in the blame and six months after her death nothing would have changed because we simply did not talk.  We both were wrong .)

Why tell this story? 

• Tells a story that about how my family dealt with a transgendered woman in the family
• Time of denial has ended and the family has to confront I am transgendered woman
• My letter to my mother was passed to her priest ; she could not verbalize her feelings but she could show my letter to the priest
• How I was able to turn the biggest crisis I have know in my life from a negative to positive experience to the best of my ability
•  few in the family who love me as Donnie love me as Rachel , no more no less
• If you did not like Donnie, you definitely had an excuse not to like rachel
• My perception of my family was there is no way they would accept me as female; was right and wrong; everyone did not fit in to the “no” box
• I never gave them the chance to say no
• I said no for the entire family without talking to anyone
• But when communications between myself and family happened I was surprised of the outcome….there were some that were put in a box by me that should have not been….. that is all on me
• How I underestimated  my mothers capabilities  and how she lead me back home
•  my perception of my family could not have been so wrong based on assumptions that were not based on communication but on what I thought they could handle; perceptions
• This would test my support system and my ability to deal with stress at level I never knew I could overcome, work through and give a speech about it in less then three weeks later

Background

2004                                come out to mother

·         she stated “it your father’s fault”

·         Donnie,  “ I have to walk the dog”

·         We both never talked about it again; we agreed to disagree ; this never works

January 2005

·         Aunt confronts me at Grandmother’s funeral viewing and I figured I will get in front of the issue and told a few I trusted in the family I am a transgendered woman

·         I blacked out that I told my cousin and aunt that I was a transgendered woman

·         90 percent of the family knew I knew I was transgendered woman but this event traumatized me so much I did not recall saying this

July-August 2011                    Mother states am dying and has know for one year and she says

           

                                                Will fight it and never says another word on the topic….

·         Note I started hormones august 4, 2011

November 2011          I write letter to mother

·         I writing this letter so I can say what I need to say

·         I have transitioned to female and my new name is Rachel and my gendered has been changed on my license

·         I hope in time you can understand

·         Here is my new phone number

·         Signed Rachel

December  2011          Mom writes back

·         I had two sons and daughter

·         You were a Handsome baby boy and always will

·         Come to my funeral as my son or not at all

·         Love mom

(this is the last communication I had with my mother and how sad for us both)

January 22, 2012 Sunday

• looked at altoona mirror, local newspaper online, and her picture was on it in the death notices and she had died Friday
• (I thought I was prepared and I could have not been more wrong … I was crying uncontrollably …. It was so surreal )

• I leaned on Natalie and gained my composure to some extent

• Then called my daughter natalie

• Told my daughter of the viewing arrangement are set for that Tuesday

• She says I will go as I promised for both of us

• Since I never talked to my family they did not know I was going to stay away from my mother’s funeral out of respect for the celebration of her life; I did not want everyone in the family to remember her funeral as when “ Rachel” came home;

• (do I regret this… honestly I am not sure but what is done is done)

Monday

• My brother calls that Monday and states:
• Hi how are you …. I say good
• Mom died
• I know I saw it online
• I will not be able to attend
• Ah right

( we had not talked in probably 10 years ….. both to blame again)

Tuesday

            My daughter goes to viewing and meets my one aunt

The aunt Helps my daughter through her emotions and …. I just was so hurt by my brother waited until 3 days later to call me …..

                                               

                                   
Wednesday

Then I call my aunt to thank her for taking care of my daughter while she was at the funeral home

• My perception of my mother is about to take a turn that I did not expect ; nor ever dream she was capable of
• Aunt tells me in her last days my mom said… I keep calling Donnie but he will not pick up the phone….I asked aunt how many times?  aunt says  I don’t know
• I thinking why did no one call me

(like I said earlier plenty of blame to put on all including me…. Anyone in the family could have called and after writing the letter I could have called and that part is on me)

• My mother sought the counselor of the priest …..about me
• Mother says I have talked to the father(the priest) ….. after talking to him my mother states to aunt and uncle I need to tell you something about Donnie.  But my mother never says another word about what it is?
• I believe my mother cracked the door so I could tell my aunt about me
• I asked my aunt you know what is …. I am transgendered woman
• She says I know
• I said “how hell you know that”
• You told me at your grandmother funeral… I did not even remember this… you told your cousin too… basically 90 percent of family knew since 04-05 but my letter to my mother made it official and before then we all could pretend there was not a problem….like many families I am sure

I thought my mother did not love me…she  loved me enough to seek the counsel of a priest and that lead aunt to me… my mother knew who I would reach out to if anyone in the family and she was so right

I got home … My mother wanted to make sure someone looked after me after she died … my aunt …we email each other now and talk for hours……

(sadly this aunt died in April 2012; she lived long enough to give me enough closure with my mother’s death)

Perception…I reached out to the priest that last talked to my mother….The priest said your mother did not approve of your “lifestyle choice” but please understand she did love you very much

There was only one person in the world that could bring me home in my heart and she was the incredible woman that brought me into this world… and in her dying days she reached out to a priest …. Then my aunt…..  then she brought me home…… no gift was ever so great to me from my mother

She changed my perception of her and the idea she did love me

I am more committed than ever to helping other veterans like myself so that perceptions are not misinterpreted which are  based on zero communication with family or friends…… this was a painful lesson …. I seek to help other so they don’t have to learn the way I did……. 

(this is transsexual issue, veteran issue and societal issue and so many lessons learned in such a time of crisis and there were a lot of good things I learned when my mother died but it is ashamed she had to die for me to understand she loved me.)