two more email and the honest truth of the strength estrogen, the environment

here are the two unedited emails to two dear friends

i am so blessed that you .......... are in my live. truly is the gospel truth i am not sure i would be here without all of you .  i understand why the others have so little effectiveness while on estrogen and why my on  experience is so unique . it has nothing , and i mean nothing, to do with the strength nor dosage of estrogen but purely the environment and people that are in your life. this last week is proof positive because all week my estrogen did not work and last night i started to cry again and this morning i was a basket case again. i was crying also this morning because  i am back to my emotional self. i am thankful for you and everyone in my inner circle.

i even told ....... i think  the reason all of this works between all of us is i would not care if you were a stay at home mom, manager at macdonald. we see each other as human beings then as women then whatever label society chooses to put on us.  none of our life is an accident and especially the last three years of my life.

thank you and god bless

rachel
ps i remember when i said about god and you said some of us believe in god... and last note a woman told me about how  her class taught her that the estrogen makes us women , like me, more gabby. as my mother would say i beg to differ and I will simply say  my aunt told me in the  past, long ago, i have the gift of gab. i talked non stop since i was a kid. my mother would say, " donald would you please shut up .. you are driving me nuts." i cannot speak for the others but my :"big mouth' came with me at birth.

 i think so many are reaching and trying to explain why estrogen does what is does and perhaps i/we were just born with a female brain and others cannot understand how that is possible from the prospective of science yet.  in god's eyes i honestly wonder at times if he is looking through my eyes of how others treat me?  i also  would not trade my body nor mind for anyone else .. i have thought of it .... i love me as me but need a slight modification .. really soon..... ok i will shut up now lol


 email 2 :

i wanted to forward my thoughts to.......to you. i am so glad all of you are in my life because it gives me a fighting chance. i think my life is so different on estrogen because there is a big goal which i am trying to turn into a group project with a few good friends.  the big goal creates excitement, ziglar, and changes how i look at the world and my experience on estrogen. if i had my way the va i  would be the first for the va to so the srs surgery. i know that is not possible so i am trying to do the next best thing by going to thailand and coming home so  my friends at the va can help me heal and we all can learn from this unique experience.


i have heard too many times in blogs and facebook groups " I will not be the general population educational tool." i ask why not?  then how can you expect others to understand you if you are not willing to share. i taught my daughter that sharing is caring .  i intend to share and care the rest of my life and this also alters my experience of hormones . i wish so many others could see the world through my eyes and begin to heal. i hope in time i can help others but i need to help me first,

sexual reassignment checklist by a surgeon in united states

hi

I will not be able to afford her services but the information and the checklist seem very though.  i also learned a few things i will need to do before surgery. also like i thought she does not recommend removing estrogen but tapering the estradiol down to 2mg day. I also saw some useful things to purchase before the surgery.

http://www.marcibowers.com/grs/checklist.pdf

thank you


Rachel

ps spoke to a gentleman who had surgery in thailand , non srs, and he recommend a the hospital to me .this might be a solution since the doctors work at the hospital and the hotel is located in the hospital.  this would ease my mind if an emergency would arise after srs surgery. navigating this journey is a nightmare but i am learning slowing to take one step at a time. well that sounded good.

I sent an  email to a friend and i told her the journey has put me to the edge of a very slippery slope which i hope i don't fall off to my emotional death. there are no rights and wrongs in this journey but more questions everyday. all too much to deal with in the moment of an emotional crisis that seems never ending.

feedback on a doctor in thailand

found this on line.... one woman claims her daughter died 4 wks after srs ...... i was concerning this guy too.  what is true and not true i don't know but i wanted to share the info

http://chettawutwarning.wordpress.com/2012/12/21/dr-chettawut-tulayaphanich-thailand-ruined-my-face-after-ffs-facial-feminization-surgery/

http://www.makemeheal.com/directory/viewall.php?userentry_id=7434

am email to a friend in my darkest hours .... last week ... never stops

here is the email........ not pretty but the truth

I went to the ER yesterday because ,more on the account, of my anxiety than anything else. I was so cautious because of the dangers of this drug.  I had   run , after not running for several months, and pulled a muscle and was urinating frequently. The diagnosis was pulled muscles but in the moment all I could think of was will I have to come off of hormones?  the night before I nearly had a panic attack because of stress induced stress and now my breast hurt like never before. My hormones are raging more and more each day. Apparently it has nothing to do with the wine I was drinking in the past but purely the effects and length of time on estrogen.

All of this being said I was crying this morning and I have made the decision , although not a logical one from other people’s eyes, to go to Thailand once I have the 2,500 for surgery later this year or early next year. I truly understand the consequences of my decision and I could die. I would rather die as a woman than keep this thing between my legs. The emotional pain is more than I can handle. I emotionally cannot deal with this much longer and I will not turn back.

Am I happy I have to go this route? No of course not, but I don’t have any other recourse. The mental pain is more than I can bear and yes I have found a surgeon that will in all likelihood make my life a physical nightmare which I will regret but regret less than my present emotional pain. I am literally rolling the dice and  I realize this but in my eyes there are no other viable solutions in the next year less the one for 2500.00.

In the mean time I will try to raise the 15k for surgery but if I don’t have it raised by the time I have the 2500.00 and a total of 5k for travel and expense I will opt for the low cost solution.  I realize the va will not write me a letter for this surgery but this doctor does not require one so it is a non issue in this case.  Worse case scenario I can get a letter in Thailand so the doctor can do the surgery.

I am reading a thread in facebook about a woman going through the surgery in Thailand and they are releasing her after only four days after the surgery to stay in a hotel in Thailand.  She  has told of how the night nurse wrapped her wound incorrectly and how on the fourth day she woke up disoriented not knowing where she was at the time. She also said she had nightmares on the third day after surgery. I have nightmares and near panic attacks when I sleep during the day. I am familiar with this but  probably the intensity might be another level of hell too.

I guess I am down to dancing with the devil and pray to god I will come out on the other side ok. I will have to settle for ok since I do not have the resources to pay for surgery by a good surgeon. I see things for what they are and the people around me too. The estrogen has compelled me to see the reality of my life and this disorder/disease but at the end of the day if I hit 60 and if I have not had surgery , in all likelihood , there is a good possibility I would commit suicide and I cannot let it get that far.

I would rather deal with a lifetime of physical pain and possibly die then deal with this emotional pain for eternity. I know this is not rational in your eyes nor others but my options are so limited.  I know others have options and resources but I have only have this final solution unless something comes up  out of blue I will opt to  have the  cheap , low cost surgery no later than next January .

I do not expect you to understand but know that because of this pain I am exhausted from crying about it each and nearly every minute of each day. I have very little more to give ……. It has nearly sucked the life out of me for the last 50 yrs. I will have to roll the dice and pray I get lucky.

Thank you

srs doctor in thailand recommend by another woman

hi

i wanted to share some info with you concerning srs in thailand. this doctor works in a hospital that seems to be state of art in medical treatment. i will add some more info on sexual reassignment surgery, called now gendered reassignment , later this weekend .

http://www.chet-plasticsurgery.com/?page_id=5675

Standard SRS (Dr.Chettawut’s SRS non-inversion Technique with skin graft)

Inpatient 5 days 4 nights

333,000 baht (today exchange rate 8600.00 us dollars )

thank you

rachel

article on not speaking up in the work place, WRONG....

Hi

I wanted to share my response to an article I found on the net which basically says we should stay silent if we want promoted in the work place, WRONG.  I also am sharing this to share another piece of my life and my beliefs.

here is my response posted in facebook:

i think your prospective and study is not reflective of the truth on those of us that speak up. i blew the whistle on my former employer because he , a government contractor , was literally not paying people for work completed .

i spoke up at xerox in a call center environment where the employees were treated using the same methods as the military. the reason i spoke up is because , like so many, i am seeking respect. i found out speaking up and leading has a price. you will have your allies and you will have enemies. if you " zip it up" you are a merely follower and do as you are told and a less productive employee .

if we had more leaders companies would be more effective in production and thus more profitable . zipping it up mentality has marginal gains for the employer and the yes men and women get little done. we , the leaders, ruffle feathers and actually accomplish goals no one thinks are possible. we are the backbone of companies and corporations and say what needs to be said in a positive and respectful way but the truth. it has nothing to do with insecurity. as a marine I can say it has to do with one thing leadership which is lacking in society.

your article is not reflective of the reality of the business world.

thank you

rachel

here is the article i responded to :

http://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20140120061951-64875646-want-a-promotion-then-don-t-upspeak?fb_action_ids=524570710975294&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=[231886896982877]&action_type_map=[%22og.likes%22]&action_ref_map=[]

edited email to a friend

i thought i would share an edited copy of an email to a friend tonight.

thank you

rachel


............

In an attempt to push ..... you away I did, what I do best as times, self destructive acts designed to drive people away from me. In the moment I had no idea I was trying to push you away but in retrospect I did my very best. ...................  I am use to so called friends leaving me and abandoning me when they have further use for me. 

I take full responsibility for my actions I would like to apologize from the bottom my heart. I am truly sorry for the hurtful things I explicitly stated or implied in the email.  I cannot say it will not happen again but I will do my best.  I do appreciate your sincere friendship.

My hormones are not getting better but worse. I have never had breast pain like the last couple of weeks. I apparently am on the over 2 yr plan for breast growth. Research shows that hormones make your breast grow from 2-5 yrs.  I am stating to go back to my old self but it will take time. I was still using my right hand to sign documents in ........ office last week and that is a sign I am still in fight or flight mode.

I have tried over the last couple weeks to sleep in the middle of the day to alleviate some of the effects of hormones. But like before when I sleep in the middle of the day I have nightmares and not good ones and when I wake up I have  high anxiety that , at times , brings me close to a panic attack. This past weekend I came so close to a panic attack where I had pre dialed 911 and placed the phone near my head when I went to sleep. This really scared me just like the anxiety did back in 2012.

I also have put pieced together why my marriage failed years ago. I basically tried to turn my ex wife into my lesbian wife and she tried to turn me into her hetero husband. I think it would cross a boundary to tell you the details of how I learned of this in my memories. But I have been dreaming of a wife with daughter , during the day, and realized years ago I thought I could make it happen with my ex wife and it never was going to be. 

I also have more repressed memories of how I tried to “burn off “ my penis when I was a child and so much more. Thank god something told me not to push this any further than it went in my efforts to remove my penis.  As far as other memories at  young age I also started to act like the French models and people on television.  For example I would put my hands on the table like the French and hold my glass with my index finger just off the glass. My  mother would say , “what are you doing Donald?” she then would say hold your glass the right way with your whole hand. You cannot hide who you are on estrogen. All of this is overwhelming to the human mind and so much to deal with given all of life’s challenges.

Speaking of “ Donald.”  I have a new ........ She was trying to understand why there are two names on some documents. It would not have matter how she asked me although she asked me as kind as she could in regards to this question. She said “ not to pry into your private life but why the name Donald?:”  I explained and as I did I  nearly had a mental breakdown. That question cut me so deep and hours later I am still crying because of it .........meant no harm to me and said it was said so gently but I wish I was never named Donald.  The pain that I suffered because of this disease and the male name can never been fixed/ repaired/ ?  .

I know others try to run from the past and I understand it and I understand why because of the painful past. I am trying to remember the past  to heal in the moment but it challenges my ability to function. I really am not sure I am prepared mentally to return to work. I should have left Xerox months ago and not pushed my body and mind until I nearly had a total mental collapse.

Also on a note of not being able to hide no matter what you do to your body etc. I have found that my new hair style , like pink, has made me a bigger target and makes me stand out more in public. I was on the train this weekend and a guy came up to me and tried to look up my dress. I turned away from him and he asked me my name. I said I would rather not talk. He then said , “ oh you can go home and stand up and pee.” I was to livid and what I learned to do the in the marines almost came out and my smart mouth with it . I was so close and once I did that I could have baited him in and once he lunged at me I would have maced him.

I do not want to turn into an angry and bitter woman  but this  incident like the one above really push me close to my threshold of , excuse me, the shit anyone can take before acting out .  then I saw this same guy on the train tonight but he bothered someone else but honestly I was hoping for another encounter with him and I would thought I will put him in his place.  Deprogramming what I learned from my family and the marines is huge challenge to me. For example my mother would say, “ you want a problem I will give you a problem.”  My salvation in my late 20’s was penn state which is the first place I felt safe and could let down my guard and it was 50 percent funded by the VA.(my tours in the marines funded college)

.......

However if I go the route of disability my chance of surgery is reduced to almost zero because of the cost. This weekend again I thought of the cheap solution of 4k for travel and surgery in Thailand. I am pretty desperate for surgery and it ripping my heart apart piece by piece each day. It is far worse than the community tells anyone but the one woman did tell me she cried for nearly 2 yrs before her surgery.

.........  

Too much pain for any one person to endure over the long run while on hormones and after surgery. The more I talk that have surgery the more I hear I did not heal after surgery and all my fears are confirmed.  What to do? No one in the community is talking , literally no one on how to overcome the mental challenges.

 

I do appreciate your listening ear and our friendship

God bless

Rachel

Ps getting a bit of my bounce back…. In my hips … know that is funny but when my hormones and my mental health is good I can feel the difference mentally and physically… it has been a long time since I could say that… months…

I am one of the lucky ones that had options like the VA so I did not have to decide to go back , prostitutions, etc….. some one is looking over me ….. thank you god