Today is the 2nd anniversary on hormones and I don't regret where I am but I am far more challenged than I was just over 2 yrs ago. I would like to thank everyone that helped me in me journey for without your help I would not be here. No one person can go through hormones treatment alone and heal because the demons of the past will come forward so fast and hard that without help your destination is a dark place that one cannot imagine.
(am I the only one that has had this intense experience? that would be very difficult for me to believe. once I saw a transgendered advocate on tv stating "I am fantastic , my family is fantastic." it is very difficult for people to understand when one moves from one gender to another after family and friends have known you as one gender for years up to generations. ) It is time to have the difficult conversations so others don't have to endure the pain I and others have because of "misconceptions" and fear. ziglar calls fear, false evidence appearing real.
I have known people that think that if we pretend there is no issue , there is not issue and therefore we do not have a problem to talk about. Let's stop pretending so others know it is safe to come out and talk about their true experiences. I have talked to enough people who don't talk about the tough issues, glbt, pdst, etc and this in turns lead to further and eroding mental health issues which cost society in many ways. When will the this change when people open up their hears and minds to understanding one another. we have so much in common yet we push away people we don't understand. I am as guilty as anyone else because I am human being like everyone else.
I could have filed for disability but fortunately I had the courage and support that many others don't have in life journey to succeed in my personal and professional life. I truly believe that through god's good grace I have been given me opportunities to help others. Through blogging, speaking and moving forward in my professional life and challenging myself has paid off in many ways. My courage to speak out about the taboo topics has healed me so much in the past 2 yrs.
honestly I work in a call center where I hear " your name is what..." every other call and this happens while my hormones are raging. without the support at xerox and va and my friends I would not not made it through the last 24 mos on hormones. at times my hormones were raging so bad not so long ago I could not see the computer screen to complete a sale because my anxiety was so intense. instead of going home , this is a marine thing, I continued working and covered one eye with a one hand and thank god I had the sales script memorized. I never went home early one day and even worked a double shift on xmas.
A similar thing happened when I pulled my hamstring in May 12 when I had 3 panic attacks and was rushed to the portland va hospital via ambulance. after that injury my physical therapist told me not to run for 6 weeks because of the damage done to the hamstring. I don't know if this is a marine thing or rachel thing but within 5 weeks I was back to running my 6 miles. I am a strong willed woman and I am determined to be successful in my life despite the minor set backs.
I am determined to show that a woman like me can be a positive role model who is ethical, driven , successful while working in a large corporation and speaking about my experience from the prospective of my life experiences.
I know those that are stealth, like me, will come out if they know it is safe. I have a know a thing or two about this because of the safe environment in xerox and the va I have been able to lead. honestly, I had the courage because I felt safe to go to my boss at xerox and say , " give me the authority to increase sales in the next 60 days and if I fail fire me. I now know what I am capable of whereas I had no idea such a strong woman existed in me before moving to portland and going on hormones.
what was the cost to me to stay in hiding ? I cannot begin to measure how much damage was / is done because I am still healing. I can tell you that I would in all probably have been dead by 60 because my weight was averaging 300- 350 lbs at any given time. I hid my pain not with drugs or alcohol but my drug of choice .... food. my arthritis was so bad I could barely walk to my van and go to the grocery store.
today: I can run and have very little pain although I have advance rheumatoid arthritis which nearly took me down in 1997. I take enbrel injections twice a week coupled with my caffeine and estrogen which seem to have reduce my arthritis to a minimum level. thus my gender issues that seem to have nearly destroyed me saved my quality of life because I am on estrogen.
the people I would like to thank for the past two years on hormones:
the women in portland community, dress for success, women's crisis, catholic social services, va and xerox. to all of you thank you from the bottom of my heart. Leaders in the community have enabled me to move from "donald" to "rachel" and embraced, held me up but not enabled me which ensured a successful journey. This also has given me the strength to speak and lead while going through hormone replacement therapy.
note: 1989meeting with ceo of scott fizler corp at convention
when I was at a kirby convention in cleveland ohio in 1989. I had the pleasure to meet and talk with the ceo of scott fitzer who owns kirby. I thought to myself that he is like anyone else and this helped me understand that people are people and social economic status has some meaning but not the determining factor in success. I have had so many great life experiences which propelled me light years ahead in my journey over the last 2 yrs.
My sales career helped me heal and everyday I heard different prospectives from people from all different backgrounds. I did mostly door to door sales and some of it was in the dead of winter in the east which means it is cold as hell . I remember once I walked up an ice covered porch and fell back nearly hitting my head on the ice covered ground. the woman answered the door and while lying on my back i said, " i am doing special interviewing work in this area." sales takes a special type of person with the passion and drive to succeed.
I need a job where I am paid for my production not an hourly wage. my passion and drive to succeed is a key difference in my experience because doing the bare minimum will ensure in the sales field that you will be unemployed really fast. My experience in sales changed my prospective of life and why goals are important in a person's life. also I met some real characters in sales which could come from the movie like , "tin man" personally i think the movie depicted how sales people really think and act to large degree. we , sales people, are competitive, driven and not fit to work for min wage. also micromanaging us is a waste of resources and one given the direction " just make sales" we deliver results. we also have a bad habit of doing things our way and work hard and play even harder. this is another motto of sales.
I landed in lubbuck tx in 1988 soon after graduation from penn state University with no money and within 2 weeks I had job, car and a career. I walked into a car dealership with no money and a few days later I walked out with brand new escort with no money down. a saleswoman had a friend that was an insurance agent and she paid the insurance for me to drive the car off the sales lot.(i paid back the agent on my first pay check)I was paid draw against commission so otherwise if I did not sell I would be unemployment. like all of my life I have followed my heart.
who other than a sales woman with the passion to succeed would even consider such an adventure? my life has been like this since I was a kid. my mother use to say, " donald you live by the seat of your pants." she was right . I always want to do things my way and only alter my behavior if you can explain why your way is better.
sales people have this saying, zig ziglar, each no brings you closer to a yes. I hear no surgery, no surgery, but I know each no brings me closer to a yes and a solution for surgery and I also realize that surgery is part of my healing. my bigger goals of becoming a leader in society trumps my surgery and this thought process has changed my experience on hormones.
my experience is a rare experience? I honestly believe my fearlessness and drive to succeed and lead has altered my experience and growth on hormones. Speaking in public in front of audiences of 100 people, taking the lead on a project at xerox, and confronting your demons while on hormones will over load most every one but a marine. the truth is without the marines there would have not been a rachel. I have accomplished so much in 2 short years but had the experience of 50 yrs to help me navigate this journey while working in the low stress environment of a call center lol.
email is below to friend
I am working at xerox as care representative where I earn enough plus a little more than expenses. so surgery is something that gives me hope and I really need that for without the hope I am done. I have a acquaintance that tells me if I can come up with 5k that she likely can push through a loan for 5k. but 10k is the minimum and this does not take into consideration the time to recover after surgery. I have done some research and recovery time is 2-6 mos.
men? i call that the 50/50 rule. I have found that half of men will hold the door for me and the other half is filled with sexual harassment and outright neglect to far end of the spectrum which is threatening physical harm. I personally had a great experience xerox with a man that was in a leadership position that changed my prospective in men. he promoted and supported me whole heartedly after the promotion. he is trying to bring me to back for a short assignment because I am very good at projects where crisis management and delivering results are needed and that is me. This strong woman hid her talents for far too long .
I have gone through periods of depression which have included thoughts of suicide but because of the people around me and hope each give me the thoughts were no more than a passing thought. the women around me don't allow enabling infact the men and women around me hold me accountable in a very sensitive way. I have found this is true in the va, xerox and other organizations within portland. I believe all this is possible because I want it all or nothing. the risk is I may not survive the journey but the women around me will not allow me to go into a dark space and not come out.
also the self destructive behaviors of the past are slowing being removed and this process is not easy. it has challenged in the moment to help me heal. in fact I just came from a new friends house and she used the word he to refer to me when we first met. what i realized is that once i am triggered I go into a space and build up barriers that will allow no one to get through effectively isolating from the world. I explained this to her and what was going on and told exactly how I felt. it was scary and in the moment I nearly crashed again. the time it takes me to process and heal is almost in the moment which is the key, in my opinion, to healing the heart and soul.
the event today with my new friends pushed me into a thoughts of suicide but I realized that when coming out of depression one is most prone to attempted suicide or suicide . I learned this in dr. cornwell's psychology class at penn state many years ago. my ability to access information so far back is a true asset and has helped me not only survive but thrive. I have found that the more I am challenged the more effective the estrogen becomes which pushes me to the edge at times.. I know this because I get a head rush and nearly pass out but I have learned to stay calm and let it pass knowing I am growing and healing faster and faster.
my ability to think in the middle of a crisis , think rationally , access or research information, process and change my behavior in the moment is critical in my healing. this is the core concept of dialectical behavior theory. applying what I have learned over the years will not assure my success and healing but will increase my ability to heal. I have been successful to this point because I allow myself to be extremely vulnerable and trust the women around me .
I have learned that my surgery is only part of the process and if I can keep it in prospective, which is really difficult, I will make it to the other side of fence and arrive a sexy, healthy and happy woman. like joan of arc I am wiling to risk my life because I would rather die than live how i have for the first 50 years.
and to quote zig ziglar if you think you can or can't you are probably right. he also says that someone without goals is like a ship without a rudder. my sales career has drastically altered my experience on hormones. my long term goal is to set up a international trading company and broker commodities such as oil , corn etc. I want my life and will settle for no less than a leadership role in society.
I have been blessed to have so many good women around me and I am still a bit perplexed how one man slipped through my all women network. the truth is I don't have transgendered , lesbian, gay or white, black friends but I have only friends. this man helped me through the crisis of my life at xerox and stood by me and helped me heal like so many others. he is a man of character and just does not talk the talk but walks the walk. his prospective is my gender disorder is a birth defect. a man that gets this is rare I think.
thank you
rachel
