here is how estrogen has affected me and made me confront so many demons...... remember my past ? then some
email edited to my very close friends in my darkest hours ...
My demons from the days of Iran are far deeper than I thought and how we
left thousands of POW in Vietnam.
I could not do anything about Vietnam
since I was so young but Iran
is another story. The marine , me included, call President Reagan and Carter what
they were …… ( sorry cannot write that to you but it is a marine thing and
basically said they were cowards ) but for the blog i can say " a bunch pussy ass mother fuckers )
so while outside Iran Our ship , for 10
days, during the hostage crisis, and one day our ship was going very, very fast which was unusual. The fact
I learned from my friend is we had to triangulate where the hell we were
because we practically landed on Iranian soil and no one knew about it. The
navigator got our ship lost. I sure there was hell to pay for that but the fact
is we could have gone in Iran and no one would have known for quite some time.
Another issue revealed by a fellow marine was the reason
the helicopter went down on a prior rescue mission was not what was in the news according to my friend in
avionics who worked on helicopters. He told me that friend of his told him what
happened with the downed helo in Iran
was sand went into the intake and the helo went down. ( our attitude and phrase for this situation
was lets make this country into a parking lot)
I can see our ship pulling
away from Iran
and knowing what I know and reading what I did because of my job …. We did
nothing yet we trained for one year for hostage rescue. We probably were the
best trained in the marines at the time because our executive officer thought
he was chester puller and trained us until we dropped over from exhaustion. the major
pushed so hard that one guy actually died in Hawaii during a run from heat
exhaustion.
Then at college I had a Iran
national tell me “ we are not against you but against your govt.” my friend.... said I looked at this guy like I was going to kill him. But I could not
touch or say anything that would provoke this ass who was in our country. In
fact he and others at Penn state , ..... when I was attending the
university, said we are here to get educated and take your technology back to
our country. So I have a definite view
of what we should have done in Iran
in 1979 and of that govt today who has a public display and celebration of the American hostages. ( i feel the same pain i felt on this issue yrs ago just like what is between my legs.... the feeling are so read and deep b/c of how estrogen works with my brain)
We could have done something so many times
and we played it safe and Carter did nothing then Reagan sold arms for hostage
then looked the other way when 288 marines were killed in Lebanon. Yet
through all of this congress says I did not serve during a combat time so I am
not eligible for something called a non service connected disability. Every
other veteran is eligible for this compensation when needed. You know me I would not file for disability but we
deserve it and all the men that would killed on special ops during those years,
288 marines ….. this is total disrespect for our service during a time when
enough paid with their lives. Politics…. Why I cannot stand people without the
code of character, courage and commitment.( more a marine than i ever thought)
I really want to go back and
fix and fight like I was trained just like my friend in PA who was a sniper
team leader for force recon ( most elite of the elite of the marines in the
day). My friend .... wants to do one
last mission but why? Maybe because in both cases there was and is unfinished
business in our minds. For me it does
even deeper.
I am searching for why ? then
I saw a picture of women marines and the fact is I sugarcoated so much how i envied women but I did not hate the women marines. But why could I not dress in a woman
marine’s uniform. I thought it was too risky but knowing me I would risk death
to live my life back then even like now. I would rather have died in a woman’s
uniform then pretend and pretend. ( I
know marines would have raped and killed me but I am telling you that if I was on
hormones and the option was there I risk it all )
Everything gets back to my
past for me. then earlier today I was crying so bad I was shaking in my bed. I
cannot masturbate ever again. Nothing matters to me unless I have
surgery. I am locked in mindset I will
do the unspeakable, suicide , if I do not have surgery by my 60th birthday. I
have thought of this before … would I …. On day like today… not hell yes but
fuck yes …. I can see the pain of my past with such clarity that it is torture.(
balancing the hormones is so dangerous that .. there are no words)( on another note not so long ago i wrote a check for 10000.00 for surgery which i did not have but drew a line in the sand with a date..... in my mind very much like a suicide note because this would be a hard ceiling not too far out. that was so dangerous but later i realized what i did and so i tore up the check)
So I kept digging and digging
then I nearly collapsed then I put it together. What? Why when I was on helo
being lowered in high seas in the Indian ocean
during a storm and why I was not even nervous or when my daughter was drowning and I just reached
down when my ex panicked and pulled her to safety. Purely a reflex reaction
with no emotions evolved but to focus and complete the mission. Total marine
training from where I sit.
Then after this thought I saw
a pattern of reckless behavior over the decades including drinking and driving
and the thrill of being caught and once nearly fall out of the car door when I
was drunk. Still I kept drinking and today I thought why ? and what stopped it
all?
Until my daughter was born I
had nothing to lose!! No one wanted me , I hid my gender and buried myself in
working out or sales. Succeed in both areas above most people. I can push
through physical and emotional pain most people cannot imagine. I have nothing
to lose because everything was stolen from me in my childhood. ( I even walked
down dangerous streets overseas …. Form of suicide? to see if I could come out
alive) someone or god protected me and kept me alive but why?
I will .. I cannot go back ….
To my childhood, marines, college, sales or my daughter … the time is lost
forever and so am I !!! the first 50 yrs … I was a slave ….. I am sure others
feel the same but really that is how it is .. and to this day we are slaves to
people that refuse to allow us to live our lives.
I have no idea why god does
not take me ? I have asked him quite a bit lately please take me because …. It
would be far easier for me to fight in combat then embrace the emotional
pain of the last 50 yrs … there is no fix for this …. No one can help me as I
cryyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
My mood swings , if you wanna
classify as they, are so deep and low that there are no signals anymore … they
just happen!! I want to hate and make people pay but who ? what would be the
purpose? The time is lost forever and the people that could have done something
… did nothing just like Vietnam,
Iran
and Lebanon etc.
I am back to the place where
I started months ago….. why go on …. So I get a vagina and find a way to
embrace this hell for what? To live in isolation with so many lesbians? ( fyi a
news woman said what I have said and was blown away she admitted to …. The gay
rights were started by well educated and wealthier gay men … this is true )
But still few if any will
invite us to their BBQ with their families and this is the fundamental problem.
We not equal but a protected class of people and not human beings but tools of
politics. There is no upside in our life
at times …( at times we are still outsiders )
I truly thought in Portland that this city
was diff but I was so wrong again.
....got to protect the guilty and their privacy ...... advocating in a crisis has become a regular issue ...
I had to shut down
emotionally while in this meeting and push my deep pain between my legs to the
…. Could not do it completely today which is a first….. but I pushed and pushed
until......people who are paid to help have their own issues which make them unable to help you/me.
I am not the same person I
was in 2011 and the stress I can take is for only short intervals. I am sure I cannot survive around men in any program or the street. So right now I am fighting for my survival
and no one really cares so i have to advocate on my own. .... others do but the people getting paid lack
the ability to do so. As the military
would say I would be collateral damage and just a number … in political science
terms…. Acceptable losses but there is no more time for half measures at this
time in my life. either I go the distance so or I die emotionally or physically
….. I tell people this who are suppose to help me and …... ............ I am the plan and unless I find a deeper
strength then the day before I am dead.
Literally back to being death
roll with an alligator.
I am in a space that I never
thought existed while in my bedroom today.
At times when I am in my dream world my brain thinks there is a vagina
between my legs. And my dreams have
nothing to do with sex but about friends and most of all a woman where we have
a daughter that loves us both and her me.
All my worries about stepping
over the line with a bisexual woman are not valid. I want it all or none … a woman that loves me
and me alone as her friend and lover but more importantly her wife. to me it is
all about a relationship with god and a wife I have yet to find. This pain is
shared in the lesbian community day after day and night after night.
I have found a group where we
all say good morning and good night to each other. There are sexual pictures posted but the
responses are centered around the emotional needs that will we do not have and
once there is a partner your girlfriends on the net are still your only family
in so many cases. ( the age range is 20- have seen 70 yr old) from Australia, Canada
, Uk
and the states it is all the same …. Isolation and wanting to as I cry be loved
by others and find a partner to love us … something our families for the most
part never did. ( one post put up was about coming out ….. it ranged from a
response of mostly accepted to no one talks to us and the age of coming out was
from 12 and up . )
The studies and info on lack
of socialization, family and work is the same everywhere in this world. In fact
in Malta
I just read that kids born intersex … doctors are prohibited from doing sexual
assignment surgery at birth. It seems one step forward and ½ step back.
My story is unique because I share
with people outside my supposed subcultures of trans and lesbians. But the
commonality is the same in so many ways and age is irrelevant and part of world
is too.
But the more I am pushed
and the more I overcome the stronger the people that god sees hurt me make me even
stronger…… just like when I was kid… the harder you hit the more I want to put
you in your place….true in marines too
I want to live a life outside
pdx with my wife where there is no drama and I am just a member of the
community . possible?
I can tell you that living in portland if I was into men I would have so many boyfriends like so many others do. I
have to turn my back almost every time I go to town , like today, … the
harassment and unwanted looks and advances are like so many other women ………………
Also my muscles that did not
hurt in my back are back again. Loss of
muscle mass then regaining it for a short while was nice but the price of it
was not worth it to me. but the thick curly hair I had will never be again….. I
can min this all I want … I was validated by women from Hs, college, marines
and total strangers …. That loss was huge to me ……
My mother, aunt would make
fun of my long nails, hair …. ie. What does
your boss think of your long hair? Mom he does not care as long as I make sales
nor does he care about my pink tie or shirt. I picked sales because I could be
me more than behind a desk I think it was very purposeful.
Where is all of this going … I
am trying to hold on and each day it is a bit harder…… I wish the drugs would
make this thing fall off .. in my dreams….. I have no use for it nor did I( it is my penis)
In fact in 2009 when I brushed
my hair back like a woman does… I think today when I started enbrel and neurotoin
it started the process because my ex wife had left …. Nurture and nature were
taking the course of my teens… had erection issue then but to me non issue…… so
maybe none of this since 1999 was an accident and if so the process has taken
course over 15 plus yrs.
Thank u for allowing me to
share and holding me up …… helping me though this… as I have said before
without the .... of you as I cry… there would be no Rachel…………. my grandma
started it but without you today ….. I would be dead ……
Thank u and god bless
rachel
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