my true demon is a loving woman in my life and more

yesterday but just under the surface for months or years as i cried this morning is a dream to be with a woman as a woman. ever since my ex wife accepted me then pushed me back.

my demon is as i think in the moment that i am thinking what if a potential gf hurts me emotionally. i am much more vulnerable than i have ever been in my life. i am crying because i really want a loving woman but i am scared death she will rip my heart out like .......and etc.

i started to go into scenarios of how i could protect myself against a threat in a relationship that never happened. i have thought like this for decades using self destructive scenarios and methods to ensure a woman never is allowed to close so i am not hurt. i did this b/c i had to keep secret who i am but so much as changed .... my world is changing as we speak b/c i am someone that i never dreamed that existed.

but me being a diff person and by the day this poses a problem since i am the girl that i was at 18 yrs old or so. i am so vulnerable emotionally and physically. i thought yesterday if i was physically this weak when i was teen... i really was not strong except for being forced to pick rocks in your yard for hours and hours each day in the summer. my family tried to make me into a man and destroyed my life.

 i am crying because .....it is too late for me...... i cannot make up the time and the experiences... it is better to keep everyone just far enough away to protect myself... but i let you, ..............and a few others in too deep to be and do what i did years ago.

i want a loving woman and i think it about it more than anything..  all i think of is a woman, our daughter that i never had and how to have the life i really wanted as a child. i want a loving family so bad and i would do anything to have surgery and a loving family.

i am cryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy i want the pain to end and heroin,( never had a drug issue but how far would i go to end the pain.. make no doubt that anything can happen on hormones)  suicide will not accomplish my goal.  i know all of this and i think at some level i am not... i really am not doing things because i will have to face my deepest fears of a loving woman and surgery. ( no history of drug use at all but this pushed thought process and the amount of time on estrogen and my safe environment has made so much possible)

but i am to the threshold that if i do not go forward the above may become an option and that option could be suicide or heavy drug use. i found out this weekend that if i do not let go of the past the depression will push my arthritis to the level it was 10 yrs ago. this is what happened this past weekend.

the scary thing is when i let go i am so much more feminine and it like something you never saw in your life.  so i am very feminine and letting go of the past is a must unless i want to die in a wheel chair via the depression which makes my RA worse.

hormones is not for people that what to experiment.. genetic or otherwise hormones affect the body the exact same. plenty of women, genetic have stopped hormones b/c they could not tolerate the treatment.

i am alive and moving forward but wow what a test this weekend

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