depression and weight connection and more on suicide

wow one of those moments happened again today!! i ate just as much food as i did the day before but today i was a couple lbs lighter.  there is apparently a connection b/w depression and weight loss or gain plus with hormones it is very complicated.

i have found that as my depression and the loops of thinking of the past subsides i not only lose wet but it pushes my hormones into over drive. there is a connections b/w mental illness and hormones effectiveness based on the lab rat here lol. but seriously as i think less of the past which is hard to do my hormones go through the roof. this might apply to a nurse that told me that when her stress is up her period is off a few days.

i am crying now because i have a great mind set with little depression which drives up my sex drive and i walk more like a model and i feel so good then... i need surgery even more.....

i am not suicidal at all b/c i have hope which i lost when xerox cancelled the contract about one hr ago. i was so high because ... now with the govt agency and funding for HR on the table i have hope again. 

but on the note of thoughts of suicide ..personal note about a therapist

....promise to never attempt suicide..... i will fight through it no matter what...

 i would never want to compromise my friends nor cut a piece of their heart with an act of suicide or attempted suicide. that is a promise just like i gave my grandmother.  but this surgery is like a act of suicide at some level b/c no one knows if i will live nor mentally survive.....

.... i thought for moment i could do something i never did before and just work another job and now tell anyone. i was told i would have to pay back the monies that .... provided me. i am close to crossing the line b/c as my mental health improves i am so desperate for surgery.

on face book are contacts to cross the line sexually , mentally and then there is working outside the box of working the gray area into the red area. i have changed so much and i have not crossed the line but i cannot hold the line on this much longer. to know that i have to wait at least one more yr if i do not go back to work full time .................in the moment ..... i cannot do it... i will personally have to find a way and a job fast that allows me to be on the fast track before jan 2015.  otherwise maybe crossing the line is on the table.....

it takes everything in me and god to stop me when my hormones are raging like now.... i feel this thing i want to cut off and i have not told you each morning i think of taking a knife to my face. but it is like srs surgery is the only solution. but then i am told by others that my face is attractive and i cannot see that where my face structure and complexion has changed.

add this to having to find a way to get my hair to stand up like it use to. i had to do trial and error and finally i found out that if i use catwalk mousse after my shower while i put my make up on .. then i add more catwalk mousse i can tease up my hair with Fekkai hair spray..

so much has changed and today i see through my prism so diff.  every morning i have to clean out a film on my eyes that develops with eye fluid and q tips.  some times the film is so gross that it is around the corners of my eyes and it seems to come from the anxiety. i have had this since i was  teen but with my 10x mirror i can see the film.

i really want to be me.... if only the doctor and therapist could see what all i push through after i go through suicide idealization they would say like L...," i don't know how you do it." the answer is my grandmother told me never let them change you and god loves you for you.

i want to be me ..... i would do anything to be a woman with a woman..... i wish they could walk in my shoes for one day......

i am in so much pain.... i am in a safe place and i know who i am ...