new updated funding raising site; please look; give you can

hi

i am trying to raise the monies necessary to have my surgery completed in Thailand and the Doctor has agreed to video tape the surgery. i am trying to created , with a lot of my friends, a real experience from beginning to end of what is involved in srs.

the misconceptions of what surgery... let's face ... no one has been transparent about the process. to say the surgery was not painful when you are packed with ice for three days and the risk is from organ failure, vagina wall collapse to death. this agreeably the most radically surgery done to a human being. the fact now is it is a medically necessary procedure that is needed asap.

the fact is , i am like so many others that do not talk, I cry every morning when i wake up, when i shower, on the way to work etc. i cry and cry b/c the mismatch between my brain and crotch is well beyond manageable.

i am in the fight of my life and I am trying to share my story to help others and I will upload the surgery after surgery.

help if you can and if you cannot please share my story with other. below is a link to my fund raising site.

thank you

rachel

http://www.gofundme.com/SRS-forRachel

this post and caption is so me .. thank you grandma for giving me a chance in this world

my grandmother keep all my secrets and although my mother and aunt tried to have me put in an institution just for being me. i was brave enough to tell my family i was a woman in 1967 and my grandmother protected me from being institutionalized then in defiance with me help me with my make up and help me put on my first dress.

i also refused to go to the prom b/c i could not wear a dress. this caption is so me

my true demon is a loving woman in my life and more

yesterday but just under the surface for months or years as i cried this morning is a dream to be with a woman as a woman. ever since my ex wife accepted me then pushed me back.

my demon is as i think in the moment that i am thinking what if a potential gf hurts me emotionally. i am much more vulnerable than i have ever been in my life. i am crying because i really want a loving woman but i am scared death she will rip my heart out like .......and etc.

i started to go into scenarios of how i could protect myself against a threat in a relationship that never happened. i have thought like this for decades using self destructive scenarios and methods to ensure a woman never is allowed to close so i am not hurt. i did this b/c i had to keep secret who i am but so much as changed .... my world is changing as we speak b/c i am someone that i never dreamed that existed.

but me being a diff person and by the day this poses a problem since i am the girl that i was at 18 yrs old or so. i am so vulnerable emotionally and physically. i thought yesterday if i was physically this weak when i was teen... i really was not strong except for being forced to pick rocks in your yard for hours and hours each day in the summer. my family tried to make me into a man and destroyed my life.

 i am crying because .....it is too late for me...... i cannot make up the time and the experiences... it is better to keep everyone just far enough away to protect myself... but i let you, ..............and a few others in too deep to be and do what i did years ago.

i want a loving woman and i think it about it more than anything..  all i think of is a woman, our daughter that i never had and how to have the life i really wanted as a child. i want a loving family so bad and i would do anything to have surgery and a loving family.

i am cryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy i want the pain to end and heroin,( never had a drug issue but how far would i go to end the pain.. make no doubt that anything can happen on hormones)  suicide will not accomplish my goal.  i know all of this and i think at some level i am not... i really am not doing things because i will have to face my deepest fears of a loving woman and surgery. ( no history of drug use at all but this pushed thought process and the amount of time on estrogen and my safe environment has made so much possible)

but i am to the threshold that if i do not go forward the above may become an option and that option could be suicide or heavy drug use. i found out this weekend that if i do not let go of the past the depression will push my arthritis to the level it was 10 yrs ago. this is what happened this past weekend.

the scary thing is when i let go i am so much more feminine and it like something you never saw in your life.  so i am very feminine and letting go of the past is a must unless i want to die in a wheel chair via the depression which makes my RA worse.

hormones is not for people that what to experiment.. genetic or otherwise hormones affect the body the exact same. plenty of women, genetic have stopped hormones b/c they could not tolerate the treatment.

i am alive and moving forward but wow what a test this weekend

\

astrocytes, stroke and estrogen..... estradiol is one powerful drug

the impact of estrogen on the human body is so dramatic and widespread. i understand that in the early stages, if caught early enough who suffer strokes, patients are given estrogen.  estradiol truly has rewired and repaired my brain in ways maybe mankind is not suppose to but with me i see it as the only alternative in science today

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3825572/

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/10/141010083859.htm?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+sciencedaily%2Fmind_brain%2Fpsychology+%28Psychology+News+--+ScienceDaily%29

One of the major tasks now is to explore whether astrocytes are also converted to neurons in the human brain following damage or disease. Interestingly, it is known that in the healthy human brain, new nerve cells are formed in the striatum. The new data raise the possibility that some of these nerve cells derive from local astrocytes. If the new mechanism also operates in the human brain and can be potentiated, this could become of clinical importance not only for stroke patients, but also for replacing neurons which have died, thus restoring function in patients with other disorders such as Parkinson's disease and Huntington's disease," says Olle Lindvall, Senior Professor of Neurology.

depression and weight connection and more on suicide

wow one of those moments happened again today!! i ate just as much food as i did the day before but today i was a couple lbs lighter.  there is apparently a connection b/w depression and weight loss or gain plus with hormones it is very complicated.

i have found that as my depression and the loops of thinking of the past subsides i not only lose wet but it pushes my hormones into over drive. there is a connections b/w mental illness and hormones effectiveness based on the lab rat here lol. but seriously as i think less of the past which is hard to do my hormones go through the roof. this might apply to a nurse that told me that when her stress is up her period is off a few days.

i am crying now because i have a great mind set with little depression which drives up my sex drive and i walk more like a model and i feel so good then... i need surgery even more.....

i am not suicidal at all b/c i have hope which i lost when xerox cancelled the contract about one hr ago. i was so high because ... now with the govt agency and funding for HR on the table i have hope again. 

but on the note of thoughts of suicide ..personal note about a therapist

....promise to never attempt suicide..... i will fight through it no matter what...

 i would never want to compromise my friends nor cut a piece of their heart with an act of suicide or attempted suicide. that is a promise just like i gave my grandmother.  but this surgery is like a act of suicide at some level b/c no one knows if i will live nor mentally survive.....

.... i thought for moment i could do something i never did before and just work another job and now tell anyone. i was told i would have to pay back the monies that .... provided me. i am close to crossing the line b/c as my mental health improves i am so desperate for surgery.

on face book are contacts to cross the line sexually , mentally and then there is working outside the box of working the gray area into the red area. i have changed so much and i have not crossed the line but i cannot hold the line on this much longer. to know that i have to wait at least one more yr if i do not go back to work full time .................in the moment ..... i cannot do it... i will personally have to find a way and a job fast that allows me to be on the fast track before jan 2015.  otherwise maybe crossing the line is on the table.....

it takes everything in me and god to stop me when my hormones are raging like now.... i feel this thing i want to cut off and i have not told you each morning i think of taking a knife to my face. but it is like srs surgery is the only solution. but then i am told by others that my face is attractive and i cannot see that where my face structure and complexion has changed.

add this to having to find a way to get my hair to stand up like it use to. i had to do trial and error and finally i found out that if i use catwalk mousse after my shower while i put my make up on .. then i add more catwalk mousse i can tease up my hair with Fekkai hair spray..

so much has changed and today i see through my prism so diff.  every morning i have to clean out a film on my eyes that develops with eye fluid and q tips.  some times the film is so gross that it is around the corners of my eyes and it seems to come from the anxiety. i have had this since i was  teen but with my 10x mirror i can see the film.

i really want to be me.... if only the doctor and therapist could see what all i push through after i go through suicide idealization they would say like L...," i don't know how you do it." the answer is my grandmother told me never let them change you and god loves you for you.

i want to be me ..... i would do anything to be a woman with a woman..... i wish they could walk in my shoes for one day......

i am in so much pain.... i am in a safe place and i know who i am ...

Transgendered woman murdered in East Hollywood California, USA and how it impacted me

hi

i was in the Portland Library yesterday when a guy passing me said," are you are guy or a woman" as i walked up the stairs i was so pushed about my gender lately that i said, " mind your own business." in all likelihood that comment on the street could have escalated to what happened to the woman in Hollywood.

i have observed and been a witnessed how others have reacted to me, men only, where they are drooling at the sight of my figure and looks but once they get really close that look on their face quickly turns from oh she is hot to one of anger and resentment i exist. make no doubt that what happened in Hollywood could have escalated based upon her being transgender. the media and the police might discount what happened as a robbery gone bad but trust me based on what i has been done to me and others this could have easily been a transgender murder.

so one day i could be that woman in Hollywood!!! i have decided to begin to arm myself with a weapon by the end of the year and based upon my research one of the best concealed weapons i will purchase a Colt 380. the big question is will I freeze in a situation like what happened in Hollywood or will I do want I was trained to do in the Marines. either way i would rather go down with a fighting chance.( maybe I leave this in gods hands and do what i do best and love. but god was watching when the men killed a woman on the way home.)

i might decide to back off this position but based upon the fact that i have been hit, knife pulled on me and the harassment in the past. all of this has been occasional but it only takes one bullet to kill me or anyone else. i want the chance to defend my right to be me. i am crying because I cannot believe i will have to arm myself with a weapon to protect my right to be me.

those of us that are very vocal and outspoken pay the ultimate price our lives like this woman!!!   

http://abc7.com/news/murder-of-transgender-woman-caught-on-camera/336551/