the depth of my pain that seems to never end

this is an email to a friend:

hi

i am crying because to be direct i have not been intimate with a woman in over 3 yrs. i my hormones are raging higher than when i was a teen.  i am about to mentally crack if I can not find a woman to be intimate with really soon. i have been holding the line for a long time. I just do not know how much longer i can go with out and intimacy of a woman. I know jenna said the right " girlfriend." at this point i settle for a one night stand. ( so many others experience this high sex drive; the documentation of it can lower you sex drive is pure bs.)  the question a doctor should ask the patient, as I told my therapist last week, should be how is your sex drive and do you have the desire to have sex with someone if your surgery was completed? i think you would be surprised at the number of women like me that would admit to a high sex drive and wanting to wait for surgery. this is tearing me in pieces and it has for a long time.

i went onto craigslist and posted an ad then removed it 5 minutes later. I also was in my cyber world but I cannot cross the line anymore with men just for sex. the fact is i cannot be around men at all most of the time. the very thought of what i have done with men in the past haunts me in my memories brought back by the estrogen.  the memories make me sick to my stomach of what i did in the past. this is my dirty secret and i cannot unto all i did in the past as i cry and cry. i did all of these things to get the attention as a woman. i am tired of the pain please god come get me . the pain is too much for me to endure.

if i cannot find gf by my birthday i am sure i will pay a woman to be with me. i cannot take it much longer. i know if i do this i cannot undo it and i may pay a price that i cannot even imagine. the price will be to tell my girlfriend i was with a prostitute because i wanted to be with a woman.

my hormones have raged like this for about one yr but they are growing in strength as i bring my anxiety under control. i am holding on by a thread in the area of sex.  i am not sure i can wait until surgery for sex but i really don't want sex. i want intimacy that has eluded me for decades. for a woman to tell me she loves me as rachel has been a dream all of my life. i am tired of waiting please god sent me a good woman to help me with the cross i am carrying.

i am crying because i know what the consequences of a prostitute are with a woman but i am not sure i can stop it.

thank you