Lost Balance, visit to VA ER, surgery and much more

On Sunday I lost my balance and fell backwards. the truth is that I think I lost my balance to ? muscle mass loss? I don't know but i know i struggled to prevent the fall. I hit the wall hard enough that i dislodged my standing mirror from the casing and my back and perhaps my head hit the wall. thus given that i am on estrogen and I had a bruise combined with the light headedness I was very scared a stroke might be in the making. so i headed to the VA ER on monday night.

I had a fantastic visit .  even the window staff looked up the trimet schedule because the bus and train stop around the time I was discharged. the window staff looked up the info so I was able to get the last bus home around midnight. 

my best guess of what happened yesterday based on the fact that my Ct scan and Xray and all my blood work was normal is that it was a combination of my hormones raging more, my allergies combined with the heat. the heat apparently really is a challenge due to my changing body and my accumulation of portland. a few yrs ago the heat was so mild compared to back east but now the heat is a more than i can handle combined with my allergies and hormones.

i also learned last night on the bus home that i had the same fear i had in the marines late at night. but on hormones i realize how dangerous it can be for a woman and it is not safe at night whereas in the past i was emotionally shut down.  last night i did not realize it until the moment happened that even at bus stops late at night i would strike up a conversation with a woman or she would start one with me. last night the only woman at the bus stop start a conversation with me.

the whole thing is the memories and hormones never shut off, never. then after i arrived home my nerves were so bad that i skipped my estrogen because i could not handle the lack of sleep and the extremely long day. i thought in the moment i cannot work a stressful environment. i am a different person and what i could tolerate yr one of hormones is not me now.  i have moved from a  fight or flight environment to a more functional one and i have a hard time wrapping my head around how fast i have changed.

i was so distraught last night in my apt i had a maladaptive dream of a gf/ wife and all of you asking me if I wanted to stop hormones and forgo surgery. in the moment i said i rather as i cry have a relationship with a woman than surgery. my journey is not about a vagina and i am so damn scared of surgery. if a woman ask me not to have surgery because she was scared i would die. i am think i wold forgo surgery because there is no data to support that it will help me . there is nothing. my maladaptive dreams helped me through stress and help me work through problems.

then this morning I awoke to my hormones raging at a new level despite not taking one estrogen pill the night before. i cannot stop what i started and the hormones never give me a rest. this is s a fact. they are raging nearly every minute of every day now. it is like i am on a mission for surgery and i am trying to overt a disaster after surgery. i know i need a big goal that will allow me to move past surgery. today i was back to my normal self struggling with memories and the hormones raging.

i had a flashback as i drank my water this morning of how my parents abused me and i apparently had a panic attack and i was forced to drink water to calm me down. i used this opportunity to create a new feeling in the moment for today. this is the real challenge on hormones and my ability to think a crisis is so so important but i do struggle a lot but i never have quite.

the flashback are good too. when i cooked my carrot cake the right amount of time had past for the cake to be done. but i had a memory of my mom saying," donnie the cake will be done when it is done."  so i left the cake in for another 5 minutes and boom the perfect carrot cake with icing was complete after a night in the frig. but when i iced the cake i had a flashback of what my mom said about icing cakes.

i had changed who I am as human being and my true values come forth in my process.  i now see if a woman stares at me as offensive because my prospective, as of today, is you see me in a sexual way but not as human being? why now say hi to me rather than as a sex object and yes this has happen many times in portland. i was flattered in the past but i thought about this over and over and i realized today it is not different an a man starring at me sexually. this is a profound shift in my values that hid in me for decades. i have changed as human being who happens to be a woman.

this shift happened because i was attracted to my  therapist but i realized that i wanted to dress like her  and her and look like her. then last week  i saw a woman in public that had a short dress then a woman that was muscular and athletic. my thought process was i want to look like the girl in the short dress and i am attracted to the athletic woman. but in the moment in therapy i told my therapist  I don't know you but as my therapist. i went on to tell her  that i do not know you as a person and then i figured out so much and I learned that it takes time to know if you like someone and they are compatible with you.  furthermore i realized that i cannot judge people on a single look or action but this is something my mother taught me that i have to unlearn and i have started to make progress of this in so many ways. basically i am in therapy 24/7 and i need to learn to do what i did the other day and that is relax and think of nothing. 

i have decided to wait for the right job despite my talent to work in a call center and raise the monies for surgery in the next six months. i want to arrive alive but in thailand and i have no idea of the dangers i will face and last night opened my eyes that i have to find someone to go with me. i  barely made it though last night. i slipped back into my maladaptive dreams and for surgery i need to live in the moment to come through it a healed woman and human being.

thank you to both of you for opening your heart to help me in my journey. the never ending emails  is and was a gateway for me to take on the challenges of xerox, therapist  with no secrets, the blog. the biggest reason i have healed so fast is the love of god and your love and caring .

thank you and god bless,

rachel

ps i think i need to move from Facebook before surgery or sooner because that is my to direct my very sexual self up front and personal. i seek to find a woman of god to live the rest of my life with and not ... thinking in the moment ..... one prospective woman...... maybe she is on facebook because i see so many other lesbians that are dying just to cuddle with another woman. we are so lonely and all over the country. 

......  all we have in common is we supposedly belong to the GLBT community and this means what?i  my mother would say "' donald you come on too strong." i am just me and i have very strong views of morality and life. i state what i have experienced in life and it ruffles people in the gay community but I have never any problem with a  woman. i think the conversation with the men and women are so different.  i especially get a laugh from a woman when i talk about my experience on hormones. a few women have said,," welcome to the club."  i think one is ..... i did not like it when ..... said that women have weaker upper body strength then men lol. it is true but i cannot wrap my head around how i cannot lift and do what i had done for decades due to my environment. 

i am glad i am surrounded by women that care about me and this complicates my decision concerning surgery because people now care about me whereas this was not true before.  now if i end up dead after surgery or i have massive complications my emotions and others are affected now. so the decision of surgery of when and where is complicated because of the love of so many. i think of the office manager and the hours in his office when he gave the most important thing to me and that is his time. so many have given so much to me in the last few yrs i need to do surgery right so i can move past it and heal myself and others.

i think i am done lol