rachel sexuality and being a lesbian

Hi

This is a very new blog for me because I will explore my sexuality in a very intimate way for others to see into my world. The total numbers of Lesbians in the trans community is unknown but a interesting subset of trans lesbians also exist within the community. I am sexually attracted to genetic women but some trans women are attracted to other trans women. I just wanted to mention that in this article.  back to me and my sexuality now.

I was a taken a bit back the other day when a woman I was talking to a the VA, not a VA employee, asked me when did I know? I thought and I had judged she was going to ask when I felt like a woman but she asked “ when did you know you were a lesbian?” I told her when I was this big so otherwise around 10-12 yrs old? I never have been attracted to men. I did spend time with men sexually but I never allowed anal penetration. So to be direct I performed oral on men and plenty of times to get the attention as a woman.  But that only worked for a while and I felt dirty afterwards however dressed very feminine in adult venues when I met the occasional woman I felt no shame lol.

Once I met a girl in a adult venue in  PA and we decided to go to the park where the men did their thing and we decided to stay in the car and do our thing. ( note: suddenly while we were just playing the car nearly every man headed our way and I said to the girl this is not good. We went back to the adult store to finished playing. Once I was called a fish at an adult store and I did not know what that meant. The guy says you know women? I said no. he said you know women smell. I said omfg.

 There is apparently hatred of women in parts of the  gay community and I think it probably goes the other way with Lesbian distaste for men.) while in the car with the  woman it was very apparent from the very beginning she knew how to touch and exactly what to do and I was boiling hot in 2.5 seconds. On the other hand men I tried and tried to teach what I liked and it was like, excuse me , getting a dog to walk backwards.  But the woman had me so hot I had no choice but to go down on her and I loved it when a woman moans and more she moans the hotter I get. This is me.

So fast forward to the age of hormones and about 6-8 mos ago I was half awake and half a sleep when I realized I had my index and middle finger heading towards my crotch. Mentally in a semi sleep state I thought I was going to rub my vagina I don’t have yet. Wow that was a shock to my mind and that was the only time it happened but it was so real I started to cry knowing that my brain thinks I have a vagina. The hiding ended for me when I started hormones.

As the last few months went forward my fantasies about women and the sexual acts intensified to a state that makes me cry sometimes and yet others I mediate with food but that is not good either. The craving to be with a woman as a woman is increasing by the day as my brain realizes there is such a mismatch with this birth defect between my legs.  Sometimes all I think is about sex and that always means my hormones are raging. ( at month 30 the anxiety during the day went to zero but at night it has been a nightmare where I have near panic attacks due to anxiety. Is this because I have no vagina?  ) 

Also one day about 3-4 months ago I envisioned how I would pleasure a woman orally and I thought to myself every experience is so different on hormones. I am not the person that existed yrs or anything like I envisioned before hormones.  so about 3 months ago I envisioned knowing what a woman likes by how I might like a woman to give me oral while I had a visional picture of a vagina in my head. It was so odd and strange. I think I am trying to understand how my brain has changed and please do not believe the hype that your sex drive goes down on hormones. so many others speak of high sex drive that it sounds like most of us have increased sex drive on hormones. 

So when I envisioned giving a woman oral I remembered how I learned so much from an ex girlfriend and I enjoyed pleasuring her orally and with my fingers. I even had her help me and teach me exactly how she liked it to the point I her guide my fingers in her vagina so I knew exactly what excited her. Rachel was doing so serious research long before hormones. there was a specific reason I wanted to know how to pleasure her and wow that was a revelation to say the least.

With the same girlfriend I started to experiment with my feminine sexuality.  I did not know it in the moment yrs ago but I was trying to turn her into my lesbian lover.  We even tried the scissor position with a toy like so many lesbian do and I nearly had an organism. ( the position for non lesbian … please google it damn)   I knew who I was back years ago and if I could have found a woman to love me as a woman I would have be me yrs ago.  That experience was not too far in my memory and one I look forward to doing with a woman once my surgery is complete.

The fact is I want a woman to please but then I think I want her to pleasure me and then this makes me cry because she cannot give me oral since I do not have a vagina. This is making me cry now just thinking of why I really do not pursue a relationship with a woman now. I so want to be with a woman sexually but I am not sure I can handle not being able to have her pleasure me. I think I might break down emotionally after I gave her oral pleasure. This is an not a nice place over here now.

Enough of the political correctness I want to eat a fucken pussy so bad all I think of is … ok a shaved or trimmed pussy to eat. But then I think I want the right woman but my sex drive says any woman. It is like a serious damn problem. My sex drive is the range of a 20’s yr old woman and I do not have a vagina. 

I am the professional woman in public but not a nice girl in private. I have a video on utube of a girl kissing a girl and suddenly she pulls on the girls hair to let her know who is in charge. Damn that makes me wet just thinking about it.  Put bluntly “ I don’t do girls ; girls do me.”  it is not my strong preference but who I am and I will settle for anything less.

Then about one yr ago I was at the local target store when I thought I had the type of woman I want etched in my head; wrong again. This woman I saw was very muscular with tight pants and suddenly at the pizza hut outlet she looked me up and down three times so I returned the gesture lol. Then she said how are you?  I said I am good and you. She said as she walked away, “ you have a nice day.” We kept eyes on each other then she turned away. Wow I thought she was hot.

Just maybe I am looking for a dyke girl like her or fem or I have not idea. I know I love a girl to throw me up against the wall and make love to me. but the minute I think of that I realize that I have no vagina but god that makes me so wet. I need to find a girlfriend before surgery because I need sex. But how to control this sex drive while waiting for surgery is almost mission impossible. This is because I think of sex all the time unless I am in a bad mental state. Once the bad mental state passes it is back to sex, sex, sex. But in all honesty I want a woman to make love to me not fuck me. I want her to make me so wet I beg for to eat her. oh did I really say that lol.

I might look like the girl next door but I am a hot bitch most of the time and aching to try out my new breast but I lack the vagina which challenges me to decide what to do. Now back to aching for a woman to go down on me. how bad is it? I went so far as to have a fantasy where I just finished surgery and my girlfriend would lick my new pussy.  But then I thought omg that might give me an infection or her one too. 

There is no way in hell I can wait the 6-8 weeks after surgery to pleasure myself or have a woman go down on me. I have asked the doctor repeatedly about this but I am sure he is thinking of a penis penetrating my new vagina. As I told my primary care doctor, “ no penis will ever go into this vagina.” Yes I really did say that. So I am think what will be the harm at 4 weeks if a woman licked my new vagina? The only concern I have is possible infection. I will ask the doctor when I get to Thailand. I can only imagine his face when I ask this question. I am very direct but talking about sexuality is kinda new to me. I have been trying to write this blog for about one yr.

I even have fantasies with two women but immediately I think that would not last because only one person can give another 100 percent.  I am looking for a loving woman that loves me as a me and loves to receive oral. I absolutely love to give oral to a woman but only my girlfriend. 

That being said I love hot wet kisses and even in Australia I and another girl kissed for 4 days almost non stop. She did not believe she was cheating on her boyfriend if we only kissed. I was 20 yrs old and I said I can live with that opps. That was cheating but omg Helen could kiss and kiss and I loved it. I cannot imagine I did not ask her to give her oral but the kissing was gold to me.

But most of all I want to cuddle with a woman and hug her and wake up in my lovers arms night after night. I want a wife who is very loving and just a down to earth real woman that where we enjoy each other’s company. 

That is a bit more than I probably should speak about on line but oh well it is the real me.  now I need some more red wine and then I will go to bed and cry because I so want to be with a woman as a woman.  There is no way to shut off the sex drive and exercising seems to increase the sex drive too.  I am in a no win situation except to go for broke and get this surgery done soon. 

Thank you

Rachel

Ps interested women please contact me lol