Lost Balance, visit to VA ER, surgery and much more

On Sunday I lost my balance and fell backwards. the truth is that I think I lost my balance to ? muscle mass loss? I don't know but i know i struggled to prevent the fall. I hit the wall hard enough that i dislodged my standing mirror from the casing and my back and perhaps my head hit the wall. thus given that i am on estrogen and I had a bruise combined with the light headedness I was very scared a stroke might be in the making. so i headed to the VA ER on monday night.

I had a fantastic visit .  even the window staff looked up the trimet schedule because the bus and train stop around the time I was discharged. the window staff looked up the info so I was able to get the last bus home around midnight. 

my best guess of what happened yesterday based on the fact that my Ct scan and Xray and all my blood work was normal is that it was a combination of my hormones raging more, my allergies combined with the heat. the heat apparently really is a challenge due to my changing body and my accumulation of portland. a few yrs ago the heat was so mild compared to back east but now the heat is a more than i can handle combined with my allergies and hormones.

i also learned last night on the bus home that i had the same fear i had in the marines late at night. but on hormones i realize how dangerous it can be for a woman and it is not safe at night whereas in the past i was emotionally shut down.  last night i did not realize it until the moment happened that even at bus stops late at night i would strike up a conversation with a woman or she would start one with me. last night the only woman at the bus stop start a conversation with me.

the whole thing is the memories and hormones never shut off, never. then after i arrived home my nerves were so bad that i skipped my estrogen because i could not handle the lack of sleep and the extremely long day. i thought in the moment i cannot work a stressful environment. i am a different person and what i could tolerate yr one of hormones is not me now.  i have moved from a  fight or flight environment to a more functional one and i have a hard time wrapping my head around how fast i have changed.

i was so distraught last night in my apt i had a maladaptive dream of a gf/ wife and all of you asking me if I wanted to stop hormones and forgo surgery. in the moment i said i rather as i cry have a relationship with a woman than surgery. my journey is not about a vagina and i am so damn scared of surgery. if a woman ask me not to have surgery because she was scared i would die. i am think i wold forgo surgery because there is no data to support that it will help me . there is nothing. my maladaptive dreams helped me through stress and help me work through problems.

then this morning I awoke to my hormones raging at a new level despite not taking one estrogen pill the night before. i cannot stop what i started and the hormones never give me a rest. this is s a fact. they are raging nearly every minute of every day now. it is like i am on a mission for surgery and i am trying to overt a disaster after surgery. i know i need a big goal that will allow me to move past surgery. today i was back to my normal self struggling with memories and the hormones raging.

i had a flashback as i drank my water this morning of how my parents abused me and i apparently had a panic attack and i was forced to drink water to calm me down. i used this opportunity to create a new feeling in the moment for today. this is the real challenge on hormones and my ability to think a crisis is so so important but i do struggle a lot but i never have quite.

the flashback are good too. when i cooked my carrot cake the right amount of time had past for the cake to be done. but i had a memory of my mom saying," donnie the cake will be done when it is done."  so i left the cake in for another 5 minutes and boom the perfect carrot cake with icing was complete after a night in the frig. but when i iced the cake i had a flashback of what my mom said about icing cakes.

i had changed who I am as human being and my true values come forth in my process.  i now see if a woman stares at me as offensive because my prospective, as of today, is you see me in a sexual way but not as human being? why now say hi to me rather than as a sex object and yes this has happen many times in portland. i was flattered in the past but i thought about this over and over and i realized today it is not different an a man starring at me sexually. this is a profound shift in my values that hid in me for decades. i have changed as human being who happens to be a woman.

this shift happened because i was attracted to my  therapist but i realized that i wanted to dress like her  and her and look like her. then last week  i saw a woman in public that had a short dress then a woman that was muscular and athletic. my thought process was i want to look like the girl in the short dress and i am attracted to the athletic woman. but in the moment in therapy i told my therapist  I don't know you but as my therapist. i went on to tell her  that i do not know you as a person and then i figured out so much and I learned that it takes time to know if you like someone and they are compatible with you.  furthermore i realized that i cannot judge people on a single look or action but this is something my mother taught me that i have to unlearn and i have started to make progress of this in so many ways. basically i am in therapy 24/7 and i need to learn to do what i did the other day and that is relax and think of nothing. 

i have decided to wait for the right job despite my talent to work in a call center and raise the monies for surgery in the next six months. i want to arrive alive but in thailand and i have no idea of the dangers i will face and last night opened my eyes that i have to find someone to go with me. i  barely made it though last night. i slipped back into my maladaptive dreams and for surgery i need to live in the moment to come through it a healed woman and human being.

thank you to both of you for opening your heart to help me in my journey. the never ending emails  is and was a gateway for me to take on the challenges of xerox, therapist  with no secrets, the blog. the biggest reason i have healed so fast is the love of god and your love and caring .

thank you and god bless,

rachel

ps i think i need to move from Facebook before surgery or sooner because that is my to direct my very sexual self up front and personal. i seek to find a woman of god to live the rest of my life with and not ... thinking in the moment ..... one prospective woman...... maybe she is on facebook because i see so many other lesbians that are dying just to cuddle with another woman. we are so lonely and all over the country. 

......  all we have in common is we supposedly belong to the GLBT community and this means what?i  my mother would say "' donald you come on too strong." i am just me and i have very strong views of morality and life. i state what i have experienced in life and it ruffles people in the gay community but I have never any problem with a  woman. i think the conversation with the men and women are so different.  i especially get a laugh from a woman when i talk about my experience on hormones. a few women have said,," welcome to the club."  i think one is ..... i did not like it when ..... said that women have weaker upper body strength then men lol. it is true but i cannot wrap my head around how i cannot lift and do what i had done for decades due to my environment. 

i am glad i am surrounded by women that care about me and this complicates my decision concerning surgery because people now care about me whereas this was not true before.  now if i end up dead after surgery or i have massive complications my emotions and others are affected now. so the decision of surgery of when and where is complicated because of the love of so many. i think of the office manager and the hours in his office when he gave the most important thing to me and that is his time. so many have given so much to me in the last few yrs i need to do surgery right so i can move past it and heal myself and others.

i think i am done lol
 

the depth of my pain that seems to never end

this is an email to a friend:

hi

i am crying because to be direct i have not been intimate with a woman in over 3 yrs. i my hormones are raging higher than when i was a teen.  i am about to mentally crack if I can not find a woman to be intimate with really soon. i have been holding the line for a long time. I just do not know how much longer i can go with out and intimacy of a woman. I know jenna said the right " girlfriend." at this point i settle for a one night stand. ( so many others experience this high sex drive; the documentation of it can lower you sex drive is pure bs.)  the question a doctor should ask the patient, as I told my therapist last week, should be how is your sex drive and do you have the desire to have sex with someone if your surgery was completed? i think you would be surprised at the number of women like me that would admit to a high sex drive and wanting to wait for surgery. this is tearing me in pieces and it has for a long time.

i went onto craigslist and posted an ad then removed it 5 minutes later. I also was in my cyber world but I cannot cross the line anymore with men just for sex. the fact is i cannot be around men at all most of the time. the very thought of what i have done with men in the past haunts me in my memories brought back by the estrogen.  the memories make me sick to my stomach of what i did in the past. this is my dirty secret and i cannot unto all i did in the past as i cry and cry. i did all of these things to get the attention as a woman. i am tired of the pain please god come get me . the pain is too much for me to endure.

if i cannot find gf by my birthday i am sure i will pay a woman to be with me. i cannot take it much longer. i know if i do this i cannot undo it and i may pay a price that i cannot even imagine. the price will be to tell my girlfriend i was with a prostitute because i wanted to be with a woman.

my hormones have raged like this for about one yr but they are growing in strength as i bring my anxiety under control. i am holding on by a thread in the area of sex.  i am not sure i can wait until surgery for sex but i really don't want sex. i want intimacy that has eluded me for decades. for a woman to tell me she loves me as rachel has been a dream all of my life. i am tired of waiting please god sent me a good woman to help me with the cross i am carrying.

i am crying because i know what the consequences of a prostitute are with a woman but i am not sure i can stop it.

thank you

rachel sexuality and being a lesbian

Hi

This is a very new blog for me because I will explore my sexuality in a very intimate way for others to see into my world. The total numbers of Lesbians in the trans community is unknown but a interesting subset of trans lesbians also exist within the community. I am sexually attracted to genetic women but some trans women are attracted to other trans women. I just wanted to mention that in this article.  back to me and my sexuality now.

I was a taken a bit back the other day when a woman I was talking to a the VA, not a VA employee, asked me when did I know? I thought and I had judged she was going to ask when I felt like a woman but she asked “ when did you know you were a lesbian?” I told her when I was this big so otherwise around 10-12 yrs old? I never have been attracted to men. I did spend time with men sexually but I never allowed anal penetration. So to be direct I performed oral on men and plenty of times to get the attention as a woman.  But that only worked for a while and I felt dirty afterwards however dressed very feminine in adult venues when I met the occasional woman I felt no shame lol.

Once I met a girl in a adult venue in  PA and we decided to go to the park where the men did their thing and we decided to stay in the car and do our thing. ( note: suddenly while we were just playing the car nearly every man headed our way and I said to the girl this is not good. We went back to the adult store to finished playing. Once I was called a fish at an adult store and I did not know what that meant. The guy says you know women? I said no. he said you know women smell. I said omfg.

 There is apparently hatred of women in parts of the  gay community and I think it probably goes the other way with Lesbian distaste for men.) while in the car with the  woman it was very apparent from the very beginning she knew how to touch and exactly what to do and I was boiling hot in 2.5 seconds. On the other hand men I tried and tried to teach what I liked and it was like, excuse me , getting a dog to walk backwards.  But the woman had me so hot I had no choice but to go down on her and I loved it when a woman moans and more she moans the hotter I get. This is me.

So fast forward to the age of hormones and about 6-8 mos ago I was half awake and half a sleep when I realized I had my index and middle finger heading towards my crotch. Mentally in a semi sleep state I thought I was going to rub my vagina I don’t have yet. Wow that was a shock to my mind and that was the only time it happened but it was so real I started to cry knowing that my brain thinks I have a vagina. The hiding ended for me when I started hormones.

As the last few months went forward my fantasies about women and the sexual acts intensified to a state that makes me cry sometimes and yet others I mediate with food but that is not good either. The craving to be with a woman as a woman is increasing by the day as my brain realizes there is such a mismatch with this birth defect between my legs.  Sometimes all I think is about sex and that always means my hormones are raging. ( at month 30 the anxiety during the day went to zero but at night it has been a nightmare where I have near panic attacks due to anxiety. Is this because I have no vagina?  ) 

Also one day about 3-4 months ago I envisioned how I would pleasure a woman orally and I thought to myself every experience is so different on hormones. I am not the person that existed yrs or anything like I envisioned before hormones.  so about 3 months ago I envisioned knowing what a woman likes by how I might like a woman to give me oral while I had a visional picture of a vagina in my head. It was so odd and strange. I think I am trying to understand how my brain has changed and please do not believe the hype that your sex drive goes down on hormones. so many others speak of high sex drive that it sounds like most of us have increased sex drive on hormones. 

So when I envisioned giving a woman oral I remembered how I learned so much from an ex girlfriend and I enjoyed pleasuring her orally and with my fingers. I even had her help me and teach me exactly how she liked it to the point I her guide my fingers in her vagina so I knew exactly what excited her. Rachel was doing so serious research long before hormones. there was a specific reason I wanted to know how to pleasure her and wow that was a revelation to say the least.

With the same girlfriend I started to experiment with my feminine sexuality.  I did not know it in the moment yrs ago but I was trying to turn her into my lesbian lover.  We even tried the scissor position with a toy like so many lesbian do and I nearly had an organism. ( the position for non lesbian … please google it damn)   I knew who I was back years ago and if I could have found a woman to love me as a woman I would have be me yrs ago.  That experience was not too far in my memory and one I look forward to doing with a woman once my surgery is complete.

The fact is I want a woman to please but then I think I want her to pleasure me and then this makes me cry because she cannot give me oral since I do not have a vagina. This is making me cry now just thinking of why I really do not pursue a relationship with a woman now. I so want to be with a woman sexually but I am not sure I can handle not being able to have her pleasure me. I think I might break down emotionally after I gave her oral pleasure. This is an not a nice place over here now.

Enough of the political correctness I want to eat a fucken pussy so bad all I think of is … ok a shaved or trimmed pussy to eat. But then I think I want the right woman but my sex drive says any woman. It is like a serious damn problem. My sex drive is the range of a 20’s yr old woman and I do not have a vagina. 

I am the professional woman in public but not a nice girl in private. I have a video on utube of a girl kissing a girl and suddenly she pulls on the girls hair to let her know who is in charge. Damn that makes me wet just thinking about it.  Put bluntly “ I don’t do girls ; girls do me.”  it is not my strong preference but who I am and I will settle for anything less.

Then about one yr ago I was at the local target store when I thought I had the type of woman I want etched in my head; wrong again. This woman I saw was very muscular with tight pants and suddenly at the pizza hut outlet she looked me up and down three times so I returned the gesture lol. Then she said how are you?  I said I am good and you. She said as she walked away, “ you have a nice day.” We kept eyes on each other then she turned away. Wow I thought she was hot.

Just maybe I am looking for a dyke girl like her or fem or I have not idea. I know I love a girl to throw me up against the wall and make love to me. but the minute I think of that I realize that I have no vagina but god that makes me so wet. I need to find a girlfriend before surgery because I need sex. But how to control this sex drive while waiting for surgery is almost mission impossible. This is because I think of sex all the time unless I am in a bad mental state. Once the bad mental state passes it is back to sex, sex, sex. But in all honesty I want a woman to make love to me not fuck me. I want her to make me so wet I beg for to eat her. oh did I really say that lol.

I might look like the girl next door but I am a hot bitch most of the time and aching to try out my new breast but I lack the vagina which challenges me to decide what to do. Now back to aching for a woman to go down on me. how bad is it? I went so far as to have a fantasy where I just finished surgery and my girlfriend would lick my new pussy.  But then I thought omg that might give me an infection or her one too. 

There is no way in hell I can wait the 6-8 weeks after surgery to pleasure myself or have a woman go down on me. I have asked the doctor repeatedly about this but I am sure he is thinking of a penis penetrating my new vagina. As I told my primary care doctor, “ no penis will ever go into this vagina.” Yes I really did say that. So I am think what will be the harm at 4 weeks if a woman licked my new vagina? The only concern I have is possible infection. I will ask the doctor when I get to Thailand. I can only imagine his face when I ask this question. I am very direct but talking about sexuality is kinda new to me. I have been trying to write this blog for about one yr.

I even have fantasies with two women but immediately I think that would not last because only one person can give another 100 percent.  I am looking for a loving woman that loves me as a me and loves to receive oral. I absolutely love to give oral to a woman but only my girlfriend. 

That being said I love hot wet kisses and even in Australia I and another girl kissed for 4 days almost non stop. She did not believe she was cheating on her boyfriend if we only kissed. I was 20 yrs old and I said I can live with that opps. That was cheating but omg Helen could kiss and kiss and I loved it. I cannot imagine I did not ask her to give her oral but the kissing was gold to me.

But most of all I want to cuddle with a woman and hug her and wake up in my lovers arms night after night. I want a wife who is very loving and just a down to earth real woman that where we enjoy each other’s company. 

That is a bit more than I probably should speak about on line but oh well it is the real me.  now I need some more red wine and then I will go to bed and cry because I so want to be with a woman as a woman.  There is no way to shut off the sex drive and exercising seems to increase the sex drive too.  I am in a no win situation except to go for broke and get this surgery done soon. 

Thank you

Rachel

Ps interested women please contact me lol