hell of hormones and therapy part 1

Hi,

I wish I could express in English or any other language the pain it is to live with this disease/disorder. Although I detesta woman  using the pronoun he and himself to describe me. but perhaps she has it right and  I am no more than a male in a dress without surgery.  I really truly wonder what people think of people like me when not appeasing me in person?

I think I finally get it no matter what I do, say or feel the fact is I was born a male and even if I tore my birthday certificate in pieces (which is in sight )and burned it or anything else I was born a male.  The mental illness in the community is like a plague that is part of the disease at birth or developed over time by the deep depression and anxiety of being found out by our friends and family.  There are those that have the surgery and go stealth only to pray we are not discovered that we once were born men.  Which one is worse hiding and  a male but a woman underneath or living as a woman but while born a male?  That would depend on your prospective I would think? 

So, I have come to the crossroads in my life where I am 54 and my peer’s that graduated from Penn State are making five figures or six figure salaries or more.  Rachel/ Don? She / he lives in housing paid for by the VA to prevent eviction and homelessness.  I have accomplished so little in my life compared to my peers at Penn State and yet I have the same comparable intelligence but lack the emotional stability to hold a job for very long over  a 30 yrs time peroid.  The core issue is my gender and unless I have surgery I will never heal any more than I have already and that is not much considering my current mental health.

So that being said , as my mother would say definitely not what my  mother would do, I will make peace with the devil himself and do what others have done in my so called community and go the route of prostitution via a dominatrix.  I know I will judged harshly by so many in the VA community and society but before they do they should  remember you are not waking up every morning, every step you walk, every time you exercise you feel those things between your legs that are your curse of death.  This disease has bleed every last ounce of life out of me to drive me to this point .

God?  Where is he …laughing at me ? What kind of

God would create a creature like me that is so smart and intelligent with a dark curse to bleed dry day by day and year by year.  He , if he exist , has abandoned me from birth and  if not my disease the abuse I had to endure all of my life up to and including others  abusing me.  I never hurt anyone in my life physically and yet so many people that I loved used me as their  whipping post.  Now perhaps I will turn the tables and fund my surgery with this anger and maybe this will heal me ?  I know this is not Plausible I am sure but …. In all honesty I wish god would just……….

If god does exist I would tell him that a normal woman would have been nice and I don’t want this huge cross to bear any longer. People say “Rachel you are so strong.” If they could look into my heart and mind they would see I am dying day by day due to this disease and the healing at this point is only superficial. If they looked into my eyes they could see pain like few others experience.

 kelly  was so kind, nice and loving a woman and treated me with utmost respect while she was my therapist but her timing of leaving her current position was really the worst time of my life.  I understand why she took the new position and her teary eyes told me in her heart she was sorry but it had to be this way.

........

( new therapist vs my new therapist)

The difference was kelly would said Rachel” we will leave that appointment as is and we will see if it is needed.” This made me feel like I had a voice in the decision and my voice mattered. There are specific reasons why kellywas able to get me so far and I told her everything and literally there was nothing hidden from my mental state of mind .  She gave 100 percent then some and more important my voice mattered and she always asked me is that ok and when I did not respond she would ask again. This  happened  from day one and because she made me think she cared, and she did, I began to trust her. Whereas leah seems willing to make all the decisions for me and …enough ….

yesterday I felt myself emotionally shutting down like Norad closing the granite doors.  There is no sugarcoating that I will miss kelly a great deal and I wish her the best at the same time.  However my frame of mind now is that Don can take care of Don like he has for so many years with no help. Don will not become a real woman named Rachel without the surgery.  The fact is several women talked to me about dating but since I have not had surgery yet they will not date me.  I guess I will have to explain to anyone I date  before hand what I had to do to pay for surgery.   

I did not pick this disease it picked me and there is no place to run nor anyone can help me through this including god who apparently is MIA too. My mistake was thinking I was so much different than so many in the community …………Wrong again

Thank you

To be rachel

Ps the issue is I could share with kelly my inner thoughts and tell her  my self destructive thoughts no matter how deep and there was no judgment nor did she retaliate in my file. This safe space allowed me to say things that were passing thoughts and things I needed to get off my proverbial chest   .  much like a manager  when I told her I like to drive my 4 inch spiked heels........she  said  Rachel you don’t want to break your heel.  I did not intent to do the act but I needed to get it out. both women  realized what i needed and both gave me that space. 

Now I will hold them private until …???  If I tell others I would be more than judged and with the both of you it would cross a boundary and maybe more.