Hell of hormones and therapy... look inside my head

Hi,

I thought about the email I put together last night and is that how I really feel? In a large part , yes!!!!!!!!

I am sitting in my apartment on my Sofia and try as I did all last night I could not call myself Don. I hate ,loathe that my mother knew so much about me and even when I asked to change my name she said ….. “no Mister you are changing your name.”  I said very defiantly I will change it when I am 18 years old. My mother said, “until then it is Donald.” To say my family did not know about the abuse and gender would be a out right lie. So , when I told my mother of my gender in my sister’s garage and in 2011 she received the letter from me, which gave to the priest in time, it was not a shocking as one would think.  SHE AND OTHERS IN MY FAMILY KNEW ALL ALONG BUT WERE IN DENIAL LIKE MYSELF.

The rate of my memories of my childhood abuse and the coping mechanisms used by my parents are very “ pronounced” and building in intensity by the second at this point. For example, I know why my father listened to music and ........... My father listened to music, like myself, as an escape from reality because the real world was too overwhelming. His undoing was he could never admit he was wrong and ask for help. I think I knew this conscious as child and processed enough of the information to learn from his experiences so I did not repeat them. Also my mother was frustrated to the level of physical aggression because I was so defiant and determined to make my own decisions whereas my brother and sister did was they were told without explanation. I wanted to know why I am doing something and to the my mother would say, “ because I told you so.” I would then say , “ but why.” This alone would result in corporal punishment or she would say “ listen here” and if you don’t listen I will tell you father. My mother used my father as a tool of punishment because she knew he would spank me.  Somehow  I knew who I was and my gender was to blame in their eyes but the fact is I just wanted to be me. The more you beat me the more determined I am to get , not get my way, but as a woman  once said in a meeting “ respect.” This is all I truly wanted in my family and life and it does not exist yet or will it ever?

I am so frustrated because the therapist I leaned so hard on with every week appointments is not here any more. My safe zone to tell her my most inner secrets has dissipated so quickly.  I would tell her about very self destructive behaviors that I dare not put in any email. She would know that I would not do it but I needed to tell someone. I only told her no one else …. I am crying because …… she is the only one I trusted with ….. I wanna tell you but it would compromise  our friendship.....

The pain is much more than you know and I would be cut to pieces by the people in my subculture and yet others would want to institutionize me and possibly , more than likely, take me off my estrogen. my therapist , kelly, knew that I would never heal in a program and that is why she was so persistent about me keeping my apartment. Honestly I am amazed at how far kelly brought me in a short time. That is why when my new therapist , jane,  came to introduce herself to me in kelly's office I stepped  back like when I was kid and emotionally shut down.(the walls of NORAD were locked I filtered every word in kelly's office) Jane had stepped in to my safe sanctuary where I could share my pain and I was so vulnerable. That safe sanctuary is gone forever ?

God? Honestly all the pain I am in I wonder what kinda god would create a freak of nature / creature like me ? then God teasing me with hope only to pull it away so I drift further into a hell few can relate to? And why? What did I do to ever deserve this damnation for over 50 yrs? 

I would like to share what I am thinking but …. Can’t because it would call into question the  mental stability of me. I could tell kelly and it would heal me. 

The email last night was a desperate attempt to push all that are close to me far away so I can go into a deeper depression and why not my family and friends have abandoned for so long I cannot count the years. And yes when I was a kid I actually envisioned the walls as thick as NORAD so no one to get to me and hurt me but they hurt me all the same with no remorse.

I even told kelly in our last session the pain is so deep after I masturbate that I think of cutting off my penis with a knife.  The pain is that deep and the longer this goes the more I ……will I become suicidal? ( no one knows and if you think do you are in denial )

If I go into a Va program I will be told what and how to do so much and there goes my independence and my hope of surgery because I will have to back track once again and save money for an apartment then worry about surgery. I see surgery like this you get a bronze for cutting your penis , silver for orchi ( removal of testicles) and gold for surgery. I will accept no less than a gold and when my coping mechanisms have failed ……

I am just saying what so many feel in the community but lack the opportunity and courage to speak the truth.  I know for sure at this point that the cheap solution is my goal and in a short time if I am still struggling to get the money for surgery I will make that deal with the devil. 

As I told pcp I have no idea how much longer I can do this and because of my personality is all or none and I will do what it takes to get it all.  I have failed at so much in my life but I will get this surgery no matter what or how I need to get it done. Until I have surgery I doubt I can mental heal any more.

So I am taking steps to lose the weight and in six months I will be ready for surgery and at that time if there is no movement in funding I will make that deal with no reservations because my life depends on this surgery.  I wish I could tell you what I told kelly in my appointments …… the depth of the pain is beyond anything I have ever known. What I detest is we live in one of the richest and most powerful countries in the world and yet surgery is not covered but in mexico it is fully covered. Where is God?

Yesterday I was so emotionally shut down like NORAD walls that my hormones did not nearly make me pass out like they do every night.  I am still above the ground because of hope but it is fading fast. I am not the only one that thinks like this in the community but apparently the only one that speaks about what it is really like on hormones…. The lies have buried so many of us… yet some within our subculture are profiting from our pain and look good in the media too.  I , like so many others, feel our own have betrayed us for power and politics to enhance their egos.  And if there is a god I hope they rot in hell for the women that attempt suicide or think of suicide until they go back only to die much more depressed .

I talked to a woman on the plane on the way to white city. She was in her 70’s and she told me her sister had boy characteristics all of her life and died of alcoholism. She said she knew in her heart she drank her self to death because she had to live as a woman. I said that pretty much fits my theory and why I ate and ate food until I was nearly dead until 2011.  This is also why I speak and I am so defiant in the subculture that has betrayed so many of us in the name of CASH. 

The pain looks like it never end with surgery or without surgery.  This a fight few can last to the very end and am I one? But god has put Rheumatoid arthritis and the new one fibromyalgia on top of my gender and why? Anyone  of these diseases has done in better people than me and what makes me stay here and think I can win? Maybe I am diluting myself to think I can win because I am still in my fantasy world and as I come out one of the diseases will do me in where it kills me emotionally or physically?

Honestly I feel betrayed by God in so many ways or maybe I saw things that I thought were there but really were not?

I am isolating from everyone and canceled a meeting with the one friend in Portland and why? I am tired of being hurt over and over and people coming and going. I know it is part of life … my friend has a saying PS … people suck. Do I really buy into that? NO. but it surely is way to not get close to people and thus shut down your emotions. I don’t want to get to the point but yesterday I was totally shut down and felt no PTSD when the neighbors were shamming their doors and I had no reaction to the incident. Nothing seemed to get to me emotional yesterday night , nothing. And that was because I literally shut the world out so the pain ended but ….

However That damn estrogen would not allow me to shut the whole way down so I am in a real catch 22 where if I go back , which I will not, there will be no chance for growth but no chance of deep depression or that is what I tell myself.  It seems I am so deep into the treatment there is one way out SURGERY OR DEATH. I have locked myself into a one way door and either one will come my way and time is not my friend at 54. 

Thinking in the moment I have until …. I don’t know because of estrogen my world changes by the second because my memories which are positive and negative compel me to deal with the past and heal and move forward where I need different coping mechanisms or the current mechanisms used to a higher level (ie. DBT). 

All not all my memories of past are not bad for instance the time I ran outside and pretended I did not hear my mother as I took my sled up the hill. She sent my brother to get me then she told me , “I know you heard me but you kept on going.” I said , “ no I did not while my brother was laughing.  I also remember my mother getting mad at me and running outside to she tried to  catch me with a paddle in hand or chasing around the living table where we both  laughed . I have been like this for decades but the internal pain is reaching a threshold that I not sure I can handle much longer without surgery.

I understand there is nothing you can do to ease my pain but know I do appreciate you listening to a true story and not one that has a political spin designed to attract more donors to put money in a non profit that has no intention of truly helping those in need.

The hormones have truly dug their claws into me because even my best efforts to switch back to my right hand were fruitless yesterday. 

Thank you ,

Rachel

Ps there never was a Don. I am just upset at losing kelly as my  therapist and the new one apparently punches the clock. I also feel like a woman without a country because of my views. In the subculture the ones that distance their selves from others are known as separatist, me I guess.  Also the deep frustration of using my left hand is every moment of every day and seems to be  …… the rewiring could take up to a decade since it takes the same about of time for a woman on hormones to adjust…. A doctor at the VA concurs that hormones affect the human body virtual the same no matter gender. However I differ on her opinion of sexual reassignment surgery is not complicated. 

It is possible I will never have a therapist which I will tell all of my deep secrets like I told kelly because …… this is deep pain …..  next therapist , if there is one, will be kept an arm’s length away so I don’t get hurt like I have been this time with kelly departing my life.  It all makes me feel like I am alone … and others will depart after time for whatever reason….. I will die alone with no friends…. My deepest fear……

Lastly I know why others access hormones off the net and it is not because of medical access but the trauma that one has to endure via testing and therapy in the medical community. They wonder if will get doctor like dr pcp that says , “ you need the meds.” Or get the doctor who says, “ you chose to put those meds in your body” then puts in the medical file whatever she chooses. This is in large part why there is a wall of secrecy that few choose to share with the general population. The risk exceeds the benefits and although the internet supplier has less risk the benefit is lower stress and no one judges us.

Now lastly I cannot risk a doctor/ therapist that thinks “ you choose to put the meds in your body” thus I think I will defer on therapy for now or never again. It is like a knife cut a piece out of my heart which no god can repair the damage.