wow out of my dark space and back to the rachel zone lol

hi

i worked my way through that dark space that was posted on my blog last night. I posted my resume on careerbuilder and I have an interview scheduled for tomorrow and one on Wednesday.  I have really high highs and low lows but my friends seem to know when and what to say and how to help me I am one of the lucky ones.

I do believe god is with me and I said things in the last blog out of anger and frustration because i need surgery so bad and in the USA there are few options except CASH.  I will not prostitute myself out like I said int he blogs omg ... thought of that I would never touch a male .... NEVER. I am woman that only would touch a woman or let her touch me.

I am not a Dominatrix,nor will ever be one, i am woman of god and lost some faith over the weekend but I have regained my belief in god and asked for his forgiveness.  I am seeking a woman of god to share my journey with where I started thinking I would date , as some in the community say, the world. I am a one woman girl and will always be one .

i like to thank my angels of god for holding me up again and guiding me through this very dangerous time in my life because of the emotional trauma of my past and what I had to endure to move from Don to
Rachel. there never was a Don or Donnie there was only ever Rachel. she hid from everyone so well until she nearly died then god came to me in 2011 and helped me find my angles to help me on my journey on hormones.

thank to my angles of god and god bless

Rachel

ps this journey is not for the weak .... people say you are strong rachel... i am hurting but little by little i am making it through this journey on hormones

hell of hormones and therapy part 1

Hi,

I wish I could express in English or any other language the pain it is to live with this disease/disorder. Although I detesta woman  using the pronoun he and himself to describe me. but perhaps she has it right and  I am no more than a male in a dress without surgery.  I really truly wonder what people think of people like me when not appeasing me in person?

I think I finally get it no matter what I do, say or feel the fact is I was born a male and even if I tore my birthday certificate in pieces (which is in sight )and burned it or anything else I was born a male.  The mental illness in the community is like a plague that is part of the disease at birth or developed over time by the deep depression and anxiety of being found out by our friends and family.  There are those that have the surgery and go stealth only to pray we are not discovered that we once were born men.  Which one is worse hiding and  a male but a woman underneath or living as a woman but while born a male?  That would depend on your prospective I would think? 

So, I have come to the crossroads in my life where I am 54 and my peer’s that graduated from Penn State are making five figures or six figure salaries or more.  Rachel/ Don? She / he lives in housing paid for by the VA to prevent eviction and homelessness.  I have accomplished so little in my life compared to my peers at Penn State and yet I have the same comparable intelligence but lack the emotional stability to hold a job for very long over  a 30 yrs time peroid.  The core issue is my gender and unless I have surgery I will never heal any more than I have already and that is not much considering my current mental health.

So that being said , as my mother would say definitely not what my  mother would do, I will make peace with the devil himself and do what others have done in my so called community and go the route of prostitution via a dominatrix.  I know I will judged harshly by so many in the VA community and society but before they do they should  remember you are not waking up every morning, every step you walk, every time you exercise you feel those things between your legs that are your curse of death.  This disease has bleed every last ounce of life out of me to drive me to this point .

God?  Where is he …laughing at me ? What kind of

God would create a creature like me that is so smart and intelligent with a dark curse to bleed dry day by day and year by year.  He , if he exist , has abandoned me from birth and  if not my disease the abuse I had to endure all of my life up to and including others  abusing me.  I never hurt anyone in my life physically and yet so many people that I loved used me as their  whipping post.  Now perhaps I will turn the tables and fund my surgery with this anger and maybe this will heal me ?  I know this is not Plausible I am sure but …. In all honesty I wish god would just……….

If god does exist I would tell him that a normal woman would have been nice and I don’t want this huge cross to bear any longer. People say “Rachel you are so strong.” If they could look into my heart and mind they would see I am dying day by day due to this disease and the healing at this point is only superficial. If they looked into my eyes they could see pain like few others experience.

 kelly  was so kind, nice and loving a woman and treated me with utmost respect while she was my therapist but her timing of leaving her current position was really the worst time of my life.  I understand why she took the new position and her teary eyes told me in her heart she was sorry but it had to be this way.

........

( new therapist vs my new therapist)

The difference was kelly would said Rachel” we will leave that appointment as is and we will see if it is needed.” This made me feel like I had a voice in the decision and my voice mattered. There are specific reasons why kellywas able to get me so far and I told her everything and literally there was nothing hidden from my mental state of mind .  She gave 100 percent then some and more important my voice mattered and she always asked me is that ok and when I did not respond she would ask again. This  happened  from day one and because she made me think she cared, and she did, I began to trust her. Whereas leah seems willing to make all the decisions for me and …enough ….

yesterday I felt myself emotionally shutting down like Norad closing the granite doors.  There is no sugarcoating that I will miss kelly a great deal and I wish her the best at the same time.  However my frame of mind now is that Don can take care of Don like he has for so many years with no help. Don will not become a real woman named Rachel without the surgery.  The fact is several women talked to me about dating but since I have not had surgery yet they will not date me.  I guess I will have to explain to anyone I date  before hand what I had to do to pay for surgery.   

I did not pick this disease it picked me and there is no place to run nor anyone can help me through this including god who apparently is MIA too. My mistake was thinking I was so much different than so many in the community …………Wrong again

Thank you

To be rachel

Ps the issue is I could share with kelly my inner thoughts and tell her  my self destructive thoughts no matter how deep and there was no judgment nor did she retaliate in my file. This safe space allowed me to say things that were passing thoughts and things I needed to get off my proverbial chest   .  much like a manager  when I told her I like to drive my 4 inch spiked heels........she  said  Rachel you don’t want to break your heel.  I did not intent to do the act but I needed to get it out. both women  realized what i needed and both gave me that space. 

Now I will hold them private until …???  If I tell others I would be more than judged and with the both of you it would cross a boundary and maybe more. 

  

Hell of hormones and therapy... look inside my head

Hi,

I thought about the email I put together last night and is that how I really feel? In a large part , yes!!!!!!!!

I am sitting in my apartment on my Sofia and try as I did all last night I could not call myself Don. I hate ,loathe that my mother knew so much about me and even when I asked to change my name she said ….. “no Mister you are changing your name.”  I said very defiantly I will change it when I am 18 years old. My mother said, “until then it is Donald.” To say my family did not know about the abuse and gender would be a out right lie. So , when I told my mother of my gender in my sister’s garage and in 2011 she received the letter from me, which gave to the priest in time, it was not a shocking as one would think.  SHE AND OTHERS IN MY FAMILY KNEW ALL ALONG BUT WERE IN DENIAL LIKE MYSELF.

The rate of my memories of my childhood abuse and the coping mechanisms used by my parents are very “ pronounced” and building in intensity by the second at this point. For example, I know why my father listened to music and ........... My father listened to music, like myself, as an escape from reality because the real world was too overwhelming. His undoing was he could never admit he was wrong and ask for help. I think I knew this conscious as child and processed enough of the information to learn from his experiences so I did not repeat them. Also my mother was frustrated to the level of physical aggression because I was so defiant and determined to make my own decisions whereas my brother and sister did was they were told without explanation. I wanted to know why I am doing something and to the my mother would say, “ because I told you so.” I would then say , “ but why.” This alone would result in corporal punishment or she would say “ listen here” and if you don’t listen I will tell you father. My mother used my father as a tool of punishment because she knew he would spank me.  Somehow  I knew who I was and my gender was to blame in their eyes but the fact is I just wanted to be me. The more you beat me the more determined I am to get , not get my way, but as a woman  once said in a meeting “ respect.” This is all I truly wanted in my family and life and it does not exist yet or will it ever?

I am so frustrated because the therapist I leaned so hard on with every week appointments is not here any more. My safe zone to tell her my most inner secrets has dissipated so quickly.  I would tell her about very self destructive behaviors that I dare not put in any email. She would know that I would not do it but I needed to tell someone. I only told her no one else …. I am crying because …… she is the only one I trusted with ….. I wanna tell you but it would compromise  our friendship.....

The pain is much more than you know and I would be cut to pieces by the people in my subculture and yet others would want to institutionize me and possibly , more than likely, take me off my estrogen. my therapist , kelly, knew that I would never heal in a program and that is why she was so persistent about me keeping my apartment. Honestly I am amazed at how far kelly brought me in a short time. That is why when my new therapist , jane,  came to introduce herself to me in kelly's office I stepped  back like when I was kid and emotionally shut down.(the walls of NORAD were locked I filtered every word in kelly's office) Jane had stepped in to my safe sanctuary where I could share my pain and I was so vulnerable. That safe sanctuary is gone forever ?

God? Honestly all the pain I am in I wonder what kinda god would create a freak of nature / creature like me ? then God teasing me with hope only to pull it away so I drift further into a hell few can relate to? And why? What did I do to ever deserve this damnation for over 50 yrs? 

I would like to share what I am thinking but …. Can’t because it would call into question the  mental stability of me. I could tell kelly and it would heal me. 

The email last night was a desperate attempt to push all that are close to me far away so I can go into a deeper depression and why not my family and friends have abandoned for so long I cannot count the years. And yes when I was a kid I actually envisioned the walls as thick as NORAD so no one to get to me and hurt me but they hurt me all the same with no remorse.

I even told kelly in our last session the pain is so deep after I masturbate that I think of cutting off my penis with a knife.  The pain is that deep and the longer this goes the more I ……will I become suicidal? ( no one knows and if you think do you are in denial )

If I go into a Va program I will be told what and how to do so much and there goes my independence and my hope of surgery because I will have to back track once again and save money for an apartment then worry about surgery. I see surgery like this you get a bronze for cutting your penis , silver for orchi ( removal of testicles) and gold for surgery. I will accept no less than a gold and when my coping mechanisms have failed ……

I am just saying what so many feel in the community but lack the opportunity and courage to speak the truth.  I know for sure at this point that the cheap solution is my goal and in a short time if I am still struggling to get the money for surgery I will make that deal with the devil. 

As I told pcp I have no idea how much longer I can do this and because of my personality is all or none and I will do what it takes to get it all.  I have failed at so much in my life but I will get this surgery no matter what or how I need to get it done. Until I have surgery I doubt I can mental heal any more.

So I am taking steps to lose the weight and in six months I will be ready for surgery and at that time if there is no movement in funding I will make that deal with no reservations because my life depends on this surgery.  I wish I could tell you what I told kelly in my appointments …… the depth of the pain is beyond anything I have ever known. What I detest is we live in one of the richest and most powerful countries in the world and yet surgery is not covered but in mexico it is fully covered. Where is God?

Yesterday I was so emotionally shut down like NORAD walls that my hormones did not nearly make me pass out like they do every night.  I am still above the ground because of hope but it is fading fast. I am not the only one that thinks like this in the community but apparently the only one that speaks about what it is really like on hormones…. The lies have buried so many of us… yet some within our subculture are profiting from our pain and look good in the media too.  I , like so many others, feel our own have betrayed us for power and politics to enhance their egos.  And if there is a god I hope they rot in hell for the women that attempt suicide or think of suicide until they go back only to die much more depressed .

I talked to a woman on the plane on the way to white city. She was in her 70’s and she told me her sister had boy characteristics all of her life and died of alcoholism. She said she knew in her heart she drank her self to death because she had to live as a woman. I said that pretty much fits my theory and why I ate and ate food until I was nearly dead until 2011.  This is also why I speak and I am so defiant in the subculture that has betrayed so many of us in the name of CASH. 

The pain looks like it never end with surgery or without surgery.  This a fight few can last to the very end and am I one? But god has put Rheumatoid arthritis and the new one fibromyalgia on top of my gender and why? Anyone  of these diseases has done in better people than me and what makes me stay here and think I can win? Maybe I am diluting myself to think I can win because I am still in my fantasy world and as I come out one of the diseases will do me in where it kills me emotionally or physically?

Honestly I feel betrayed by God in so many ways or maybe I saw things that I thought were there but really were not?

I am isolating from everyone and canceled a meeting with the one friend in Portland and why? I am tired of being hurt over and over and people coming and going. I know it is part of life … my friend has a saying PS … people suck. Do I really buy into that? NO. but it surely is way to not get close to people and thus shut down your emotions. I don’t want to get to the point but yesterday I was totally shut down and felt no PTSD when the neighbors were shamming their doors and I had no reaction to the incident. Nothing seemed to get to me emotional yesterday night , nothing. And that was because I literally shut the world out so the pain ended but ….

However That damn estrogen would not allow me to shut the whole way down so I am in a real catch 22 where if I go back , which I will not, there will be no chance for growth but no chance of deep depression or that is what I tell myself.  It seems I am so deep into the treatment there is one way out SURGERY OR DEATH. I have locked myself into a one way door and either one will come my way and time is not my friend at 54. 

Thinking in the moment I have until …. I don’t know because of estrogen my world changes by the second because my memories which are positive and negative compel me to deal with the past and heal and move forward where I need different coping mechanisms or the current mechanisms used to a higher level (ie. DBT). 

All not all my memories of past are not bad for instance the time I ran outside and pretended I did not hear my mother as I took my sled up the hill. She sent my brother to get me then she told me , “I know you heard me but you kept on going.” I said , “ no I did not while my brother was laughing.  I also remember my mother getting mad at me and running outside to she tried to  catch me with a paddle in hand or chasing around the living table where we both  laughed . I have been like this for decades but the internal pain is reaching a threshold that I not sure I can handle much longer without surgery.

I understand there is nothing you can do to ease my pain but know I do appreciate you listening to a true story and not one that has a political spin designed to attract more donors to put money in a non profit that has no intention of truly helping those in need.

The hormones have truly dug their claws into me because even my best efforts to switch back to my right hand were fruitless yesterday. 

Thank you ,

Rachel

Ps there never was a Don. I am just upset at losing kelly as my  therapist and the new one apparently punches the clock. I also feel like a woman without a country because of my views. In the subculture the ones that distance their selves from others are known as separatist, me I guess.  Also the deep frustration of using my left hand is every moment of every day and seems to be  …… the rewiring could take up to a decade since it takes the same about of time for a woman on hormones to adjust…. A doctor at the VA concurs that hormones affect the human body virtual the same no matter gender. However I differ on her opinion of sexual reassignment surgery is not complicated. 

It is possible I will never have a therapist which I will tell all of my deep secrets like I told kelly because …… this is deep pain …..  next therapist , if there is one, will be kept an arm’s length away so I don’t get hurt like I have been this time with kelly departing my life.  It all makes me feel like I am alone … and others will depart after time for whatever reason….. I will die alone with no friends…. My deepest fear……

Lastly I know why others access hormones off the net and it is not because of medical access but the trauma that one has to endure via testing and therapy in the medical community. They wonder if will get doctor like dr pcp that says , “ you need the meds.” Or get the doctor who says, “ you chose to put those meds in your body” then puts in the medical file whatever she chooses. This is in large part why there is a wall of secrecy that few choose to share with the general population. The risk exceeds the benefits and although the internet supplier has less risk the benefit is lower stress and no one judges us.

Now lastly I cannot risk a doctor/ therapist that thinks “ you choose to put the meds in your body” thus I think I will defer on therapy for now or never again. It is like a knife cut a piece out of my heart which no god can repair the damage.  

A thai doctor price for srs in thailand .... good or bad ? don;t know

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-22815143

this doctor is quoting me price of 1625.00 US dollars and it is a fraction of the cost of other thai doctors. however what the other providers are not telling you is that there are two prices in southeast asia one for the foreigner's and one for the locals. this is well known and since i was in thailand before in the marines i am well aware of it. outside the region people would think higher the price the better not necessarily.  also there is no data collected on any surgeron that does srs. so you literally are rolling the dice with any provider since all you can go on is word of mouth and as my mother would say consider the source. in this case ...... you only know people on the internet and we all how accurate that info is ?

i wanted to share and here is an article done by bbc news

thank you

rachel