hi
my emotions overwhelmed me I had to leave my place of employment. thus i am talking time to regroup and takw care of myself. I have found the estrogen has not taken any time off because of the reduced stress of not working. I will blog soon but i wanted to share this study from may 2013. the article also states the american doctors have not reported any of their results of sexual reassignment surgery
thank you
rachel
http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/804432
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Sunday, December 22, 2013
rachel will post tomorrow
i apologize due to stress and much more i have not be able to blog .the mix of hormones and the call center was not to my advantage over the long haul. i found out that my shoulder pain mediated with electro stimulation via portable device did not reduce my pain. but leaving the call center did reduce and eliminate the pain. the pain fared up my arthritis and made my hormones totally ineffective. i will give more details tomorrow.
i will have a blog up tomorrow.
thank you
rachel
i will have a blog up tomorrow.
thank you
rachel
Sunday, December 8, 2013
rachel friend again teaches her more of life's lesson .... prospective on transgender and women's
Hi,
This past week was exhaustive and almost never ending. The price of isolation over the years is becoming very apparent along with the self destructive behavior. I know many in the community isolate out of the heart felt need to protect themselves. In all honesty I truly understand why so many , not only , never dare go public with their stories but hide in their apartments and homes from family and friends. It is because undoing the mental health issue surrounding keeping your gender secret for decades comes at a big , big price. You have to be willing to unearth the devil and all your demons and allow yourself to become so vulnerable to your friends , work and the public.
None of this is an easy task. The smallest huddle in the day to day struggles of life can push you back into isolation and the conditioned responses you use to survive over the decades. My nemesis is food and pushing people away and I am very, very good at both. But in the past I never let but one woman at a time close to me and I am not talking about lovers but simply caring and loving friends. However over the last two years I have become friends with at least 5 women who know so much about my life. I risked so much because I really want to heal and I am tired of crying myself to sleep. The pain is more mental than physical. I realize that the mental damage done to me by the culture of society and my family has had a very negative impact on my ability to interact in society. This would include both work and my personal life.
Last week I dig in and tried to push a friend away and did the very thing I say so many in the community should not do and that is isolated from her.( I probably was thinking if I can push her away then I can push everyone way at least subconsciously) I had thought she had done something that she did not even know about. My perception of the entire situation was so distorted because of my inability to interact without the stress of my gender pressing my mental capabilities to problem solve any issue. So I fell back on my conditioned response and my self defensive and self destructive behaviors. I did this by concluding something about this woman based on no evidence. I has pushed her to the other side of the fence with so many in society and I did not even know in the moment what I had done.
I ran into her at work and she said Rachel why didn’t you come talk to me? The answer is I never gave her a chance to talk and it turns out I was the one that was in the wrong. This woman has been nothing but kind and caring to me and gives me the most precious gift I could ask for , her time. However in the process I had reached out to another girlfriend and told her of my intentions and what I thought of this woman. Well in my small inner circle there are smart, intelligent and ethical women that do not ever enable me. Then This other girlfriend sends me an email telling me how god was working with me and many other things. Below is the quote from the bible she sent me which I will be forever eternally grateful. Both women could not be wrong but I was in the wrong in my actions and thoughts and god knows this and I have asked him for his forgiveness. This is a spiritual journey for me and I am glad so many good women are around me .
Romans 2 The Message (MSG)
God Is Kind, but Not Soft
Those people are on a dark spiral downward. But if you think that leaves you on the high ground where you can point your finger at others, think again. Every time you criticize someone, you condemn yourself. It takes one to know one. Judgmental criticism of others is a well-known way of escaping detection in your own crimes and misdemeanors. But God isn’t so easily diverted. He sees right through all such smoke screens and holds you to what you’ve done.
You didn’t think, did you, that just by pointing your finger at others you would distract God from seeing all your misdoings and from coming down on you hard? Or did you think that because he’s such a nice God, he’d let you off the hook? Better think this one through from the beginning. God is kind, but he’s not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.
I had pointed my finger at my friend and taken the higher ground. I am the one that has said for every finger you point you have two pointing back to you. This time it was me pointing a finger that had nothing to do with the woman but everything to do with me.
I know what it takes out of a person that goes after a company that has wronged someone even when they are justified. I worked for a company where the owner did not pay the employees I recruited. When I could not take it any longer I went after him with the fiery of a woman scorned. I did not let up for about one year. I worked with US Senator office, IRS agents, and other federal agents in an attempt to make this guy pay for using me to recruit people and then not pay them what they earned. In the process I nearly mentally broke because the emotional stress and taking on so much by myself was too much for me mentally. This was all before hormones and I cannot imagine how that would play out today, much worse I am sure.( the fiery of the woman scorned could have been my need for surgery but it was all masked…. I am sure this is how deep my pain goes)
Also at the conclusion of many investigations my former employer even though he was stealing from the government he was stealing enough to prosecute him. He is still in business and it is business as usual in US government contracting in the USA. I took a stand for myself and that was so important in my life and this is the whole point I started to heal long before I took one estrogen pill.
I also learned the emotional toll was not worth it and I should have just walked away but I am glad I fought that fight but was it for the right reasons? I am sure you can tell I am still emotional about that situation and should I have fought or no walked away? Ethical and morally I had no choice any more than I have in speaking out now in the public. I saw a greater responsibility than myself which has helped me in my life today.
I learned valuable lessons in my life but never before let people close ,never. Well I knew I wanted to live my life to the fullest so I let a few women in very close. I am glad I did because I am starting to heal but the pain in me is overwhelming and old habits come back quickly when I am stressed in the least way at times like last week.
Lastly prospective, I was talking to a transgender woman and her prospective is that if you have an equally attractive woman standing next to an equally attractive transgender woman the transgender woman would be discriminated against. I ask the tough question and I ask her why? She said that is just the way it is . I don’t believe that for a second given my experiences with women and men in public. We , transgender women and women , are equally harassed and discriminated against. This is a gender issue not a trans only issue. The dilemma is how much more is a trans woman discriminated against than a woman…. I think it is far less than other think much far less.
But this attitude does one thing, isolates the transgender woman from others and women. The isolation is what kills the soul and making that blanket statement that the trans community is discriminated more than a woman to me is the very thing I detest and loathe. In the conversation I said nothing because I have learned to pick my battles with people that have a mindset that the world is against them.
I learn so much every day and if I was in isolation my experience on hormones would be drastically different . When I cry, which is a lot, that means I am alive and I will take that every time over isolation and the safety of my apartment. The risk is proportional to the risk so far I am healing but make no doubt the women in my life are the true difference along with god.
It is very apparent that I am also doing more self destructive behaviors with money and food because if I start to save then I would have to confront my deeper demon sexual reassignment surgery. I am scared to death to take on this demon and I am trying to figure a way to move beyond food and save money for surgery. I know how resourceful I am and I am sure I could figure a way to have surgery done by 2015 but instead I am running and pushing away from myself and success. As ziglar would say I am afraid of success and believe I am worth it.
I hope you all have a great day,
Thank you for allowing me share my story and help me heal
Rachel
If you like to get to know me better here is my face book id Rachel.candie.reid
This past week was exhaustive and almost never ending. The price of isolation over the years is becoming very apparent along with the self destructive behavior. I know many in the community isolate out of the heart felt need to protect themselves. In all honesty I truly understand why so many , not only , never dare go public with their stories but hide in their apartments and homes from family and friends. It is because undoing the mental health issue surrounding keeping your gender secret for decades comes at a big , big price. You have to be willing to unearth the devil and all your demons and allow yourself to become so vulnerable to your friends , work and the public.
None of this is an easy task. The smallest huddle in the day to day struggles of life can push you back into isolation and the conditioned responses you use to survive over the decades. My nemesis is food and pushing people away and I am very, very good at both. But in the past I never let but one woman at a time close to me and I am not talking about lovers but simply caring and loving friends. However over the last two years I have become friends with at least 5 women who know so much about my life. I risked so much because I really want to heal and I am tired of crying myself to sleep. The pain is more mental than physical. I realize that the mental damage done to me by the culture of society and my family has had a very negative impact on my ability to interact in society. This would include both work and my personal life.
Last week I dig in and tried to push a friend away and did the very thing I say so many in the community should not do and that is isolated from her.( I probably was thinking if I can push her away then I can push everyone way at least subconsciously) I had thought she had done something that she did not even know about. My perception of the entire situation was so distorted because of my inability to interact without the stress of my gender pressing my mental capabilities to problem solve any issue. So I fell back on my conditioned response and my self defensive and self destructive behaviors. I did this by concluding something about this woman based on no evidence. I has pushed her to the other side of the fence with so many in society and I did not even know in the moment what I had done.
I ran into her at work and she said Rachel why didn’t you come talk to me? The answer is I never gave her a chance to talk and it turns out I was the one that was in the wrong. This woman has been nothing but kind and caring to me and gives me the most precious gift I could ask for , her time. However in the process I had reached out to another girlfriend and told her of my intentions and what I thought of this woman. Well in my small inner circle there are smart, intelligent and ethical women that do not ever enable me. Then This other girlfriend sends me an email telling me how god was working with me and many other things. Below is the quote from the bible she sent me which I will be forever eternally grateful. Both women could not be wrong but I was in the wrong in my actions and thoughts and god knows this and I have asked him for his forgiveness. This is a spiritual journey for me and I am glad so many good women are around me .
Romans 2 The Message (MSG)
God Is Kind, but Not Soft
Those people are on a dark spiral downward. But if you think that leaves you on the high ground where you can point your finger at others, think again. Every time you criticize someone, you condemn yourself. It takes one to know one. Judgmental criticism of others is a well-known way of escaping detection in your own crimes and misdemeanors. But God isn’t so easily diverted. He sees right through all such smoke screens and holds you to what you’ve done.
You didn’t think, did you, that just by pointing your finger at others you would distract God from seeing all your misdoings and from coming down on you hard? Or did you think that because he’s such a nice God, he’d let you off the hook? Better think this one through from the beginning. God is kind, but he’s not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.
I had pointed my finger at my friend and taken the higher ground. I am the one that has said for every finger you point you have two pointing back to you. This time it was me pointing a finger that had nothing to do with the woman but everything to do with me.
I know what it takes out of a person that goes after a company that has wronged someone even when they are justified. I worked for a company where the owner did not pay the employees I recruited. When I could not take it any longer I went after him with the fiery of a woman scorned. I did not let up for about one year. I worked with US Senator office, IRS agents, and other federal agents in an attempt to make this guy pay for using me to recruit people and then not pay them what they earned. In the process I nearly mentally broke because the emotional stress and taking on so much by myself was too much for me mentally. This was all before hormones and I cannot imagine how that would play out today, much worse I am sure.( the fiery of the woman scorned could have been my need for surgery but it was all masked…. I am sure this is how deep my pain goes)
Also at the conclusion of many investigations my former employer even though he was stealing from the government he was stealing enough to prosecute him. He is still in business and it is business as usual in US government contracting in the USA. I took a stand for myself and that was so important in my life and this is the whole point I started to heal long before I took one estrogen pill.
I also learned the emotional toll was not worth it and I should have just walked away but I am glad I fought that fight but was it for the right reasons? I am sure you can tell I am still emotional about that situation and should I have fought or no walked away? Ethical and morally I had no choice any more than I have in speaking out now in the public. I saw a greater responsibility than myself which has helped me in my life today.
I learned valuable lessons in my life but never before let people close ,never. Well I knew I wanted to live my life to the fullest so I let a few women in very close. I am glad I did because I am starting to heal but the pain in me is overwhelming and old habits come back quickly when I am stressed in the least way at times like last week.
Lastly prospective, I was talking to a transgender woman and her prospective is that if you have an equally attractive woman standing next to an equally attractive transgender woman the transgender woman would be discriminated against. I ask the tough question and I ask her why? She said that is just the way it is . I don’t believe that for a second given my experiences with women and men in public. We , transgender women and women , are equally harassed and discriminated against. This is a gender issue not a trans only issue. The dilemma is how much more is a trans woman discriminated against than a woman…. I think it is far less than other think much far less.
But this attitude does one thing, isolates the transgender woman from others and women. The isolation is what kills the soul and making that blanket statement that the trans community is discriminated more than a woman to me is the very thing I detest and loathe. In the conversation I said nothing because I have learned to pick my battles with people that have a mindset that the world is against them.
I learn so much every day and if I was in isolation my experience on hormones would be drastically different . When I cry, which is a lot, that means I am alive and I will take that every time over isolation and the safety of my apartment. The risk is proportional to the risk so far I am healing but make no doubt the women in my life are the true difference along with god.
It is very apparent that I am also doing more self destructive behaviors with money and food because if I start to save then I would have to confront my deeper demon sexual reassignment surgery. I am scared to death to take on this demon and I am trying to figure a way to move beyond food and save money for surgery. I know how resourceful I am and I am sure I could figure a way to have surgery done by 2015 but instead I am running and pushing away from myself and success. As ziglar would say I am afraid of success and believe I am worth it.
I hope you all have a great day,
Thank you for allowing me share my story and help me heal
Rachel
If you like to get to know me better here is my face book id Rachel.candie.reid
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
rachel and the transgender agenda exposed..... enough of being a nice girl... unedited email to a friend
my experience has been great with women and to attack my cysgender friends is criminal based solely on their gender. the unilateral statement that the cysgender and the general public do not understand the trans community i find is discriminatory. the very discrimination that some members of the trans community detest and loathe is projected upon others is wrong by society standards and god's .
to say i am upset and hurt is understatement tonight.
below is an email to a friend ....
hi,
i am not sure why i keep trying to fit in a subculture i seem to have nearly nothing in common with but i do for some reason. i think i know that there are many of me and we have no voice. the fact that one trans woman said my opinion mattered which is sufficient tonight .
Every time I join in a discussion in a trans group it enviably eventually goes back the the cysgender issue . tonight I was talking in a group and apparently i ran into another marine who is president of some trans group in a college back east. The conversation was spirited at first but then turned south very quickly when i put my two sense in the thread.
i said what is needed is conversations which heal the soul. my journey has been mental and not physically and two people agreed however the marine did not agree with me at all. she said are you saying we should just sit down and talk to them , the cysgender's, I said absolutely . her immediate response was to name her credentials and all that she has done for the community etc etc. so i pulled out my credentials and said big deal.... we need to talk because once all the laws are in place we will be on the same side of the fence. you should ask the African Americaan community how law and etc has worked out. what is needed is conversations so we know each other as human being. Shortly after that I said I identified as a woman and she said, " well then you should get on the other side of the fence with them."
i pretended like that did hurt me but it cut me like a knife ripping my heart out. she further explained that her prospective is this is a " war" with ground troops, air and sea soldiers. i was persistent but know the real pain is the isolation in the community and i clearly pointed this out. neither one of us backed off then I said i ruffled feathers in the marines..... and i have done that here. she could not do anything but belittle my grammar and i said that does not take away from the message.
also in the conversation another trans woman stated she has no feeling of obligation after her transition. i said it is my prospective that i have an obligation to reduce the suicides and help others heal so they do not suffer like i have on hormones. none of this even hit one chord with either one of them.
i cried and cried..... again i dare say what others cannot but i am treated like a traitor. i knew when i spoke at the regional conference what i was doing and i would not ever take one word back at that speech nor anything i have said . i have spoken the truth and the war so many are fighting is one that the enemy really is within themselves. but by the time they realize it may be too late but there are so many that distance themselves from the community because of people and the agenda of people like the woman tonight.
i cried but the real sadness is because of this means one less person will be wiling to speak out in the community and i have major issues with that. this really drives me to reach the ones that feel they have no voice and help each other heal.
thank you
rachel
ps glad i have friends who care about me and i never became so angry that i did not see the light but god put me in a place for others to help me . i am crying because i know how lucky i am to be in god's hands now. i just am deeply people lash out at me for no reason but because i voice a different opinion ... makes me cry ...... at least that means i am alive .
I also feel like i have the trans political actions groups to my left the hard liners to my right and so many in the middle who will not be seen with me or other like me in public because of fear. this fear ; ziglar false evidence appearing real... drives so many out of hormones.... i heard of one such story today by an of the va community... she could not take the public humiliation by others and stopped hormones.... i am fighting for the ones that don't have the support or drive i do ....
to say i am upset and hurt is understatement tonight.
below is an email to a friend ....
hi,
i am not sure why i keep trying to fit in a subculture i seem to have nearly nothing in common with but i do for some reason. i think i know that there are many of me and we have no voice. the fact that one trans woman said my opinion mattered which is sufficient tonight .
Every time I join in a discussion in a trans group it enviably eventually goes back the the cysgender issue . tonight I was talking in a group and apparently i ran into another marine who is president of some trans group in a college back east. The conversation was spirited at first but then turned south very quickly when i put my two sense in the thread.
i said what is needed is conversations which heal the soul. my journey has been mental and not physically and two people agreed however the marine did not agree with me at all. she said are you saying we should just sit down and talk to them , the cysgender's, I said absolutely . her immediate response was to name her credentials and all that she has done for the community etc etc. so i pulled out my credentials and said big deal.... we need to talk because once all the laws are in place we will be on the same side of the fence. you should ask the African Americaan community how law and etc has worked out. what is needed is conversations so we know each other as human being. Shortly after that I said I identified as a woman and she said, " well then you should get on the other side of the fence with them."
i pretended like that did hurt me but it cut me like a knife ripping my heart out. she further explained that her prospective is this is a " war" with ground troops, air and sea soldiers. i was persistent but know the real pain is the isolation in the community and i clearly pointed this out. neither one of us backed off then I said i ruffled feathers in the marines..... and i have done that here. she could not do anything but belittle my grammar and i said that does not take away from the message.
also in the conversation another trans woman stated she has no feeling of obligation after her transition. i said it is my prospective that i have an obligation to reduce the suicides and help others heal so they do not suffer like i have on hormones. none of this even hit one chord with either one of them.
i cried and cried..... again i dare say what others cannot but i am treated like a traitor. i knew when i spoke at the regional conference what i was doing and i would not ever take one word back at that speech nor anything i have said . i have spoken the truth and the war so many are fighting is one that the enemy really is within themselves. but by the time they realize it may be too late but there are so many that distance themselves from the community because of people and the agenda of people like the woman tonight.
i cried but the real sadness is because of this means one less person will be wiling to speak out in the community and i have major issues with that. this really drives me to reach the ones that feel they have no voice and help each other heal.
thank you
rachel
ps glad i have friends who care about me and i never became so angry that i did not see the light but god put me in a place for others to help me . i am crying because i know how lucky i am to be in god's hands now. i just am deeply people lash out at me for no reason but because i voice a different opinion ... makes me cry ...... at least that means i am alive .
I also feel like i have the trans political actions groups to my left the hard liners to my right and so many in the middle who will not be seen with me or other like me in public because of fear. this fear ; ziglar false evidence appearing real... drives so many out of hormones.... i heard of one such story today by an of the va community... she could not take the public humiliation by others and stopped hormones.... i am fighting for the ones that don't have the support or drive i do ....
Monday, December 2, 2013
rachel on masturbation and why I cannot any longer ? the real pain in me
Hi,
I have been putting off talking about the serious topic of how my urges to masturbate have diminished ? Or have they?
That was a leading statement because I have read so much documentation that estrogen can reduce or increase the sex drive. In all honesty I am beginning to doubt so many of the papers written on the topics of estrogen and the transgender person. I wish people would have said “ you are an experiment and hormones may kill you, heal you or …. Here is a thought…. We don’t know what it will do to you.”
What we have is a study here and study there and almost an entire subculture isolating to the point that it has compounded the risk of taking estrogen at any age. Let me clearly point my finger at the transgender community and the lies, half truths and total silence has contributed to the suicides and death toll on this side of the fence. Please those in the community step forward and help the community by talking as my mother would say, “open your mouth Donald.” The problem as she would tell you is that once I open my mouth it never shuts up. (as a sales manager at Kirby once told me for every finger you point you have two pointed at you)
Now that I have said the easy stuff let me open my mouth and tell you about my thoughts on masturbation and why almost I never do it anymore. ( not easy but a necessary conversation) I woke up for years and years with an erection like most males most of the time. However I hid a demon no one in my family knew about or dare ask me about and that is my gender. So fast forward to 2012 when I started taking estrogen and , from my prospective , the lies stopped almost immediately. Why? I have no idea to be honest.
By month two I was crying on my bed uncontrollably because that thing , a penis , did not belong between my legs. I had lived a lie upon lie and tried to deny who I was for nearly ½ century. What it gained me was nearly at one point 347 lbs while averaging 300 plus in any given year. I had lost my identity and my soul with it until 2012 when I started hormone treatment.
So every morning , unless I am stressing about something overwhelming which is rare, I wake up crying and why. My hormones are raging in the morning and I put my hand between my legs to masturbate and close my legs to stop my fingers because I realize I don’t have a vagina. My brain thinks one is there but consciously I have to stop myself because I know one does not exist yet. The mental anguish is beyond anything I have every read or dreamed of in my life. Hormones is the drug that gives me life and is the kiss of death all in one dose.
I can caress my body like any other woman in the shower or bed then become aroused but then I have the urge to play with myself and …. I cannot. I also think there is a distinct reason that I enjoyed learning how to make a woman organism with my fingers. I think subconsciously I was learning how I would pleasure myself when I have a vagina. Now I even mentally imagine using my index and middle finger to pleasure my vagina that does not exist. Make no doubt I have not lost my mind and I do know that I have no vagina but as the hormones rewire my brain more and more every day the urge to pleasure myself becomes more intense .(what makes this so surreal is the hand dominance which has changed to left handed since taking estrogen)
How do I cope. I cry and cry often in the bed, shower, train, bus, public or at work in my cubicle. It is a hell no human being can imagine unless you are in my shoes. But I cannot imagine what it is like to have cancer and have no possibility of surgery. I do think that talking about it relieves some of the , enough, pain to live through the next day and heal a little more. I also use food as a coping mechanism which is destroying me. I think at this time if I was honest with myself ziglar would say I am fearful of success of by overeating I am ensuring I cannot have surgery. I think it is a reasonable possibility because of everything I fear. now there is nothing I fear than confronting the day of surgery and what it feels like because again no one is talking about the real experience of sexual reassignment surgery.
I am fucken scared and not that I might die that I have made peace with but what makes me so scared is the unknown. We all have heard doctors and others talk about surgeries and what they experienced but with sexual reassignment what does anyone know? Question? Considering that fact that Thailand alone has done 10k surgeries why is no one opening talking about their experience. In this country women have the surgery and post on the doctor’s webpage with their initials but no testimonials with picture or videos. I think it is because so many want to forget the past . I want to embrace my past to heal and I know that is the most important ingredient of healing myself.
I have heard from several that have had surgery and one said, “ it is not that bad.” excuse me ? They rewire your entire sex organ and pack it in ice for an entire day and you cannot travel for up to three weeks. It is not that bad? Another said , “ it was free.” yet another I met in person taught me that being mentally sane is more important that the surgery. The woman I met had issues well beyond gender so much so I could only talk to her for 20 minutes.
A good friend of mine told me long ago that the beginning of mental illness is seeing only one prospective and the prospective that this is just another surgery and all will be ok once I have the surgery is irrational. She also told me that I am the voice of reason and it is rational to be scared and if I was not scared there would be a cause for concern. What concerns me more than anything is what to expect after the surgery should I have little or no complications from the physical surgery. What are the mental health implications beyond surgery?
My prospective is that I was in shock once I saw my hair fall off my back in less than six months. One day I looked and it was just gone. Then I saw the changes in my face and complex of my skin and I literally cried because the changes happened so fast. Now imagine if that scares me how would my mind be able to handle a different sex organ between my legs after 50 yrs. This is not a small change in life but one that could mentally break me? I don’t know because no one talks about the tough topic of mental health in the transgender community.
Who do I draw my information from ? Women. Women talk about hormones opening and honestly. They laugh with me and say I know you understand about mood swings etc Rachel. The issue with me is not the mood swings but the mood swings combined with memories of the past, what could have been, how to piece the puzzle together in a complex high stress world. All of this is a recipe for disaster and hormones could not only kill you but you could end the pain via suicide.
How often do I think of suicide? It depends on any given stressful situation . Often it happens when I am seriously stressed at work or my personal life in adapting to my new environment as a woman. Add sexual harassment by men and all the discrimination other women experience and I promise you one day in my shoes any man would be begging for mercy on his knees.
As I have said before I did not pick it , it picked me. I wish every morning I was just another woman with vagina since birth but I am not and I cannot change that as hard as I or want to at times. There is no escape of this disease and the best , not perfect , solution is sexual reassignment surgery.
I want and need to know what it is like to feel like a woman sexually. I am truly am trapped in between two world’s and I could not fight this disease by myself. Many would tell you that I am very independent and in the past I prefer to do things on my own and I will not need your help. But with this disease if I had not had help I , in my heart , know I would be dead or would have tried suicide multiple times.
Finally, in all honesty there are no words to describe what it is like not to be able to pleasure yourself when your hormones are raging like a teenager. It is a hell beyond anything I ever imagined in my life . I pray to god that I am able to pull things together and lose the weight necessary, raise the monies for surgery , continue hormone treatment while living a good life in a stressful world. I need help and the women in my life are more important that ever before . I truly believe it is possible that the mental challenges beyond surgery are greater than they are now?
When I think of surgery when I am in the bathroom at work and think of a surgeon slicing my penis on one side to make a vagina … it scares me …. Make me cry .. Tears of joy but mostly scared.
Thank you for allowing me to share part of my life with you
God bless
rachel
I have been putting off talking about the serious topic of how my urges to masturbate have diminished ? Or have they?
That was a leading statement because I have read so much documentation that estrogen can reduce or increase the sex drive. In all honesty I am beginning to doubt so many of the papers written on the topics of estrogen and the transgender person. I wish people would have said “ you are an experiment and hormones may kill you, heal you or …. Here is a thought…. We don’t know what it will do to you.”
What we have is a study here and study there and almost an entire subculture isolating to the point that it has compounded the risk of taking estrogen at any age. Let me clearly point my finger at the transgender community and the lies, half truths and total silence has contributed to the suicides and death toll on this side of the fence. Please those in the community step forward and help the community by talking as my mother would say, “open your mouth Donald.” The problem as she would tell you is that once I open my mouth it never shuts up. (as a sales manager at Kirby once told me for every finger you point you have two pointed at you)
Now that I have said the easy stuff let me open my mouth and tell you about my thoughts on masturbation and why almost I never do it anymore. ( not easy but a necessary conversation) I woke up for years and years with an erection like most males most of the time. However I hid a demon no one in my family knew about or dare ask me about and that is my gender. So fast forward to 2012 when I started taking estrogen and , from my prospective , the lies stopped almost immediately. Why? I have no idea to be honest.
By month two I was crying on my bed uncontrollably because that thing , a penis , did not belong between my legs. I had lived a lie upon lie and tried to deny who I was for nearly ½ century. What it gained me was nearly at one point 347 lbs while averaging 300 plus in any given year. I had lost my identity and my soul with it until 2012 when I started hormone treatment.
So every morning , unless I am stressing about something overwhelming which is rare, I wake up crying and why. My hormones are raging in the morning and I put my hand between my legs to masturbate and close my legs to stop my fingers because I realize I don’t have a vagina. My brain thinks one is there but consciously I have to stop myself because I know one does not exist yet. The mental anguish is beyond anything I have every read or dreamed of in my life. Hormones is the drug that gives me life and is the kiss of death all in one dose.
I can caress my body like any other woman in the shower or bed then become aroused but then I have the urge to play with myself and …. I cannot. I also think there is a distinct reason that I enjoyed learning how to make a woman organism with my fingers. I think subconsciously I was learning how I would pleasure myself when I have a vagina. Now I even mentally imagine using my index and middle finger to pleasure my vagina that does not exist. Make no doubt I have not lost my mind and I do know that I have no vagina but as the hormones rewire my brain more and more every day the urge to pleasure myself becomes more intense .(what makes this so surreal is the hand dominance which has changed to left handed since taking estrogen)
How do I cope. I cry and cry often in the bed, shower, train, bus, public or at work in my cubicle. It is a hell no human being can imagine unless you are in my shoes. But I cannot imagine what it is like to have cancer and have no possibility of surgery. I do think that talking about it relieves some of the , enough, pain to live through the next day and heal a little more. I also use food as a coping mechanism which is destroying me. I think at this time if I was honest with myself ziglar would say I am fearful of success of by overeating I am ensuring I cannot have surgery. I think it is a reasonable possibility because of everything I fear. now there is nothing I fear than confronting the day of surgery and what it feels like because again no one is talking about the real experience of sexual reassignment surgery.
I am fucken scared and not that I might die that I have made peace with but what makes me so scared is the unknown. We all have heard doctors and others talk about surgeries and what they experienced but with sexual reassignment what does anyone know? Question? Considering that fact that Thailand alone has done 10k surgeries why is no one opening talking about their experience. In this country women have the surgery and post on the doctor’s webpage with their initials but no testimonials with picture or videos. I think it is because so many want to forget the past . I want to embrace my past to heal and I know that is the most important ingredient of healing myself.
I have heard from several that have had surgery and one said, “ it is not that bad.” excuse me ? They rewire your entire sex organ and pack it in ice for an entire day and you cannot travel for up to three weeks. It is not that bad? Another said , “ it was free.” yet another I met in person taught me that being mentally sane is more important that the surgery. The woman I met had issues well beyond gender so much so I could only talk to her for 20 minutes.
A good friend of mine told me long ago that the beginning of mental illness is seeing only one prospective and the prospective that this is just another surgery and all will be ok once I have the surgery is irrational. She also told me that I am the voice of reason and it is rational to be scared and if I was not scared there would be a cause for concern. What concerns me more than anything is what to expect after the surgery should I have little or no complications from the physical surgery. What are the mental health implications beyond surgery?
My prospective is that I was in shock once I saw my hair fall off my back in less than six months. One day I looked and it was just gone. Then I saw the changes in my face and complex of my skin and I literally cried because the changes happened so fast. Now imagine if that scares me how would my mind be able to handle a different sex organ between my legs after 50 yrs. This is not a small change in life but one that could mentally break me? I don’t know because no one talks about the tough topic of mental health in the transgender community.
Who do I draw my information from ? Women. Women talk about hormones opening and honestly. They laugh with me and say I know you understand about mood swings etc Rachel. The issue with me is not the mood swings but the mood swings combined with memories of the past, what could have been, how to piece the puzzle together in a complex high stress world. All of this is a recipe for disaster and hormones could not only kill you but you could end the pain via suicide.
How often do I think of suicide? It depends on any given stressful situation . Often it happens when I am seriously stressed at work or my personal life in adapting to my new environment as a woman. Add sexual harassment by men and all the discrimination other women experience and I promise you one day in my shoes any man would be begging for mercy on his knees.
As I have said before I did not pick it , it picked me. I wish every morning I was just another woman with vagina since birth but I am not and I cannot change that as hard as I or want to at times. There is no escape of this disease and the best , not perfect , solution is sexual reassignment surgery.
I want and need to know what it is like to feel like a woman sexually. I am truly am trapped in between two world’s and I could not fight this disease by myself. Many would tell you that I am very independent and in the past I prefer to do things on my own and I will not need your help. But with this disease if I had not had help I , in my heart , know I would be dead or would have tried suicide multiple times.
Finally, in all honesty there are no words to describe what it is like not to be able to pleasure yourself when your hormones are raging like a teenager. It is a hell beyond anything I ever imagined in my life . I pray to god that I am able to pull things together and lose the weight necessary, raise the monies for surgery , continue hormone treatment while living a good life in a stressful world. I need help and the women in my life are more important that ever before . I truly believe it is possible that the mental challenges beyond surgery are greater than they are now?
When I think of surgery when I am in the bathroom at work and think of a surgeon slicing my penis on one side to make a vagina … it scares me …. Make me cry .. Tears of joy but mostly scared.
Thank you for allowing me to share part of my life with you
God bless
rachel
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