Hi again
I had , can I say this, an awesome weekend. I might have really started to pull out of depression after it seemed like there was little to no hope. I was very, very depressed on Saturday. I felt this pull to get out of my apartment. I was in a very deep, deep space. I can feel it when I grips me like depression does.
I thought first that I will just stay in my apartment. I had to rush of energy may be from god? Who knows? Then before I knew it I was getting ready to go to the mall which is very close to me. I thought at first I will not put on make up then I said ohh yeah I will doll myself up really good . It makes me feel so sexy and alive.
Then I headed to the train and waited for the train to come to take me to the mall. I felt this draw to talk to this woman waiting close to me at the train stop. Then I said hi but she did not say anything. I began to wonder why? Then I realized she could not talk. I don’t sign so I did not know what to do. So , if you know me you would understand, I pulled out my license and showed my name is Rachel. She responded by pulling out her license and showed me her name. we tried to talk but we could not communicate.
I was thinking how I feel sorry for myself because of my gender and I cannot have surgery. And here is a woman that cannot communicate and on probability will not be able to speak to others unless they can sign. Thus my life is manageable with a solution for my gender with a viable solution with surgery. I cannot understand her frustration when she cannot talk and communicate with others. This is prospective.
Then I get on the max and we are looking at each other and just wanting to talk to each other but it is not possible. Then arm reach away is another woman that is in a wheel chair who is using a stick to push a electric button on her wheel chair so she can move. I was in awe of the two events that happened back to back on Saturday. I feel so helpless and sad that both women have the difficulties in their lives which I don’t have nor have experienced . However, when my arthritis hit me in 1997 I could not walk without crutches so I know from that prospective what walking is a gift and not a right.
I then go to target department store and decide to drop by the magazine rack to look for the latest issue of Psychology today. I have it in my hand then I see the book Unbreakable , my story my way. I have not started to read the book yet however I read the one part . Omg she is so me. She speaks of how someone would try to tell her to do something and she cross her arms. That is so …..Rachel.
I then go to the cell phone area of the store to just browse when I start to talk to an employee. Before long I am talking with him and we are talking about the cell providers and I am sharing my opinions of sales etc. I was born to be a sales woman so in the moment I realize I need to get out of my present job and go back into sales. It is in my blood. I am not wired for a minimium wage job where so little is expected . I have one high drive engine that needs to be challenged and when this happens my hormones kick into high drive. This increases the effectiveness of the drug , estradiol, makes my breast hurt like ouch then I get light headed. This seems to be bad but in reality I love it because I know then the estadiol is working it magic.
People would say there is not way this is your typical day? You would be wrong because I put myself out there I have had an awesome experience on hormones that is far different than any I have talked to so far. I did talk to a transgendered woman later Saturday and we have some things in common but not really I am wired so differently.
So while I was at target I picked up a basketball because I wanted to see if I am really left handed now? I am still trying to convince myself that I am not and I am really right handed because for nearly 50 years I did everything right handed. So I started to dribble the basketball on Saturday night and it was very awkward.
Then I started to shoot with my left hand and shocker again the basketball went in the net. I did it again and again I was hitting at closer range 70 percent which is good for me. I tried shooting with my right hand and found that I am not very good. So , again if you know me you would understand, I did a no look shoot over my left side and the basketball went in the net. So to prove to myself that was an accident I did it again and again it went into the net.
This drugs scares me because the fact is the person I was 2 yrs ago does not exist nor probably never did. To wake up one day and have all the physically changes, hormones, plus your hand dominance change it is overwhelming. There is nothing I can do nor do I want to go back but really add all of this with the possibility I might have had breast cancer last week and what state of mind would you be in?
This drug has pushed my ability to adapt and live my life while working. I wish someone would talk to the doctors before I started hormones. It seems I am alone in talking to the doctors and my experience are so unique that I wonder what if there are only one of me? Why could this be? I am on estradiol mixed with enbrel used for my arthritis. Enbrel is an animal protein that the scientist don’t know how it works but they know it is one of the best of the new class of drugs to effective stop arthritis damage in the bones.
I know I am lab rat and I am no more than a experiment. How have I made peace with all of this? The people at the Portland va care and the relationship that have been built have put my mind at ease that all that can be done is being done. Also before and after surgery I have the best team to support me in this radical surgery.
I am living a great life and challenged like never before in my life. I also am out to prove I can do this and this attitude and the bit of chip on my shoulder is the reason my journey is so, so different.
Thank you and god bless,
Rachel
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