Wednesday, September 18, 2013

how about a break god... blood in urine

I noticed I had a burning sensation after I urinated today but initially thought nothing of it.  wow I was wrong again . I have never seen blood in my urine. however I had night sweats two nights ago but I thought it was related to my arthritis. my arthritis produces nights like that when it flares up.  wow managing two major diseases at one time is a lot to ask of anyone.

I am very, very , very scared and all I can think is I will be taken off my hormones.  I have come so far in the past two years. how about a break god?

so much can go wrong on hormones and yet the community is so tight lipped about what it is really like on hormones. I will head to the portland va tomorrow and pray to god it is nothing too serious.

I have work to do at xerox as I try to leverage my skill sets to rewrite the company's presentation and as my mother would say, " I don't have time for a hospital, stay; I need to get back to work ." but i realize I need to take care of myself first and go from there.

I might come across as so tough and some of you think she is a marine.  I am so soft spoken and cry so easy and on demand at times.  i am strong but not tough like a marine but mentally tough a they come.  I have yet to yield but this gender identity disease has tested my resolve to become who I was born to be.

let me go now and cry and pray to god all will be ok tomorrow at the hospital

thank you

rachel

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

"rachel you are a feminist " shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

hi

I thought I would share a bit more about me .... once a therapist said ....omg rachel you are a feminist ....I said shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  I am so transparent.  you cannot put me in a box . I would never want someone to say  you are transsexual woman. I am a woman.....I have been battling for our team for decades. I was a supervisor in the marines and I gave a woman the best reviews based on performance at work. from the male prospective a man should have received the highest grade...... I did not know it at the time I was making a statement and when my lieutenant tried to reduce the woman's performance review written by me what did I do?

I went over the marine's lieutenant to the marine corps captain. after the meeting with the captain.... the review of her performance I had written was overturned by the captain to the reflect she was the best marine on our team.

keep in mind this happened in the culture of 1984......I guess I was not so quiet


yes i am a woman and a feminist.......

here is a view I love lol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2M6JUFCCSA&list=LLc8dChWdbSxWn7OKYGZoanw 

Monday, September 9, 2013

update on rachel and upcoming video

hi,

I finally have found the courage and will set up my webcam and will do a utube videos starting next weekend. my major problem is time. I want to share so much to help people which in turns accelerates my healing and the estrogen treatment. however I may not have enough time today to do my first video.

yesterday I realized that so much of my journey on hormones can not be  experienced by others  and that is because of my willingness to sell me and my  personal and professional life. so many on hormones do not have a true support system that is as diverse as mine. the men and women you will never see are my angels and in my darkest hours they hold me up and ensure I am protected from my own worst enemy, me.

I literally do not have any glbt friends. all of my friends are women with strong ethics and drive ; ohhh that is me too. none of my friends toe the party line of any subculture but have strong views and express them in very positive ways.  so many times people say to me , " rachel all the others, referring to transgenders, have gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered friends. I have only friends and all are very spiritual and ethical. this is the rachel difference.

also the rachel difference is that the rules of society don't apply to me and that is not a transgendered thing but it is my electric smile , passion and heart that draws people to me. it is my natural god given gift to speak from my heart to anyone on the street, literally, to the leaders of society. ohhh that right I see people as human  beings.

case and point and yes this is very typical in my life. when I was 16 I went in for a job interview at jc penny's for a "bus boy" position to wash dishes.  I walked into the interview and I instantly recognized the interviewer as my 7th grade student math teach. i said  nothing, then he said, " ... you are don reid" I said, " yes." that was the end of the interview and he simply said you will love it here..  he had known me a few years ago from my 7th grade math class because he had helped me numerous times with math..  this is where others would say this rarely happens but in my world this is a typical day.  i can connect with people and this is truly a gift from god very, very  few have.

I feel the need to help others and use my passion and belief in god for the good of humanity.  i am just me and I simply do my part. also as a friend told me , " if this was easy anyone could do it." I am scared to death of putting my personal life on video but I cannot stop nor do I want to stop something that was started in february 2012. the speech at the regional va conference pulled me out of the hell of isolation.

the key to this whole process on hormones is merging your past with the present. but to lead from the front and pull out the past which will possibly include my family and friends from years ago will take the strength that only god and my spiritual friends can help guide me through. this mission is not for the weak but that does not mean I will not cry and hurt in the process.

any of you that read my blog that believe in god simply pray for me as I undertake something so important to so many and heal my heart and soul in the process.

thank you and god bless

rachel

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

rachel's typical day ...... isolation not for me .... what do you think?

Hi again

I had , can I say this, an awesome weekend. I might have really started to pull out of depression after it seemed like there was little to no hope. I was very, very depressed on Saturday. I felt this pull to get out of my apartment. I was in a very deep, deep space. I can feel it when I grips me like depression does.

I thought first that I will just stay in my apartment. I had to rush of energy may be from god? Who knows? Then before I knew it I was getting ready to go to the mall which is very close to me. I thought at first I will not put on make up then I said ohh yeah I will doll myself up really good . It makes me feel so sexy and alive.

Then I headed to the train and waited for the train to come to take me to the mall. I felt this draw to talk to this woman waiting close to me at the train stop. Then I said hi but she did not say anything. I began to wonder why? Then I realized she could not talk. I don’t sign so I did not know what to do. So , if you know me you would understand, I pulled out my license and showed my name is Rachel. She responded by pulling out her license and showed me her name. we tried to talk but we could not communicate.

I was thinking how I feel sorry for myself because of my gender and I cannot have surgery. And here is a woman that cannot communicate and on probability will not be able to speak to others unless they can sign. Thus my life is manageable with a solution for my gender with a viable solution with surgery. I cannot understand her frustration when she cannot talk and communicate with others. This is prospective.

Then I get on the max and we are looking at each other and just wanting to talk to each other but it is not possible. Then arm reach away is another woman that is in a wheel chair who is using a stick to push a electric button on her wheel chair so she can move. I was in awe of the two events that happened back to back on Saturday. I feel so helpless and sad that both women have the difficulties in their lives which I don’t have nor have experienced . However, when my arthritis hit me in 1997 I could not walk without crutches so I know from that prospective what walking is a gift and not a right.



I then go to target department store and decide to drop by the magazine rack to look for the latest issue of Psychology today. I have it in my hand then I see the book Unbreakable , my story my way. I have not started to read the book yet however I read the one part . Omg she is so me. She speaks of how someone would try to tell her to do something and she cross her arms. That is so …..Rachel.

I then go to the cell phone area of the store to just browse when I start to talk to an employee. Before long I am talking with him and we are talking about the cell providers and I am sharing my opinions of sales etc. I was born to be a sales woman so in the moment I realize I need to get out of my present job and go back into sales. It is in my blood. I am not wired for a minimium wage job where so little is expected . I have one high drive engine that needs to be challenged and when this happens my hormones kick into high drive. This increases the effectiveness of the drug , estradiol, makes my breast hurt like ouch then I get light headed. This seems to be bad but in reality I love it because I know then the estadiol is working it magic.

People would say there is not way this is your typical day? You would be wrong because I put myself out there I have had an awesome experience on hormones that is far different than any I have talked to so far. I did talk to a transgendered woman later Saturday and we have some things in common but not really I am wired so differently.

So while I was at target I picked up a basketball because I wanted to see if I am really left handed now? I am still trying to convince myself that I am not and I am really right handed because for nearly 50 years I did everything right handed. So I started to dribble the basketball on Saturday night and it was very awkward.

Then I started to shoot with my left hand and shocker again the basketball went in the net. I did it again and again I was hitting at closer range 70 percent which is good for me. I tried shooting with my right hand and found that I am not very good. So , again if you know me you would understand, I did a no look shoot over my left side and the basketball went in the net. So to prove to myself that was an accident I did it again and again it went into the net.

This drugs scares me because the fact is the person I was 2 yrs ago does not exist nor probably never did. To wake up one day and have all the physically changes, hormones, plus your hand dominance change it is overwhelming. There is nothing I can do nor do I want to go back but really add all of this with the possibility I might have had breast cancer last week and what state of mind would you be in?

This drug has pushed my ability to adapt and live my life while working. I wish someone would talk to the doctors before I started hormones. It seems I am alone in talking to the doctors and my experience are so unique that I wonder what if there are only one of me? Why could this be? I am on estradiol mixed with enbrel used for my arthritis. Enbrel is an animal protein that the scientist don’t know how it works but they know it is one of the best of the new class of drugs to effective stop arthritis damage in the bones.

I know I am lab rat and I am no more than a experiment. How have I made peace with all of this? The people at the Portland va care and the relationship that have been built have put my mind at ease that all that can be done is being done. Also before and after surgery I have the best team to support me in this radical surgery.

I am living a great life and challenged like never before in my life. I also am out to prove I can do this and this attitude and the bit of chip on my shoulder is the reason my journey is so, so different.

Thank you and god bless,

Rachel

Monday, September 2, 2013

wow an article i read while researching the g spot

hi i was reading and researching the difference between the female g spot and mine after surgery. from what I read there will probably be very little difference. I also found this article that was so hurtful. I usually don't post things like this in my blog but omfg it cut me like a knife. if people would only talk articles like this would not exist and we would be a better society. but why?

( at the end of the article the dr says what one should do if they encounter a "transsexual")

thank you and god bless

rachel

http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/HowTo:Spot_A_Transsexual