email and my thoughts of where I am at now

I am learning that I am someone extremely special and a rare woman after talking to a guy at work . We had a talk and he says that other women like me don't want remembered that they ever were born as a male.  I think he is right.

I am proud of who I am and will not make excuses or apologizes of who I am or was and this is the profound difference in me. I also am on a spiritual mission to help others in my process of healing.  I think this why I hear so often "I never met anyone like you."



I have regrouped my thoughts and will schedule a consult with a sexual reassignment doctor in portland and gather more information.  I don't like it but my time table of surgery might have to be pushed out to 18 mos -2 yrs.  I just hope I can survive the journey. Getting the surgery too earlier in my healing process would be detrimental to my healing and could have disastrous results.

thank you for being a listening ear,

god bless

Rachel
ps have a great week

private email to a couple friends about srs surgery

 (this email was to two special friends who I have been with me doing my journey on estrogen and they both have made a profound difference in my life.........actually profound is not a strong enough word nor is there a word in the english language to describe my heart felt thanks for them. they have helped me make it through this hell that no one can imagine unless you have gone through it.  )

It take a community to get through this journey.



hi ,

I am at a loss for words at this point. I know that is hard to believe
. no laughing lol. but I have been researching surgery the last couple
of weeks. there is really no information on any surgeon's track record
on sexual reassignment surgeries completed nor what the satisfaction rate is
in either thailand or the usa.  What I have discovered is very
unnerving and scary to me.  I feel like I am in between a rock and
hard place with no options.

if my info is correct the surgery in the usa might be safer but the
outcomes are not recorded nor satisfaction of their customers.  No
where on the net does one site have testimonials of one good surgery
with the permission of anyone.  It does not exist.  The top surgeon is
probably dr . marci bowers and she claims to have done 2000 surgeries.
   She has included breast implants and anything do with with
transition to the female gender lumped in with sexual reassignment.
she has her supporters in blogs and detractors.

the former navy veteran who does the surgery in pa has about the same
track record  as dr. bowers but only has performed surgeries since
2008, not good.  Her experience is limited and one girl claims the dr
nicked her bladder doing the surgery.  Also, another girl claims her
followup care with this doctor was terminated after 3 mos without due
cause.

In thailand virtually the same situation exist where there are far
more doctors but no data on customer satisfaction are available for the reason of
privacy.  I have requested and been denied one reference because of
privacy.  All the doctors in thailand have their supporters and horror
stories.

I have found that the pioneers in this field in thailand have retired
or only do very limited surgery at this time.  So the students they
trained are now doing most of the surgeries.  The very cheapest start
at 6500 and go up to 18k.  The 18k is for the top doctor in thailand and does  limited surgery at this
time and was one of the pioneers in sexual reassignment in thailand.
so basically with travel cost and surgery I would be looking at 8-14k.
 There are two well known places one in pucket thailand and one in
bangkok which seem to be well respected both go about 12k plus travel
and etc(due to my last job I know pucket area well and the crime rate
and unsolved murders is unnerving  so there is a safety concern)

I also learned that either in the usa or thailand one would be
required to stay in the location for 2 weeks after surgery before
traveling via plane.  I believe the surgery is much more invasive then
I thought it was would be or may be it was only what i wanted to believe it
would encompass.  Also there are two basic types of sexual
reassignment one is called the penile inversion and another which , to
be blunt, gives the vagina more depth via a piece of the colon.

the  colon method would include more risk and has been known to
produce an unusual odor with some women after surgery.  I have no
desire for the colon method and would opt ,if i did, the penile
inversion method of sexual reassignment.

What is criminal is that some of the doctors are using the proverbial
carrot of promising multi organism on their websites.  I find this
very cruel since sometimes it is possible to lose all ability to
organism at all. ( the source of this info was on bbc news article I
saw a few yrs back) I think it is quite possible that the positive
outcomes of the surgery is over stated.

I went further with my research and looked at rio , brazil. They have
only done 250 sexual reassignment surgeries in the last 12 yrs.
according to one website in thailand they claim to have done nearly 5k
in the since the clinic opened.  but not one website has one woman
saying I had great surgery. nothing like this exist that I could find.

The best resource I have for reference may be my an acquaintance
l. she said her relative was going to thailand to get the surgery
after xmas.  she is reaching out to her to see who the surgeon was and
what the outcome was after the surgery.

This is insanity navigating this mine field with no accurate or
supportive data to base a decision to get the surgery or not and who
has the best the chance of making it a success.  it is my strongly
held belief that once I started to take the estrogen I put in to
action, without any thought , that my emotional need to have surgery
would be so strong.  There is no turning back but what to do ? i have
no idea and I feel so lost ... not a good place to be.......  I don't
think the doctors are aware of what they put in play once they rx
estrogen.  I think this would explain the cutting and suicide increase
despite being placed on hormones.  I virtually  had no thoughts of
suicide however in the last few months , although it last only short
time, it is often enough to get my attention. ( fyi my dr and
therapist are aware of this and in the loop every step of the way.)
this was never the case until about month ... 15....

I think the depression becomes worse because of the need for the
surgery increasing 10 fold.  I have never read anything like this in
any documentation.  many say well rachel that is your experience? i
say well who else is telling the real story. i think my real gift is I
refuse to sugarcoat nor hide it from my doctors or therapist.  I tell
my story as much as I can and this , in my opinion, is like doing
therapy up to several times a day, some days. This is exhaustive but
keeps me balanced and why i am able to look at the crisis situation that it is
  in a rational manner .

If I was giving an ultimatum it is now or never to get the surgery
done today? my response would be .... honestly I think I would
pass...... it would break my heart, like the last few weeks, but I
cannot say with any certainty outside there is 50/50 chance my surgery
would be a success.  I don't like those odds.

(removed a private situation about a teacher at pcc)

I don't know how others hold all this emotion in and... may be that it
in a nutshell they don't talk and they implode or explode .  sorry
that is not my way. I have not found another rachel nor has anyone
i have talked to in my travel... i hear this more often than
anything....
" i never  met anyone like you."

as usual thank you for listening to my story,

god bless

Rachel

The real story and my support for the VA healthcare system

http://www.onlineopinion.com.au/view.asp?article=12966

This article is 100 % true and I can tell you since I am transsexual woman and in the process of planning for sexual reassignment in February 2014.  I take issue with the transgendered community and this wall of silence to talk to no one aside our community.  I will not be party nor condone this kind of behavior because it leads to further depression and anxiety brought on my hormone replacement therapy.  That is right I am saying the hormone treatment causes more anxiety and depression if not confronted head on.  I am not an expert but can speak on my experience since I have been on hormone replace therapy for 17 mos now. 

I am in the fight of my life and many within the Va community are people who my strongest ally.  The dirty secret of the transgendered community is no one talks to anyone outside the community.  I broke ranks with this line of thinking when I spoke at the regional va conference last February.  Why? Because it was right thing to do and looking back it helped me cope with the death of my mother. I spoke from my heart on my experience on hormone replacement therapy.

 Last year I had the opportunity to speak to at least 150 doctors, staff, and other members of the VA community.  When I speak publicly it compels me to be at my very best and process what I am going through on hormones at an accelerated rate.  I healed 20 years in the last year because of my leadership position within the VA community and this is a fact.

This also is not a game because I am in the fight of my life.  Anyone that thinks otherwise is just kidding themselves.  The life as you have known it will not change forever and you may not know who is in the mirror.  One woman told me , “ Rachel it is not the fact that you changed but how fast you have changed.”

 Talking about his issue in my private life with other men and women is my gift which has enabled me to not only succeed but to speak about it in public.  Not talking about it would create so much depression and anxiety I can see where suicide would become an option.  The suicide rate within the transgender community is estimated to be between 30-50 percent and I will not be one.  I am one stubborn woman and as my mother said many times, “Donald you have thick head.”        

 Your darkest demons arise from your past and present because the hormones increase the length and width of axions in the brain.  This increase in size of the axion and the change to the gray matter of the brain rapidly increases your memory to the point there is nothing you can hide from no matter if it is in the distant or recent past. This information is backed by scientific research. 

To hold all the memories inside that come up on estrogen will result in one thing …. The worst depression of your life and you will feel like you have no options and no one cares and no one loves you.  You will ask yourself  “ what is there to live for?”  For me I have dozens of men and women pulling for me which makes a profound difference in my life. Your support system is the most critical part of this process which will last a life time.  This is my opinion and I also believe that one must understand that sexual reassignment surgery is part of a lifetime of personal growth. Not the final solution to a disease which has build up for decades in some cases. Let’s get real and stop pretending? Want to pretend you will lose I can assure of that.  The fight with this disease makes marine bootcamp seem like a weekend vacation. 

So many from Xerox, va health care system, and Portland community college and two very special friends have ensured that the path of suicide will not become an option for me.  Despite all the support I have I barely hang on by a thread some days.  I am challenged to the point I nearly break but I refuse to quit and push through that moment knowing there is a big light at the end of tunnel.  This is also part of the marine mentality.  We are as tough as they come and to stop us you will have to kills us.  This is called commitment and one must have 110 percent of this to survive the day.  Anything less will mean defeat and possibly worse.    

I can say without a doubt that since my support comes from only professional men and women in society my experience has been “profoundly “altered.  so much of support comes  from the VA community which includes some people in senior leadership positions.  The outreach from the Portland Va has been overwhelming and much needed in the most vulnerable time in my life. 

So much bad news press is in the public eye of what the Va has done wrong. I find it horrible that no one would print a good story of how they have treated me with the utmost respect and given me care above and beyond what the private sector would ever consider.  FYI one day I called the women’s clinic that I was not feeling well and the next day they called me to make sure I was doing better. Where do you find that in the private sector?

Let’s get really personal about my experience at the Portland Va and my primary care doctor.  This conversation happened two weeks ago.  I asked her since the Va is now required, per their new policy, to repair any sexual reassignment surgery complications what is the “emergency action plan if I have issues when I come back from Thailand?” I know that the vaginal wall can collapse??  The doctor responded and said the she felt confident that the gyno team at Portland would be able to repair a vaginal wall collapse.  We got even personal about the sexual reassignment surgery and she kept talking about the depth of the vagina.  I got the message but I was slightly irritated about the conversation since I am a lesbian and I don’t care how deep my vagina will be after the surgery.  So, if you know me you would understand,  I said, “ …. No penis is going in this vagina.”(while pointing to my crotch area)  To this remark we both laughed and the doctor said , “ ok ms reid.”

I count the Portland VA and leadership as a major ally against a disease that no one person could take on.  To become success in my journey and come out on the outside and be strong enough to talk about my experience on hormones and the sexual reassignment it is going to take a community.  It will take 100’s of men and women to ensure I make the right decision on the surgery and go through the procedure when I am prepared mentally.  This is the only holy grail that you must be mentally healed before the surgery not after the surgery.    

One transgendered before her surgery said , “ it is either surgery or suicide.”  She is so wrong and does not understand this is 99 percent mental and 1 percent physical.  Again my ability to think in the middle of crisis , accept help from others and trust their perceptive is so important.  As one friend said , who is a psychologist, told me one day that refusing to hear more than one perspective  is the beginning of mental illness.  I agree whole heartedly on this statement. 

(This mindset or therapy seems cold hearted but this disease is equally cold and unforgiving.  This journey is not for the weak who think I would like to try hormone therapy replacement and let’s see if it for me.  My advice is turn back now and once you are prepared to commit 100 percent to the process come back and start hormone therapy.)

So if you surround yourself with people of one mindset you have only one perspective.  As my mother would say, “ birds of feather flock together.”  This is very dangerous to do when you are considering sexual reassignment surgery.  You need to think outside the box because so little research is done on sexual reassignment and the transgendered community is very hush hush.  The only rational solution when it comes to designing a support group is to ensure it is a very diverse group.

My very life depends on my ability to listen to other people’s prospective and follow through on what is in my best interest. This is the only way I will be successful in my journey and surgery.  Then I will be able to speak in public of how I accomplished something that no one else seems to be willing to talk about in public.

Question:  Out of the 10,000 sexual reassignment surgeries performed why does not one transsexual talk about that the journey in public?  The real truth not the sugarcoated bs everyone hears online. 

I have been depressed in the past but due to the depth a of my support network it only last a few minutes at the most.   I am the so blessed to have so many that care so much about me.  Even when it was not politically correct to stand by my side those very women have been my rock.  These women are the main reason I have survived the horror of this awful disease, gender identity disorder.  The other side of the equation is my refusal to quit.  I also welcome the additional pressure to be a success case and that drives my engine. I thrive in a time of crisis and I am at my best. Who knew? Not me. 

In my support group are women that have given me hope.  The phone conversations and emails contain the message you can do it and welcome to womanhood. 

“hang in there Rachel” 

 “ know that I think about you often”

“I admire you”

“it is an honor to work with you”