how i feel at times.... video with words by pat benetar

 with all the deaths of transgendered women every year, my experience as I have been followed home, knife pulled on me, etc. this is hell for me and there is no escape and surgery is for me. it will not change people want me dead even as my voice reverts back to a more fem from my teen yrs once some people know i was born with a penis they would want me dead. 

at the depth of my pain this is how i feel ... hell on earth


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KkTnreoAUc&index=37&list=LLc8dChWdbSxWn7OKYGZoanw

the reality of the pain and the bible and my feminist views

 more reality of the pain .... and my thoughts on the Bible

the pain of why i have not dated a girl in HS and College is very apparent now.  i am not right b/c i need surgery and when i eat the slightest spicy food it makes my hormones surge. then i think of a woman then i get that thing .. and then i want to cut it while on the train or wherever.

omg i woke up last week two days, once at 3 am and today at 5 am, and what happens to men started to happen to me as i woke up. no meds in the world can fix me but surgery. my hormones might be determining my dreams and my Sex  drive is worse by the day.  i cannot control my thoughts in the middle of the night and my breast pain is so much worse which means my hormones are surging and i need @.

i had thoughts of cutting and the other night it was so bad that i just laid in bed and used all my mental concentration to just stay in bed so i would not even touch a knife. i know with a large degree of certainty that if i cut there will be a lot of blood, possible delay or stop my chance of surgery and who knows whatever else. it is not like i could hide it any better than in my teens.

the fact is i used to cry in my bathroom tub and my mother caught me often. i refused to tell her why i was crying too. i told my grandmother!! also  once i told my mom, " you know who and what i am and no one can fix me." she looked , while we were alone, at me with sad eyes. i never did hide who i was from birth because i am not wired to do so.

but other times she would mock and make fun of me after i cried then other times, as i read the bible today i remembered, " we were just joking." as tears were coming down my face i would say no you were not! ( this was in reference to my mother saying to me you know we were joking as i cried and cried!!)

my parents beat me with slaps to the face to chance my voice!  as i talked to my friend last week  she said, " you would have never made it out of the marines" in response to my soft voice. there was no training necessary to soften my voice that was natural soft  because it is the real me and i really want to sing.   when i tried to sing a higher key then my mother was comfortable which is  a feminine one i was made to sing lower. all of this is not b/c of hormones but it happened in my childhood and teen years. society and my family tried to destroy what god created but 50 yrs later i am on my final push to have surgery and recognition in society!!

one last thing my breast development started in my teens b/c my family would make me, my mother, wear 2 t shirts , to cover my breast. one time i said i will just stay home and my mother said fine!!  then other times i would wear one of my father's shirts to hide my nipples that were protruding. my mother said it was because i was basically fat, i was 5'6" 170 lbs.  no way it could be estrogen in my teens and also since i have started progesterone, oil pills made from plants, my anxiety has nearly disappeared. ( there is no way my family would have allowed me to become rachel and go on hormones!!) 

the truth is i am barely holding on to all of this now!! Love my PCP at Portland VA but her comment srs probably will benefit you is an understatement. i need it now !! the doctor, like myself and others, are having a hard time understanding why i cannot access srs through conventional means in the states. in the VA srs is prohibited per title 38.

in my present mental condition i will pack up and go once i hit only 5k . forget the tummy tuck and rent. i will just pack up and put stuff in storage and figure out after the fact. not smart but if people could see me crying in the morning as I  exercise where I  stop and  i cry while i am curled up in a  ball.  people would understand this is medically necessarily and once i started on HRT there should have been a plan or some access to srs. 

this is not a good place to be....

also some people think it is morally justified to say , " I support you but I do not approve" which is based upon a rigid religious prospective! the fact is no where in the Bible does it reference anything about me. further more in the Bible " a man cannot lay with a man" does not mean the literally meaning. the context in which it was written was in a time when a man that bathed with a man could die from disease. plus there is no reference or inference in the Bible that says a woman cannot lay with a woman. lastly, where does it reference the definition of a male and woman? the position that i support you but do not approve of your decision is likened to I tolerate your existence but morally you are sinning against god. God made us all and only mankind can create such an environment where people, like myself and so many others which transcends the GLBT community IE women's role in society, can believe it is a sin to be you.

The fact is not so long ago in this country women did not have the right to work, vote, or drive a car and in many countries this still exist in the name of god. this is not in the name of god but the men twist god's words to fit the goals of the people interpreting god's books.  the real reason that so many do not want women to have rights is the power that men had once over us has dissipated but still women only make $.88 of what a man with comparable skills has in the United States. 

The rights of women and the GLBT community has nothing to do with God but others have twisted the books of god to fit the goals of the people who seek money and power!! however in their quest for power and money the end result is lives of people and their families are destroyed.  

the biggest part of this that offends me is that people do not have the courage and character to take a stand when they know it is wrong not to embrace people as human being. yes if you, by design, purposely do not invite your friends who happen to be women or members of the GLBT to a family event or an evening out because we might offend your friends you are the ones that have committed a sin against god.

thank you to all of your unconditional love

rachel

my pet peeve is people playing the " trans" card , makes me sick

here is a discussion from FB and the stance of some in the trans community , one community and one voice. they do not represent me at at any level. I have deleted the name but the content is a copy and paste. 

• rachel Reid:  how about we don't like any human being go homeless and help each other no matter there gender or sexual orientation or race or etc (topic was helping homeless trans people)

  
  
• Jane: Rachel. Let's not get off this topic.I am Speaking about the transgender family only!
• Jane: This is very serious and not to be taken lightly I've seen to many transgender family in our community are divided and not united this has to stop!!!

  
  
• 

  Rachel Reid i see people as human being ...... your prospective seems to say that homeless is more important to society if someone is transgender... i have seen too much of reverse discrimination where the transgender's think something happened because i am " trans" .. i understand that things do happen based on being " trans" but to play the trans card is wrong. furthermore, the message is it is ok to discriminate against others just as long as it is not against the trans, or other minority subcultures. this is my pet peeve and my prospective. i have found that people help others no matter their ethic, gender or sexual orientation. i also have been ejected from Fb groups because of my hard stance on treating people as human beings and this one voice by the comm is to the liking of you are either with us or against us. in that case i am with my genetic friends who have been with me in my darkest hours.

  1 min · Like

back to work wow

hi

i just found out I have landed a job in my field of sales on the phone where I can work from home after some training. the three interviews were very intense and I brought my best to the table.  now I am positioning myself for the run at surgery next year. I will be intensely saving for surgery and by this time next year there will be a vagina between my legs.

however I can tell you oil based Progesterone made from plants boasted my level of hell on estrogen. it somewhat leveled out my estrogen and now I can focus more but at the initial stages, first 2 weeks, I went through thoughts of suicide like never before as I laughed hysterically at the thought of walking in front of a train and overdosing on progesterone. this drug is no laughing matter and thank the Lord God that I can handle intense crisis situation and I knew walking in front of train was no laughing matter.

this drug in the wrong hands could end one's life!!! be very careful taking Progesterone because it is my understanding that the Drug store variety can cause cancer because it is made from horse urine. however the Plant based type Progesterone is very powerful since there are no fillers if you have a compound pharmacy make it since it is done by hand and one pill at a time. this drug hit me so hard just after 8 short hours. i was told it would take one week to get into my body but just like estrogen it hit me the next day.

i am in serious trouble now if i do not plan for surgery. i am in a hell that no one can imagine but the people around and god will guide me 

progestrone was pulling me to pieces the last week

i will blog later as i am back on track after one week

thank you

rachel

new updated funding raising site; please look; give you can

hi

i am trying to raise the monies necessary to have my surgery completed in Thailand and the Doctor has agreed to video tape the surgery. i am trying to created , with a lot of my friends, a real experience from beginning to end of what is involved in srs.

the misconceptions of what surgery... let's face ... no one has been transparent about the process. to say the surgery was not painful when you are packed with ice for three days and the risk is from organ failure, vagina wall collapse to death. this agreeably the most radically surgery done to a human being. the fact now is it is a medically necessary procedure that is needed asap.

the fact is , i am like so many others that do not talk, I cry every morning when i wake up, when i shower, on the way to work etc. i cry and cry b/c the mismatch between my brain and crotch is well beyond manageable.

i am in the fight of my life and I am trying to share my story to help others and I will upload the surgery after surgery.

help if you can and if you cannot please share my story with other. below is a link to my fund raising site.

thank you

rachel

http://www.gofundme.com/SRS-forRachel

this post and caption is so me .. thank you grandma for giving me a chance in this world

my grandmother keep all my secrets and although my mother and aunt tried to have me put in an institution just for being me. i was brave enough to tell my family i was a woman in 1967 and my grandmother protected me from being institutionalized then in defiance with me help me with my make up and help me put on my first dress.

i also refused to go to the prom b/c i could not wear a dress. this caption is so me