the reality of the pain and the bible and my feminist views

 more reality of the pain .... and my thoughts on the Bible

the pain of why i have not dated a girl in HS and College is very apparent now.  i am not right b/c i need surgery and when i eat the slightest spicy food it makes my hormones surge. then i think of a woman then i get that thing .. and then i want to cut it while on the train or wherever.

omg i woke up last week two days, once at 3 am and today at 5 am, and what happens to men started to happen to me as i woke up. no meds in the world can fix me but surgery. my hormones might be determining my dreams and my Sex  drive is worse by the day.  i cannot control my thoughts in the middle of the night and my breast pain is so much worse which means my hormones are surging and i need @.

i had thoughts of cutting and the other night it was so bad that i just laid in bed and used all my mental concentration to just stay in bed so i would not even touch a knife. i know with a large degree of certainty that if i cut there will be a lot of blood, possible delay or stop my chance of surgery and who knows whatever else. it is not like i could hide it any better than in my teens.

the fact is i used to cry in my bathroom tub and my mother caught me often. i refused to tell her why i was crying too. i told my grandmother!! also  once i told my mom, " you know who and what i am and no one can fix me." she looked , while we were alone, at me with sad eyes. i never did hide who i was from birth because i am not wired to do so.

but other times she would mock and make fun of me after i cried then other times, as i read the bible today i remembered, " we were just joking." as tears were coming down my face i would say no you were not! ( this was in reference to my mother saying to me you know we were joking as i cried and cried!!)

my parents beat me with slaps to the face to chance my voice!  as i talked to my friend last week  she said, " you would have never made it out of the marines" in response to my soft voice. there was no training necessary to soften my voice that was natural soft  because it is the real me and i really want to sing.   when i tried to sing a higher key then my mother was comfortable which is  a feminine one i was made to sing lower. all of this is not b/c of hormones but it happened in my childhood and teen years. society and my family tried to destroy what god created but 50 yrs later i am on my final push to have surgery and recognition in society!!

one last thing my breast development started in my teens b/c my family would make me, my mother, wear 2 t shirts , to cover my breast. one time i said i will just stay home and my mother said fine!!  then other times i would wear one of my father's shirts to hide my nipples that were protruding. my mother said it was because i was basically fat, i was 5'6" 170 lbs.  no way it could be estrogen in my teens and also since i have started progesterone, oil pills made from plants, my anxiety has nearly disappeared. ( there is no way my family would have allowed me to become rachel and go on hormones!!) 

the truth is i am barely holding on to all of this now!! Love my PCP at Portland VA but her comment srs probably will benefit you is an understatement. i need it now !! the doctor, like myself and others, are having a hard time understanding why i cannot access srs through conventional means in the states. in the VA srs is prohibited per title 38.

in my present mental condition i will pack up and go once i hit only 5k . forget the tummy tuck and rent. i will just pack up and put stuff in storage and figure out after the fact. not smart but if people could see me crying in the morning as I  exercise where I  stop and  i cry while i am curled up in a  ball.  people would understand this is medically necessarily and once i started on HRT there should have been a plan or some access to srs. 

this is not a good place to be....

also some people think it is morally justified to say , " I support you but I do not approve" which is based upon a rigid religious prospective! the fact is no where in the Bible does it reference anything about me. further more in the Bible " a man cannot lay with a man" does not mean the literally meaning. the context in which it was written was in a time when a man that bathed with a man could die from disease. plus there is no reference or inference in the Bible that says a woman cannot lay with a woman. lastly, where does it reference the definition of a male and woman? the position that i support you but do not approve of your decision is likened to I tolerate your existence but morally you are sinning against god. God made us all and only mankind can create such an environment where people, like myself and so many others which transcends the GLBT community IE women's role in society, can believe it is a sin to be you.

The fact is not so long ago in this country women did not have the right to work, vote, or drive a car and in many countries this still exist in the name of god. this is not in the name of god but the men twist god's words to fit the goals of the people interpreting god's books.  the real reason that so many do not want women to have rights is the power that men had once over us has dissipated but still women only make $.88 of what a man with comparable skills has in the United States. 

The rights of women and the GLBT community has nothing to do with God but others have twisted the books of god to fit the goals of the people who seek money and power!! however in their quest for power and money the end result is lives of people and their families are destroyed.  

the biggest part of this that offends me is that people do not have the courage and character to take a stand when they know it is wrong not to embrace people as human being. yes if you, by design, purposely do not invite your friends who happen to be women or members of the GLBT to a family event or an evening out because we might offend your friends you are the ones that have committed a sin against god.

thank you to all of your unconditional love

rachel