A facebook link that is so me omg

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=645012705513486&set=a.396404140374345.108259.396384613709631&type=1&theater

if you cannot see the link. it says:

I am not a princess.... I don't need saving.  I am a queen.
I got this shit handled.

fromthebusywomenguide.com

also here is another one that is so me:

"The woman  who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd.  The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before.

by albert Einstein

mental challenges, sexuality and god

What is it really like in the privacy of my apartment and what do I really think doing my private moments. I hesitated to really write about this personal information but I can no longer keep so much to myself. I think telling this will help me and so many others in the transgendered community any well beyond. 

Once I am in the safety of my own apartment and there are no worries about verbal or physical assaults what is it really like in my mind?  (Yes even in Portland there have been , although few, verbal threats, physical assault and once a man showed me his knife.  Portland is safer but not safe. No one in the world am I totally safe but I will take Portland any day of the week.)  My hormones seem to surge especially during the hours of 3-6 pm. 

Lets get personal about what it really is like in my mind? Can you imagine getting sexually aroused and wanting to masturbate and reaching between your legs and stop because of your sex organ does not match what your brain says should be there?  This is me on hormones and I stop masturbating because I don’t have a vagina.  The problem is I get more aroused sexually then any other time in my life and 99 percent of time I stop because I don’t have a vagina. I cope via my drug, food, 

I have cried myself to sleep and cried until I could not cry anymore.  I know in my heart that mentally I am ready for the sexual reassignment surgery mentally nor financially but physically I am lacking the most important part of my body , a vagina.  I know so many other transgendered women say, “ it is surgery or suicide?”  This is , in my opinion, the problem itself .  The surgery is not a problem because the core issue is in the brain.  The surgery is part of the process and when do get the surgery is the most critical part of the puzzle.  Rachel’s theory:

There is a window of opportunity while hormones where if you get the surgery  too soon…. Or too late …… you might not only become very disappointment but due to the statistics I would say there is a good chance you would, that includes me, commit suicide.  The key is know in the middle of the biggest crisis of your life how to raise the monies necessary for surgery and when to actually have the surgery performed.  You, I, need to do this with no feedback from anyone in the transgendered community since they don’t talk to anyone and no advice from the doctors.  The doctors really have no sound advice because the entire subculture has decided that they should not talk about the “journey.” 

I have made peace with the fact I am a experiment and when, not if, I have my surgery I will share all I can with the doctors and have the Portland VA complete my follow up care.  Why? In all honesty there are no experts in the field.  The experts here have made the occasional mistakes with surgeries and overstate the actual number of surgery they have performed. What do I mean? When doctors in the united states speak of sexual reassignment surgery they are including breast implants, facial reconstruction and anything to do with sexual reassignment.  This is a problem.

The mental health issues surrounding this disease are understated my patients and the community in my opinion.  Let me go on record and speak from my heart:

It is my opinion that the life of isolation which so many of us experience in the community has come an enormous price, deep depression and anxiety and probably along with some PTSD.  Why? Holding something this big inside and hiding it from everyone you love and come into contact takes amazing concentration and makes you obsessive about protecting your secrets from anyone else.  So I think it is very possible like myself I was in fight or flight mode for decades and this did not come without real life mental health consequences.  The way I coped was overeating, pornography, and in the past alcohol.  I have progressed far enough to eliminate the pornography and alcohol but binge eating at night is a real challenge to me.

It is also my experience that when I am in fight / flight mode my estradiol is totally ineffective. This experience was revealed when I had panic attacks when on estrogen.  I felt no effects of the estrogen treatment during the times when I had panic attacks or felt threatened nor safe in my environment.  When I feel safe in my environment the estradiol is like your high at times and this is when I know the estrogen is working it magic . This is also when I am challenged to grow in the moment and compelled to deal the my demons.  When I meet the challenges I have found that the estrogen has brought profound changes in my life.  I am speaking of the healing of my mental health which has helped me in my professional life an private life. I think the secret of this drug is the more of function member of society you become more the drug works.  There is nothing that can prepare you for the challenges of estrogen treatment.

Now for the dirty secret of the transgendered community. again this is my opinion based on the fact I isolated myself for better part of 30 years.  I could not figure out why my experience was so much different than others in the community then it came to me about one month ago.  If I chose to isolate like I did less than 2 years ago on hormones I can see where suicide would become an option for some. My experience is different because I don’t have transgendered friends.  Some of you might say, “ Rachel what is wrong with you?

I am a lot smarter than I think I am.  You will see what I mean in one second.  I don’t have transgendered, gay or lesbian , black  friends but I have friends.  “my gender is not the totality of who I am.”  So I am friends with people I share common interest with and this gives me many, many different prospectives.   So, I don’t isolate on estrogen but instead I engage more and more in society which has given me vastly different results on estrogen.

Trust me the challenges and pain of this disease are nothing less then …. No words to express how it pulls you and nearly tears your heart in pieces most days.  My strength is in the women I choose to surround myself with.  They women of strength and “hold me up” but never enable me.  These same women never, never give me a pass and constantly say ,” Rachel you are going to make it and you are a lot stronger then you think>

By god’s good grace I have spiritual women who came to my rescue at most critical time of my life or I would be dead. It is my belief had I chosen to isolate I would/could have been one of 30-50 percent that commit suicide but my decision to go public with the VA back in 2011 altered my experience on estrogen. It did not make it easier but instead it made it harder and more challenging but it was the big goal that nearly ensured my survival in this fight that so many in the transgendered community lose via suicide.

Honestly one of things I think of in my darkest hours is … on my head stone upon my natural death… I want it not to read, “ …. To the woman who almost made it… but it will read Rachel made and made it big and helped so many in the process.” 

I also will close with this statement: I have to be very honest and I would rather be killed on the street or burn at cross like Joan of arc than die in isolation a life I had less then two years ago. The isolation is a self imposed prison and self suicide method  because you die little by little every day until there is nothing left of you.

I know there are more of me out that are afraid to talk I hope in time my public blog and speaking will draw them out and little by little the misconceptions of this disease will disappear.. I really did not see myself as leader until I risk so much but what I received in return is the life of my dreams.

I have promised god that if you give me everything I want in becoming a woman I will help all I can.  He has given me everything one can imagine in 2 short years.  I came to Portland with a little money, laptop computer and a college education and risk it all. I have lost most of my family ties, my friends and through god’s good graces I have met so men and women who are giving me a hand up. In this process we help each other heal.

Thank you for allowing me share,

Thank you and god bless,

rachel 

 

women, men and sexual orientation... yes L is for Lesbian

 

I hesitated to write this blog because I really am not sure how much of my private life I should make public. But today I realized that the time has come to tell people what it is really like on this side because no one else seems willing or able due to the misconceptions of our lives, women less the physical anatomy. (warm up to next blog tonight on serious issues with estrogen treatment)

First my particular experience on hormones could be completely different than anyone else because I am on enbrel, injects for rheumatoid arthritis, and estradiol for gender identity disorder.  The combination of these two drugs makes my case vastly different and added to the fact that I am over 40 and pill form of estradiol.  I have been on enbrel since 1997 and on estradiol for nearly 21 months at this time. 

I have talked to many women, men and transgendered men and women in Portland since I moved here in February 2011.  However, I can say without hesitation that I have not met another “Rachel” that is in the transgendered community. The reason I say this is even privately no one in the transgendered community will talk to me of the challenges on hormone replacement therapy.  Many seem to want to focus on the physical changes in their bodies. From my prospective that is the least of my challenges the larger challenges is the mental transformation that is unspoken on line or off line. 

I once the pleasure of talking to a doctor who is one of the foremost experts in the transgendered community and he said, “ they, the transgendered women, will not talk to you nor us.”  I would like to say I was shocked but the fact is that reflected my own life experiences. So when I am going through of these changes I have no one in the transgendered community to use as a sounding board nor compare their experiences to mine. The transgendered community has really , as far as I can see, a “ wall of silence” not only to the entire public but anyone inside it too.

Who do I rely on for help and guidance, women.  Women know better than anyone what is like to go through puberty which is essentially what I am doing at in my 50’s.  The women in my life “ hold me up” and about a half dozen have guided me through what I think is hell.  A woman in her 20’s recently echoed the comment, “ you are going through puberty.” I said, “ you get it.”

Who is a better expert on something than someone that has been on hormones for 10-40 years.  Thus I listen the experts on hormones , women.  The doctors don’t know what hormones does  to the transgendered woman because so they fear telling the truth could cost them their estrogen prescription.  This is the deep seeded fear I believe and in some cases it is well founded. In my case with the Portland VA it never has nor do I believe it ever will be an issue.  I have developed a trusting relationship with my therapist and the doctor who writes my estradiol prescription.  I am one of lucky ones that has a very transparent relationship between their doctor and patient.

How transparent am I? in an early blog I spoke of how my doctor and I were talking about the depth of the vagina.  I was so slightly irritated at the focus of the depth of vagina that I told my doctor, “ I don’t care about the depth of my vagina; I am a lesbian.” My doctor replied , “ok ms. Reid.”   

my sexual orientation seems to perplex men more than women. Since most of my friends are women and most are heterosexual I would say by talking to them my sexual orientation makes no difference in how we communicate. however with men this is a challenging topic. From talking to men they want to talk to me about sports and sometimes I  entertain them most of time.  This is my experience with gay men or heterosexual men.  I have had gay men say to me ." ...let me get this right.... you like women?"  I respond, :" yes."  

Just because I am a woman does not mean I am sexually attracted men and in my case no man is of interest to me.  I tried to kiss a couple men years ago and wow what a turn off.  But when a woman kisses me I have been known to melt in her arms.  The kiss of woman is an emotional connection to me and only a woman can turn this woman on .....lol