the horror of hormones, srs and thailand bound

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In my first blog I promised my blog would be very, very honest however until now I have sugar coated the real effects of hormone replace therapy (HRT).  It will be exactly 16 months on December 4, 2012 since I initialized HRT.  I can honesty state, without exception, that this experience has tested my heart and soul like nothing else in my life.  It has compelled me to confront every demon I have ever had in my life ranging from five years old to fifty years old.  Many within my close network know that I have said many times I hold on by a thread.  I mean this statement with every fiber of my body.

The fact is that every day is harder than the last.  I am at the point that I would never want to go back but going forward challenges, not a word strong enough, my heart and soul to the very limits and nearly breaks me.  I hold on by a thread and sometimes I use self talk therapy to work through the depression and yet other times I reach out to one of three women for help.  I also seem to know my threshold of when I need to reach out to one of them.  I have been blessed by each one of them.  The following day after working through this seemingly impossible situation and issue I feel stronger than the day before.  Yet the next time I get depressed it presses me even harder than the previous situation and still I find a way to cope and move forward.  As the blonde has told me I always find a way to get things done but this has taken every fiber of my body to hold on for my life.  I also know in my heart I have become one of the strongest women I have ever known via HRT.  I did not know a woman lived just underneath the surface of someone that pretended to be a man for nearly 50 years.

Now let me take you deep into just how bad it becomes and how hard I am tested day in and day out on hormones.  Yesterday I was waiting for my bus to work and I had to walk away from the bus stop where others were sitting because I knew I had to cry and talk myself through this issue.  I knew I had to work through this to make it through work.  Does this therapy work for me? You can be the judge I had more sales than any other day since I started over two months ago.  I think I am a lot smarter than I want to acknowledge opening.  The issue that is tearing at my heart and soul that I cannot hide any longer since I started Hormones is I not only need sexual reassignment surgery but it has become essential to my very survival as a human being.  The truth is that there is not a day that goes by now that I don’t cry at least once that I am not quite a woman; almost a woman.  No one could ever completely understand what it does to me unless you were in my shoes.  It like having cancer one can be compassionate but until you walk in my shoes, which you can’t, only then could you feel the deep unrelenting pain I feel every minute of my life today.

Now back to the bus stop.  I said to myself I cannot live like this much longer I have to find a way to surgically have my penis removed.  You would have to understand that every time I cross my legs I can feel something between my legs that is not suppose to be there nor should it even been there.  I honestly think why did God do this to me?  The pain takes a grip of my heart and soul and the pain cuts me so deep the pain is imaginable.   I thought at that moment at the bus stop I cannot cut the damn thing off but I cannot have surgery.  After crying, crying and crying some more and barely holding I made the decision I told others I would not do…. I am going to go to
Thailand to get my surgery. 

Yesterday I tried to visualize what was between my legs and for the first time I honestly thought it was a vagina knowing consciously it is a penis.  What am I to do?  I cry and cry and there seems to be no solution.  I am holding on by a thread about this issue, more than an issue to me,  for the last year which reared its’ ugly head in month two of HRT.  Otherwise it was lying just below the surface waiting and waiting and came to the surface with a force unspoken of after only one month of HRT. 

I don’t know how much longer I can hold on living without having my penis removed.  If I did not take action and set up an account and put a plan in place and set a target date of surgery yesterday I could have been a casualty like so many others in the transgendered community.  What am I speaking of ?  Suicide or cutting the penis off would have been a solution yesterday.  But, neither suicide nor cutting the penis is a long term solution and would represent quitting and it is not in my DNA.  I did not come this far to turn back and quit after fifty years.  I will succeed where others have failed before “ persistence overcomes resistance.  My real ace in my pocket is my natural born sales ability and drive.  Persistence overcomes resistance is what I learned in my sales career.

Thus, I have put up a board titled Rachel goes to Thailand.  I have dollar amounts in the thousand dollars and once I hit 12 thousand I will have what I need and have needed for all of my life.  The way insurance is set up and the regulation that are put in place it would take me years to jump through the loops.  I don’t have years and years but what I do have is the ability and drive to sale more products to reach my goal sexual reassignment.  My goal date, to some may seem impossible, is January 2014. 

Zig ziglar and Henry Ford said, “if you think you can or can’t you are probably right.”  I believe I can and I am preparing and planning and will reach this goal. It represents the very essence of my life.  I will not fail. 

Just may be now I can admit publicly that the Marines had an impact that goes far beyond anything I ever could imagine until now.  To a Marine to quit is criminal and unthinkable and perhaps I am more a marine that I every thought and when others say it cannot be done we find a way to accomplish the mission.  As the great Chester Puller said, " you can hurt me but you cannot stop me."  I have been hurt, beaten down emotionally by society and do not have the anger others have and focused on the goal of becoming the best woman I can be and lead in my pursuit of this goal.

Some have told me I need to have thicker skin because I am so emotional and cry when I get hurt but to do that would change who I am and I changed for society due to my gender.  I will not change who I am at any level for anyone.  I know I get hurt easy and I am very sensitive woman and I will stay that way and men and women will get to know the real me...... the heart of rachel

Thank you again,

Rach

Ps I will spell check this later on the way to work but needed to post this important post 

rachel's father and heart of her mother

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 I thought tonight I would share with you who my mother and father were and how they impacted my life in profound ways that can be felt to this day.  One was from the small town of Hollidaysburg, PA and the other was from Queens, NYC.  So, anyone could see that their view of the world would be vastly different.  That is putting it mildly. 

My father was from Queens, NYC who grew up there in the great depression in a single household with his sister and mother.  My grandmother, Nana, was direct from Ireland. My father was schooled in a catholic school in Brooklyn which was very strict and he was a golden gloves boxer.  One time my father told me a story of how a boy at a dance tried to adjust his tie.  My father’s response was tell  the boy, “ let’s step outside…” (not the way I would have handled it but…)

The character of my father?  A measure of a person’s character can be judged by their actions in a crisis. (zig Ziglar)

 On one hot summer day in our neighborhood a fire broke out in a neighbor’s house.  The fire broke out and all the neighbors watched from their porch steps except one, my father.  My mother told my father , “ don’t go Donald.”  My father ran down to the neighbor’s house and made sure she made it out ok.  The others just watched and did nothing and never left their porch steps.(This is probably one of the biggest reasons I think to do nothing when you can is down right criminal.)

Another time, my father was talking to the land developer and the house builder.  I can remember exactly what the land developer said like it was yesterday, “ Don, I bet you hope a bunch of N***** mover in here.” My dad responded, “ sure do.”

My mother, on the other hand, was from small town Hollidaysburg where I was raised which was could not have been more different than NYC.  The town of Hollidaysburg is a small town where you are known as so and so daughter or son.  It is very safe to walk the streets at night because no one is out, lol.   It is typical small town America where I was raised as a child.  I played in the band like my mother did in school and where kids were just kids.  Crime was something we saw only on tv during the 1970’s.

My mother was also catholic but had her closely guarded opinions that differed with the Catholic Church.  For example, when it came to abortion my mother believed in the woman’s right to choose.  She was a strong conservative woman who believed in her values and stuck by them, never waiving.   This sounds like someone  I know, me.  My mother did not make waives and went along to get along. 

However, Rachel does not go along to get along nor has she ever.  Case and point, at my father’s funeral viewing a former manager of my father’s came to visit and pay his respects.  My father had cursed this man’s name many times over the years and could not stand the man.  So, when he came to pay his respects I was a little too forward for my mother’s comfort when I said to him, “ what are you doing here.”  My mother promptly said, “ Donald.”  I said, “ dad did not even like this guy.”  After that, out of respect for my mother, I bowed out and moved away from the entrance to my father’s viewing.  I don’t exactly blend in nor toe the party line even back then in 1988.  

For years and years I said that I was the best of my mother and the best of my father blended together.  So I have the fire of golden gloves boxer that drives the engine and the heart of my mother.  My mother gave me the best gift anyone could give a child and it was her heart.  I have passed my heart to my daughter.

God blessed with me two parents that gave me so much to build on that my success was nearly certain in my eyes.  It was merely for the asking and accepting the challenge to become the best woman I can be.  I know in my heart that my mother would be proud of me not publicly nor even privately but in her heart. 

What did my mother teach me beyond her death?  She left me a small inheritance which I used to buy the very best make up and clothes that any woman would envy.  Thus, while mourning the death of my mother I covered myself in Clarin and Dior make up.  Only to learn that the make up does not make the woman; the woman makes the make up.

Mother Thank you and love always,

Rachel

requested meeting with divisional manager? what was I thinking?

-->  I believe in large part to my work with the VA I had the courage to speak up for others like I have done within the VA.  But to speak up at work with less than 60 days on the job was that smart? and who and where did this woman come from?  Where did Rachel get such incredible courage and strength?

I am beginning to realize that I have been given gifts and talents others do not have and when the timing is right , in my heart, I need to step forward and lead. Many times I cry not because anything but how happy I am and how far I have come in the last year.  I have been challenged like others but have had opportunities no one could dream of until.  We MARINES never quit; it took nearly 50 years  but I made it.

The results of the meeting with the mangers was the virtual the same was with the VA because I  lead with my heart and put my outlined issues to the side.  I learned much from my speeches at the VA.  I have been blessed so much this past year.  I will blog on Friday about this event.

Thank you

Rachel

rachel's heart

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How can I write about something that I have had all of my life?  In my younger years teachers, boys and girls seemed to trust me without giving it a thought.   When I was in the Marines one day my Gunny said, “If I cannot trust you who can I trust?”  At the time I gave it no further thought.  I also knew that when I was in sales that customers would trust me and take my word at what I was saying.  I wondered why do perfect strangers trust me?  I had no idea why and not even a clue. 

A few times in high school I remember kids told me I wear my heart of my sleeve. (Remember so much with estrogen)  I certainly had no idea what that meant at that time.  Then in college the blonde told me that “you have a heart of gold.”  I brushed that off as her just being kind to me.  There was something intangible about me others saw in me that I could not even begin to understand.  What was it?  I just thought it was me being me.  That is exactly what I said when others told me I had a heart of gold. Again and again I would brush off comments like that for decades.

When I spoke last February in public on the heels of my Mother’s death I had a carefully prepared speech which never got told.  Instead I spoke from my heart and it flowed easily like I had been practicing the speech for months.  However, it literally was all impromptu and never rehearsed.  I just told my story or I thought I was just telling my story of my life and experiences on hormones.

 In October I spoke again in front of about one hundred men and women and again the same thing happened.  I had a planned speech but instead of using my notes I just spoke from my heart.  By then I began to realize that I was not giving speeches but speaking from my heart and soul about my more than my life experiences.  I just could not piece it all together quite yet. 

It would take two events for me to see the light, literally.  People could see something special about me I could not see because I have had it all along.  First, a new friend of mine sent me a very touching email which touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes.  I could not stop crying, “… help people Rachel, we all have been gifts….”  Still I was in denial that there was anything special about me or at least that what I told myself.

Thus, again my daughter would enlighten me in an old Christmas card.  It had been hanging on my apartment wall for months.  When I opened it I realized that I had given my daughter as much as any parent could give a child….. my heart.   The card said, “ I love you from the bottom of my heart…”  I had written those almost exact words in two separate emails to close friends in helping me in my journey on hormones.  My exact words were from the bottom of my heart thank you.  I meant it just as much as my ten year old daughter did to me in that Christmas card.

So you see when I speak it is not a speech but I open up my heart and soul to the men and women in the audience.  I thought I was telling a story about my experiences on hormones but in reality I was offering my gift of opening up my heart.  My power is in my passion and ability to share and open my heart and soul to others.  This in turn helps me heal and helps other heal.  The more I speak the more I heal. I am not a transgendered woman speaking but woman opening up my heart to everyone so I can heal.

What started out on Aug 4, 2011 as a journey to womanhood has turned out to be a healing of my heart and soul of myself and all I come in contact with.  I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for helping me in my journey.