so for the first time since 2012 i started to
wear my pumps in the house , Spanish heels, and something happened i
never realized so long ago . because of my flat feet or whatever the
pumps make me stand up straight , my back esp, and the result is i have
more air flow, like yoga, which means i can feel the cool air going
through my nasal cavity. this in turn pumps up the volume on the
progesterone , estrone? and this could explain the feeling of feeling
high on hormones ....
the problem is i am aware all the time this thing
is between my legs ...... i am in so much pain whereas before i was just
had a high feeling. i know the why now and it is scary to know this is
the pain i felt 40 plus yrs ago.
so yrs ago the combo of
my father teaching me to sit up straight , breathing techniques of a
boxer , the natural food maxed out the estrogen in my body , if not what was
it then? i feel the same as i was in my teens and even in the marines. (
my gunny told me that the chow hall food was bad for me and when i went
to the field on exercises... my eyes were cleared up in days.( had major dry eye caused by unbalanced hormoens(... but
Rachel came out and my mannerisms were but feminine and how i moved my
hips and other marines saw this ... not good ......
but
the pumps validate me as being sexy so there is many things they do but
the air flow is critical ...... when depressed one breaths diff and
through the chest ...... panic attacks and stress do this.... what might
have put this all in play is instead of playing the violin i had to
play a wind instrument , the trombone, this probably was huge in a time
when i needed what god ordered for me
so today , the pumps,
the singing, the make up and dress , people around me and all the other
things i have shared enabled me to go back and pick up the pieces and
learn why. i have not felt this much pain in yrs and joy ..... i am in
deep trouble and i have no idea what to do ... i am terrified of surgery
esp watching a tv show last night when a woman had a tummy tuck and
there is a side affect of all plastic surgery ..... flesh eating
bacteria/virus...... wow that hit home too...... the end result because
of the lack of access to follow up care was two huge holes in her
stomach... so much can go wrong .... i do not want the surgery but i
need it medically...... the risk is so high but i have no choice to but
to walk through the door......
to say that i cannot be the girl on special victims unit .... trans
girl cut her wrist ....... that could be me ..... make no doubt it is suicide .... it has to be on the table so i can min the
chances of it .. but the longer i am on hormones wo surgery the close i
am to suicide ..... the pain is so deep and like i told ..... i am one
of the few that will tell you i am going through thoughts of
suicide.....
the lies bury too many and i think that is why i am so outspoken too... nearly did me in too many times
i have fought this same battle as a teen but now i have to figure out how to get the surgery.... the pain is real and deep in my own apt now.... god help me
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